No matter how hard we try

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nancy, Dec 23, 2008.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No matter how hard we try, no matter what progress she makes, she still reverts back to behaviors so entrenched in her genetic makeup that she just can't overcome them, at least not at this point in her life.

    This year has been difficult, she has just about ruined her senior year with her nonsense both for herself and her family. Most of her friends are ignoring her and moving on, looking forward to college, etc. She has been intimate with several different guys, none of which are good influences on her and yes we have her on birth control. She can't hold a job because she refuses to dress appropriately (wearing jeans with massive tears in them) and doesn't think she should have to work hard.

    Last Thursday she made a new friend from her science class. I was suspect from the beginning when she said she was so excited she had a new bff. Friday she drove the girl home to her apartment and they got drunk. A lot of cell phones calls and lying went on in
    between. My husband and I finally got the address and drove there, I drove her car home and husband drove her home. The mother was out with her boyfriend while her daughter and mine were drinking her alcohol.

    husband told her the next day that she had a drinking problem and while it was not entirely her fault because she was born with those genes, she was going to have to realize that as an adult she could not drink because she cannot control it. She of course thinks we are crazy. I told her college was out of the question and she had to find a fulltime job so that in June she could move out on her own.

    I'm done with her ruining her life and ours at the same time. I love her with all my heart and I will be sick with worry about her I suspect for the rest of my life, but I just can't allow the drama to continue.

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) What a diffeicult time for sounds like she is going to have to be shown the hard way that you won't allow this to continue after she turns 18 and the school year is over (or whatever "cut-off" date you have decided upon). Have you posted in PE yet? They might be able to give you some ideas about how to prepare yourself and help you thru this transitional period.

    I'm sorry you are faced with this thru the holidays- you sound very depressed so I hope you post often and find a way to spend a little time doing something for yourself.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hugs Nancy.
    There has been little more that you and husband could have done. Nothing but nothing seems to rein her in.
    Maybe living on 8.00/hr in a rat trap will make her realize what she let fall my the wayside.

    Keep thinking prodigal son. It's the only way to survive the hard steps you are going to face in the next 8 to 10months. Making a clean break isn't that easy. Mothers always seem to find a way to help. I figure as long as it's on my terms then I can live with it.

    Use her graduation gift money as the down payment for her first apt. after she gets a job.

    I know how sad and angry you must be. Despite your best efforts nothing seems to have prevented her downfall and your personal pain.
  4. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    This is a difficult thing to go through. My mother has said that the hardest part about being a parent is knowing when NOT to parent. I think you have reached that point. Some call it tough love. It is reality. I'm sure she will figure it out. Raise a child in the way they should go and they will not wander far from it. It may seem like it but eventually they come around or live with the consequences. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
  5. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    You and I should get together and compare horror stories. We are so similar. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I absolutely can relate 100% to the hell you are living in. Janet said it best, no one can hurt us like our kids can.

    You are right in detaching. As you know I am trying to do the same. And believe it or not it does get easier. I think after so many years of being a "warrior mom" we get tired and detachment becomes a natural progression. Then it comes time for them to turn 18 at which point it is time for us to wash our hands and wait for them to be ready to deal with their issues. That is the hardest part - the waiting!!! All we can do is provide them with the tools, we cannot do it for them. Oh, how I wish we could.

    Please feel free to pm me as we are going through such a similar struggle. We can get through it together.

    In spite of what is going on with your difficult child please try to have a wonderful holiday. You deserve it!!!

    God bless,

    Shawna :)
  6. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    I'm sorry you feel like you're between a rock and a hard place. ((HUGS)) all we ever want is a happy life for our children and we're devastated when they seem intent on ruining it. Doesn't help that most teens think they know everything.

    Hang in there!
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm dealing with similar things. It's not fun at all. Many hugs.
  8. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    That is exactly the reason we have a 16 year purchase law and a 18 year driving limit. It could have gone really really bad, because she has no knowledge about the dangers of alcohol and it affects her own body before she drove for the first time. There is only one thing to do. Buy a lock for the steering wheels for all cars and then there is no driving until she is finished experimenting with alcohol or she is 21. I dont care even if it is her own car.

    If she needs to go somewhere a bicycle is invented. If it is too dangerous then you have to drive her. Forget any alcohol treatment and give her a implant if you dont trust the pills. Maybe if you think that she could go without education, then you could ship her some states away to relatives if possible.

    I hope that you solve this and wish there were a miracle cure. SCRAM bracelets are not sold in private and chastity belts are difficult to import from German. Just dont let her drive anymore. Both for her sake, for your sake and for all the other people on the street.

