Not Appreciated

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Imgivingup, May 4, 2017.

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  1. Imgivingup

    Imgivingup New Member

    I just don't know what to do are feel. I guess I am asking a question. Is there anything wrong for me to want my daughter to say thank you once in awhile. I feel like she hates me. Let me start out she gets on me when I text her. After I text her she will call me and chew me out saying "I was trying to text my friend and you kept texting and texting me quit texting me so much" I hardly ever text her. Maybe once every two days. I have gave her my 2006 PT Cruiser. I have given her money, I have help her with her rent you name it I have done it and all I get is quit texting me. She says it hateful too. I think she is a narcissist thinks the world owes her and I better be glad she is letting me help her. Not one thank you are a hug to say mamma I love you.!!! I will tell her about it too. I say Kim " You never tell me thank you I don't feel like you appreciate me" She will tell me I tell you all the time you just don't see it" What ?? I said she just stormed out cause I told her she needs to explain her appreciation cause I don't feel like I am receiving it. I feel like she hates me. I just told myself I am not going to do anything for her anymore. I am going to just leave her alone and let her come to me. I don't know what I have done to make her so mad. For one thing and I wonder if this could be it maybe someone could tell me she has been diagnosed with a Bipolar disorder and not on medication. Is this a character of that. And I just need to quit wearing my feelings on my shoulder. She is mean and hateful and maybe one day out of a month she will be really sweet I want even know her Sometimes she looks like she is possessed. She is 38 now and even when she was real little she would not take any responsibility for anything. For instance you will set your drink down on the coffee table she will walk by and accidentally knock it over. Instead of taking responsibility for it she will tell you it is your fault for setting it there. That is you had not set the drink there she would not of knocked it over. What in the world is wrong with her. No appreciation for nothing no love just a harsh personality. I make excuses that she is 38 and was married to the Hispanic guy who had just got out of prison when she met him three years ago. She had just got a 19,000 dollar settlement. Would not even loan me 2000 dollars to by me another car my was acting up. but the guy Daniel took her for a 3 year ride all the money was gone in about 2 months. She took a felony for him he had drugs on him he came home the cops were behind him she had just come out of the house and he told her to tell the cops the drugs were hers. but me nothing. Why ??? Now she is 38 has a felony on her record which me and my sister begged her not to take the charge even the court appointed attorney dropped her case because Kim had not one thing on her record and this guy had 10 pages of criminal and being in prison. So anyway I think maybe she has a mental problem and I need to quit trying to get anything from her I am just wondering does anyone have a daughter who likes her friends does things for boyfriends but me nothing nothing. I always say I am not going to do anything else for her she even said I don't want you doing anything for me cause you always want something for it. Yes I do maybe a thank you would be nice. She tells me she cannot show me how she appreciates like I want her to but I told her I don't feel are see anything. I am rambling I am just so upset been holding all this in I am single and 66 years old I cannot take much more. I just tell myself she is narcissistic and bipolar and to get over myself and quit trying to get my emotional needs from her.
     
  2. february

    february Member

    They are up and down when bipolar and rude and ungrateful. Sometimes I think is the sustance abuse as well. I screamed at my son last night I could not take it anymore, its all about them. I need stop him from hurting me anymore.my thoughts are with you.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    No. It is normal to want gratitude but we set ourselves up for unhappiness and anger by expecting gratitude and good behavior. Expectations are under our control and they are our responsibility.
    I would stop texting her at all.
    What is the saying? Don't give anything except what you can give freely, without conditions.

    It sounds like what you gave her in your mind had strings attached: Duh. We expect and deserve good behavior and reciprocity. Except it is not within our control to demand it. Therefore, it is not safe for you to give to her, because she uses the relationship to mistreat you.

    I would try to stop with the diagnosing. There are many mothers of daughters your age that come here describing their daughters as borderline or narcissistic and what the situation seems like to an outside observer is that the mothers do not want to accept that their daughters may be both using and rejecting those same mothers. And that their daughters have every right to live their own lives as they see fit. But they are also, the daughters, responsible for the consequences. Solely responsible. What that means is daughter makes her bed and lies in it. It also means that if she mistreats you, you pull back completely.

    Change will only come when you withdraw your help and your efforts to get something from her she does not want to give, even if that means pulling back from the relationship, if she mistreats you. This is her life to live, not yours. If she chooses to live badly what can you do expect get out of the way?

