never seen grandchildren

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by respect4dad, Apr 5, 2017.

  1. respect4dad

    respect4dad New Member

    Hey everybody, thought I'd post because I've NEVER heard of anybody in my situation. My oldest child is 34 and has 2 girls, I think 4 and 2 (not sure) He hasn't called me in 6 or 7 years now, supposedly something I said and has two daughters. I have NO phone number, NO address, nothing. I am 63, OLD SCHOOL and would rather be DEAD than DISRESPECT my father & mother and not call them. To the lady that's wondering if she should stop calling son, I say YES! He is a disgrace and so is my son. There's a lot to my story but I have a number of family members who call me the bad guy for not patching things up? IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE THAT UNDERSTANDS WHERE I"M COMING FROM. This disrespectful SOB has done nothing but be a pain in the rear end since he was 15. His mother cheated on me and eventually left and went to Florida. I won soul custody and raised two boys when they were 11 and 6 myself. Did the best I could and this is what I get from this bastard of a son. My youngest is 29 now, wonderful young man, married to a sweetheart and we get along GREAT! I'll be dammed if I'm gonna sit around crying about this disgrace of a son and kiss his behind. I'm his FATHER and he has seemed to have forgotten that. It's all about RESPECT and that's one of the many things we are losing today.
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I understand your pain and anger.

    But, it looks like if you want a relationship, you might need to be the one to step up first. Maybe just a small guesture at first. Not groveling...just an "I am sorry that we are estranged, and I hope things can be different in the future.

    Does younger son have any contact with his brother? With today's computer search capabilities, it should not be too hard to locate him. That's up to you if you want to search.

    Many of the parents here are estranged from their adult children...but hope things could be different.

    I hope you find a solution that works for you.

    Ksm
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It happened to me. I understand it and I dont. We adopted him at 6 and he had spent his first six years in an orphanage and once here he had every oportunity and love plus love. He left us after he got married without looking back. Why? Not sure.

    I grieved for two years and got intensive therapy and now moved on, but I know he is not a bad person. He has issues with us, but I hear reliably that he is good to his wife and two kids I never met. I dont try to see him snd after ten years the family has adjusted without him. So I hope all his days are good.

    The newer generation is not like we were. I am sorry you are hurting and i do know how devestated you are. These days this happens more than you know. There is a forum called "Estranged Parent Stories" and you can find it in your search engine. You will find many parents going through what you are on that forum.

    I am sorry you hurt. May you find peace with your sad situation.
     
  4. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    Are you looking for someone to say that you are right?

    Or are you looking for a way to patch things up and see your grand kids?
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There are adult kids that wont make amends or accept even the most heartfelt apologies. Many in fact. Sometimes the significant otbers are a big part of it. . My story is here in many places.
     
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Think it's worth a try to mend a relationship. But one can only reach out...it's a two way street. You have to know when it would be futile to keep trying. SWPT, I am sure you tried.

    Ksm
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes. Too much. Too often. Pathetically. I even took full blame althoigh i had no clear idea what id done. I was a sad, desperate person begging.

    It takes two to mend a relationship. I gave up after much therapy and my life is good again, thanks to hub and other sweet kids and grands.

    I wish Goneboy no ill. But Im done caring enough to try again. This can happen. Not everyone is willing to mend fences. And there comes a point when you HAVE to move on or die while you are still alive, which I wont do.

    But, yes, i tried. And tried. To no avail. In the end, weirdly, surviving this made me stronger. Hard to explain.
     
  8. respect4dad

    respect4dad New Member

    Really not looking for anything other than I was just curious if there was anybody on the planet who has grandchildren and NEVER MET THEM. That's all! I have never met anybody who's child had kids and didn't tell their parent. Being in another place in my life years ago, I was in the less than 5% tile of fathers with sole custody. This is another situation and I am not in pain, just amazed and disappointed. It to me is like a divorce with him. Gone through all the emotions and on the other end. I have no feelings for him and I have moved on. That's what you have to do anybody out there. You see shows like intervention and the parents enabling the kids and making themselves SICK because of it. This generation is self centered and disrespectful and it's sad. Take care
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2017
  9. respect4dad

    respect4dad New Member

     
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I understand your feelings. I am not in your situation but could have been. At one point I thought I was headed there. I have one son we had to have live with my parents because he was determined to harm his sister and I would not allow it = she NEVER was mean to him or did anything other than breathe to upset him. The usual sibling stuff happened, but she could be asleep in her own room and he would go off and suddenly decide he had to hurt her. He had to live elsewhere and it broke my heart and my husband's too. My son saw it as us choosing her over him. He wanted nothing to do with me.

    He would do things with my husband but not with me. If he had a crisis it was all Mom, but only because Mom was the drill sargeant who won't leave him alone then. I had to almost totally let him go for years. He doesn't have kids, and we finally have a relationship, but it took a lot of years.

    I totally understand the feeling of being disrespected, and of not wanting to reach out, of just letting it go. It is sad, especially for the children. They are being robbed of a very special relationship, but that is their father's choice. I am glad you have a good relationship with your son, and I hope that one day you have grandchildren with him.