    Hang in there. Buy the locks today - not tormorrow.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. You are one incredible warrior mom and I wish your daughter could start making better choices. Wish we had magic wands to wave to help them make better choices. Hugs.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sorry Nancy. I know you had a few good years with her and she will always have those memories. Unfortunately they will be clouded for her now with bad memories. Of course they will not seem bad until she is 30 and looking at her own child and wondering what that child will do in high school. (Figners crossed it is 30, right? I have a 17 year old, too! :D)

    Be good to yourself. You deserve it!

  11. Penta

    Penta New Member

    I am sorry your daughter refuses to find her "beautiful self". Maybe being on her own at 18 will cause her to wake up and grow up to independence. If she wants college, it is out there for her as an independent student. My girl has her tuition all paid at community college and is now applying to 4 year colleges and searching for scholarships. I have contributed nothing financially for her since she was 18. It can be done. Don't regret all the love and hard work you have put into your daughter. You never know when she will turn herself around, but it seems like it will be up to her to do this when she "wakes up".
  12. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member


    do you think it is possible your daughter could have fetal alcohol syndrome? I only ask because I am dealing with it with one of my sons and it seems like there are some markers in what you relate. I can see us getting to the place where you are at.

    What disturbs me so much about Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) is that I am not sure what kind of progress is reasonable to expect with these kids. From what I have read, they don't seem to learn from their mistakes very easily.

    No advice, just hugs and a hope that if/when she moves out, you get some peace of sorts.
  13. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    I'm so sorry to hear that difficult child just still doesn't get it. The choices she is making now can and will affect the rest of her life. As you know, my difficult child will pay the price for the rest of his life for his bad choices. Like you and your husband, we too tried and did everything possible to intervene and change the path. Unfortunately, they just don't understand at that age, and sometimes it takes a while to click - but hopefully it will eventually.

    Hugs to you. I know how hard this is on the entire family. During the holidays, this turmoil seems all the more difficult to accept.

    Hang in there and try not to let her spoil your holiday for you. I know, easier said than done.

    Hugs and Merry Chriistmas to you and your family,
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Nancy...we have similar thoughts. (by the way...we are not having the greatest holiday with- reference to difficult child as well...I've posted about it)

    I have been amazed that significant internvention has not changed our difficult child much, if at all.

    She is still impulsive...still prone to making poor choices. She does have a good heart though and she has brief moments of clarity. Brief.

    She also has great difficulty holding down a job. She can show up for work wearing the wrong clothes or having not washed her hair for many days to the point that it is obvious. She will also call in sick because of the strangest reasons. Then she is surprised when she is the first one to get let go. She started to go to went horribly.

    Ironically, difficult child has a high IQ...but it doesn't matter. Usually...there is little or no reasoning with her.

    We only know threads of information about her birthparents, but the little we know does sound similar.

    Some say the little progress difficult child has made has been due to my hyperviglance (in the past) and lots of money to help when needed. But husband and I are tired to the bone. She is over 18...we can't keep it up. It is impossible. And the loss has been tremendous. I know you understand.

    My good friend's daughter was depressed in high school and they thought it would help to track down the birth mother. They got the shock of their life when they discovered she had the exact same difficult issues as their daughter. However, their daughter had been raised with the best of care including a dad with a Ph.D, a lovely private school, tutors, a doting grandmother (who was a nurse), regular church attendance, etc. All was different...yet in the much the same... Today, their daughter is a young adult, in a bad way. "Nurture" changed nothing. It bothers me big time.

    No, you can't let her poor choices ruin your life. Life was meant to be enjoyed. You can provide support and some guidance, but that's about it. Don't miss out on the good things in life. It is ashame and it really bothers me to my core. I find it confusing and conflicting...sometimes I'm very unsure what my difficult child can process and what she can't. However, I do know that it doesn't do ANY good to ANYONE if she takes me down with her. So...we are stuck in this weird place...providing assistance here and there and hoping for the best.I sometimes question this stuff is painful.

    In the mean time, husband and I do our very best to enjoy life as fully as possible. Please enjoy your holiday (s)!

    Hang in there...
    Lasted edited by : Dec 25, 2008
  15. compassion

    compassion Member

    Today was back to similar patterns for difficult child-can be frustrating. She refused to do healthy stuff and insisted on going to her friends for the night . I tried my best to have her hang out here and do other stuff and meet upat a movie later but she insted on doing it HER way-got into the blackmail/threat route: if i do not go to E I will run to John's . The last days have been really good though -day 37 try to look at the positive.
    I have been resting and my pain is gone:even got a nap, been relaxing so that is positive. It has basically been a very quiet and peaceful day.