Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Mar 15, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I woke up this morning from a huge nightmare. I dreamed my son really did not die, he was just staying at another house because our home did not work out for him, in reality he would be going on 37 but in my dream he was 11. The woman he was with said he could not see me yeterday because he got a new xbox and stayed home with it. I felt overwhelming guilt over not being able to make things work at home with him and I hugged him and cried and cried. I woke up sobbing. He died 23 years ago this month and he was a good kid, loved living here, was kind and respectful.

    I think his death, and death month, my daughters grief all got mixed into my dream and caused a major nightmare. I think I am grieving because I have put in so much work and energy into getting my daughter on the right path and she still chooses the wrong path. In my dream I kept thinking 'why does my son not want to be family with us?

    I had to do a lot of letting go, still trying to hang on to my son after he died..It was hard to accept and double hard since he was a great kid with goals, compassion, kindness and loved us so deeply and dearly.

    Daily I read the detaching post.. I read it, soak it in, study it, store it into my heart, think of ways I can use it immediately and go from there.

    My daughter came over yesterday. She looked horrible, manic and unbathed. I was trying hard to be compassionate. I pulled two chairs into the sun and asked her to come have some sun healing with me. She was distant and talked nonstop politics and other worldly stuff. I sat and prayed for her while she made noise that made no sense. She said that she wants to go to Church as a family for Easter and Holy Thursday. I looked at her hard in the sun, she looks like a completely different person, even her ears are different, her weight is distributed odd and she has a shape I do not recognize. Years ago she had a problem with being way too thin and now she can stand to lose about 15 lbs, I have never seen her ever get that heavy, I tell her she is beautiful because I would rather see her with weight than too thin.
    I try hard to make my words up lifting and kind. She does push me often where my words are harsh and awful, I do not want to be a person that talks that way to another person ever but she has pushed me there and beyond.

    I think my sons grieve and the grief my daughter puts me though on a regular basis is over whelming for my system and that is one of the reasons healthy detachment is in order and one of the reasons I had such a nightmare. I think working on detachment is hard and since I am the mother to a dead child it is double hard. Even though I understand that it is very hard, I still understand and instinctivly know it is good, right and the only way I will get peace. I did not cause her to be like she is, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it.

  2. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I am so very sorry for your continuing sense of loss on all fronts.

    I realize it’s been many years but have you and your daughter tried grief counseling since she’s been an adult? It seems like the nature of grief can evolve.

    Given how loving and healthy he was, I can imagine there would be unresolved trauma in losing him, but also that it might be hard for your daughter to live in the shadow of his ghost. No matter how much we try to shield our fragile children from comparisons, I think they know.
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  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I can't begin to comprehend the loss of a child, but I am so sorry for the pain of it, newstart.

    I can certainly see how the loss of your son would make detachment harder when it comes to your daughter's less than optimal choices.

    For what it's worth, I think you did a fantastic job of showing your daughter love and acceptance yesterday. Sitting in the sun with Mom telling me I'm beautiful? Life doesn't get any better than that!

    Anniversaries can trigger such a range of emotions. I still carry such a sense of loss around the anniversary of my mother's death many, many years ago. I used to carry so much more unresolved grief ALL the time, not just at anniversaries. Counseling did help me work through that somewhat, but it's still hard sometimes.

    I agree. A loss like that has to land somewhere, in our own hearts and in our relationships. Do you think she would consider going with you?
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  4. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Sam3. We have gone to counseling up until my daughter was 30 and she always says that she thought she was the favorite child. Some family members have mentioned that she maybe lost in her brothers ghost but if you ask her she will say 'I was always my mom's favorite child'. My daughter knows that her brother was special in his own self and she was special in her ownself. My daughter did not become real awful until she was about 19. My daughter is going to be 36 and I do not want to go to counseling with her anymore, I have spent thousands of dollars, time, gas my life trying to help her and I will not do it anymore, if she needs help she knows she can go on line for support or to a counselor. I do know that my daughter was a bit jealous of her brother because he could make friends very easy and he was funny. My daughter told her therapist that when her brother died, her mother and dad died with him. We went to therapy 3 times a week, group and sibling therapy for families, private therapy and my daughter even lead groups for siblings that have lost a brother or sister, she also had a therapist at school that would meet with her once a week, that year in her jr.high they had several deaths so they had group therapy too. We have had a butt load of support and therapy.. She knows how to plug into that type of help.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You have my prayers. Try to hang in there. When my oldest son is demanding more than I can ever give, I try to think about something else and say ,"I see." "Yep." "I get it."

    I want to stay close to him too. We have always had a strong connection. But he can ask for stuff I don't have the ability to do....not money, answers that I have no answers to. If I feel stressed I say I have to get off, someone's at the door etc.

