Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SearchingForRainbows, Jun 19, 2013.
Sending many hugs your way SFR.
Please don't feel guilty that you're dreading the loss of your empty nest. It's perfectly reasonable to relish the peace and tranquility that comes when your house is a difficult child-free zone AND to dread the return of one or more difficult children to your sanctuary.
I felt much the same way last summer when my difficult child had to move in for a few months while his living and working situation were sorted out. I was on pins and needles anticipating all of the things that could (would) go wrong, and feeling terribly depressed about it to boot.
I'm very glad to hear that you have a detachment plan in place ahead of time. It's so very hard to do, but setting your mind to it before you're in the middle of the conflict makes it easier to follow through in the crunch.
What we tell ourselves is: if this works, it will all be worth it. And if this works for your daughter, you will be glad you did it.
It will help to have a move out date you both agree on. Clarify with her, now, that you anticipate her being up and on her feet again, in her own apartment and pretty much financially independent, by Sept 1. You and husband could even plan a trip for that first week in September. Something like that would be a good and positive reminder to difficult child that this move home is only temporary.
I think that known end-date will help with the anxiety you feel, too.
We parents are put into such horrible positions by our difficult child children. No one who hasn't been through it could possibly understand what this feels like. As Recovering so often tells us, concentrate on your own and husband's health and happiness. Maybe plan a weekend away every so often, just the two of you.
Hugs to you
I totally understand your feelings of dread at having your difficult child move back in.
This has happened to me before, when I thought we were out of the woods and that there was light at the end of the tunnel. My difficult child would resurface-after another stint at rehab, detox, jail or a geographical "cure" that wasn't. My feelings of doom would engulf me.
Try not to feel guilty-difficult children are incredibly hard to live with. Your nerves are always on edge and you can't really relax and feel at peace in your surroundings.
Hopefully your difficult child will see this as a new start and abide by the rules you put in place. It will help that she has a source of income and the daily focus of a job, as well as some plans for the future.
But I know that feeling of anticipation, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Looking for signs that they're going to do what they always did...
Try and focus on you and your husband as much as possible. Sometimes when you're in the midst of the difficult child drama, you can forget the other important relationships in your life, as the difficult children suck up all the energy in the house. But at least you have each other to lean on!
Best wishes to you.
SFR, geez, I know how you feel and I'm sorry. Perhaps sitting down at the very beginning of her stay and stating your boundaries right up front so everyone knows exactly how you feel and what you expect. For instance, being informed that she will not be home one night, so you don't worry. And, helping around the house, chores you expect her to assist with. The quiet you have become used to that she now has to abide by. Since she is clear she thinks she will move out in the fall, you might say, if things don't pan out by then, then you will insist at that time she enter therapy and take whatever medications necessary in order to continue living with you.
I would sit down with husband and write a list of what your expectations are and then make it clear to her. I would have an end date, like Sept. 15th, that's about 3 months,or whenever school begins. At the end of that time period, you will have to re-negotiate the terms. This is your home and you have all the power, she doesn't. She is now a guest in your home and needs to act accordingly. If you allow that guilt to run you, you will give your power away to her and you will be miserable. If it were me, I would look at it like a sort of opportunity for me to let go of my guilt and stay in my power and make sure I got my needs met. Make it about YOU, not her. Sometimes we have to go over old ground so we learn what we may not have learned before. This may simply be another step in your own detachment, so you can let go of the guilt and come September you may find yourself in a totally different space, happier, freer, without that guilt and able to REALLY enjoy your empty nest at that point. Sending you big hugs................this too shall pass!
Great Job! It sure sounds as if things are moving in the direction necessary for everyone's well being. You did a really good job and there is an END to it. And, you and husband are going away too. Life is, once again, GOOD.............hugs.............
This is wonderful news! How sweet life is when the kids are moving in the right direction.
I am so happy for all of you. :O)
I surely do relate, and feel for you. What you have described could happen to me any day depending on the whims of fortune that come my difficult child's way. I waver back and forth between enjoying the peace and quiet and wishing she could do more with her life- which, of course, would require her moving back in and a return to the days of the constant nightmare. Hugs...
Fingers crossed. Sounds good. DDD
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