Newbie-seeking advice and help

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by RBMom, Jul 12, 2014.

  1. RBMom

    RBMom New Member

    There are food banks in my town, but no shelters. That's one of the things that's really bothering me- wondering where he will sleep.
  2. RBMom

    RBMom New Member

    Had a chat with my difficult child today reminding him that he needs to leave on Saturday. I asked him if he knows yet what he's going to do. He flippantly told me no. I brought up the suggestion of going into the sober house again and he refused that. I suggested going to another program- Teen Challenge- and said he doesn't know anything about it. When I told him about it he said he's not going anyplace where he's going to be told what to do. Told me he'll go on a rampage on Saturday and be put in jail. He doesn't care. I've had a bit of peace the past couple of days with the fact that I've finally decided to make him leave but after difficult child today I'm worried again. How has anyone else dealt with this?
  3. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I haven't dealt with that, although my difficult child was once arrested in a major city for carrying an axe and scaring tourists...he was then admitted to a psychiatric hospital for 6 weeks until the lawyer provided to inpatients for free got him out. I was never afraid of him, but perhaps I should have been.

    So..that is kind of a scary threat. You know him best, but I would think you should take precautions in case he means it. Can you notify the local police that he is threatening a rampage? If I were you I would have my locks changed immediately, or however you can do it without antagonizing him but also making sure he has no access to the house. Have what you want to give him ready and at the door. Don't be alone in your house with him on sure you have back up. Keep your cell phone charged and on, and keep your car keys with you. Alert your trusted friends or family about the possibility that he will flip out on Saturday and you may need help,and they should avoid him.

    Does that feel like too much? I can't tell for sure, but best to have preparations that are never needed than to need preparations not made...

    I've changed a lot of locks in my time.

    Hugs to you. Keep posting, we'll try to help.


    and ps he is being a jerk. Its time for him to move on.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would listen to Echo and change the locks and be careful. I don't know if the cops can do anything if you warn them of his threats in advance. You may consider a restraining order. If he is truly threatening you, there are phone devices where you can record calls, if he is communicating to you that way. He should not be allowed to hurt you just becauswe he's mad and he doesn't care if he goes to jail. That's my best advice because my difficult child is terrified of the thought of jail so he may want to hurt somebody/something, but the jail idea overrides his anger.

    You may want to stay with somebody else on Saturday night.
  5. RBMom

    RBMom New Member

    Thanks, Echo, for your suggestions regarding Saturday. My husband will be there so we'll be dealing with my son's departure together.
  6. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    and...this is why he has been content to stay with you. Because you haven't been able to tell him what to do (not a criticism or your thought, just the history of your dynamics with difficult child)
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Rb, a few thoughts.

    First, I wouldn't try to engage him any more with any questions about his plans. I think that is just stirring the pot at this point. It's likely that he has no plans because he doesn't think you will go through with your boundary so asking him just gets him agitated.

    It is common for people to react strongly to a new boundary. Cloud and Townsend, in their book, Boundaries, recommend that we be prepared for this. It's something new, it's changing the status quo, and people don't like change. So they are likely to push back hard, and often, our difficult children ramp up the pressure and the threats. Often, they don't carry through with them, but you should be prepared in any event.

    Once I found out difficult child was stealing from me (he was living here and had just gotten kicked out), I went to Home Depot and added slide locks to the doors and changed the code on the garage door boxes. He was furious. It nearly killed me to do it, but the day I found him at the back door trying to get in, I knew I had done the right thing. He hasn't been able to steal from me since.

    If your difficult child mentions his plans again, I would tell him that you will immediately call the police and get a restraining order. I know he said he's ready to go to jail, but that is likely talk. And don't react to the "jail" thing. He likely knows that will upset you a lot, but I would try not to show it. If he wants to put himself in jail, he can certainly do that, and RB, that might be the wake-up call he needs.

    I would not stir him up, just speak calmly and quietly whenever you do speak to him.

    Ramping up is very common. And if our difficult children see that it's getting to you, they will keep on poking you in that same spot.

    It's too bad it has come to this and I know your heart is hurting. Often, things have to get worse before they get better.

    Keep sharing, and we can certainly be a sounding board for you. Take precautions for your own safety. Warm hugs. Keep moving forward.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Listen to the others RB, it's best to protect yourself. Be prepared for him to up the ante because that's what they do when boundaries are enforced. If this is the first time you're really enforcing a boundary in this fashion, as the others have said, be prepared for him to utilize any methods in his arsenal to keep you from kicking him out, threats, crying, rage, physical attacks, emotional blackmail, they are sometimes capable of some of the worst kinds of behaviors I have ever heard when they feel they are losing their safety net and their free ride.

    Make sure you and your husband are ready for any assault he may conjure up. Be prepared to call the Sheriff if things escalate. Be prepared for the worst. If it doesn't happen, that's okay, but you won't be surprised by it.

