New member reaching out.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by bubblyyummy, Jan 28, 2012.

  1. bubblyyummy

    bubblyyummy New Member

    WOW!!Im new and lost,kinda feel like Im intruding in a personal conversation by reading your posts..I dont know how this works but this is my first attempt to reach out for my own sanity...for three years Ive reached out to every known source I could find for my son but to no avail,getting worse,and better yet Im treated like a nuisence ( oh boy pardon my spelling microsoft excel auto corrects) by my home town PD,his PO ,magistrates and everyone inbetween !!!....I dont know some of the abbrevs that are being used or why they are? I wrote a introduction ummm post/thread but somehow it wasnt posted ,got lost in internet space I guess :( Hello to all you incredibly strong brave women ![HR][/HR]41 single mother of 4
    Relationship for 17 yrs
    out for ?? hmmm 8 yrs maybe..I have no time concept/kids are gettin old not me!
    Small Trucking business owner for bus driver all the yrs before:)
    23 yr old son,no problems except too much video games,in college to be a teacher,still with his girlfriend since 16 yrs (proud and he is easy )
    almost 21 yr old daughter in college criminal justice,on to be a police officer pt... 6 more yrs for forensics science... smarter then me lol PROUD! She snuck out once,caught,admited tryin pot,hated it :) glad
    !7 yr old niece Ive had custody for 9 yrs now,honors student,completely loved,trusted,respected,beautiful and wouldnt change a hair on her head!!!
    I thought I was clear..he was so good until 3 summers ago,my youngest boy 15,the criminal charges list is too long to list,the drugs I didnt even knw some of them exsisted,the hatred ,defiance ,hes expelled ,missing,police dont care anymore,told me to beat him then charge him with domestic for me to have any back up it had to be a violent crime..he got suspended liscence that he never had in the first place..court again on 8th..nothin is gonna help..Im a hopeful person becoming not so hopeful:(
    Im gonna loose my trucking contracts if my truck isnt on scheduled construction....,Juudges treat me like I must not care about my kid...Im so angry Im being punished,they do nothing but reschedule and schedule more things I cant get him to..he walks out the court..gone doin his thing without a care or consequences...Im paying all the consequences and Ive been without a doubt a great,active,loving,providing,full of fun,boating,camping ,water rafting,bridge jumpin,cliff diving,rope swinging ,triple summersault/backflip into the lake,hotel trips with every friend they have twice a month all winter for winter blah breaks...Ive always been very close with my children..were a bunch of goofballs! He hates me,calls me horrible names a mother should NEVER hear...Im so lost!!! anxiety is horrible,stress overwhelming...CDL holder cant even get anxiety medications...almost all grey in 2 yrs:(
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2012
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome bubblyyummy. I am going to get your post moved to a new thread so others will know you are here. I'm glad you found us and as you have probably already seen by reading old are not alone. Once you are on your own I'm sure others will reach out. Hugs. DDD
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi bubblyummy,

    Welcome to the board. You have found the right place. We have all experienced loving a child with substance abuse issues so we understand what you are going through. One thing stuck me in your post, though . . .

    Why? I think it is time to let him suffer the consequences of his actions.


  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi bubbly - I know how hard it is to see your beloved child turn so hateful. And then we search and replay all our parenting moments in our heads looking for where we went wrong/ {{{hugs}}} and welcome to the board.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi and I am thrilled you found this amazing group of parents. I am so sorry. I dont have that system to deal with but have certainly had people tell me that my son must be like he is due to my bad parenting. One bus driver told me she was going to report me to CPS because my son was so disrespectful to her and that means I am a lousy parent. (mind you, she was driving his Special Education bus which he rides because of his brain injury which causes his behaviors, sigh) and I had a principal tell me that if I would use meaningful consequences instead of what I had been doing he would be fine. Every time he gets suspended I wonder if they realize that since it never improves things, it only results in punishing me. It is so frustrating and wrong and not even close to what you are experiencing so my heart hurts for you.

    How has he done in school all of these years? Looking back now, what were your first clues that he struggled in any way?

    Hang in there, it is still the weekend and many more will be alone through the week. Keep posting, while we may not have answers, we do listen and support you as much as we can. I have found the people on this board to be the most caring and understanding group I have ever met. I hope you find some relief as I did.

    HUGS and supportive wishes.... Buddy (wow, now we have a buddy, bubbly, and bunny... I am going to have to read closely I get a little dyslexic at times)
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. So sorry you are having a hard time with your son and his drug use. And even MORE sorry that you are being treated dismissively. Is there any way you can get him to go to rehab? Has anyone at all offered you any help? Is his father in the picture at all?

    When my daughter was using, I didn't know how bad it was. After she quit she told me and I am stunned at the types of things people use to get high.

    Glad you found us, although sorry you had to :<
  7. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Sounds like you are describing my difficult child and my trys (and cries) for help! I was also told I was too soft and offered parenting classes. I tried everything including tough love. He called me names, stole from me, let his friends steal from me.

    I made KMart press charges for a toy car her stole (they caught him and did not want to press charges since it was under $25) because he was getting into so much trouble. Went to court and I had to pay a $200 fine, no community service, nothing! I told him he had to pay me back, like I really thought he would!

