Hi everyone, wishing I had stumbled upon this place months and months ago but glad I found it today. I've been reading threads from other parents of adult children and don't feel so utterly alone. I apologize if this post is a discombobulated mess. I'm a mom to 3. I'm remarried and my older two children are 21 and 18 from a previous marriage, and a 2 year old with my current husband. The older kids' father has had nothing to do with them since 2012 after he remarried, cleaned out their college funds to buy himself a motorcycle and a bug screen TV, and told them he had a new family now. The middle child (18) has had issues for the past 5 years that have put this family through crisis after crisis, and I'm now reaching the point where I'm just emotionally numb. There have been so many suicide threats I've lost count, and numerous involuntary hospitalizations due to this child openly expressing suicidal thoughts to friends and school staff. They may be valid ideations but they've been so numerous that it feels like manipulation. We constantly walk on eggshells not due to any violent tendencies, but because things go wonderfully after each crisis and eventually it all comes crashing down again. So much of their behavior seems to be attention seeking, and when my husband and I don't react the way they want then it tends to cycle again. I apologize for the plurals but it's hard to explain without being confusing. The 18 year old was born female. When the behaviors started a few months before 14 (late 2011) and told me she was bisexual. I told her I loved her and accepted her no matter what and she responded by cutting her wrists. Not deeply enough to harm herself but enough to warrant a trip to the first of many, MANY therapists. Then after that crisis, my husband and I decided the entire family needed a fresh start in a new town several states away. She and her dad hatched a plan to move her into his home and threatened legal action if I fought the move. It broke my heart but I told her that if this is what she truly wanted I wasn't going to fight it, and in February 2012 my oldest child, myself, and my husband relocated. Not 3 weeks after our relocation she was on the phone crying, telling me she hated it at her dad's house and begged me to send her a plane ticket. I was dead broke after pouring all of my savings into this move and told her I wouldn't be able to for several months. This was met by weeks of emotionally draining calls and veiled suicide threats before I managed to scrape enough cash together to buy her a ticket in May. What followed after her arrival has been a roller coaster of drama followed by a rebound of really good times and supposed progress so I'll abbreviate it: -Autumn 2012, she reported a Seroquel overdose to her high school nurse. Spent 9 days in inpatient mental health facility. -My pregnancy in 2013 was met with regression and jealousy. Suicidal threats began again and despite receiving outpatient therapy and going to support groups, this year was volatile. -2014 Was actually a really good year. She was doing well in school, was active in extracurricular activities, and was working part time. I regained some hope that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Then there was a backslide at the end of the year. 2015-Finished junior year barely scraping by, started to slack at work, and did horribly at the start of senior year, not even bothering to show up for some classes. I give the ultimatum since she is in danger of not graduating: get your butt in school and straighten out the grades, or get your GED, get a full time job to support yourself, and move out. Then in a drama-filled family sit down she tells me she's transgendered and identifies as a male. I again say I love HIM no matter what. Hr gets his GED, enrolls in college, and agrees to therapy (agsin-see a pattern?) -2016 Fails out of the first semester of college and has 3 ER visits with 2 hospitalizations for suicidal ideation. Throughout all of this we go through hell as a family struggling with the gender transition not because we don't accept it, but because he continues to dress female (clothes, makeup, jewelry) and act female. Even talking about it out of curiosity emits a hostile, defensive reaction. He moves back home, refuses therapy of any kind, but lands a great job and things start to look up again. Then last night he says he's going out for an hour to talk to friends because he's "not in a good place" mentally. About 15 minutes after he leaves I send a text saying "Love you" and get no response (not uncommon). 45 minutes after he leaves (9:30 pm) I get a knock on the door from the friend's mom telling me that my child has been transported via law enforcement back to the inpatient mental health facility. I calmly thank her for the information, go back inside, and go to bed. I couldn't even will myself to cry. These past 5 years have been my own personal hell and I'm surprised my husband hasn't left me. I'm just numb and all I can think this time is, now what? I woke up this morning to a tear-filled voicemail and all I could do was listen and just hang up. I don't even want to visit him. I'm just so OVER IT and feel like a horrible parent for admitting it. Thanks for letting me unload.