Marguerite
Active Member
Truthsong, your first post to us was very expressive of your anger and frustration in the moment. However, we don't yet know you well so there will be some misconceptions. Hang in there, we do get it. Not everyone who comes here, especially to begin with, is as tuned in to their kid as you.
As you are indicating - loving your child doesn't necessarily mean liking your child all the time too. Oh boy, do we get that!
A point I really want to emphasise - if we say something like "you need to change your approach and really get into his head," that doesn't mean you're not already tuned in a great deal. But sometimes you need to take your knowledge of your child and rotate it through 90 degrees, then look again. What knowledge you already have, what understanding you already have, will always be greatly advantageous.
The toothpaste issue is interesting - why did it set him off? Did he think you were about to chide him for something and so he attacked first? difficult child 3 does this to me, so does easy child 2/difficult child 2. It also happens when approaches and discipline have, at least in the past, been blame-based. We talk here about natural consequences, but this can too easily slide into a culture of blame. It's what we do when kids are younger because it helps teach personal responsibility, but some kids get caught up in it too much and see every bad thing that happens (from their point of view) as someone's fault. Generally someone else's. It's raining today? Someone has to be to blame. I had to keep quoting to my kids, "Sometimes bad things happen to good people, for no real reason."
Another possibility re the toothpaste issue - you might have been trying to deal with too many things at once. You wanted to let him know yo had a new tube of toothpaste for him, plus you wanted to sort out the differences form the night before. He, on the other hand, was perhaps still raw over the previous night and had his own idea of what was "to blame" and anticipated, wrongly, that you were about to start more of the same.
What also has worked for me (it depends on the kid) is to say, "Whoa!" hands up in surrender. "I'm not going there. This is new. This is OK. I'm not angry or discussing anything that should upset you. Can I talk now?"
As I said before, a lot of this bad behaviour is anxiety-driven. If you can find the anxiety, you have a chance to de-fuse it. Sometimes you need to de-fuse it before you continue.
Another point - when you are hoping to have a resolution to a problem, you need more time. It should not happen while anyone is in transit from here to there, this task to that. Especially an Aspie. They do not transition well and if their mind is taken up with the process of making a necessary transition in safety, they will not cope with added mental complications.
I did say to you that your husband reminds me of mine. Loves his son, but boy, do they clash! Sometimes I want to bang both their heads together! I can see, if Im permitted to, where a problem has rapidly escalated. But too often by the time I get involved, too much has been said on both sides and the issue has been so muddied, we cannot find where to start to resolve it. We had something like that last night - difficult child 3 didn't like the tone of voice husband used towards him. husband said he didn't raise his voice. I believe him - I would have herd. But husband has a loud booming voice anyway, he doesn't need to raise it He has made HUGE progress and amazing effort, but it takes time for the improvements to percolate through and change difficult child 3's behaviour towards him. difficult child 3 loves his dad, but finds him frustrating at times. husband does things in his own meticulous way, and difficult child 3's egocentricity cannot understand that some people need to be allowed to do things their way, and that is OK. This will be an important lesson for difficult child to learn. Mine, and yours. Our husbands are, by their nature, more inflexible and unlikely to be as adaptable. But my husband has shown - change is still possible. He is not locked in stone. And I don't think he is a bad father at all. Just an honest one. But then - that's what you get, in Aspies. As a rule.
Something that did help difficult child 3 - knowing that his dad has Asperger's. He is often nagging us to get the diagnosis confirmed because "I need to know for sure", he says. I keep saying, "It's our working hypothesis."
A point about one's knowledge (or not) of Asperger's - I don't know how you feel about it, but to me that knowledge of Asperger's is like quicksand, constantly shifting and at times treacherous. For example, my statement to difficult child 3's Grade 3 teacher that difficult child 3 was incapable of lying. It was based on what I had read, as well as what I had observed. At home, where the fear and anxiety was low, difficult child 3 had no need to lie. But at school where he was far more anxious and where life was more unpredictable, he at times felt he needed to lie, to avoid teacher anger. We've gone into this at length in the thread on Asperger's and lying. But I had to change my own opinions that time; and over the years, raising a family of Aspies (what is the collective noun for Aspies? Ideas anyone?), I've learned that noting is certain, not even certainty. Whatever we may feel we know about Asperger's, chances are in five years' time, it will be amended greatly.
