New Here

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DiC, Jan 13, 2008.

  1. DiC

    DiC New Member

    I can't believe I found a place like this. I don't know why it took me so long. I need to read all of the posts, but I also just need to hear from you all. I am so depressed I know, and I was seeing a therapist while I was in MA, and I am going to find one here in FL.
    My difficult child was truly that until this past June. At 28, she was working for the past 6 years as a corrections officer. Her husband just shy of 3 years had just transitioned from corrections to the local police department. She sold the little house they first bought and bought a beautiful home in a very nice part of town. Because of the low interest rate loan they were able to get, they were 30,000 dollars short and asked to borrow it from us. Three weeks later her husband called to say that she left him.
    The nightmare hasn't stopped. Within a month she was put on administrative leave. There were accusations of "inappropriateness" with an inmate. Letters were found by my niece to confirm she was planning to hook up with this oxy/heroin addict. In for 2 years this last stint, accessory to murder, robbing pharmacies X2, total jail time 7 years.
    After being watched leaving a motel and shopping at a mall with him, she was fired. Her husband lost his job since he was still on probation.
    She is now living in an apartment in a seedy area above a tatoo parlor. She quit her job as a waitress, that she was in love with last month.
    Our conversations go very poorly, she can't understand why I won't embrace this. She was going to take her retirement money to pay us back, but "he" has convinced her not to do that now. We pay the interest every month on her loan from our equity line. Her Dad, a retired state trooper is also sick from this.
    I just feel like I can't live with this. I don't want to. Everyday when I wake up from what little sleep I get, I can't believe this is my life. This is my baby.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Oh goodness, DiC. I can certainly understand why you picked the "Run For Your Life" avatar that you did. I'm sure it must be a reflection of how you are feeling. I'm so sorry.

    I see a couple of things. Yes, please do read the posts here and on our archives. There is much discussion on "detachment"- and, frankly, it is what keeps most of us sane in the long run.

    And please get some help for yourself. Depression is common while raising these kids, it's no wonder that this setback seemingly out of nowhere has put you in a tailspin. There is good professional help out there and good medications if they are deemed necessary to kickstart you back on track.

    Please add your signature. It helps us keep each other straight and reminds us of your story so you don't have to repeat it all the time.


  3. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Welcome DiC....

    First of all I want to send you some hugs. :frown: Self-sabbotage is what comes to my mind. Seems to be a trait of many of our difficult children (Gifts from God). At least with mine it has been. :frown: No matter how old our difficult children get they will always be our babies but there does come a time when we just have to let go. Believe me... I know how hard that is. :frown:

    I don't have any words of wisdom to share with you. It does sound like she has gotten herself into quite a mess, and pulled you and your dear husband along with her... financially anyway. :frown: I'm so sorry. :frown:

    Keep posting.. even if just to rant, cry, vent or whatever. I can tell you that it really does help to know you are not alone.

    Sending you gentle hugs.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Goodness what a mess your daughter has got her whole family into!

    Does anyone have an inkling what caused her to even start down this path of destruction? Did she ever have mood swings or bouts of depression that looking back might be red flags that something could be coming?

    The reason I ask is maybe she had her first major manic episode and this is the result. It can happen this way with bipolar in adults and the suddenly leaving her happy life with a good job, nice husband, happy family for an inmate just seems a bit manic and self destructive to me.

    I really feel for you and her poor husband. How sad that her actions cost him his job.
  5. DiC

