NO one should have to live like this.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wakeupcall, Mar 13, 2007.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    If my husband treated me as my difficult child, I would leave him. I may have to leave both of them because I'm not sure I can do this any longer. difficult child is on spring break and the fight is on. He has kicked me, refused any request, told me to "shut up", and made the far**** sound toward me, not to mention the faces and mimic-ing. I've just had my fill. If I(we) wasn't going on a trip tomorrow to our daughter's, I think I'd have to least for a while. HOW does anyone live with the disrespect?? I don't care if he can't help it....ok, I believe the initial blurt, he can't help (impulsiveness), but with repeated warnings, why doesn't he get it and *S*T*O*P*????

    Sorry...needed to vent.
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    It's a day by day journey living with a difficult child. Some days are just out of control; others are "almost" pleasant.

    I become concerned when I hear of a growing difficult child becoming violent & aggressive. At 11 years of age, you can no longer excuse unsafe choices as impulsivity (though many times it is).

    It becomes a matter of safety for difficult child & the entire family. Family life should not be a war zone; should not be fearful & filled with hate filled verbal abuse.

    It's clearly defined for both kt (here at home) and wm (in his group home) the line in the sand. Physical aggression will not be tolerated - they need to stop & think. And it's been followed through many times - a call to 911, trips to ER, hospitalizations & Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placements. I take no prisoners....the decision is never easy.

    It was one thing when they were younger & could be safely restrained; it's another as they get older, bigger & more out of control.

    Take care of yourself. I'm glad that you're getting out of town this week - hope you can recharge while you're away.

    Is there anyone who can/will take charge of difficult child during your trip? When I visit my family, my sisters step in big time with kt. It's such a relief & kt responds differently to her aunties.

  3. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Vent away, I've felt the same way many, many times. Everything is a joke, I/we are completely stupid (waaaay above and beyond the usual stupidity levels of typical teen's even), we deserve absolutely no respect but are expected to show respect to difficult child's no matter what because they are entitled, rules???? HA.....those are for everyone BUT difficult child's. They are special, they should be able to blame everything on everyone else because they never instigate/do wrong.

    Wish there was a magic formula but since there's not, sending hugs. been there done that and I would have the t-shirt but difficult child took it and cut it up to suit his own desires.
  4. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Ohhhhhhhh for sure. difficult child would NO WAY act like this in front of his grown sister. (My grandchildren (4 of them) are the most lovely polite children I've ever known...and it's not just because I'm their grandmother). Also, husband will be with us and difficult child isn't as extreme when he's around. I just don't know when this will end. I'm sooooooooooooooo tired. He's starting on Lithium as soon as we return, maybe that will make the difference.

    I've gone so far as to check our insurance for a placement for him for awhile, but nothing is paid for till he's thirteen. Does this mean I live like this for two more years??? I don't know if I can do it.
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    No Pamela, it doesn't mean you have another 2 years. It means you must check out other resources than your insurance provider. difficult child may qualify for medical assistance (based on his diagnosis & disability, not your income) which would open other doors.

    However, the hard part is getting the help. Check with your county mental health care system; it's a start.

    I'm not sure what resources you have in your area but it's worth looking into.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I just posted a new thread to you. I know exactly how you are feeling. My difficult child treated me with so much disrespect and was so abusing that I often went into the garage and sat there crying. I called my sister and my 87 year old dad on the phone many times as she was swearing and screaming at me. She kicked me, hit me, threw things at me and I was at times very afraid of her. There was a every dark day in our life when I tried taking the car keys away from difficult child and she almost broke my fingers and I was laying on the floor of the garage crying and she stood over me laughing. I want to forget that day but it does remind me how far we've come and motivates me to never let it get that way again. It is no way to live and I was ready to either have her leave or leave myself.

    Where is husband with this? Does he think it's time to get tough? Would he be willing to make yor son responsible for his behaviro even if that meant filing chrages if he became abusive? Iti's a very tough decision, and it always doesn;t turn out good. But you can't allow difficult child to do this any longer. He will become an adult abuser.

  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I agree with Nancy - my husband stepped in many times because the behaviors/abuse were targeted at me (or in extreme cases at kt) by wm.

    husband let wm know, very clearly, that he would not treat his wife in that manner. Period. When wm continued husband was the one who called the crisis team & 911.