    He stole the candy and money he was suppossed to be selling for a band trip to LA for the Super Bowl. He had skipped school for 2 weeks and the band teacher and other teachers could not believe that I didn't know he was not in school. I was told I needed to get my out of control difficult child under control, only good students were in the band.

    He lives with his girlfriend in another state and for about 2 to 3 years he was doing much better. until he met this one. They fight a lot and he threatens suicide and she wants to call me and scream and yell about him. He had told me they were not together any more. He said he was homeless and taking showers at friends homes and needed money. All of it was lies, the mother told me they fight a lot but always get back together. He stays with a friend a few houses down when they fight.

    Lies, lies, and more lies. He is currently giving me the silent treatment because I had to call the police to stop his girlfriends harassment. difficult child left nasty messages for me and for his sister (she is married living in a separate home).

    He apologized to his sister, but not me. He sent me a text about getting a wonderful job in NYC and that is a lie too! I just texted back that he needed to make sure he had the job before he moved. And both of them needed counseling. He didn't respond.

    I am very tired of it and trying to live one day at a time. Read about detaching yourself from the problem. A counselor told me about detachment when there is absolutely nothing you can do to help them. I meditate a lot and pray, find a hobby. Exercise and take care of yourself.

    It's sad when you are relieved that your difficult child is in jail beacause you know where they are at and they can't get drugs. HOPEFULLY!!

    My difficult child is an adult now but I don't think he will ever grow up! It is still hard and I tell myself each morning that this is HIS life path and I try to turn it over to a Higherpower. It's out of my control. I find posting here helps to get it out (venting).
    Try to have a good week.

    I really beieve that they do think it is our fault because we are trying so hard to get them on a better path.
  8. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Welcome to the board. You will find lots of support here. You are not alone in your struggle.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wanted to add my welcome. Right now I'm struggling with my difficult child's drug issues so I'm not the best one to even offer advice other than send support and I'm glad you found us.

  10. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    BY, Welcome. You are not alone. Many of us have been told in many ways we are "bad" or "loose" parents. We all know that isnt the case most of the time. As for paying the price-when they are minors and without a job, we do pay the price. When you go to court, you must tell the judge that you have done everything in your power. Let him know you are desperate and that you need help. Ask for a rehab or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that the juvenile justice system uses. Tell them you will loose your business and that you cannot get him off drugs and keep him safe. Let them know he is out of control-he runs off. We were able to get our daughter this help. doesn't always work but it keeps them safe for awhile and lets you heal. We are hoping that the skills she has learned will kick in when she is more mature at some point. If you can find out who the JJS worker/Po is and call and beg for them to push for a placement. You will have to pay child support to the state as they take temp. custody. This is much, much,cheaper than a private pay fascility (which we have also done).

    Hugs to you and keep reaching out. We understand.
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    First I want to say welcome to the board. Many of us here have been through or age going through the same things you are. You are not alone anymore. You have people who understand and who care.

    Reading through your post: Your son is 15, still a juvenile and you are already hooked into the justice system. He has a list of crimes too long to post but you cannot get a judge to order him into treatment. I am assuming a CHINS request has already been done? I see that you are a single parent but still wonder where is his father in all this and why is dad not helping with the transportation to PO and court and other things? You also say you operate a trucking company for the last 9 years. I am assuming that means you must be away alot? Doing the math your difficult child was 6 when you started this up, correct? Obviously you didn't leave him on his own at that age, so who took care of difficult child when you were on the road or at work? Is that person still available to look out for him when you are away? Can they possibly get him to where he needs to be for a modest fee? You cannot do this alone and you need to enlist all the help you can as soon as you can.

    by the way, the school administratin is crazy to think that a child couldn't be truant without the parent's knowledge.I KNOW that a kid can be truant from school without the parents finding out. I was a HS teacher and those kids would erase the phone messages and e-mails I sent and intercept the mail. They knew if the parents were not in the loop that I as the teacher could not fail them. It was beyond frustrating. Since this is happening to you, I would call the school every morning and ask if difficult child arrived. It will take you only five minutes and then the SD cannot accuse you of being uninvolved. If you have e-mail give all his teaches your address and ask for weekly updates. If difficult child refuses to do his homework or go to school call the adminstration. Put the ball back in their court. Make a case for how out of control he is by doing all the things you can to show them you are trying but can't manage to keep him in line.

    Now for the hard stuff. If you want to get your son into drug treatment, you do still have alot of control. Until he is either 18 or is declared an emancapated minor you can put him into treatment without his concent. That is not to say he will be cooperative but honestly at this age I would be dragging him anyway I could to counciling. The minimum being private counsiling twice a week. Honestly he seems out of control enough to warrant putting him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), or a boot camp. I would do whatever I could to get him straight before his 18th birthday. After that you have pretty much no control over him. So it is vital to get him help while you still can.

    If resources are the issue then you can apply for assistance. Go to your county or local mental health office and talk to someone there. They can give you info on what is available in your area and what kind of financing is available. If you are wiling to send him away there are places that will take them. Some are even free while others operate on a sliding scale. You can even get someone else to transport them if they are at risk of bolting or hurting someone. Alot of police officers do this after they retire.

    I sincerely hope you can get someone to help you with all this. when does he go to court? Does he have a lawyer that you can talk to who can request court ordered Residential Treatment Center (RTC)?
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2012