    DiC New Member

    <span style="color: #000099"> </span> <span style='font-family: Arial'> </span> Thank you so much for the responses!
    I have been trying to educate myself on the site and catch up with all the posts. It does help to feel I'm not alone, I wish I could offer some help to others, but I can't help myself right now.
    My difficult child was not a troublesome child or teenager. She witnessed my older daughter acting out, not able to keep her curfew, and being so disruptive that she moved out as soon as she graduated cosmetology. Also she got pregnant, but later married before the baby.
    The counselor I saw while in MA, trying to make some sense of this said she was rebelling now because she did't do it as a teen. And it was worse when they do this as an adult.
    difficult child did see a counselor that I know and saw in the past myself. With the Hippa laws and her age, I don't have any information about what is going on with her. When she bought her new house, she said she was having panic like attacks and thought she might be depressed. I went with her to her NP and she put her on Celexa. I have been taking it since menopause. I think she has a family history of clinical depression including me. Three weeks later she changed, I did suspect the medication, but everyone said that was not the problem. She is now off it because "he" told her she wouldn't be depressed anymore. My husband suspects he might be selling them on the street.
    I have asked her if she is taking drugs, When I tell her how worried I am she laughs at me and tells me I need help.
    Whats really pushing me over the edge is my mother, who thinks I'm not there for my daughter, is embracing this situation! difficult child has her convinced it is her ex's fault and this new ex-felon-convict is a sterling character! Someone please tell me how to deal with Mom before I disown her! <span style="color: #000099"> </span> <span style='font-family: Arial'> </span>
  6. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    {{{{HUGS}}}} I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine you pain and disappointment. You obviously taught her a good way of life as she was living it. SHE has made bad choices and her choices have consequences. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. The only thing I can say with any form of definitiveness is stop paying her bill even if it means she looses the money. Hang in there! You will get through this! One day at a time... step by step.
  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Jeeze, what a mess she has caused. I know its really upsetting when they start making bonehead choices as a full grown adult, and even worse, you end up getting sucked into the drama, along with family members, and friends and now you have to live with battle lines drawn...uggggg

    Thankfully my mother lives far away, and is kept relatively clueless about my eldest - I tell her very little, but she still gets on me about, well...can't you just to her, tell her, order her, plead with her.. And I always respond, no I can't and I won't - its her life, she is free to make a big mess of it and I am free not to participate in any absurdities or stupidity because if I did, I will be sucked into her drama and I am definately not going there anymore. been there done that and have more than my share of the been there done that Tshirts.

    Is it a mental health issue - who knows - its easier to think it might be and therefore there is a good explaination for the crazieness. It may be just a simple case that life was getting too predictable and boring and she needed a change, and made one, much to her detriment and that of her husband.

    Nevertheless, you never stop loving them or worrying about them when they do something rash that is so life altering.

  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Chances are I am the one that can relate to your pain most as my
    daughter is a CO who "fell in love" with a prisoner and secretly
    arranged for him to take a train after his discharge and come to
    our move into her house...and babysit her younger son
    who was in elementary school!! My husband and I had bought "her" house so that she would have a stable home for her two sons. We
    spent our limited retirement funds for that purchase and since
    she made an adequate salary, we convinced ourselves that she would pay the mortgage etc. etc. It was suppose to be a win/win.

    She "hid" him from all the family. After not hearing a word from
    her or difficult child for a couple of weeks my radar began to screach! I
    sent a relative to the house for an unexpected visit and he told
    me "I would bet the farm that the guy at the house is a convict".
    Even though GFGmom has been impulsive all her life, I truly was
    shocked beyond belief. Then it turns out he was in prison for
    an alleged sexual assault (his brothers girlfriend) the whole
    family was alarmed.

    After three years he hooked up with a new girlfriend who was also a Puerto Rican. What did GFGmom do?? She decided "to prove to that girlfriend that SHE was the love of his life" so she got pregnant.
    Taught him!

    We had to spend $$'s to clean up the house enough to sell it. We
    had to threaten to turn her into her bosses if she did not sign
    her deed interest over to us. The little girl is almost six.
    The biodad will be released from prison this summer (he was put
    back in prison for not notifying officials of his change of address which is required for all sexual offenders in Florida).
    GFGmom is still making choices on impulse. Although she doesn't
    "love" the biodad, she will be receptive to the money he will be
    prepared to give her for "their" daughter in exchange for the right to bond with the daughter.

    Does my story help you at all????? NOPE
    Do I have any answer that will help you???? NOPE
    Do I have any advice?? YES

    Study the missive on detachment. Get out of the loop at any cost
    right now. If you have to forget your Mom, too...then do it. I
    am an extremely strong, experienced parent. Once adult children
    make a series of BAD choices like your daughter and mine, there
    is no reason to think you can help or change them. Eventually
    if she "wakes up", you will be the one she knows loves her and
    she will contact you for help.

