new plan for difficult child, again!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ready2run, Jan 9, 2013.

  1. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    So apparently CAS has decided that biomom is not a viable solution even if she is clean, medicated and doing well now. they could not elaborate but whatever it was is on record and makes her high risk...... they have offered us a potential temperary foster placement but apparently we only have five foster parents here and each has several kids already so they either have to shuffle kids or recruit another family who can take him.... i am pushing towards the inpatient treatment facility and long term placement. they don't seem to care that they gave me this kid with out warning me that he was damaged and that i have done all i can. they did talk to him though and he openly admitted what he did, wasn't remorseful, didn't acknowledge it was wrong, and said he'd do it again if given the chance. they said they don't think he understands. i think he understands enough to know better or he wouldn't have coaxed the other kids to keep it secret or been able to twist my virtues and values lessons to his purposes. i told them i don't want him, i am not going to treat him properly because i'm resentful and that he is better off going somewhere where he hasn't molested the people in charges kids. i am thinking i need to go over the cas's heads but i'm not sure who is over their heads...... psychiatrist appointment on the 22nd. hope they can help
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Take your kids and go. He isn't safe. Let Daddy Dearest figure it out. He molested your kids already? It is likely worse than you know. You don't want to save your other children's lives? Get that kid away from your other kids forever. It's too bad that the system doesn't get it. He understood what he was told. The fact is, like my own adopted son, he didn't CARE what he did and would do it again because HE HAS NO CONSCIENCE. He's not dumb, just uncaring about people. They don't matter to him...they are there for him to do what he wants to them and that spells trouble for any younger kid who can't fight back. Adults too!!! Pets...they are at terrible risk.

    I haven't wavered in my advice. Take t he other kids and run if there is even a hint he will come home. You can come back when he is safely gone (for good). Father can visit him in his alternative home. For that matter, so can you.

    What boggles the mind is that they'd put this child in any foster home with other kids. Jeez. Don't they get it? That's the problem...they don't...or they don't care. It's a sick situation, one I hope you can resolve soon and safely.

    Gentle hugs and understanding!
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    MWM... where r2r lives? There's next to nothing for resources. What few people they have will either be those with no experience, those who don't care, or those who are burned out from trying to make a difference. No, they probably don't get it... but even if they did, there aren't a lot of options.

    I do agree that she needs to have her "plan B" ready, so she can pull out before difficult child comes home, if there's any hint that will happen.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is no way to parent a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid. They won't be parented. He belongs in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but they are being wreckless and foolish.

    If they can't find a foster placement for him there, I don't get it...why don't they take him somewhere (to another city) where some childless couple is willing to foster him (bless their souls). We used to get foster kids from all over the state.

    If there is no other option, the only other safe option is for her to go with the kids somewhere else or kick out Mr. Ostrich with his damaged son. This child should not live with other children. Indeed, I'm afraid for the kids who live in the neighborhood w here he will be. My psycho kid managed to abuse kids not even living in our house...he did it in everywhere he could. At this poor overextended mom can save her own kids. The rest is up to Dad.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't know about her province, but here? RTCs basically do not exist. Not at all.
    Anything with a hint of "institution" doesn't exist.
    Even group homes are rare. And group homes are not the right setting for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids. They are used for severe physical disabilities, or downs syndrome adults, or even general mental illness adults who need help with medications and stability. In all cases, individuals who are safe to have in a group setting.

    As for foster parents... the system is totally overstretched. Few want the job, and those who are willing, are pressured to take far too many kids. Saw a story the other day about a foster family with 4 under the age of 4... and the system wants to add an infant to that... because they don't have anywhere to place these kids. And these are not "disturbed" kids... just kids in bad situations.
    Getting someone to safely foster a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid? It's a long shot.

