Newbie - old problem

[RedJo]

Ok I'm new to the site. So not really sure what I'm doing.

I have a ten year old daughter that has pushed both me and her father to past the breaking point.

She was a really easy baby but then at 2 she changed over night. We thought at first it was the "terrible twos" and that she would grow out of it. However when the "terrible twos" went on to the "thunderous threes" and "fall-out fours" we started thinking that we must have been bad parents and done something drastically wrong. Then along came another daughter who was totally different. Loving, kind, able to share and easy to deal with. Daughter no 1 became worse with jealousy.

We took her to a psychaitrist who said she was bi-polar but I didn't agree because it didn't seem to fit her. So we struggled on alone. But when daughter no2 started to copy her behavior our home became a war zone. We went to another psychaitrist who had daughter no 1 pegged from the start. He recognized her as a prime candidate for ODD. While I was relieved that maybe I wasn't such a terrible parent after all, my relief was short-lived as mental illness still has a huge stigma attached to it. I felt ashamed that I had created an "un-perfect" child.

She started taking adderall and her behavior improved dramatically at school once the medications had kicked in. Before and after however it was still a war zone even for the simplest things. And don't even get me started on the disrespect...

So the psychatrist introduced intuniv to help combat before and after the adderall. However as yet we have not seen any improvement and I have reached rock bottom. I feel like crying all the time and hate the person she has turned me into. How can I love this child that I dislike so much at the same time?

So now I'm at rock bottom I figure the only way now must be up and I've decided my husband and I can no longer deal with this alone. That's where you come in...

I'll read anything that will help or take any online course you think will help - just please I need to know that we're going to make it through this.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. Since it's the weekend, I thought I'd answer and let you know you get more feedback during the week.

I can't really help as many of us here don't believe ODD is a stand alone diagnosis, and I'm one of them. It seems it is always or almost always triggered by something else. Has she ever seen a neuropsychologist? in my opinion they are the best diagnosticians and dont' miss a trick because of their intensive testing. ODD is sort of a symptom...it means "The kid is defiant!" but it doesn't explain why. I"m glad Adderrall works for your kiddo. Mine got mean and aggressive on stimulants...turns out he didn't have the diagnosis they gave him.

I'd explore further.

At any rate, welcome to the board, but so sorry you have to be here. This is a great group!

 

[DaisyFace]

Hello and Welcome!

I am another who feels that ODD is more of a description than a diagnosis...As in: I know my child is defiant--please tell me WHY????

Sounds like more thorough testing might be in order to help you get a better handle on what may be going on with this child. In the meantime, a lot of us here swear by Ross Greene's book "The Explosive Child". It helps you change your parenting approach to better get through these "difficult" kids.

Glad you have found us...

--DaisyFace

 

[RedJo]

Thanks for the advice on both the book and further testing. I've never used these kind of forums before but it is so nice to know that there are other people out there that are going through the same things we are.

All advice on turning negative behavior around is welcome!

 

[gcvmom]

Ditto on the perception here of ODD.

While it's possible she doesn't have bipolar, it's also possible she has another type of mood disorder along with the ADHD. We've just recently figured this out with my difficult child 1. He responds well to the stimulant medications, but once they wear off, he is a PITA and now that he's a teen it's only gotten worse. Violent, confrontational, destructivie, belligerent, you get the picture. We recently added a mood stabilizing medication (it's also rx'd for epilepsy) and it is definitely helping. He's less irritable, more cooperative, in a better mood, not destructive. It's helped his impulse control to degree as well, and he says he feels more motivated. He is also in an SSRI to help with anxiety -- and as far as I know, he'll likely stay on that medication, too.

Keep pushing for answers, keep asking questions. You know your child best and are truly the only advocate she can depend on to get her the help she needs.

 

[KTMom91]

Just wanted to add my welcome...

 

[Wiped Out]

Hi RedJo and Welcome,
You really have found a soft place to land-you will find much support here. I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. Ditto for me on the ODD not standing alone. Through all of this be sure to take care of you which I know is easier said than done. Visit here often and also fine some "me" time for you and "couple" time.

For me coming here is crucial and my "me" time involves exercising and reading-it's different for everyone. Please don't feel guilty that you have created an "un-perfect" child. It isn't something you've done or didn't do. Sending gentle hugs your way.