    At some point she may decide she wants a real relationship with you. Until she begins to treat you better, I would withdraw and leave her alone. And then I would concentrate on making my own life as rich and complete as possible.

    I am sorry. I can only guess how painful this must be.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2017
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think you would be better off focusing only on yourself. Don't contact her, think of her, or do ANYTHING for her. If she contacts you, don't answer. If she asks for something, say no. Tell her that it isn't something you feel able to do at this time, that you love her but you have been told that she does not want you to text her or for you to contact her and that she does not want to even be polite to you, so you don't feel the need to do anything for her. That means no money, no stuff, no help, go call her friends for that stuff. When she can treat you with basic common decency and respect, you will be willing to have a relationship with her. If she gets ugly on the phone, hang up. Don't let her into your home. Don't meet her anywhere but in public and if she gets mean or disrespectful, walk away. If she follows, find security and tell them she is bothering you and you have asked her to leave you alone.

    I am sorry. I know it hurts. Sadly, this is likely a facet of her personality. She will change when and if she wants something from you and if she can only get it from you if she acts in a decent way. If you give in when she acts badly, then she will ALWAYS act badly.

    She WILL act worse before she acts better. You MUST stay strong until she stops acting badly. It will take time and there iwll likely be some period of no contact between you before she acts in a decent, non-abusive manner.

    Remember, NO is a complete sentence. You do NOT have to be anyone's doormat or target for abuse. You can simply opt out. If she has a key to your home, change those locks ASAP.

    If she has ANY history of using drugs or alcohol, please go to alanon family meetings. They will be a huge help. It really is a family disorder and the support is amazing.
     
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am a mental health patient with a mood disorder. Bipolar doesnt make anyone mean unless the person is manic psychotic.And it passes once stablized.

    Mean, childish, ungrateful, super entitled people who are not taking drugs usually have Cluster B personality dosorders and dont tend to get help or change. It is their mo to blame everyone else for everything. Look up Cluster B personality disorders in your search engine. She sounds classic. Check Borderline. These people tend to be unable to be nice for long stretches and since they wont get therapy they tend not to improve.

    Do buy the great book Walking on Eggshells by Randi Krieger. It is written for mothers of Cluster B adult kids, but the book would help one cope with any adult kid who is mean and not personality disordered. A good resource.

    My son is at least a borderline narcicist. If he abuses me over tje phone (i wont text him) I politely hang up and he has to cool off for three days before I will answer his calls. He knows this so he has really been much better. He lives far away. Since my other, very kind grown kids dont like how he treats me or them, it is best he lives far away. For my sake too.

    You and I are different in our ap0roach. My Narc son is 39. I'd never give him money or a car. He is a middle age man. Perhaps because he is bright and knows he isnt getting anything from Mom, he got a great job, owns a nice house and a better car than anything he could get from me. He likes to be looked up to so he makes sure he is living presentably. But he would certainly love extra $$$. It never comes from me.

    We always made all four of our kids work for their own stuff and we have good relationships anyways, and they all are independent with good work ethics, even my auristic son who had so many challenges to overcome.

    If this were me, i would stop buying her things and paying her rent or at 38 she may always stay a child. You do not need to text her. Wait for her to text you. Only respond tonpolite texts. Dont respond to abusive ones. These are just suggestions of course.

    You have a life aside of this abusive daughter. Hang out with your kind loved ones and friends. Find new hobbies. Join a class. Make your first focus yourself. Learn to love yourself.

    Its your time to have fun, free of responsibility for grown children. Certainly you will always love her, but you cant change her. And you are in no way obligated to buy her things. She doesnt even appreciate it. She feels entitled to your support.

    You can change one person in this world...yourself. Seek therapy if you need it to learn to let go of daughters drama and abuse and to love her but detach from her. Love yourself. A therapist can help with this too. Therapists have been God sends to so many of us.

    Do not let another person, even an adult child, ruin your well being. Let her figure out true maturity. Or not. It is her life path, not yours.

    None of us will be around forever. They must learn to stand on their own.

    And you deserve beautiful, carefree golden years free of trying to fix anyone else and nobody needs abuse from ANYONE. If you wouldnt put up with the same behavior your daughter gives you from your spouse, then why accept it from her?