    If her province has something like Residential Treatment Center (RTC), great.
    If they manage to find an appropriate foster placement, that's good.
    She needs her "plan b"...
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Just refuse to have him with your kids any longer. Your first priority has to be your kids, not where they place this boy. Sorry, I know he needs Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but she cannot solve that. She has to protect her kids so that they don't end up as damaged as this boy. IF nothing else, she needs to kick Daddy Dearest out and CAS can go after him to make him provide what the kid needs.

    Do whatever you need to in order to keep your kids safe. Period. They MUST be the priority, NOT difficult child's needs. Those should be his dad's and CAS' priority, not hers. ALL that she can control is not having him near her kids and making sure her kids get help. Period.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ah, sorry. Didn't see she was from Canada. Gawd. So sorry there are no options. I'd still leave with other kids.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts and hugs your way. I have not been there done that but I am positive that now is the time for you to
    make a firm sad choice that difficult child and his Dad can not share a home with you and the other children. I can only imagine how stressful it must be because everybody gets impacted no matter what choice you make...but really, I don't see any other choice you can make. I'm sorry. DDD
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So sorry. Seems you are back to the plan of leaving husband and difficult child. Stay strong, you can do other choice really is there?
  11. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    There is an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), i can't get information on it, someone on here gave me a link to limited information about it and it is apparently quite secretive as in social workers don't even know it's there, only doctors do. I don't know how i can leave. I am responsible to pay for this house and my parents co-signed my mortgage so they will be in trouble if i don't pay, and i can't afford two houses, husband can't be made to leave because his name is on the mortgage too so he has a legal right to be here. right now i am still using the safety plan of keeping difficult child's room alarmed and line of sight supervision. i tried demanding cas to take him and they said if I abandoned him i'd be arrested and the other kids will go to foster care...... basically the system is set up to trap those of us who get a kid like this into keeping them so the system doesn't have to deal with it. I am waiting to hear back from the head cas office as i threatened to take this to the media if they don't do something helpful asap.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    husband can be made to leave... not as in a divorce case, or even a "legal separation", but in order to protect "all the kids". I.e. to protect difficult child from doing things to the others that will get him in trouble (as well as be damaging to the others). husband needs to get an appartment. Your home will still be a shared home. husband can still come home, go in and out, you can share parenting, all sorts of things.

    But you will need to get a lawyer involved. CAS and social services are not going to help you with this.
    If you can get the doctors to see the extent of the problem and send difficult child to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), that would be an option.
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Have you checked with a family lawyer? Maybe there is some obscure way you can get husband/difficult child out? (i know, but how do others who divorce do it? Someone has to agree and maybe that means a judge orders selling the home because divorce is filed?) I think Mattsmom has the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) info?

    It is similar here. People are threatened all the time that they will lose their other kids when they refuse to keep a difficult child, or refuse to pick them up from a psychiatric hospital because they are dangerous etc.

    One way people start to build a case for it though is to start creating a record. I personally think it is criminal that we woudl have to do this because the legal system is not really built for helping a mental illness and of course going to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is best, but because protective issues for your little ones is an issue.....maybe you need to file charges against him on behalf of your little ones?

    Again, I'd check with a family law person. Then every time he injures a pet or hits you or whatever, you keep pressing charges. Some here have had to do that to get services.

    I'm really sorry the systems are set up that way. It is just so not right. We have a very few "therapeutic" foster care homes....a few that are specifically for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)...but that is a few in the entire COUNTRY! It is a situation that is so wrong. A while ago there was a family here who had an internationally adopted daughter who had perped on neighbors and one neighbor actually moved. They too had to struggle and their daughter is now out of the home (as of their last posts)...just so wrong that we dont throw efforts into finding what will work best for them when young, even if it means just figuring out what makes them tick and finding out where they need to live for the rest of their is truly pay now or pay later for these kiddos.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can you and your other kids move in with your parents? They seem to be helpful. Do they know how bad it is? Would they take in your other children until you can find a place for difficult child? They may agree, even though they'd still be paying on the house. Just trying anything here...