New Also

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Lucky7, Dec 1, 2008.

  1. Lucky7

    Lucky7 Momof4

    Hello all,

    I am also new here and just stumbled upon this site out of shear desperation for advice, insight, or maybe to feel as if I am not alone.

    I am married to a wonderful man and together we have 7 children, the typical his, mine and ours! As if that isn't enough, most of these kids have some issue or another, though none affect me as badly as my oldest daughter.

    She is about to turn 12 and over the last several years she has been making life very difficult for us. She has a long list of truancy issues (though blessedly we have not been to court yet) and extreme trouble getting along with others.

    She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD/ODD and possible conduct disorder, though the general symptoms don't fit her. She has very high situational anxiety and a problem forming solid, lasting relationships. The older she gets the nastier she has become. We are in a disastrous and painful for all daily fight to get her to do ANYTHING including attending school. I have not figured out her problem with school now other than it's her way to frustrate me and hurt me. She doesn't care that I can potentially spend time in jail for her refusal to go to school or arrive on time. Her response is "it would only be for a couple of days".

    She is also a very beautiful and smart child, that makes it all the more difficult to parent her. To date I have tried and failed to find any type of discipline that will affect her or diminish her negative behavior.

    I am at my wits end and don't know which way is up or down or where to go from here, while I love my daughter intensely, I am not finding myself liking her much lately and that hurts me deeply, it wounds my heart.

    Any advice or suggestions would be helpful, the support is appreciated.
  2. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Just wanted to say HI and welcome you to the board. sorry to hear you're having so much trouble from your difficult child. I'm sure someone will be along with- some wonderful advice.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.
    I have a few questions for you so that we can help you better. You may want to do a signature like I did below. by the way, SEVEN KIDS!!! (Wow!) Ok, here goes.

    1/Has she ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist. This is a 6-10 hour testing evaluation that covers every possible disorder. JMO, but I'd be leery of anyone talking about CD at age twelve. in my opinion that is probably way off base and you should get another opinion and NeuroPsychs are great. A lot of us really like them. They do actual testing rather than just listening to us rattle off behaviors and talking to the kids.

    2/Are there any psychiatric disorders on either side of your daughter's family tree, including her biological father. Any subtance abuse? Substance abuse is a red flag for certain psychiatric disorders that are often self-medicated.

    3/How was her early development? Did she speak on time? Make good eye contact with strangers? Cuddle? Do well in fine and gross motor skills? Does she and did she (in the past) know how to relate normally to her same age, non-related peers? Can she hold a give-and-take conversation and stay on track? Does she understand social cues? Does she "get" life? How does she do in school? What sets her off? Is she sensitive to noise, textures, materials, lights? Does she have any obsessive interests to the exclusion of most others? Does she appear to lack empathy or a connection to others?

    If you answer these questions we will have more info and will be able to help you more. Since most of the kids have disorders, I'm assuming something runs in the family. Even the chaos of a big family shouldn't "throw" a kid that much. Most kids are resilient. This, however, would not be the case if she ever suffered sexual abuse...that would be another question.

    Glad you joined us, but sorry you had to be here. Be sure to pick up "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene while you are hopefully waiting for a neuropsychologist evaluation. It will help until you have a good handle on what is really going on.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member


    Welcome....... I"m glad you found us i'm sorry you do need us. :)

    It sounds like you have your hands full with her, 7 kids is alot of children to handle especially when you are dealing with a difficult child.

    What type of testing have you had done?? Is she currently in therapy at all? Is there any type of possibly drug use? Just asking, I had to go there with-my daughter as well when her behavior was off. What types of things do you use at home as far as punishment is concerned? How is your relationship with her besides all of this?
  5. Lucky7

    Lucky7 Momof4

    I posted a response to midwest, but don't see it, am I missing something?
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    you hit "post reply" button, or the others on the right??
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, lucky7!
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Just a quick note - I can see where MWM is thinking, I'm on the same wavelength. As usual!

    lucky7, you said, "I have not figured out her problem with school now other than it's her way to frustrate me and hurt me."

    I doubt she is doing that. It would require too much deliberate nastiness an calculation.

    I really loathe the term "ODD" because it implies that the child is being deliberately obstructive for her own malicious purposes. While I recognise that this CAN happen, often a kid gets the ODD label because they have a desperate need to put some control back into their lives and have got into the very bad habit of automatically opposing anyone else who tries to assert some external control.

    Regardless of what specifically is her diagnosis, there are ways YOU can work to try to change her behaviours. What is more, these methods should make your workload easier, not harder. It's not a cure, it's just something to help. How much it helps - it depends on many different things, but especially on how consistent you can be (and can insist on others being) in trying to give her back SOME control, while still holding the reins yourselves.

    Get a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. There are also oter good books that people on this site will recommend - we generally onlyrecommend what we have already tried and found helpful. You take what you think will work and use it. YOU know your own child, you have a good idea of how best to adapt things to your situation and your needs.

    To get a peek at what Explosive Child is about, look at the discussion on it on Early Childhood forum.

    If your daughter is very anxious, this is going to make her seem at times to be very rude, impolite, disrespectful and argumentative. You may need to step back and change your standards for a while, maybe find a different way of trying to teach her more appropriate behaviours. But don't try to punish what is produced by anxiety; you wouldn't punish someone having a fit of hysterics after a near-miss car accident, would you? Instead, you would try to calm them down to the point where you could get some sense out of them, maybe try to talk to them as they calm down rather than when they're still upset.

    Think about what works for you, as well as what doesn't work for you. And regardless of who recommended it or how well it works for other people - if it's not working with her, don't waste your efforts trying to use it. There are other options that should work better. You should never try to use a discipline technique that is losing effectiveness, it makes you lose face as a parent. Instead, find ways that DO work, that you have confidence in, and switch.

    I'm glad you're here, help is at hand. Many of us have come through what you are experiencing now and together we all help one another.