    In the meantime, why not go and read at the local elementary school or library if you have time? They always need volunteers and you sound like you like kids. It doesn't take a lot of time, and it is fun. I have a friend who had a son who cut her off from his kids because she wouldn't pay his bills. Part of how she dealt with not seeing her grandkids was to go and read at the local school once a week. She loves it. She spends some of the money seh used to send her no good son on books for the classroom. You don't have to do that = the library has lots of books, she just likes to. Or you could help coach a team at the Y if you have the time and like sports. They always need help too.
     
  11. respect4dad

    respect4dad New Member

    Thanks Susie for your kind words. Nice to hear someone who understands!. It is sad, but like you said, that was my son's choice not to introduce his children to me or care that they have a grandpop. Sounds like you had a similar situation. I think the answer here is JEALOUSY! Jealousy is a STRONG emotion to some people and people have even been killed because of it. I think he is jealous of me alone and the relationship my youngest son and I have. Glad to hear you worked it out and I just look forward to my youngest having kids someday and hope I'm around. At least I know I will be brought into everything from the beginning like it should be. Take care
     
  12. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    My birth father has never met his grandchildren and I do not see that changing any time in the foreseeable future. I could go on and on with this topic for years - so I'll save you all of it but the cliffnotes version is as follows:

    My father is an alcoholic and drug addict. He is a mean drunk at times (I have witnessed him beating my mother and sister when I was 11, I outran them all and was spared), he is a pathetic drunk other times (used to keep us up all hours of the night to listen to how the world "wronged him"). Thanks to him, I've been driving since I was 12 ( I figured sober 12 was better than drunk him). We had to sleep at a Denny's and try to go to school because he didn't have a place for us. He would usually no call/no show for his weekends, stopped seeing us when he met his new wife, and puts forth NO EFFORT. EVER. I tried for years to have a relationship but it was always VERY one sided and only at his convenience. If he found something "better" to do, he'd take off without notice and blow off plans. This went on until I was 24 and I just stopped calling/trying. In 13 years he has not called, stopped by, emailed, Facebooked or put forth an OUNCE of effort to see me.

    He has all my contact info. His whole family does! He knows he has two grandkids sitting at my house. And he does not call. Or text. Or try. It was one thing when it was just me going through that, but I refuse to put my kids through it. He is selfish and has moved on with his "new family". I'm at peace with it. I have a step dad now that's 100 times better and totally stable. He's the kind of man I want my kids to look up to. My sister brings her kids around, but he does the same thing to them. Bails without notice, makes promises he doesn't keep, disappears for months at a time until she manages to track him down again. I've seen her kids upset and confused about how he treats them.

    So I am adult child. I do not speak to my birth father. He knows he has grandkids, he has never met them, and likely never will. I have no intentions of reaching out and setting their hearts up for the hurt we went through or that my sister's kids go through now. I can say I am disappointed this is how it turned out, but I do not feel bad or guilty or anything for how it is. I tried, he didn't, I sleep well at night knowing my children only feel secure and loved.

    I can't speak to your situation, but your child might be feeling something you don't realize? I know my birth dad has never even asked why I don't talk to him. I can't say it'd change anything, but if he could be "bothered" to ask what's up I might entertain the idea of talking.
     
  13. respect4dad

    respect4dad New Member

    Thanks and WOW ... what a terrible situation but you are doing the RIGHT THING. Move on, be happy and don't look back. It's sad but him and his alcohol are the problem. Answering your kind advise, it's hard to reach out to someone that has NEVER given me a working phone number, address, email address, nothing. There's to much to talk about and not enough computer space but I did reach out through his brother and wanted to meet with him, WITH MY YOUNGER SON THERE AS A WITNESS and wanted to ask him if he's interested in moving on from here, that's if he wants to, and that I just had a few questions about what took place at my younger sons wedding this past Sept 2016. Certain self righteous family members tried to do an INTERVENTION and I think he was a part of it. (NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE) To me he is a user and a phony and as far as I know, since we haven't talked in 7 or 8 years, he still is. I wanted to ask if his handshake and arm around me at the photo session at the wedding was his way of reaching out? If so, I would accept that and ask if we could go on from here. When my younger son told him that Dad wanted to meet up and not talk about the past and that I had a few questions about my younger son's wedding day. His answer was, WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE QUESTIONS. That was Oct.2016 and that was the end of it. Since then, my younger says his communication with him has dropped off and he doesn't call him back now. He will answer a text but they really haven't talked now since Sept of last year? Like I said, red flags went up and I think it was just a phony hand shake and a photo opt to make him look good. Don't know but I have NO trust or respect for him as of now, just wanted to clear a few things up and thought maybe we could go on, start fresh with respect for each other and try and build maybe a friendship for starters. But friendship means, TRUST, HONESTY and RESPECT for each other. Problem is, I've haven't seen any of those qualities in over 15 years. take care