    The impact of husband stepping in & "protecting" made somewhat of an impression on wm.
  8. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I have no advice on this subject, but you're right, nobody should have to live like this.

    As TimerLady said, my SO too would step in and let any of my children, difficult child or easy child, know that these behaviors are completely inappropriate and would not be tolerated. I hope your husband is standing behind you.

    Sending hugs and hoping something positive turns around soon.

  9. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I'm sure husband would step in, but I doubt that he'd ever call 911. I hear him tell his parents on the phone that we worked so hard to get him, that we don't want to live here without him. I'm afraid that gives him a free ticket. difficult child has just started to physically kick me, trip me, push me, etc. (he did that as a toddler for YEARS, but quit it until recently.). I'm so shocked that I stand there with my mouth hanging open.

    Maybe it's me who needs to be in a psychiatric facility? Is it me instead of him?

    I'm checking out our insurance now and maybe I can discuss an "outpatient" facility for difficult child with husband over our vacation. This makes me very, very sad.
  10. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    Originally Posted By: PamelaHOW does anyone live with the disrespect?? I don't care if he can't help it....ok, I believe the initial blurt, he can't help (impulsiveness), but with repeated warnings, why doesn't he get it and *S*T*O*P*????

    Pamela, you've hit the nail on the head. Your post is exactly what I say over and over. "Why can't he just stop!!!" I still don't have the answer. Some days are better than others, in terms of my handling all the disrespect and garbage mouth. Other days I have no nerve left, and I don't handle it so well. I completely understand wanting to leave, I don't have that luxury, but if you do maybe you should. Take a break, recharge, and then come back. I don't think it could make matters worse, maybe you're leaving would actually get a message across that words haven't so far. Either way, I pray things get better for you. Stay strong... :warrior:

    And to rephrase a quote that I saw/heard (on someone's signature). "Give love to those who seem to not want it, they are the ones who need it most." Since I've seen that, I've tried to remember it especially during the tough times.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is not you Pamela. I undrestand the feeling that you worked so hard to get him, I truly do. But your husband has to also understand that if he isn't make to be responsible for his behavior when he becomes an adult he will get into more serious trouble and you won't be able to help him.

    I think for us my husband didn't have to take as much abuse from her so it was easier for him to not force the issue. And also he works in the criminal justice system as a defense attorney so for him to have to call 911 and file charges on his own child was just about the hardest thing for him to do. He hated every minute if it and didn't trust the police to help at all. But for whatever reason he saw that things were escalating and we couldn't handle it anymore.

    I don't know how muxch therapy you have been through before but if that option is still open I would try to find a therapist that is very assertive and has experience with adoption issues and loss. We used many who were just nice people to talk to and that did nothing. The best therapists we used were those that made difficult child look at how her behavior contributed to the problem. If you wait much longer he will be at the age where he refuses to go to therapy.

    Also while I truly believe there are no medications that will fix kids like ours, there are medications that can help giev you the window that you need to start turning things around. Perhaps it's time to try a different medication.

    How is his behavior in school and elsewhere? Is he starting to get into trouble there yet?

  12. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Nancy, he has an IEP/BIP. Ten days ago he was moved from his elementary school to another that has Social Development Classes and he was put into that class fulltime. Yes, his behavior is bad in all environments.

    husband is just beginning to see some of the behaviors I put up with daily (though he's never doubted what I had to say about it). difficult child is getting more bold with husband, too. husband HAS stepped in recently and told him that he will not tolerate difficult child speaking to me the way he does. It helped for that day.

    Just Wed. this week his medication doctor prescribed Lithobid, but we have mail order prescriptions and it hasn't arrived yet. The only mood stabilizer he's ever been on, Depakote, made him very ill the first time he took it (age 5) and recently our experience with it was violence to the EXTREME! He had to be taken off it both times. I surely hope this one doesn't have the same reactions.

    I guess I'll give this medication a try and if it doesn't make things better, I'll not have many more choices. Today I've been sitting and reading up on the mental health facilities in the area we live in....Houston.

    Thanks for being here, everyone.
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Depakote did not work for my difficult child either. And ritalin made her so manic that she jumped on the roof of my moving car.

