Nervous and emotional

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Sep 14, 2018.

  1. Sorry for another post. I need to draw strength from somewhere. My AC will be leaving his treatment program next week. So far refusing to do sober living. He originally talked about going back to an IOP he was once in but then left.

    I know I have to just let be. I want to vomit when he calls me. I can't stand hearing his voice. I dread next weekend when he leaves the program.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2018
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would just not send money to him....nothing ev er....or no matter what he says it is for he will buy alcohol and/or other drugs. If you want to buy him something call the store yourselfyour pay by your own credit card, whose number he shouldnt have.

    Also get into therapy unless you have a great friend who understands or Al Anon. Dont try to do this alone. It is too hard.

    I assume your son chose to move far away. He is a man. It was his decision to do this. He will deal with being without family on the holidays. He may have a group of friends to be with or it may not bother him. Just because it bothers US doesnt mean they think like we do. Holidays trigger all addicts,no matter where they live or if family is there or not, because addicts drink and drug on holidays no matter where they are.

    You must take care of yourself. It will do nobody any good if you get sick due to stress. That may mean only talking to your son for ten minutes on Sunday or not talking or texting him until you are healthier and stronger. Can be a while sometimes. Listening to the abuse and self made despair hurts us and doesnt help them one bit. Also, stay off his social media! These young adults often brag about their substance abuse on social media, posting pictures of themselves wasted. You need this?

    You can love him. Love costs no money. It makes no demands. It just is.

    You also can learn to love yourself.

    Do not spend your retirement on him. He will not be there to help you if you need him. Maybe focus on your marriage, go on a second honeymoon. Hang with kind, clean loved ones and friends and count your blessings.

    You matter.

    Love and light!
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
  3. He has decided not to do sober living. We mentioned the holidays and being alone and there was a pause. Praying he will reconsider once he sees how lonely it is after being with other guys for the past 28 days.
    He has this idea in his head that with sober living you are like in a prison and it was explained it isn't like that. I guess it is Gods will what is happening. I just wish I could stop worrying and crying over this.
    I wish I knew how to just live my life and not worry about him. I had gone to alanon and I have a counselor but I just don't seem to get past it.
     
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Trying,,,,,no need to apologize for posting. That is what we are here for. So this is a process. You are never going to completely stop worrying, that is an unrealisitic goal. Really it is a matter of balance. I still worry about my son. Some times I worry more than other times. When things are bad with him I worry a lot more than when things are looking better. The difference for me now than in the past is that I am not totally obsessed with worry and I have built a life that I enjoy in spite of my worry and in spite of my sadness for him. So my life is not consumed with him or all about him. That is the difference. I have my own life, my own interests, I do things that make me happy.

    So the key is to build your life, find things that make you happy. Do those things even when you are obsessing and worried about him. Dont wait until you stop worrying about him because that will never happen. Find things you enjoy, make you life about you, not about him.

    And keep getting support, go to alanon, go to your counselor all that is good.

    TL
     
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with TL. Everything you describe I feel too and I would guess most all the parents here do now and then. The thing is to not be defined by it, and to have antidotes. Antidotes can be all kinds of things: a rich and full life, lots of interests, rewarding hobbies, friendships, satisfying work, prayer, exercise, goals, etc. You get the drift.

    We all of us, have moments like you describe. Where are fear and agony and dread, and anger and annoyance get the best of us. Usually this is triggered by contact with our child. Either they try to seduce us into taking in and on their problems, or feel their emotions, or remind us of how bad we feel about their being in a bad state. So. They become our trigger.
    All of this is quite normal in my experience. I cannot stand for my son to call because he triggers me too. Because you see, we have become addicted to them. And many of us have inadequate defenses. What is it Kryptonite? Is that the substance, that robs your power, or is it something else? But this is not true. We can beef ourselves up. Or we can insulate ourselves, before we are strong. The boundaries you refer to are highly individual. There are no "right" boundaries in my experience. Just the ones you need to keep yourself safe.
    Life is a trigger. You have triggers. I have triggers. He has triggers. This will be his life story. Does he succumb each time, and wallow in the demon rum, or does he acquire support, community, practices, meaning, that help him to recovery. You or I have no vote in this and no control over it. I am in the same boat as you. It is horrible.

    But it is our decision to make whether we begin to row out of the tempest to a beautiful, pacific lank, or whether we stay in the squall with them. I vote to row out of it. But it took me a whole lot of time and posting to decide that. And it got very ugly for me.
    This is his business to handle. Not yours. But I relate very much to how you feel.
    Again. His decision. You know that.

    Maybe you want to ask what kind of boundaries you need? But first, I think you need to think about what you want. Identify what you are seeking from this situation. Everybody looks for something different. Why not brainstorm in a post what you would want. And go from there. When you write it down, you can read it, and your thinking/feeling process becomes clearer, and you can refine it. If you can identify what you want, the boundaries can come from that. We will be glad to make suggestions, when we know what the goal is you want.

    Take care. Please don't be hard on yourself. This is hard.
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It is so hard to find comfort when you feel like this. I get it and we all get it.

    I think a good thing to do is remind yourself WHY he isn't close to his family. It's nothing YOU did. It's HIS behaviors.

    I have to do that for my own son. He has been out of state for a few years now due to HIS behaviors. He is sad and misses his family. Oh well. I didn't do that!! Really really not MY fault! I tried I tried!

    I'd like nothing more than that the last seven years of his life had not been this way. I would have liked nothing more than for him to make GOOD choices instead of all the BAD ones.

    That just helps me when I think of it that way I guess. It's that simple for me. Sometimes we overthink things...at least I do!