My difficult child is 12, and she is the same way, the trash talk, violent agressive behavior, and try to restrain her so she doesn't hurt someone or herself?? She gets even madder and LOOK OUT!!!!
Her counselor has given us some very helpful hints on how to manage these high stress situations on both the emotional and physical side of things.
On the emotional side of things, she says the number one thing she has taught us to remember with ODD children is NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY, and you must NEVER EVER let them see that they have hurt you. They WANT to push your buttons and get a reaction. One of the most difficult things is that when they aren't raging or being "oppositional" you STILL must NOT let your guard down. You have to be very careful what you say to them or let them know that you feel, because every little thing you say could at some point or another be used as ammunition against you in a rage.
She has also given us some hints and tips on the times that they get violent and start kicking or swinging, and how to restrain them, and still be soothing them at the same time. Most of these techniques require two people, because if your difficult child is in a rage and you have ahold of arms, they will start kicking, and if you go after their legs, they will start swinging. She also mentioned that if you are alone, a large blanket can come in handy, because wrapping them up will take away part of their leverage, plus it will provide some cushion for you, and also being "swaddled" can be a security thing that will help calm them. She said that the instant you take ahold of them (violent or nonviolent), or restraint is necessary, you must lower your tone of voice to no more than a whisper, and speak gently in their ear, or sing to them. The "blanketing" as she calls it, can also be used for NoN violent rages, as it can still have the same calming effects for your child, plus if they do decide to unexpectedly start kicking or swinging, you are already prepared.
We have a bit of an advantage, as my difficult child's psychotherapist used to be a crisis intervention worker, and these are things they taught her and trained her to do when she was called to a house, and also meant to train parents how to use this technique themselves.
As for how to handle the disrespect and hatefulness, that I am not sure anyone EVER gets used to. Somehow, though, you must develop a sense of control to a point that you don't lose it until after they aren't around anymore. Our therapist has chosen to meet with my husband and I on a regular basis, during our daughter's regular sessions, some weeks she will split the hour in half and spend half with our daughter and half with us. This has been VERY GOOD for us, because it gives us a chance to talk about our feelings towards these things. I have told my husband before, as well as our therapist, that by the time we get her behavioral issues under control, I WILL BE THE ONE that needs the psychotropic medication, and having a trained professional who is familiar with our daughter's behavior to talk to has REALLY helped us cope!!! I also know many parents who take some low dose stress and anxiety medication to help them keep their calm throughout everything. My regular doctor has suggested a low dose Celexa, because it is very effective with minimal side effects. If your difficult child is REALLY getting to you, then this may be another option for you to help you deal.
It is a rough situation, just be aware of your difficult child's rages, and how frequent they occur, how long they last, and to what degree they take things. Our therapist also suggested keeping a journal of their behaviors. This is a very useful tool for you, the therapist, AND for the psychiatrist if you see one. Children grow and mature so fast, especially at age 11, most have started going through puberty and changing into young adults, and at this age, sometimes is a good time to re-evaluate medication. The journal will help everyone see a trend, and figure out if the behavior is escalating.
Just out of curiosity, I know it has been a couple years since you started the Focalin, but did you notice these behaviors to get worse when he started taking it?? We tried that with our daughter, and it made things much worse, and they told me that was uncommon because it was supposedly so "PURE", but I figure that we can't be the only ones on the PLANET that have had a bad experience with that medication??????