    My difficult child is now on Lamictal which is a mood stablizer and it has really really helped my difficult child. We are using a child pschiatrist who is an expert on medications in children and he says lamictal has really helped a lot of kids like ours. She is also on starttera to help with focusing at school and he likes that because strattera is not abused and has no street value and is not a stimulant. The combination of both medications has worked very very well for my difficult child.

    Of course every child is different and will react differently to each medication, but I would keep pushing to find the right one. Keep very good notes on what was tried, the dose, and what the results were. It comes in very handy in the years to come when you are trying to remember which medication did what.


    P.S. We are the same age Pamela. I too have said many times that no one should have to live like this. While I loved my difficult child with all my heart I didn't know if I could live with her anymore. It was so hard loving someone that showed absolutely no love back. I questioned myself many times that maybe I didn't have unconditional love for her. Isn't that what unconditional love is? Loving someone unconditionally, even if they don't love you back? I would have walked to the ends of the earth for her if she just game me some indication that that's what she needed or wanted. I use to say she never gave anything back, and she didn't.

    I know you are in a very dark place. I've been there. But every dark place I've been in I found some reason to hope, some new therpay, some new dr, some new way of doing things, some new possibility. I even checked out summer wilderness experiences. I checked into things I have always been totally against. If nothing more than to convince myself that there was a different way.

    If he is getting into trouble at school it's only a matter of time before that escalates too. At some point he will be suspended and possibly expelled. There needs to be some interevntion that will give him a chance.

    I'm still thinking.

  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I do not know the answer to your question. I didn't accept the violence nor the verbal abuse. I never let it slide. There were always consequences but they never sunk in with either of my difficult child's.

    My husband was a bit on the cowardly side. He never intervened unless I made an issue and then he would not handle it appropriately. I believe that he made things worse for me.
    We went to counciling but husband never bought into it. So that was a total waste of my time and money.

    Now the difficult child's are older and we can put them out and we did put two out but husband still doesn't parent correctly. He never speaks up when or adult kids are going to do something that we think isn't in their best intrest. Not even when the kids come right out and ask for our advice. Often he will tell me that we have to talk to them about something and then when I bring it up at the dinner table husband sits there and keeps his mouth shut. He then he gets upset when they do exactly what he would have told them not to do (and I have advised against)and vents on me.

    My husband was and still is into being the "good Dad" as verses the
    "responsible Dad". The kids entire childhood he was relatively unavailable to them. husband would breeze in for a day or two on weekends play with them and breeze out. Because he was only home for a day or two any given week he felt he should not do any disipline. In my opinion he made many problems this way and also made other problems much worse than they had to be.

    As a result of my husband's parenting style, I feel I have taken way more abuse than I could comfortably handle at times. Fortunately I was able to leave the premisis and renew myself from time to time. I also established a strong support group of family friends and therapists.

    The one very disconcerning effect of this on me is that husband has undermined my credibility with my children. I find it both interesting and extremely unfair that my adult children define him as a good Dad because "he didn't abuse us and he was a good provider". Conversely, I who also never abused them and was class mom, PTA activist, Scout leader, softball coach, 4H leader, soccer team Manager, Took them to tutors, therapists, dance, CCD,church, doctors, swim lessons, beach club and boating, did art projects for them gave party after party for them and their friends with no outside help and even went to college and graduated Summa :censored2: laude and then took care of my grandson for three years while my daughter did her Master's degree. In spite of doing all this and doing it well....I am the parent that is always attacked.

    I honestly believe this to be a direct result of my husband's selfish actions and inactions. While my adult children know that he was not a very good parent as far as guidance, rule setting, dicipline and personal involvement went they still think of him as the good parent. He is gold in their eyes. When he cheated on me and I was angry and upset my daughter even told me that she felt sorry for her dad because my anger was so apparant. (DUH!!!)

    So my advice to you is to do your utmost to get your husband and yourself to present a unified parental front. In my opinion this is imperative for yo to have the maximum impact on difficult child's behavior.

