New to Borderline (BPD) Diagnosis

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ColleenP, Mar 20, 2018.

  1. ColleenP

    ColleenP New Member

    I've been on another site for quite some time, but it's for Mental Illness, such things as bipolar, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), major depressive disorder. It's been helpful, but definitely doesn't cover the things that I need help with, with a 17 year old daughter who is recently diagnosed with Borderline (BPD).

    I'm particularly interested in Borderline (BPD) parents and how they handle different situations with their Borderline (BPD) kids. I am struggling with lying, and whether or not to believe her. Better yet, does it matter if I believe her? I'm told by her therapist that I'm to validate the feelings behind the lie, without validating the lie. I'm not really sure how to do that.

    While she lies regularly, she's now told a story of smoking too much pot, and potentially being sexually assaulted. I did all the things that I should, ER, STD tests, drug tests, she refused rape kit, and police contact. The problem is that I don't believe her. And then I feel terrible because what if it's true...I'm so torn, so any advice is appreciated.
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My understanding of Borderline (BPD), which my daughter may have as well, (she's not been diagnosed), is that they struggle with emotional dysregulation disorder. It's been suggested to me as well to validate the feelings but not the behavior. My daughter can make negative/dramatic choices and behave in a negative/dramatic way as well, and she still has many emotions like fear, anger, sorrow, etc. so I've learned to say things like, "I'm sorry you're hurting, it must be terrible to feel ______" I've learned over many years that my presence for her struggles, my willingness to be there for her in a loving way but detached from her choices and consequences, is what works best for us. I've learned not to engage in the drama at all, I've set many boundaries around that.

    With your daughter being so young and you still in the parenting position, it would seem imperative to learn strategies to work with your daughter now, for both of your sakes. I think you're on a good, sound track with gathering information and seeking guidance. That will ultimately continue to lead you to the answers you seek.

    If you haven't already, I would recommend reading, Walking on Eggshells, taking your life back. It's about Borderline (BPD). Check out the website Out of the Fog. They have an enormous amount of information.

    outofthefog.website/

    You may also find information and support at NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. I attended their parent course and it was very helpful. You can access them online and they have chapters in many cities.

    I also entered my own therapy to learn how to do all of this and to ferret out any of my own issues which would make it more difficult for me to work out healthy strategies for my daughter and myself. It was a journey of self discovery as well as learning a very different way to parent and respond. And, ultimately to learn to be able to accept what is out of my control.

    It's a challenging path to be the mother of a daughter who exhibits Borderline (BPD) traits. However, you sound very committed to learning how to support your daughter and figure out how to now maneuver your way thru this new territory. Through it all, it is absolutely necessary for you to take good care of yourself, to nourish your own needs and keep yourself healthy. It is easy to put all of our energy into our precious kids, but YOU matter too. Take care of yourself. Get as much support as you can muster. Keep posting, it helps to share our story. You're not alone.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2018
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member