    Sending sincere caring thoughts your way. DDD
  9. DiC

    DiC New Member

    OMG DDD Just reading your post, I cannot tell you, or you probably do know how it feels to realize you are not alone.
    I blame myself, but I don't know what I did. I was so close, or so I thought, to her.
    My husband and I moved to FL from MA 4 years ago. Although he retired from the state police, he was planning to work here. We have had our own financial setbacks without her help.
    And now my Mom, I told my sisters, maybe she will be the first one he cleans out.
    I just don't know if this is drugs, she says no, but she lies about so much. She was so stable. I did ask her NP if she was bipolar, she didn't think so. difficult child stopped seeing her therapist, she said it was because she was fine. I think it was when she did hook up with the inmate. Now she doesn't have a job, her health insurance will end soon, and I do know I won't be helping her.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, this isn't your life. It's HER life unless you make it your life. I have two thirty year old boys and if they made those choices I wouldn't pay interest on a loan for five dollars for a Happy Meal. At her age you have no control over what she does, only what you do and you don't owe her anything. You can be a listening ear if she decides to do the right thing, but I wouldn't help her one bit in this.
    Welcome aboard.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sometimes just knowing you are not alone is a comfort. I hope so
    or I wouldn't even share. My head still spins when I realize
    that for almost 21 years our lives have been dominated by GFGmom
    just because we felt it necessary to "save the boys". Don't
    let your life be absorbed. Believe me it is not worth it. DDD
  12. DiC

    DiC New Member

    Hello everyone, I have been reading as many posts as I can. I want to send my prayers and love to you all.
    Well, just what I wanted to avoid, has happened. I am trying to get an appointment with a therapist, but she has not called back yet. Mom did though, and when I told her I didn't think it was a good idea for me to talk to her right now, that I needed to speak to a therapist first, she pushed for a reason. I told her I knew she was embracing the situation my difficult child has herself in and met the ex-felon con. All she got out was "well just because you don't care what your daughter is doing" and the F-bombs flew! I told her I hoped she was the first one he cleans out!
    Shortly after I hung up on her, difficult child called and said we needed to talk. When she asked why "I" was acting so "crazy", more F-bombs flew and I hung up on her.
    Interestingly, difficult child just called as I am typing this and wanted to talk. When she tried to say she knew how judgemental my husband and I are and we need to be more openminded, well more of the same, I hung up.
    I am not proud, I am on the edge, I know. I will call the office again today.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, I know how hard it is (I still worry myself crazy sometimes over my grown kids) I would only talk to her if she's going to be respectful. No conversation will go anywhere if she calls you names and is abusive and she's too old to throw little girl tantrums. I would tell her you'll talk to her rationally, quietly, calmly, no swearing. Set the rules where if she swears at you, you will quietly hang up and then do it. (I handled my daughter this way when she was out-of-control and it worked). It's just a suggestion, of course. I'd set the same rules for your mother. Your mother is really enabling her behavior...I don't get it, but, then, I don't get lots of things.
    Try to calm down. For most of her life, this daughter did well. Like you said, she is now acting out, but hopefully she will come to her senses on her own (nobody else can make her come to her senses).
    I have a son who was Perfect Son until he met his wife. Then he became a very strange type of Christian (none like I ever heard of before--where you aren't as close to your family and your wife is everything, but he's in charge etc.) I haven't talked to him in two years. He wants nothing to do with us anymore. I have no idea why. Maybe he thinks we're heathens. I know how puzzling it is when a grown child suddenly changes drastically--it's much weirder than when a teen does it. You don't expect it.
    After two years, I've come to accept it and let go. It's up to him if he sees us or not. We can't control or his wife or their beliefs or what they think about us. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my life and not let this disappointment ruin it for me. I did the best I could with this child--we adopted him at six. If he doesn't care about us or want to be with us anymore, it's completely out of my control. The more contact I had with him, trying to figure out what was wrong and talking to him when he would shut down, the worse it got for me.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You have to go with YOUR feelings. My Ex decided that he would
    be the "supportive parent" when my daughter brought home her felon. Ex and his wife had a barbecue to "get to know him" and
    "remembered the guy from a Miami restaurant where he served him
    a great meal". :hammer: Boy, isn't that awesome?

    Even after the alcoholic boyfriend gave booze to easy child/difficult child and marijuana,
    taught the elementary school difficult child about "pleasing women"...Ex still supported "our" daughter. It's like One Flew Over The
    Cuckoo's nest. Separate yourself politely from the chaos. Get
    some help for yourself. When it all falls apart, everyone will
    know where to find you. Hugs. DDD
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi and Welcome,

    You know it strikes me VERY odd that your daughter was able to have a job, a home, a husband and then BLAM - she's beguiled by a felon with a drug problem.

