Newbie, barely functioning with worry over difficult child!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BethM71, Feb 19, 2009.

  1. BethM71

    BethM71 New Member

    I don't even know where to start. difficult child is 15, and my biological daughter. I left my verbally abusive husband in 1995, and they've only seen each other once since. He's just not capable of being a father, and doesn't try. difficult child was diagnosis with ADHD @age 7, depression @age 12, and ODD & not otherwise specified mood disorder @age 14. Now that I've read a brief description of NAD, I think she has that too. She seems to have traits of both types.

    Big temper tantrums & stand-offishness started @age 3, as well as having to basically start the potty-training process all over again. (flash forward) I wonder if a male relative of the in-home daycare she went to molested her. In Oct '07 (right after she turned 14) she had a major melt down, was hospitalized in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 8 days, and she divulged that she had been sexually hurt. She stated she doesn't remember when, by whom, or where it happened, just that it did.

    Anyway, around age 7, before her ADHD diagnosis, she started having big tantrums and saying she wished she would die. Therapy helped. Then when she was 11, she started becoming hyper-sexual and I discovered that her internet use was mostly in the form of cyber sex IMs. Internet was cancelled, and we tried counseling. She refused to cooperate. This was right before we moved across country, and things have just progressively gotten worse. Oh, and around this time she also started refusing to bathe, brush her hair, and brush her teeth. Today she still only showers 1-2 times a week if I'm lucky, and brushes her teeth less often. Her hair is always messy, and she always has snarls at the nape of her neck (tosses her hair in a ponytail bun thingy).

    The Oct '07 incident from above, was a week-long hell of lashing out verbally (swearing every-other word), and then finally physically. She was getting so out of control. The pinnacle was over the fact that I found that she had been using her new (had it for a couple weeks) cell phone to take explicit pics and was sending them to adult male online predators who somehow found her on her cell with IM'ing (or maybe she seeks them out?). I demanded that she give me her phone. She yelled, screamed (help me help me & stuff, oh great I thought, what are the neighbors thinking I'm doing to her), threatened to jump out her 2nd floor bedroom window to escape me with her phone, then beat me up to get out of her room. I got up & followed her downstairs where she attacked me again, and then fled for several hours (with the damned phone). I called the police, and they eventually got her as she tried to sneak back in the apt. They recommended that I file a domestic assault against her, so they arrested her and she spent the rest of the night in juvy. During the prelim hearing the next morning, the judge released her to me with the promise that she wouldn't attack me again and she would participate in counseling.

    Well that day she was ok, but that night she ran off again, and I again called the police. This time I had them take her to NetCare, a psychiatric intake/help place for referrals. They got her into an adolescent Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and she spent 8 days there. They diagnosis her with ODD, and said they thought she was Bi-Polar, but I would have to follow up with a psychiatrist for the diagnosis. The day she was released, I made the first-available appointment with a child psychiatric near me, but the appointment was 8 months away. I did get a not otherwise specified mood disorder, but again my difficult child didn't participate in the sessions.

    This past Oct, a year to date of the incident practically, she started getting out of control again & threatened "back off & leave me alone, you don't want a repeat of Oct". Well I discovered pornographic pictures of her on my computer (had recently gotten internet back on) that a 25 year old local man took of her. I recognized his SUV as one I saw her get into during her recent unruliness, that she told me was the dad of her friend in the neighborhood & they were going to Starbucks (& was back home in under 2 hours). I put 2+2 together, and immediately called my local detective who handles exploited children/internet predators. This was over 2 1/2 months ago, and they are "still working on it".

    difficult child refused to attend local h.s., so in Dec she started home online h.s. She's now refusing to do that, she's refusing to take her medications, and she's getting involved with adult men sexually. Go figure that she doesn't have vaginal intercourse with her age-appropriate boyfriend who visited (met online, came to visit for several weeks around Christmas, and "wanted to wait until his next visit before having vaginal sex"), but she'll hang out with a guy who's 21 or older in a heartbeat.

    She's way out of control, and I'm looking into seeing if I can get her into a long term Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She's a flight risk, so I don't think that a DTC is a viable option yet. I worry about her running away, I worry about her depression & not on any medications to regulate her major mood swings, I worry about STD's, pregnancy, and I worry that she will be abducted or killed by someone. We don't have internet again, and her new phone doesn't have a camera or IM capabilities. But still.

    I don't know where to start. I've got so much on my plate, that I can't even focus on my job. I'm sitting her typing away at work. I need to file an Unruly Minor charge against difficult child, and so Googled that. That's how I came across this website. I got choked up when I read the top of the page that says, "Conduct Disorders. A soft place to land for the battle wary parent". You don't know how much it means to me to have this website. I really needed this. Thank you!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. You sound really stressed and I understand why. I had a difficult teenager myself. I have a few questions because nothing sounds clear-cut to me.

    1/Did you ever follow up with therapy specific to sexual abuse? Kids don't normally lie about that and being sexually abused can and usually does ruin a child's life if it isn't addressed head-on. My daughter was assaulted at age 8 at a friend's house, but nobody saw it and she never said a word to me about it until she was fourteen and it all spilled out. I know that much of her troubles stemmed from the assault and all the feelings it elecited of worthlessness, helplessness and the depraved feeling that she deserved it and even asked for it. This is how kids think when that happened (and often adults as well). I would want her to see a counselor specific to sexual assault to help her with those issues. Maybe that's why she is so into porn and older men--she feels she is useless because she was violated. My daughter didn't do this, but is common when kids suffer abuse.

