new here...please help i'm at a loss

njmom

NJ mom
Hi there...I'm feeling very broken and defeated. My 12 year old son has been diagnosed ADHD/ODD since he was 5, and medicated with concerta since then. His father is diagnosed bipolar and refuses medication, which is why I divorced him when my son was 7. My son is a staright A student,and is involved in sports. However, for the past year (since puberty) he's been out of control. He still maintains his grades, and he does show remorse for the things he does. He has no control over his emotions, he goes from hot to cold in minutes. He cries when he thinks people are picking in him, he has hit kids who he has felt are making fun of him and ended up having detention and then in school suspension. He has no filter to know when boys are just joking around with each other. We left his normal therapist because she thought he has more of a conduct disorder and he now gets more intensive therapy twice a week for 2 hours. Therapy doesnt seem to work for him, he's been in therapy for 6 years. I think that he has bipolar but his child psychiatrist says you can't diagnose it this young. She diagnosed him with Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder and added 2 mg of abilify a month ago to his concerta and 3 mg of intuniv for his impulsivity. He also has a lot of anxiety. In December I realized that he was urinating in his bedroom at the foor of the bed and alos in the playroom behind the couch. Finally after lying about it for weeks i actually caught him, but only then did he admit to it. He had no reason for doing it. I took him to the doctor for bloodwork to rule out any emdical issue. He stopped doing it until this weekend when i saw that he's been doing it again in the playroom. I am at my wits end. I don't know what I did wrong, he wasn't ever physically or sexually abused. This weekend I asked him to give me his phone during a play we were at and he loojed at me with eyes that looked like he wanted to hurt me. He has stolen money from my husband and he is also a closet eater. I have to hide food because he will eat it and then hise the wrappers in the couch. He has always had trouble making friends, and the friends he does have all are a little awkward or have issues like ADHD, etc. I have a call into his psychiatrist because obviously the abilify which he's been on a month is not working. Does anyone else relate to any of this? Is there any medication you think "works"? I think I'm losing my sanity. I miss my old son.
 

BloodiedButUnbowed

Well-Known Member
Hi there,

Welcome. You are among friends and fellow parents of troubled and atypical children. Glad you found us!

Your son has a lot going on and it is so frustrating to have multiple/changing diagnoses. It's true that many times clinicians are reluctant to diagnose a mental illness in an adolescent. Based on what you describe, it almost sounds like an autism spectrum disorder should be ruled out. His social immaturity and difficulties interpreting social cues are red flags to me, as well as his food hoarding - though the latter could be a side effect of the Abilify.

You can seek out a developmental pediatrician (ask his regular pediatrician for a referral) who can investigate the autism angle further. At his age, if he has an autism spectrum condition, he can be helped with specific therapies.

Does he have an IEP?

Puberty can bring on mental illness that is dormant until the hormones begin to turn on. My younger stepson is bipolar. The first symptom was a suicide attempt last fall which nearly succeeded. He was 15 at the time.

Keep us posted.
 

HMBgal

Well-Known Member
You are not alone, and have indeed found a soft place to land. When you peruse the threads, read the signature lines, you will really feel that we are part of a community. I don't know what's going on with your son. Puberty, other stuff, anxiety, DMDD, etc. Sounds an awful lot like my grandson, who is 11 with complicated diagnoses, we've tried so many medications and we are still trying to figure things out, and he's been on medications since he was five. We finally went the route of the gene testing for drug interactions. In our case, it was a good investment.
 

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
I have dealt with my sons mental illness since he was about 10. He is 36 now and diagnosed bipolar among other things. He was also diagnosed with many different things until the bipolar which my gut tells me is correct. It is a hard road but you are not alone and you are getting a better start than i did. My sons first psychiatrist just said he was stubborn. Dont give up they have made a lot of progress in the last few years. Prayers are with you.
 