Lisa3girls, you need to not be so hard on yourself. You also need to take care of yourself. As I said to another person on this site just a couple of hours ago - your mental and physical health is the best gift you can give your children.
Marg
As you are indicating - loving your child doesn't necessarily mean liking your child all the time too. Oh boy, do we get that!
A point I really want to emphasise - if we say something like "you need to change your approach and really get into his head," that doesn't mean you're not already tuned in a great deal. But sometimes you need to take your knowledge of your child and rotate it through 90 degrees, then look again. What knowledge you already have, what understanding you already have, will always be greatly advantageous.
The toothpaste issue is interesting - why did it set him off? Did he think you were about to chide him for something and so he attacked first? difficult child 3 does this to me, so does easy child 2/difficult child 2. It also happens when approaches and discipline have, at least in the past, been blame-based. We talk here about natural consequences, but this can too easily slide into a culture of blame. It's what we do when kids are younger because it helps teach personal responsibility, but some kids get caught up in it too much and see every bad thing that happens (from their point of view) as someone's fault. Generally someone else's. It's raining today? Someone has to be to blame. I had to keep quoting to my kids, "Sometimes bad things happen to good people, for no real reason."
Another possibility re the toothpaste issue - you might have been trying to deal with too many things at once. You wanted to let him know yo had a new tube of toothpaste for him, plus you wanted to sort out the differences form the night before. He, on the other hand, was perhaps still raw over the previous night and had his own idea of what was "to blame" and anticipated, wrongly, that you were about to start more of the same.
What also has worked for me (it depends on the kid) is to say, "Whoa!" hands up in surrender. "I'm not going there. This is new. This is OK. I'm not angry or discussing anything that should upset you. Can I talk now?"
As I said before, a lot of this bad behaviour is anxiety-driven. If you can find the anxiety, you have a chance to de-fuse it. Sometimes you need to de-fuse it before you continue.
Another point - when you are hoping to have a resolution to a problem, you need more time. It should not happen while anyone is in transit from here to there, this task to that. Especially an Aspie. They do not transition well and if their mind is taken up with the process of making a necessary transition in safety, they will not cope with added mental complications.
I did say to you that your husband reminds me of mine. Loves his son, but boy, do they clash! Sometimes I want to bang both their heads together! I can see, if Im permitted to, where a problem has rapidly escalated. But too often by the time I get involved, too much has been said on both sides and the issue has been so muddied, we cannot find where to start to resolve it. We had something like that last night - difficult child 3 didn't like the tone of voice husband used towards him. husband said he didn't raise his voice. I believe him - I would have herd. But husband has a loud booming voice anyway, he doesn't need to raise it He has made HUGE progress and amazing effort, but it takes time for the improvements to percolate through and change difficult child 3's behaviour towards him. difficult child 3 loves his dad, but finds him frustrating at times. husband does things in his own meticulous way, and difficult child 3's egocentricity cannot understand that some people need to be allowed to do things their way, and that is OK. This will be an important lesson for difficult child to learn. Mine, and yours. Our husbands are, by their nature, more inflexible and unlikely to be as adaptable. But my husband has shown - change is still possible. He is not locked in stone. And I don't think he is a bad father at all. Just an honest one. But then - that's what you get, in Aspies. As a rule.
Something that did help difficult child 3 - knowing that his dad has Asperger's. He is often nagging us to get the diagnosis confirmed because "I need to know for sure", he says. I keep saying, "It's our working hypothesis."
A point about one's knowledge (or not) of Asperger's - I don't know how you feel about it, but to me that knowledge of Asperger's is like quicksand, constantly shifting and at times treacherous. For example, my statement to difficult child 3's Grade 3 teacher that difficult child 3 was incapable of lying. It was based on what I had read, as well as what I had observed. At home, where the fear and anxiety was low, difficult child 3 had no need to lie. But at school where he was far more anxious and where life was more unpredictable, he at times felt he needed to lie, to avoid teacher anger. We've gone into this at length in the thread on Asperger's and lying. But I had to change my own opinions that time; and over the years, raising a family of Aspies (what is the collective noun for Aspies? Ideas anyone?), I've learned that noting is certain, not even certainty. Whatever we may feel we know about Asperger's, chances are in five years' time, it will be amended greatly.
Lisa3girls, you need to not be so hard on yourself. You also need to take care of yourself. As I said to another person on this site just a couple of hours ago - your mental and physical health is the best gift you can give your children.
Marg