    It does sound like your husband will come aboard with a little professional coaching. If however, you cannot get your husband to grow a backbone and consistantly step up and defend you and get behind you on all these issues,you will need to make a large effort to take care of your own needs. If you cannot get the support you need or you find yourself becomming overly stressed, I think you should periodically get out and away from the situation. It also helps to have a therapist you can talk to. I found that this helps to keep you planted in reality and hold onto your sanity. -RM
  15. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    wasn't your husband doing mornings for awhile? DId that help any? Maybe he needs to do them again, still? If it worked out better, then maybe that needs to become the new permanant way to do things? Many families have had to rearrange their orderly lives to make it work better, families pooling their "resources" efforts and energies to accomplish the goal of making family life become some better? Many families have had to so entirely rearrange things in their life, you might not believe.
    "IF" a child is not in control, then I do not think you can call it "disrespect" because respect is something that is a deliberate thing, done with intention and when someone is in control of themself. My child with seizures flails about when having a seizure, and his teacher tried to term that action as disrespectufl (and violent) is not disrespectful becuz he is not in the power to be able to do anything to stop it. The arm and leg flailing is dangerous, but it is not deliberate violence. Yes, it needs to be controlled, yes we have to take measures to ensure safety, but, it is not an action my son is in willful power t6o simply not do.
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I want to make sure I understand. Has your son ever been diagnosed with anything that would make you believe he was not able to control his actions? Have you taken the steps to rule out any of those possibilities?


  17. I'm with you ... and I'm DREADING spring break ... the kids want to go somewhere, ie. me take them somewhere ... and I want to escape from them after about 5 minutes.

    My 11 y.o. son has been brutal the last few days, more disrespectful and nasty than usual ... and my 9 y.o. daughter way more so than usual, screaming at me, I scream back, we're both mad and nothing is helped.

    I'm so rasselfrackin frustrated I can't stand to be around them. And I hate feeling that way.

    I came here to vent, and instead, I am commiserating ... it isn't just you, and it isn't just me.

    My parents would have not thought twice about whoopin me for acting the way my kids act.
  18. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I was about to post about difficult child 2 when I came across your post. I totally understand how you feel!!! difficult child 2 verbally abused me for 45 minutes before school today. (I'll do a post on this later.) I can relate to so many comments others have already made!!! Life with difficult children can be a living H*LL!!!

    I didn't realize the time - I have to get ready to pick up difficult child 1 from school. I think others have already given you some good advice. I just want you to know that you are not ALONE in your feelings!!! Sending cyber hugs. :flower: WFEN
  19. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    So true, so true. (IF my mom were still alive, though, she'd say there was nothing wrong with difficult child.)

    husband was bombarded when he came home at lunch. I unloaded all the day treatment centers in the Houston area on him. He can tell I've HAD IT UP TO HERE with this stuff.

    I'm going to give it about 2 weeks more with the new sd classes at school and a new script of Lithobid. THEN we'll have to DO something different if there's no change. In the meantime, as soon as we return from vacation, I'm going to call some of these places and talk to them and perhaps take a tour of their facilities.
  20. FlusteredStepdad

    FlusteredStepdad New Member

    The advice on here is very good. It is so hard when dealing with these issues day after day after day.

    Mom isn't able to work due to difficult child's issues and behaviors. She has taken on a caretaking position in the unit we live in along with four other apartment complexes. My job is all day long and many nights too. I am not able to be there all the time and the majority of difficult child's aggressiveness is doled out against Mom.

    In the mornings, Mom has extreme trouble dealing with aggressive and dis-respectful behaviors. After years of her not dealing with behavior issues and not disciplinning difficult child, she has a lot of trouble following through now. Every morning is difficult for her, most mornings I end up being awakened by screaming and have to come "lay down the law". Aggressiveness is not just for Mom, I am 6'3" 300 pounds and I have been thrown 10+ feet by this small child. He is aggressive and abusive towards animals and I believe he his headed for a continued troublesome future.

    Although this post is not any advice or help, I am finding that we are not the only ones going through this. The next physically abusive episode will send difficult child to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He has had 5 hospital stays and between each stay he seems to be able to "keep it together for about 3-4 months. When he loses it, he loses it. We have done everything imaginable to try and get him help and not moving too far.

    Mom is about to have a nervous break-down and difficult child sees it. He knows if he touches her (or me) he is in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). So he mentally abuses Mom until she is crying and can't do anything.

    Does anybody else find that while our difficult children are Learning Disability (LD) and having problems in school, they can be the most manipulative beings we've ever met?

    When I am home, it is just disrespect all day long. He gets really nasty when I am not there.

    Mom needs help (not from me) to realize that Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is not much different from other hospitilizations.

    How does someone that is not his father explain that to her?