    So my take on this without knowing any more than I do - is that your daughter has some self esteem issues. On top of that she's met a man who is very manipulative - a master. He said things to her that she needed/wanted to hear. Whether it was sub-conscious or not. I never have and never will buy into the "she didn't get to run around and be crazy when she was young so she's doing it now" thing - I think it can happen - but something else is going on. I wouldn't try to label it per se but sometimes if we understand what is going on with our kids - it makes it easier to decide to detach. It's like getting permission to go.

    As far as the house she's in and all her business and her family business - he already knows what she knows. Believe me - he's got no ones best intentions at stake but his. Once he gets her to sever ties with you - she'll go to grandma, and when she's cleaned out - he'll be onto someone else. Grandma will be broke, she'll be a wreck and he'll get off scott free. Right now = the way she's speaking to you is more than likely because of junk he's manipulating in her head. Abusive people/maniuplators are masters at cutting women from her herd. Sounds basic - but it's exactly what's going on. He's feeding her head with stuff that she doesn't even know is making her like she is - suspicious, trusting ONLY him, and eventually she won't be calling you at all. It's his plan - whether she or anyone else wants to admit it -

    he's had time to sit in jail and listen to all her problems and console her - what else did he have to do? He's gotten all the information he needed to be able to get out, have a place to live, have a sugar momma to support him and his habits - these men know what they are doing - they are surviving the only way they know how. And women like your daughter, like me - get sucked right in, buy the farm and before you know it - you're pregnant and believe the man owns you. These types of predators can do an extreme amount of damage in a very short period of time.

    Is there anything you can do about it? Urge her to go to counseling and sit back as she laughs at you - he's already convinced her she's the smartest thing on the planet. She doesn't need her family will be next - but good old grandma - sweet good old grandma - yeah he'll keep her around because he already knows she'll take her granddaughters side in all of this and yes, she'll get cleaned out.

    Write out what you think is going to happen - a premonition of sorts - and date it, then file it away. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen - but your Mom is not going to believe it. You have so much as warned her - that's all you can do. When she calls to talk - talk, but make it understood you aren't discussing YOUR daughter. If she chooses to help your daughter and this man - her choice. We all have choices. When the chips hit the fan - take out your written /dated prediction and show it to your Mom. Maybe then she'll see you aren't being a "mean Mom" or a "selfish daughter" or not raising your adult daughter - I mean is she still raising you? good grief - No.

    As far as paying the loan or amortization interest - I would speak with a financial adviser, or a loan officer at the bank you have the loan on. Get out of it - NOW. If they are selling drugs and the state confiscates the house - you will loose anyway and STILL be making payments. It happens.

    As far as getting yourself into a pscyh? GREAT! Best thing you can do for yourself.

    I am really sorry for your loss. D3 is very right about letting the kid come to you. But get help now to stand your ground so you aren't a yo-yo parent - taking her in while he sleeps in the house you're paying for because they had a fight 0r moving her from MA to FL at your expense because she's DONE with him for good.

    I'm most sorry for her husband who seems like he really got shafted in this entire deal -

    Come back often
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending hugs and support. I'm so sorry for the way everything has gone downhill.
  17. DiC

    DiC New Member

    Again, my humble thank you and love for everyone who responds, I reread the responses for sanity. I do have an appointment with a therapist, but not until Jan. 24th.
    In my effort to be concise, I need to clarify two points. My husband and I gifted the money to difficult child and her husband for the new house from OUR equity line, which she has not given even the interest since July. She was supposed to get her own equity line, but left instead.
    Shamefully I have to admit that all the F-bombs came from MOI in my conversations with Mom and difficult child.
  18. DiC

    DiC New Member

    Yeah!! :doctor: Got an appointment tomorrow at noon!!
  19. mikekc

    mikekc New Member

    DIC, I am sorry to hear about all your trouble. I am new here also and I have been coming here to see that I am not alone with my difficult child and some have many more problems than I do. It hurts to see our children make the wrong choices and ruin their lives when we saw so much potential in them. The things on the site that keep me going are the stories where difficult children have turned their lives around and are productive people again. You are in my prayers. Mikekc

    Me- Retired Army, civil servant
    wife- RN, married for 8 years
    difficult child- 19 year old son, college drop out, DUI, ODD
    3 other sons doing well
  20. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member


    It is good that you plan to see a therapist to help you through whatever is coming next ~ but I often wonder whether a few good "F" bombs might not have resolved the situation(s) sooner for us.

    At least everyone would have been absolutely certain of where I stood.

    Next time?

    Slip a few in there for me. :smile: