I am new here, very new. Thought that this was as good a time as any to introduce myself, and tell a bit of my journey. My difficult child son is 20. When he was younger he was (and, somewhat unfortunately, still is...) brilliant. Brilliant, kind, funny, personable... He had plans for his life, and had proven that he could make them happen. He was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, an anxiety disorder and bi-polar. I wept for him at the time, as I was mostly concerned with the hypothyroidism and the reality that he would need to take medication daily for the rest of his life... I was less concerned with the anx and BiPolar (BP), as he was well researched and we had created a great safety net for him if it was needed. He then was involved in a mva that injured him, and completely restricted his ability to do the things that he previously did. Things like ride a bike, sit for any length of time, stand for any length of time, etc... The pain increased his anxiety, which led to sleep deprivation, and then drug use and experimentation as a coping mechanism. Because of his brilliance, he was always able to explain his actions and behaviours. He was unable to finish college and went into trades. He graduated, but after finding a job in his field he was unable to continue due to his pain. During this time he was completely non compliant in taking his medications and doing his physio. He went back to college, but was unable to complete it again, even though he was completing only 1 single class... He spends wildly, and then doesn't have the $$ for food, rent, transport, etc... Recently (within the last month) he decided to ingest a high number of his prescription medications and alcohol. He had researched this and had found out that there has been no recorded deaths (or bodily harm) from this particular drug/alcohol mix. It would only result in a short coma-like state and a deep sleep... During this time, he called the crisis line and his counselor and told them both that he wanted to sleep forever, and maybe he would be the first not to wake up... I was called in and convinced him to go to the hospital, where he was admitted into psychiatric. He was not pleasant during his stay there, but eventually began to "play the game" (his words), and was out within 4 days of entering. He has described to me how he has been feeling uncontrollable urges to kill himself... like those you might feel when you have a mosquito bite that you HAVE to itch. You might not WANT to, but you HAVE to. There is nothing that I can do for him... he refuses to attend group therapy, BUT as a plus: HAS continued to see both his psychiatrist, his psychologist and his family doctor. But this also leads to a problem in that he is non compliant, and he is being prescribed controlled drugs which he is abusing. This morning his ex roomate/best friend called me, as my son had again taken a number of medications with alcohol. His friend was worried as difficult child's behaviour was erratic and he was taking about suicide. His friend asked if I would come over to talk to difficult child. I did. He was unresponsive when I arrived, but I was able to wake him up and find out what drugs he had taken. It turns out the he had taken the same ons that he had taken before. I stayed with him while he slept it off, and when he woke up he was angry that I was there and "ruined his night". I walked away... Now difficult child is pissed, and has told his friend that he has lost respect for both him and I, and that when he decides to kill himself, he will not be thinking about our tears when he does it. I am lost. This is my son. I want to help him. I also know that any help that I can offer is not going to be of any use unless he seeks it out. I have no idea how to function any way than that of a mom who is supportive of his choices. But I'm not anymore. I'm just looking for some real advice. If you have made it this far through this rant, thank you!