New Member, New Parent

[Fao]

My name is Fao, I am bi-gendered, married for just over 2 years, 23, and have a 15 month old son (first child, most likely only child).
I really need some advice. I will share my story, to give people some background about my situation. I probably sound whiny, but please understand I have never had kids, I have lived very sheltered my entire life, and am very naive about a lot of things. I apologize for the lnegth but I am desperate.
(forenote: I have been dealing with depression since I was 12, anxiety at least for 4 years)

Me & my husband have had some pretty bad luck since I became pregnant in 2015. We did get a new apartment that year, but that was probably the only good thing (beside getting pregnant & getting married a few months before said pregnancy). After we moved into our apartment, my husband had issues with his teaching job at the time, the apartment managers were not that friendly or helpful, and not only did my mother act somewhat hateful when I told her about her first grandchild, my husbands family who we had been living with before we got our apartment were not treating us that good.
Then I discovered (when I was about 6 months pregnant) that I possibly had gestational diabetes (could not take a needle during my pregnancy due to needlephobia), showing signs of pre-eclampsia, and just having trouble with my mental health. I was induced in December 2015, having my son on Jan 1st, not 6 hours after induction.
After my son was born, we had a bad car wreck a couple weeks later (no one was hurt, my son slept through it, although I am now too terrified to drive now & can barely get in a car). Things were ok for awhile, although my husbands parents were not thrilled that they rarely saw their third grandchild anymore (they did not understand that I could not drive, not that I wouldn't), but then the apartment manager starting getting y at us for calling them all the time for maintenance (various issues popped up, thanks to the weird weather of Arizona in the winter/spring). They also got mad when we got a dog, which was allowed, calling us & telling us to either get rid of the dog or break our lease early (he loved to bark, we ended up taking him the the shelter not 1 month after adopting him).
After leaving that apartment in the fall of '16, we moved to a city almost an hour away for a new job for my husband, which ended in him in the hospital, where when I went to see what happened, two nurses cornered me and made me feel like I needed to be checked in for thoughts of self harm. I ended up in a mental hospital for over a week, when I was told I would only be there for a day or two.
All this time, I have taken care of my son primarily by myself, with hardly any help from my husband (who doesn't act like he wants anything to do with our son half the time). No help from anyone outside my husband & myself.
Because of being in a hospital for a week, with my husband in a separate hospital (I never found out where they sent him, he didn't know the name), we lost our apartment and we forced to move in with parents.
Since then, they have been disrespectful, rude, mean, acted like I don't exist, his mother acts like she doesn't care about our son (he has crawled to her wailing multiple times, including a time just after his first birthday where I am almost 100% certain she ran over his hand with a chair, and she has just gone on talking to someone on the phone or ignoring him), she rarely ever feeds him herself (& I don't thinnk she ever has), have made multiple comments on how we absolutely have to pay them back for everything they have helped us with even though they know we are having finacial issues, and because of their attitude towards me specifically, I have become suicidal, my depression has turned severe, my anxiety has worsened, and my self-esteem (what little of it there is) has plummeted to zilch. I also discovered in the summer of '16, I was transgender & my husbands parents have made multiple comments how anyone who is LGBT should go into hiding, not exist, die, be locked up, go to a mental hospital (which traumatized me terribly), ect.
Since we moved back in with his parents, our son has begun crying constantly, begging for every scrap of food he sees, demanding that he always be held or at least that someone is playing with him, and I have begun to hate him.
I can no longer stand my own son! Having him has shown me that I should not have anymore kids, but also that I probably shouldnt be a parent. I hate having him around, I no longer have time for myself & no longer recognize myself, and every moment I get to myself is spent trying to keep myself from walking in front of traffic on the interstate or taking a bunch of random pills. I am in therapy, my therapist knows about all this, but unfortunately the biggest that could help is something that is impossible for her to help with, which is finding a safe place to live (& no shelter in town will take us, & we would have to rehome our therapy cats, which we cannot do).
Yes, I am whiny & selfish, but I am tired of living like this, where every waking moment is thoughts of hatred, exhaustion, killing myself, and crying.

 

[pigless in VA]

Welcome, Fao. Let's start with big, squeezy hugs for all you've been through.

I am so sorry that your husband's parents are not understanding. Have you told them how you feel about being transgender? If not, I don't think I would bother. I believe it would only make your situation with them worse.

