Needing support...

[GStorm]

An update on my son R. J., who stayed with me a few days after an inpt stay& when I found out he was using money I gave him for porn vs. getting a job. He has moved out of state and is staying with his dad and his new wife. She is not happy about the arrangement and neither is R. J. " All I have is a couch & she complains about that." I told him that was her place and she has a right to those feelings. He continues to not actively seek a job. One interview in the works. I had to make the car payment; however, I will not give him one red cent. The car is for sale and if he gets the job by Jan., he can pick up the payments. His Dad agrees to make a payment for Dec.What do y'all think? The car is a 2008 Altima Nissan. I have had it appraised for the most $2000. I owe $6000 (minus $300 payment that I made). I have broke down and called him. The only time he called me (other than on my birthday, was to ask if he tbought he could get the car if he got the job.) You know what? I am answering my own question. When I talk to him by phone, I am this empathetic and sympathetic MOMMY. "Oh, Son, what would you like for Christmas? Has it gotten cold where you are in KY? Please stay in touch wirh me. That is good you have an interview," & as soon as I get off the phone, I am so f****g mad & want to scream, "JUST GET A F****G JOB! What is wrong with me.?? Am I such a people approving seeking person? Wow! Any feedback &/or support would be appreciated. Thank you!

 

[Littleboylost]

Gail
There is nothing more difficult than letting go and Getting out of our AC way.

I was once told by a therapist to evaluate the behaviour and actions of my AS as though he were a guest and ask myself what I would tolerate and how I would respond. This perspective helps be to stay strong.

Detaching is a process it is not a light switch off and on. We will all have good and strong days and weak and bad days.

We do what our hearts can endure.

You are not alone, this is not easy stuff.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

An update on my son R. J., who stayed with me a few days after an inpt stay& when I found out he was using money I gave him for porn vs. getting a job. He has moved out of state and is staying with his dad and his new wife. She is not happy about the arrangement and neither is R. J. " All I have is a couch & she complains about that." I told him that was her place and she has a right to those feelings. He continues to not actively seek a job. One interview in the works. I had to make the car payment; however, I will not give him one red cent. The car is for sale and if he gets the job by Jan., he can pick up the payments. His Dad agrees to make a payment for Dec.What do y'all think? The car is a 2008 Altima Nissan. I have had it appraised for the most $2000. I owe $6000 (minus $300 payment that I made). I have broke down and called him. The only time he called me (other than on my birthday, was to ask if he tbought he could get the car if he got the job.) You know what? I am answering my own question. When I talk to him by phone, I am this empathetic and sympathetic MOMMY. "Oh, Son, what would you like for Christmas? Has it gotten cold where you are in KY? Please stay in touch wirh me. That is good you have an interview," & as soon as I get off the phone, I am so f****g mad & want to scream, "JUST GET A F****G JOB! What is wrong with me.?? Am I such a people approving seeking person? Wow! Any feedback &/or support would be appreciated. Thank you!

I just started reading Codependent NO More by Melody Beattie and all kinds of light bulbs are turning on for me. It really is eye opening, I recommend it.

 

[Littleboylost]

EM has a great suggestion, I have read the book twice and find it extremely helpful.

 

[so ready to live]

Gail. i am so sorry. I saw myself in your sweetness on the phone and then the craziness after...

We do what our hearts can endure.

True words. What I can endure sometimes changes with the day, week, season. You have made steps forward putting car for sale, he can't pay for it and you shouldn't if he won't work, that's a just consequence. I also gained strength from the detachment books/articles. It is a long haul, we're here. Posting on this forum has strengthened my resolve and given me comfort of knowing others have survived.
You will too. Hold tight.

 

[RN0441]

Arghhh how annoying!

How old is your son?

We always hope a change of scenery will "fix" them. Maybe it's good that step momma is on him a bit! Let him see that no one is going to be okay with him doing nothing.

I think it's a good plan to pay car payment one more time to see if he gets a job. There has to be some incentive.

Did you say car is only worth $2K and you owe $6K?

Yikes.

 

[BusynMember]

I am not a fan of buying our not working difficult adult children cars. At all. They can walk, ride bikes, or if there is public trans take that. You can try paying once more if you want him to have the car, but don't expect him to pay 6k for it. It is highly unlikely he will keep paying and I am guessing you are the one also paying for insurance and gas. I stand apart here...i don't think they deserve cars unless they have a strong work ethic, pay for it, the insurance and gas. I work with two young men who don't drive but work hard and always get to work and back. Most of our difficult adult kids use substances and it blows my mind that sometimes even after intoxicated driving tickets parents pay for the tickets and fix the cars. I dont get it and never will.

To me driving is a privledge. Our kids get into so much trouble driving when they are not thriving and mostly partying.

My perspective is sell the car. Yes, he will whine that now he can't work. What he really means is he won't walk, ride his bike to work and doesn't really want to work anyway. Not having a car interferes with partying. Thats their issue.

At the very least you can take the car and only let him drive after he gets a job and pays. You can make his payment a condition of his driving each month.

My kids mostly drove my old car, paying their part of the insurance and gas was on them. We bought my youngest an old but sturdy car for 3K but she was/is a hard worker and my husband, her Dad (my second husband) is a car mechanic which helps. My older kids were teens when I was divorced and money was tighter. They had to deal with it. They did!

Although I have had ongoing issues with one of my kids almost since his birth, he always had a good job and he knew he had to do so or have little. He likes "things". All my kids are imperfect. Who isn't? But they all have stellar work ethics, including one awesome adult child with autism. He also doesnt drive but he gets to work and back by walking or bike. Or taxi.

Our little city has no public transportation.

Good luck!! I dont mean to cditicize. The car stuff really puzzles me.

 

[HMBgal]

Oh I get this. My daughter, 41 years old, mother of the two grandchildren I'm raising, hasn't been able to hold a job for more than a few days for the last two years. Her father (my ex of many years) bought her a nice new car when he sold his home and relocated. A year later, the registration has expired, she has no insurance on it for non-payment of premiums, is three months behind on her rent and facing eviction. How do I let her fail when her children love her so much? She has ADD and depression, so I get her struggle. She's burning through her friends who keep trying to help her, but she is hard to be friends with. So, when she's thrown out of her apartment, what do I do? How do I explain to her children that she's couch surfing but can't live with us? Man, adult kids who aren't adulting is so darn hard. I have the Co-dependant no more as well. But the grandkids are the fly in the ointment for my ability to let her be on the streets. She lives only 20 minutes away.

So Gail, I get it. We are moms first, last, and always. And squashing that and letting go is against every instinct we have. And we have to figure out when our mothering is holding our children back or giving them the the kick in the butt they need. I sure don't have it figured out. You're not alone.

 

[Nomad]

Over the years I have often said to my hubby that I think it's good to do "extra" for our Difficult Child because she is very slow to figure things out. So "extra" in your case might be a few extra car payments while he looks for a job. I'm NOT a big fan of going beyond "extra" especially if there are NO extenuating circumstances causing a problem and/or my Difficult Child is not putting forth effort. Then doing extra on top of extra makes NO sense at all and could be actually contributing to a problem...giving the wrong message, demotivating and enabling.