njmom

NJ mom
Thank you all for your supportive words. I feel lost and very, very alone. My son does not have an IEP, he never needed one, he's always been a staright A student. The issues we have had in school were before he was diagnosed and medicated for his ODD (tipping over desks, refusing to get up off the carpet etc). And the new issues we've had are when he thinks he's being picked on or being made fun of. My husband has always been supportive, but this "isn't his son" as he likes to tell me when my son acts up. he says things like "I don't know how much more I can take", and "I didn't sign up for this". I've been with my husband for 6 years, and my son didn't start really acting out until this year.... it hurts so much. I honestly don't know, I'm so stressed and deopressed and tired of being strong. My son was never diagnosed on the spectrum at all, although he has trouble making friends and he misses a lot of social cues. I don't see what that diagnosis would do....is there different medications for that? From what I've seen most medications all kind of treat the same things. Right now he is on Concerta for ADHD, Intuniv 3 mg for impulsivity, and new is Abilify for the Mood Dysregulation Disorder.
I'm concerend about the unrinating and lying about it. From what I've read that falls in the "Conduct Disorder" category. My heart breaks for my little boy. Does anyone have any experience with that apsect?
Thanks....
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
njmom,welcome.I'm sorry you are struggling with your son's issues. I understand and have empathy for you feeling alone, many if not most of us feel that way....and with limited support from your husband, it's not hard to see how alone you feel. I'm sorry your husband is not more supportive of you and your son, it's unfortunate that he feels it necessary to make insensitive and hurtful remarks.

I do not have suggestions about your son's diagnoses other than it can be awhile before anything concrete is formulated, which is hard on you. I suggest you contact NAMI The National Alliance on Mental illness. They offer parent courses which will give you information, resources, support and help. You can access them online, they have chapters in many cities. Here is the link: NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

It is imperative that you find support for yourself. This is a difficult path and dealing with this alone with limited support will set you up to be depleted, exhausted and more depressed. Seek out support for yourself in private therapy, parent groups, anywhere where you are safe, seen, heard, listened to, are able to vent, speak freely and get all the support & guidance you need. Perhaps starting with NAMI and their parent course. If you would like therapy, good resources for local therapists are goodtherapy.org and the Psychology today website. This is a tough journey you're on, however, if you give yourself the gift of support for YOU and focus some of your attention on yourself, it will make a huge difference....

Take care of yourself, nurture and nourish yourself as you continue advocating for your son. Continue posting here, it helps to share our stories and be offered compassion and understanding.....you are NOT alone, you are among a kind and caring community of other parents who've walked or are walking in similar shoes.........we will circle our wagons around you while you walk this path....we understand the pain and the guilt and the fear.....

You matter too nymom.....your feelings and your fears and your hurting mother's heart matter.....and this is important to hear.....you did not do anything wrong.....you can avoid a lot of pain if you release the guilt now, it serves no purpose but to keep you stuck and offer you unending suffering.....things happen in life we have no control over....how you respond is important.....blaming yourself is not productive, it's useless.... Others in your life may direct that blame to you, but they're wrong, they don't get it like we do here......you didn't do anything wrong..... it just is what it is.....accept that.......and proceed with finding options for your son.

My prayers are with you......
 

wisernow

wisernow
I agree with all of the above posts. Also you sound like an awesome, strong warrior mom otherwise you wouldn't have found this forum so please don't blame yourself for what is happening. Explore the medical options and also join some groups and get counseling for yourself as this is hard stuff. I do have one question. Is there any chance your son is being bullied at school? Sometimes some of these reactions are a result of that. Know that you are among friends here and hugs. Keep posting and stay strong!
 

BloodiedButUnbowed

Well-Known Member
Hi there again,

RE speaks wisely, do make sure that you are taking care of yourself. My situation is different from yours but I do have experience with a spouse who isn't always supportive. To add that hurt onto the pain you're experiencing as a mother is awful. Be gentle and good to yourself. You didn't cause your son to go off the rails, and it will be important for you to understand and accept that you cannot fix him with love.

As far as an IEP is concerned, it sounds to me that this might be an avenue to pursue. At 12 years old he still has enough years of schooling ahead of him that it can make a difference. If he is getting into trouble at school and is experiencing social difficulties, he may qualify under emotional disability, regardless of his intelligence. He is obviously struggling and needs help. At the very minimum he should easily be eligible for a 504 plan due to his psychiatric diagnoses, and the school should offer him social work support to help him learn social cues and interact with his peers in a more positive way.

What are your plans for the summer with him? Will he have camp or other activities? Summer can be a difficult time for children who need structure.

I agree the inappropriate urination is troubling along with the stealing.

Is son in outside therapy, and does he see a psychiatrist?
 
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