I do not know the answer to your question. I didn't accept the violence nor the verbal abuse. I never let it slide. There were always consequences but they never sunk in with either of my difficult child's.
My husband was a bit on the cowardly side. He never intervened unless I made an issue and then he would not handle it appropriately. I believe that he made things worse for me.
We went to counciling but husband never bought into it. So that was a total waste of my time and money.
Now the difficult child's are older and we can put them out and we did put two out but husband still doesn't parent correctly. He never speaks up when or adult kids are going to do something that we think isn't in their best intrest. Not even when the kids come right out and ask for our advice. Often he will tell me that we have to talk to them about something and then when I bring it up at the dinner table husband sits there and keeps his mouth shut. He then he gets upset when they do exactly what he would have told them not to do (and I have advised against)and vents on me.
My husband was and still is into being the "good Dad" as verses the
"responsible Dad". The kids entire childhood he was relatively unavailable to them. husband would breeze in for a day or two on weekends play with them and breeze out. Because he was only home for a day or two any given week he felt he should not do any disipline. In my opinion he made many problems this way and also made other problems much worse than they had to be.
As a result of my husband's parenting style, I feel I have taken way more abuse than I could comfortably handle at times. Fortunately I was able to leave the premisis and renew myself from time to time. I also established a strong support group of family friends and therapists.
The one very disconcerning effect of this on me is that husband has undermined my credibility with my children. I find it both interesting and extremely unfair that my adult children define him as a good Dad because "he didn't abuse us and he was a good provider". Conversely, I who also never abused them and was class mom, PTA activist, Scout leader, softball coach, 4H leader, soccer team Manager, Took them to tutors, therapists, dance, CCD,church, doctors, swim lessons, beach club and boating, did art projects for them gave party after party for them and their friends with no outside help and even went to college and graduated Summa
laude and then took care of my grandson for three years while my daughter did her Master's degree. In spite of doing all this and doing it well....I am the parent that is always attacked.
I honestly believe this to be a direct result of my husband's selfish actions and inactions. While my adult children know that he was not a very good parent as far as guidance, rule setting, dicipline and personal involvement went they still think of him as the good parent. He is gold in their eyes. When he cheated on me and I was angry and upset my daughter even told me that she felt sorry for her dad because my anger was so apparant. (DUH!!!)
So my advice to you is to do your utmost to get your husband and yourself to present a unified parental front. In my opinion this is imperative for yo to have the maximum impact on difficult child's behavior.
It does sound like your husband will come aboard with a little professional coaching. If however, you cannot get your husband to grow a backbone and consistantly step up and defend you and get behind you on all these issues,you will need to make a large effort to take care of your own needs. If you cannot get the support you need or you find yourself becomming overly stressed, I think you should periodically get out and away from the situation. It also helps to have a therapist you can talk to. I found that this helps to keep you planted in reality and hold onto your sanity. -RM