New here and I'm glad this website exists so I don't feel alone

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by amys3yungins, Nov 1, 2013.

  1. amys3yungins

    amys3yungins New Member

    My son will be 22 on Nov. 9th. He is addicted to Opana. He has been a difficult child from a young age. I had him counseling at the age of 9 and then again around 15. At the older age, he would just tell the counselor what he wanted to hear. Over the years he would threaten to kill himself, never wanted to take responsibility for his decisions, burned himself once with a cigarette, cut his arm very superficially, all these types of acting out for attention and to get his way. He started smoking pot around age 15 and hanging with the wrong crowd. He has never been officially diagnosed with anything but he has lousy self esteem and just lets the cards fall where they may. He did graduate high school in 2010 and at that time I told him he better get a job or be kicked out as he was just fine laying around with no responsibility. I told him he had 30 days. He got the job on day 29! LOL! Anyway, he was comfortable spending every dime, not having any money for gas, never saving up etc... I finally did charge him a little rent and he would pay it. He signed up for college very reluctantly last spring (finally at age 21). He started with 4 classed but only completed 2. I would see him come home with his eyes all red and acting / talking really "laid back" like a stoner. I began to find small straws in his pockets while doing laundry from time to time. He ended up on probation for a drug paraphenalia (did I spell that right?) charge. He was failing drug test with his PO and not paying his money to her. He informed me that he would not have "my little rent money" and so I took the key back and he moved in with friends. That just fell apart a couple of weeks ago and now he is homeless because i will not allow him to live with us. 3 days ago, he came by and asked me if he could wash his clothes. I agreed and fed him a taco too. He stole my husband's watch on the way out. Long story short, I retrieved the watch from a pawn store. I told my son he is no longer welcome at my house. This is very painful. I have done a slow detachment over the last several months but now it is going to have to be complete. I told him that I have nothing for him and there is nothing I can do for him. He is going to have to figure it out. My prayer is that The Lord will shape him into the man that he created him to be. I look forward to the day that he hits bottom and will seek recovery. Thanks to an older sister who has been through all this **** too with her son who is a recovering heroin addict, she has taught me how to let go and not spend my energy going in circles with all the drama. I'm determined to live my life in a happy way and to not enable him. I watched my mother enable my brother for years and he is currently in prison for armed robbery. He will be 50 next year. It is very helpful to have this forum for support though. Thanks.
  2. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    Hi Amy,

    I am new here too. My situation is very similar to yours. My difficult child is 18 and I have also had problems since he was young. I have tried everything. I am in the detachment process and it is so very difficult. My son is homeless also. My heart is broken but like you I am so glad to have found this website. I helps to know we are not alone and that others have felt the same pain, fear, anxiety, dread and the millions of other emotions we are experiencing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Welcome, Amy.

    I'm glad you found us.

  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Amy. I'm sorry you have had to go through all of this with your son. It sounds as if you have made excellent choices. I know how difficult this is for us parents. My heart goes out to you.

    There's an article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, it might be of some solace and help to you. I always strongly suggest you keep yourself very well supported through the detachment process, it can be grueling on us. Therapy, 12 step groups, parent groups, family groups, whatever works for you and allows you to feel comforted. Also, make sure to take care of YOU, do kind things for yourself, it's easy to forget about ourselves when our children are floundering.

    I'm glad you found us and please keep posting, it helps to be in a place where others understand and can offer you support and some comfort. Hang in there. I wish you peace.
  5. amys3yungins

    amys3yungins New Member

    Well, I am happy to report that my difficult child grew tired of couch surfing. He called me this past Sunday ready to go to a recovery center that seems like a really great program. I am grateful for the encouragement on this site. Hopefully this is the start to the rest of his life but it will have to be up to him. I know that I am powerless to help him. If I had been able to help it would have changed him long ago and we all know that is an impossiblitly. His choices are HIS. Thanks again for being here.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Great update, thanks for letting us know. Yes, we are all powerless over others.............I wish you and your son success. And, peace of mind for you..........
  7. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Hi Amy
    I also found this site very recently and it has helped me a lot to know that I'm not alone. Reading other threads and all the advice about detachment has been like a beam of sunshine breaking through the black cloud that's been hanging over me for so long. Welcome and best wishes! I hope you find some answers to your situation or at least some ways of dealing with it all and maintaining your ability to not become emotionally devastated by the worry, sadness, anger and hopelessness of coping with a troubled son. x
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Amy, that is great news! Your son's story sounds remarkably like my son's story---but your son is "getting" it and I am celebrating for you and for him.

    Please keep us posted and I pray that he continues to progress. Evidently he was "sick and tired" enough to want something different and to be ready to start the work.

    That is true for all of us. When we are sick and tired enough, we are ready to stop enabling, stop whatever we are doing in our lives that isn't bringing us peace and contentment and serenity....we will be open to a new and different way of doing things.

    And then the work begins.

    And YOU---you stayed out of the way. What a wonderful gift you gave him! You are allowing him space to realize he must do something to make his life his own---you can't. Whatever that looks like, it's up to him.