    You will get more respect if you dont allow yourself to be mistreated. And act strong, not pathetic and needy. Your daughter feels powerful over you when you do that. That makes her feel as if she can treat you badly.

    Good luck. Light and love from me :)
     
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    Last edited: May 4, 2017
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    So sorry you are going thru this. It is hard. Now is the time to concentrate on you. Remember, you do not owe your daughter a car or money.

    Stop texting or calling her. It won't be long til she will be contacting you when she wants more money. Be pleasant, but firm. Maybe have some guidelines...offer to meet somewhere for lunch maybe once a month. Tell her she is smart enough to figure out her problems.

    At the top of this forum is an article on detachment. Read it. Keep reading it. Have some quotes ready to respond with with when she wants something from you. "That must be really difficult, but I am sure you will work this out". "It is good to hear from you, I am sorry things are hard."

    I am sure you will see the sweet side when she wants something from you, and the rude side when you say you can't help financially. You can give her information about agencies that might provide help.

    Stay strong. Don't cave in.

    Ksm
     
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  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, IGU!

    The problem is, your daughter doesn't FEEL gratitude for the things that you do for her.

    In fact, she probably resents you for doing those things, even if she asks for them.

    It is unnatural for a middle-aged adult to be dependent on their parents. It is more natural for an adult rapidly approaching forty to start feeling concern for the aging parent.

    Things are backwards here, and she knows it.

    We have had many people (usually mothers) who decry their poor treatment at the hands of an adult child that they do everything for, and marvel at the comparatively better treatment the other parent receives, who does little to nothing for the adult child.

    The adult child knows they can't walk all over that other parent without consequences, so they have stopped trying. That other parent demands respect, so they often get it (or have nothing much to do with the person who treats them badly).

    You need to change the way you respond to your daughter.

    Stop giving her money, cars, and attention for bad behavior. Stop trying to buy her love and respect.

    Live your life to the fullest.

    Go take care of you.

    Take up a new hobby, or start up one you used to love.

    Make new friendships, or renew some old ones that have been neglected.

    Go get a massage, a facial, a new hair cut or color, or a new outfit.

    Start planning a trip or day excursion to somewhere you would like to visit.

    Think about rearranging your furniture, painting a room, getting a new comforter for the bed.

    Do things you enjoy, whatever that may be.

    Let your daughter live her own life, and she will come to you.

    Make sure it is on your terms.

    Stay with us and post, IGU. You may not be ready to change your life yet, but you will understand where we are coming from if you stick around and stay involved. And maybe you can help someone else in a similar situation.

    Apple
     
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Appl, if there was a five star option to rate a post, I would have given you one. You nailed it 100%. People in general, especially bullies, tend to be nicer to those who are NOT sacrificing everything for them. It is seem by them as weakness. It makes the bullies sneer at us, not love us more. And many difficult adult kids are bullies.

    In their minds, Dad, who wont give into their every whim, is a stronger person than mom who is a sucker enough to hand them thousands of dollars and new cars and even buy them houses and bail them out of DUIs when they happen. There is no respect for we who do this by our kids. They know they can play us and see us as weak. Dad, on the other hand, can not be played with. That equals respect to them.

    Do they even take care of the house, the free car, the apartment you rent for them, the cell phone? Do they spend money you give them for food or for booze and drugs? When they claim something was stolen was it or do they just want new things to sell? Can you trust them? Is this coming out of your retirement? Are you that wealthy?

    It is also very true that kids nearing 40 tend to start to worry about their older parents, if they are normal, nice people. It IS backward if a 40 year old has no concern for the health or well being of a loving 66 year old parent. It shows a deep lack of caring/empathy. Middle agers do not, if normal, still demand from us and act unconcerned about us.

    Powerful post, Appl. And so true. Adult kids are not little kids. They may, if disturbed, verbally abuse us if we dont give them toys, but they actually respect that more than if we always give in. Hand your child your love and emotional support, if the adult is on a good path, and stop the bank, the toys, the attempt to love them enough to save them. They wont love you more for it, although at times they may pretend they do in order to keep Christmas going on. The first time you say no, they hate you...thats not love.

    You cant save them and trying to with "things" will make them disrespect you and see you as weak and abuse worthy. Stand strong!
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2017