    I hope you have apparently day today one day at a time.
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  6. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Albatross, Anniversaries come up all the time and we just have to learn how to deal with them. I am so sorry about your mom's death. In counseling, when I bring my daughter she clams up and does not say anything. Years ago and each time we went the therapist would side with me and tell her she was way out of line.. I wanted a therapist that she felt was on her side but when she laid out her BS there was not one person that would side with her. I tried hard to find a therapist to where she felt comfortable but they all said she was on the wrong path etc etc. I guess my daughter was looking for someone that would agree with her but she could not and that caused her frustration. She loves me deeply, she hates me deeply. She is a walking nightmare many times.
  7. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi SWOT, I also say I have to go when my daughter stresses me too much which is often. I should use your phrase 'I get it' and maybe that will be satisfying to her. Thank you for the prayers, I sure need them.
  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Just wanted to add that I have not see Littleboylost on here and I am concerned about her. I hope everything is ok and that her son is settled into rehab. LBL If you are reading this, know my deepest prayers are with you and your family.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Ugh hate dreams like that! Waking up to know they are not real can sometimes be good but sometimes bad too.

    Could your daughter's change of appearance just be the normal aging process? Obviously as we age we need to work harder to look better - diet, exercise, make up, and just take BETTER care of ourselves...which we should really do always but moms usually don't. If not, what do you think the reason is?

    I'm sorry you have to deal with all of these things daily and I just have to say that you should continue to seek peace for yourself in whatever way you can. Some of us get dealt a more severe hand than others for some reason.
  10. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    RN0441, I gave your post much thought. Some of my daughters looks are normal aging, but most are from living a dirty lifestyle and being in love with a half ass boyfriend that keeps her on the edge and stuck. At my daughters house, she has a bunch of healthy foods, she makes green smoothies in the mornings, she watches what she eats and drinks lots of water. I know that stress can make a person age double time and stress causes weird hormones that do odd things in our body. I even noticed that her body language is different. Weird thing is that she is turning into my husbands sister as far as looks, body language and attitude. Sometimes when I am with my daughter I feel as if I am in the presence of my sister in law. Not a good situation.
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I forgot if she took drugs now or at any time. Or if she drinks too much. THAT will age you.

    I have 34 year old with a kid and kind of trying boyfriend of about14 years and he is also baby daddy of granddaughter. She loves him very much and I get along with him for her and grandbaby. She still looks young and pretty. I think 34 is young to start looking old for most reasons but drugs will age somebody very fast. As will illness. Has.she seen a doctor? Does she smoke? Cigarettes are murder on the skin and cause wrinkles.

    I know you really dont like boyfriend but he is not responsible for everything. He cant be stressing her out like he stresses you out...she could easily leave him with your blessing. It would be a monetary gain for her to leave him regarding your house that she lives in. But she loves him, whether you like it or not. Your daughter can take good care of herself. Your daughter can eat well, exercise and go for low cost therapy. She also just may have had a bad day too. We all have days when we look like we never brushed our hair!!! Plus you are sad right now, for good reason. Maybe you are seeing her with dark glasses right now.

    Just thoughts.
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    Last edited: Mar 15, 2018
  12. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    My 35 year old almost 36 year old does not do drugs or smoke or even drinks she told me that drugs and alcohol let in demons. I do know about the drug culture, I know when someone is taking drugs or drinking too much. I believe she is mentally ill and I know for sure that her boyfriend stresses her completely out. I am not so sure that she loves him so much, I think she just does not want to be alone. Not many people can be around her very long. I had her listen to a tape on emotional vampires and he said she was working hard at not being one. Money is energy and when they keep taking it they are a financial vampire. I know my daughter has a heavy load, she is about to lose a house that she is very comfortable in. Her spa is not steady income, it has bad and good weeks. I just hope she can make ends meet. I am so tired.
  13. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am sorry you are having a difficult time right now. I understand that your daughter is stressed but she is younger than you and her body will handle it better. You need to take some time and go somewhere away from the stress of your daughter. Just go to a hotel somewhere and turn your phone off. It doesnt have to be fancy just quiet maybe by a lake or a shopping area with specialty shops. You can just sit around or sleep or do something fun. After one confrontation with my son i went to a hotel about 3 hours away and just relaxed i came back 3 days later more able to handle things.
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  14. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Tired mama, Your idea is the best.. I saw myself doing what you discribed. I really need a break from the never ended drama. I keep invisioning myself on a ship alone, sitting on a balcony, just me, the waves, God and the peaceful ocean. But I love your idea too.
    I wake up, work, take care of things around here and then the day is gone. It goes by at record speed. I do need a long break from the constant chaos and drama and when things are getting better she reaches into the cess pool and makes more drama. Thank you for that nice visual.
  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I will post I am ok. Busy week and tired.
  16. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Well. I can do a remote site on Lake Michigan or Superior instead of the ocean. My last "big" vacation was 10 days in horse country, which I'm still paying off.

    Oddly, a really nice break for me is a one or two day stay in a nice hotel. Just laying around, ordering in food, and not being at home.

    For some reason, I've always loved staying in hotels. If I had the money, Thomas, Squeaky and I would would live in a hotel suite instead of in an apartment.

    One with woods on one side and the LAKE on the other, perhaps in Door County, WI, or in the Upper Peninsula of MI on Lake Superior. (Door County is a peninsula sticking out into Lake Michigan). Woods and water. That's what I'm about.
  17. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Booking . com keeps sending me hotel deals check them out lol.
  18. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I can't afford it. I've checked. You're looking at a minimum of 145 a night on a monthly deal and much higher during tourist season.