    Hang in there. Keep yourself well supported. Keep posting. Stay the course.............we're here if you need us.
  9. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    if you have guns in the house be sure they are accounted for and locked up.
    I'm sorry to have to say that but it seems prudent.
    Sometimes we ready ourselves for harm done except the price of a locksmith.
  10. RBMom

    RBMom New Member

    You are all so wonderful for taking the time to respond and giving me some good advice. I think at this point my difficult child is all talk but there's still the possibility that something unpleasant could happen. This is my first time really following through on setting boundaries like this. In the past I've ended up giving in and taking care of all of his problems for him. Wish I had been stronger right from the start.
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Most, if not all of us have done that RB, no worries..........the good news is we can change.........and we do .............and you are..........
    We'll all be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers this Saturday. Please let us know how it goes..............
  12. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Strength to you, RBMom. Just wanted you to know I was reading along.
  13. RBMom

    RBMom New Member

    This is all so new to me...I have a few more questions regarding kicking my difficult child out on Saturday. If he comes back after a short while and asks to get some of his things or use bathroom if he's passing through the neighborhood- things like that- should I let him do it? Also, I usually give difficult child a ride to his community service and to his court appointed drug testing. Should I agree to continue doing that? I'd appreciate suggestions on delaing with instance like these.
  14. RBMom

    RBMom New Member

    Got my difficult child out yesterday- took almost all day. My husband and I started in the morning telling difficult child to get his things together. He asked for a large backpack so we got him one. He filled it with as much as he could fit in it, had something to eat, showered, shaved, and left very reluctantly and angrily. I had written him a letter the day before, reminding him that it didn't have to be this way if he would choose instead to get the right kind of help. I also gave him some papers with info he might use to help him survive on the streets and some support contact phone numbers. About 11:00 last night difficult child called and asked if he could come to the house to get something. I know I should have said no but I didn't. I let him in and he was taking some time in his room. I walked in to hurry him along and noticed the backpack was there and everything was out of it. He changed into shorts and left the house without a word. Took nothing with him except his phone and 2 bottles of water in his pockets. I am absolutely going out of my mind now-thinking the worst. Why did he take nothing with him? Can't deal with this...
  15. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    It is hard to read the minds of difficult children. Maybe he found a shelter that wouldn't let him bring a bag. Maybe he had pot or alcohol in it and they wanted to search it. Maybe he realized a heavy bag is a pain to carry. We can't know. We don't know. Try to put your mind elsewhere...put it on you. He is out of the house now. You can't change anything. Practice putting him out of your mind for now.

    Keep posting and let us know how things evolve.

    Hugs on this sad hard day...

  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi RB,

    It is hard to know what they are thinking and we usually think the worst. It could be it is just easier to travel light, or that he has a place to stay and he wants to make you worry.

    As far as your other questions.... others may differ on this.... but I am not of the school of thought that you do nothing for them until they get it together, that they need to do it all on their own. I think at age of 18 they are often so clueless and they need guidance from mom.... I know I give my easy child guidance on all sorts of things and she has it together. I dont expect her to just be able to do everything without support.

    So my stance with my difficult child is that I will help him do things that help himself or help him do the next right thing. So in your case I probably would give him a ride to drug tests or to court, at least initially. I also have bought and might still buy my difficult child clothes or things he needs to get by, and that will include food. Just be aware that they can sell stuff to get money and so you always take that chance with stuff. Also they can trade things like food cards... they learn all kinds of ways to get money....... but for me it was about trying to help him do the right thing, and partly that is because it makes my mommy heart feel better to do that.

    Some may call that enabling.... to me it is sometimes a fine line between helping and enabling.

    So I try and do what I feel good about doing and am ok with doing, and not do the things that dont feel ok. Listen to your heart and your gut.

    Avoid giving him actual cash for anything.


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  17. RBMom

    RBMom New Member

    Couldn't help myself. I called the hospital just to check and they told me my difficult child was there. He had admitted himself around 1:00 in the morning. He's waiting for a bed at a rehab. They told me he said he'd call me when a bed is available. Feeling thankful and relieved.
  18. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yay....I am sure you are relieved. Sleep well tonight!

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  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    RB, he is right where he needs to be, tonight. I hope and pray he stays and the next steps are the right ones for him and for you.

    YOU, tonight, YOU take care of yourself. Let the professionals take care of him. You need rest, nurturing, some kindnesses and a break.

    Claim it all, RB. We are here for you. Please keep sharing. We care.
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  20. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    RB, now is the time for you to rest. Believe it or not having him in the hospital means you get a break. My SO, who was solely responsible for his severly mentally ill mother from age 13 on, told me that when my son had his first psychiatric hospitalization. I was devastated that my poor boy had to be admitted to a psychiatric ward, and I couldn't hear what he was saying..but now, about 10 hospitalizations and two short jail stints later...he is totally right. He is in the hands of professionals now, in a safe place. Rest yourself. Rest your mind. Take care of yourself. You are on break now.

    Hugs to you in these difficult days,