I think it must be terribly difficult for you to be a strong parent to a toddler when you are going through so much emotional turmoil. Let's call it what it really is though: your depression has taken control. I don't think you really hate your son so much as you hate your life circumstances at the moment. It's terribly hard to parent a toddler. It's even worse to parent a toddler when you are severely depressed. I remember wishing that I could go move in with the old folks in order to get some peace and quiet.

Are you on an anti-depressant? How long have you been on it? Are you able to work or are you at home full-time with your son?

Is your husband working?

 

[Fao]

I'm actually extremely open about being transgender usually, because I finally feel at peace with myself about being myself. But his parents hate anyone who is trans (they refuse to be friends with anyone LGBT I've noticed), and I'm afraid if I told them, they would kick us out it wouldn't be fair, but unfortunately, we are technically guest here.

I refuse to take medication though. I don't believe it is necessary for everyone, nor has it ever worked for me (seriously, the only medication I have ever taken that actually affects me was the oxcy stuff I was on when my son was born). I am, however, open to natural medications (herbs, meditation, sweat lodges, those kinds of things). Meditation worked for me in the past, but that was well before I was even married, let alone with a kid. I have tried a couple anxiety medications in the past, but they actually made me worse. They put me on one at the hospital against my will (I found out I could've been there for a month if I refused it), and it actually made me paranoid, have increasingly disturbing nightmares, and felt ill for a week after stopping it when I left.

& I am mentally unable to work. Possibly physically unable actually. The last time I had a job that lasted for more than a month (the only job that lasted that long), I got extrememly sick, & lost my job because of that. Not entirely sure why, but I only got sick at work, nowhere else. The other time's I worked, I got either severely stressed to the point where it affected my work terribly or caused a physical illness where I could not do my job. Mentally, I am not stable enough to do almost any job, at almost any location. I know I could work at a bookstore if I tried, since I'm so comfortable there, but unfortunately that refuse to hire me (even when I do not mention the very few, short jobs I had). I have social anxiety, and working with people makes me very short-tempered, as well as increases my chance for either a breakdown or fullblown panic attack (which I am hoping is just stress related due to where I am living. If it is, then it should disappear. If it's not, my therapist has agreed to write out a letter for a service dog).

My husband does work, but it's third shift so I'm alone with my son while we both sleep, but while my husband is home & we are awake, he has to sleep so I'm taking care of our son literally by myself. I can't wake him up, & I've tried

 

[pigless in VA]

I encourage you to try an anti-depressant. They can reduce the suicidal thoughts and increase your patience level and decrease your anxiety.

Honestly, living with a toddler is rough. They are large enough to get into trouble and not smart enough yet to know what is dangerous. I had no family support when my kids were little either. I know that you're afraid to drive right now. Do you live close enough to a park to walk there? Taking your son to a park would get you outside which may help a little, but it will certainly help wear out your son.

If you live close enough to a library, they often have storytime for toddlers. It's free and will be good for the both of you. No, they don't have to sit still for it.

You need to push yourself to cope with the social anxiety. You aren't getting support from your husband's parents and as a young mother, you need people. You need to talk to other adults. You need to talk to other parents. If you isolate yourself and your son, both of you will get stir crazy.

Do you live in neighborhood? You love animals. I bet you could pet sit for people and earn a little money doing it. I think anything you do to become more independent of the inlaws is a plus. Yes, it would be best if you could find a different place to live.

Are you helping out your inlaws with chores, cleaning and such? When someone is living with you those types of gestures go a long way toward repaying the "debt" that you owe them. Also, doing something physical helps with depression. Even small tasks with visible results can boost you mentally.

 

[Copabanana]

I want to tell you: welcome.

I want to tell you that I felt the same way when I brought my son home who I adopted at 22 months. I felt a prisoner. It has a nightmare. Until I realized that feeling this way is normal. And then I forgave myself, and the panic went away. I would guess more stay at home mothers are depressed than not, they just do not tell anybody.

I think getting your story out on the page is a very, very healthy thing.

You will get support but most of all you put the truth and the feelings on the page and you can now support yourself by looking at the reality of things, which little by little you can change.

You have had trauma after trauma. Loss after loss. Nobody could be in any better shape that has gone through what you have.

I have a fear of driving under some circumstances, too. I was a perfectly confident driver and then, I turned into a wreck. Oh well. There are many, many people who never have driven. This you will deal with when and if you choose.

To me, you have to find a way to get some respite. And a way through the depression. I agree about the anti-depressant. If you are unable to work due to mental illness or other health problem or disability you can apply for SSI or SDI through social security. But this will take some time.

I think pigless' idea of pet sitting is fantastic. What about dog walking? That would get you out of the house and some time alone.