    2/Who has diagnosed her so far? Has she ever seen a NeruoPsych? If she hasn't, I would take her to see one.

    3/Is there a possibility that she is also abusing alcohol or illicit drugs? My daughter did (another big symptom of both mental illness and/or sexual assault). She could, say, have bipolar AND have been abused AND be using drugs to dull the pain. My daughter also cut herself and her behavior became very erratic and puzzling and we were too clueless to realize she was using drugs.

    If your daughter is dangerous to you, sick or not, you need to make sure everyone is safe and may have to consider a good Residential Treatment Center (RTC)/out-of-home placement, but you can try other things first. I definitely would get a neuropsychologist AND get her a surprise drug test. They sell them in drug stores, but they don't cover ALL drugs.

    Welcome to the board.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Just wanted to say hello and welcome...

  4. BethM71

    BethM71 New Member

    I answered in red font below:

  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    Beth, Your difficult child sounds lots like my difficult child, also 15, she has been in phospital and then Residential Treatment Center (RTC) since Feb. 3. She has bipolar, conduct disorder, and subatance abuse. I know how scary and overwhelming this is for you. Welcome, glad you found us here.
    First off, get support for you: this board, you can share and read every day, Al-ANon hleps with detahcment, self-care, boundaries, etc., Nami helps with understanidng mental illness. I highly reccomend CABF (online) for support with bipolar teens. Also, a therapist for YOU that you can vent, get support from,etc.

    In my experince, start the process to get SSI so you can get medicaid to finance Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It is a process . The nerupsych is a good idea but this is a long process and you sound in a crisis situaition.

    I would reccomend a child/adolecnt psychiatrist with experince in bipolar. With what you discribed, it sounds like phospital might be the next step and then to Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
    My difficult child is now in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It is mixed of course. But one of the scary thngs is like with your daughter, she was acting out sexually wiht older guys. This is hypersexuality of bipolar , so is th rages, the juming off balconies, she ran away doxzens of times t=dince June, stole thousands of dollsars from us, stole cars.
    I tried so hard to stabilize her at home and 85% releived she is in Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry then. I had this with my daughter and it wasn't fun to be afraid of my own daughter. I hope you can eventually find a placement for her. The people at these insurance companies need to live in our homes for a few weeks...grrrrrrr. (((Hugs)))
  7. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello and welcome. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I can relate to most of it. My daughter is very similar to yours. I have been through it all!!

    My suggestion would be to file a PINS petition with your local probation department. It is "Parents In Need Of Support". It is like being on probation. In my state that is one of the ways into a long term Residential Treatment Center (RTC). If she violates the rules enough they will look into placing her.

    I have learned over the years how to manipulate the hospitals to get my daughter an inpatient stay. Yes it is true most of the time the child needs to be suicidal or homicidal, however if you present your case in a way that you are scared for your safety as well as hers you could get her in. I have flat out lied at times to get my daughter in. She IS a danger to herself in that she makes very bad decisions and puts herself at great risk. Not necessarily suicidal but you are afraid she will end up dead due to her impulsive nature. She has been violent towards you and you are not safe at home with her. There are a number of things you could say. You have to be persistent and do not let them bully you. It's not easy, I know.

    Does she have an IEP? I started getting services for my daughter through the SD. Her first placement (Residential Treatment Center (RTC)) was through them. She started out in mainstream classes from there went into Special Education and then into Boces. She could not control herself so I fought like hell to get her placed into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). The SD was reluctant as they did not want to pay for it but I became a thorn in their side and finally they relented. But when a child goes into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) through the SD it is on a voluntary basis. My daughter went awol 13 times in 3 months. The SD cannot force a child to stay. My daughter got arrested during one of the awols, for shoplifting. That was the best thing that could have ever happened as it got me in front of a judge at which point I begged him to remand her as I was afraid for her life. He did, from there she was placed throught the Family Court which was not on a voluntary basis, she was court mandated to stay. It is not easy, believe me. It takes a lot of leg work on your part.

    I hope this helps. Hang in there and welcome to the CD family. You will love this place. The people here a wonderful. I have gotten so much strength from the Warrior Parents here. Finding this site was the best thing that I have ever done for myself. :)
  8. BethM71

    BethM71 New Member

    I looked into SSI for her a year or more ago, but my own income is too much for her to qualify (that's what they said on the phone, at the local SSI office). I currently earn a 35k salary, but pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. I don't own a home to mortgage to pay for the excess psychiatric costs.

  9. compassion

    compassion Member

    Beth, The inocme cutops for SSI are way below poverty HOWEVER I leanred something very invaluable from the pateint adgvocate at difficult children Residential Treatment Center (RTC), if she is in a hopital or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and not living with you she has no income so it counts on that. My suggestion is go ahead and call the 800 number to get an appointment, It took me a week to get an apointment. Perhaps by that time, she will be in phospital. Does your insurance cover inpateint? Ours does for 31 days a year and unlimited outpatient. Some insurances cover inpaitent , I would find out what yours covers.
    Where I live (Fl) there is SAMS substancea abuse and mental health services. She will eventually be funded through them. Find out what your county offers and get her on the list immeidately. This is a funding source for Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
    I cannot remeber if your daighter is involved with illegal subatances( mine was) or had criminal charges pending (mine did). Those last two criteria make a even greater case for high risk child in neede of serivces.
    We are here. Post dozens of times a day if you need to, some of us do that and we NEVER get flamed for eating up the boards! Also, get on CABF: a lot of experinced parents over there too.