As far as the in laws, I may be wrong, but I do not think they need to know your personal business. I do not think you need more problems or hassle or to risk possible rejection.

I think that it is horrible even entertaining the idea that your child's grandparent may have run over his hand with a chair, was it?

I think everybody wants to have some control over their lives, to feel that problems will resolve and when we feel we do not, we become desperate and seek escape to the point of self-harm. I think, first, you need to forgive yourself for feeling despair and to recognize that it is really not you--it is the cumulative effect of the situation. I believe that. That anybody goes off the deep end if the stress and losses are more than they can handle. I know I do.

This is what I believe: I believe that we always have ourselves to fall back on--if we learn to be there for ourselves. I have found great peace and strength through turning to g-d. I have turned to spirituality. And I was never before a believer.

If you are open to this, or feel there is the potential for such, I would urge you to begin reading about spirituality and allowing it into your life and yourself. I believe that many people come to spirituality at crisis points in their lives when their existing tools to cope or understand do not serve.

This may be one direction you could go. It is available 24 hours and you need go nowhere. Actually in a few minutes a couple of people are coming to our house. My SO has been talking with missionaries for the last few months who are coming to meet with him every night this week. He does this not to convert or to join but to feel peace in himself and to bring g-d into his life.

I have an altogether different religion than he does, or they do--but it all works the same. We are not alone. Our lives matter. There are great truths that are there for the knowing. That are far greater than any personal pain or distress that we feel in the moment.

I was an atheist for almost all of my life. I changed. Because my life taught me I was not enough to handle this alone. There is no shame in being not enough. Join the club! You are human.

Anyway, I am glad you posted. I hope you stay with us. Take care. You will find your way through this. I have not a doubt in the world. And by this journey you will discover and you will define who you are. You are already well on your way. Take care.

 

[BusynMember]

I also think you should try antidepressants. You cant live the way you are, feeling suicidal all the time. And maybe depression is why you dont enjoy your son. Depression is powerful and ruins your life. I am on an antidepressant and i think of it as insulin. It has saved my life and allowed me happiness in spite of having had many hardships too.

I wish you well!

 

[pigless in VA]

I think everybody wants to have some control over their lives, to feel that problems will resolve and when we feel we do not, we become desperate and seek escape to the point of self-harm. I think, first, you need to forgive yourself for feeling despair and to recognize that it is really not you--it is the cumulative effect of the situation. I believe that. That anybody goes off the deep end if the stress and losses are more than they can handle. I know I do.

That was very well said, Copa. Fao, you've had way too many changes in your life in a short period of time. I also did the get married, moved and had a baby all in the same year. It was a terribly stressful year.

When you are young like you are, even getting married can cause you to lose friends. Your single friends stop wanting to hang out. Then you have a baby. I lost every friend I had when Ferb was born. Then you move and everything changes. All these changes can make you feel discouraged and out of place. Top it off with a small, demanding, active little guy and you feel like you're drowning in your own life.

But you do have power. You have the power to decide it will be better. You can push yourself to make small changes to improve your own mental health. I think depression as an enemy that I have to actively fight. I don't want to but my survival depends on it. By extension, my children depend on me and need me to fight it and not give up.

 

[susiestar]

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I am so sorry that things are tough right now. You are dealing with a lot, and the in laws are awful! I cannot even IMAGINE how they treat your child! Well, I can. My mother in law is nuts and I can see her being that way. It is why she wasn't around my kids without intense supervision most of the time.

I know you don't like medication. I know it hasn't worked in the past. There is a way to take the trial and error out of finding the right antidepressant. They now have a dna test to see which ones are most likely to work for you. They still take a couple of weeks to work, but so do most herbs and natural remedies. I am begging you, for the sake of you child, PLEASE see a doctor and ask for this test. It is NOT a needle test. It is a cheek swab test. Just a qtip in your cheek and then they can help find a medication to help see what will work for you

This depression is because your brain chemistry is out of whack. Once you get it balanced out, you will be able to handle things better. Parenting a toddler is not fun. It is exhausting and you feel miserable. Just getting a shower is a major production because hte kid is into something.

One day my aunt was taking a shower. Her oldest was 3 1/2, her youngest 2. My aunt rinsed the soap out of her eyes and there were SIX people in the bathroom because her son led them all there to see if he could go out and play. The oldest was the 17 yo boy from down the block. Her shower door was see through.

Raising a toddler is miserable.

I am so sorry that your inlaws are so intolerant. Some people are just stupid and ignorant. Please try to find ways to ignore them and to laugh at their stupidity.