Now ex-drug addict daughter is falling apart over stupid SO

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Feb 15, 2012.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    J. gets VERY upset when things go wrong. She has never been easygoing in any way, even since she quit drugs. Her relationship with G. has gone on for eight years now and it has always been a bit dramatic. I think G. is a little on the abusive side, verbally at least, and J. is not one to pacify him. When he blows up, she responds because that's how she is. We have talked and she is responding less, but it isn't stopping him from his periodic blow ups. When he gets angry, he is not above throwing things or breaking things like a young difficult child. He has also punched a hole in the wall. I have had many talks about this with J., but after the blow ups things would be good for long periods of time, she loves him and does not or DID not want to leave him. She is 27. I can't MAKE her leave him.

    G. is basically a pretty good looking man, but he's a geek and never dated much. So J. was shocked when she found some cell phone nudies from another girl on his phone last year. They almost broke up over that, but he talked her into giving him another chance. They went on vacation and he got his "another chance." But she never really forgot it and things have been more volatile since then. When he is angry, he calls her horrible names which he cries over and apologies for the next day. Lately, he has been breaking up with her then begging her back.

    J. is getting tired of him. He did this break up bit again this week and she decided to let it stand, but they own a house together. Both are stubborn. He won't leave and she won't leave. And he also spent half the night after he broke up with her trying to get her to go back to him. She told him he'd have to get help and prove himself, but that she's going to live her own life. There was an understanding that he would do everything in his power to try to keep her in his life.

    I am not sure what set her off this time because she called me from work and could not talk long, but apparently his crazy sister (yes, s he is truly crazy) told her friend to pretend she was a particular girl that G. knows and to flirt with him through texting. He didn't really take the bait too far but he did say he could use some loving, then said j/k. But my daughter was out with some friends last night and G's sister called her up to say that G. was flirting with this girl.

    My daughter lost it in front of everyone and called me over and over again, but my phone must have accidentally gone to "silent" mode. Today she got me and she is suicidal, sure that her life is awful and will always be awful and that the more she tries the worse it gets and no matter how hard she tries, it doesn't do any good. She was inconsolible and said she didn't even want to be around family or friends, she just wanted to die. She wasn't really listening to what I was saying. Now I'm freaked out, shaking at the keyboard. She won't do anything right now because she's at work (and said so). I'm concerned about 4:00 when she has to go home to G. In fact, I'm terrified. So these are my options and I'm not sure which to do:

    1/Call 911 and tell them she threatened suicide. The only thing that stops me is that she'd say she was fine and they'd let her go, then she'd shut down and never give me a chance to help her ever again. Even if they kept her, it would just be overnight and she'd still have to go back to him. And, again, then she wouldn't trust me and I'm really the only person she has who she feels she can talk to. So this is touchy.

    2/Called her father who promised to try to reach her and get her to stay with him. Now this is a good altnerative. She lives near her dad and he has a big, big house. But she doesn't like to stay with him. I don't think she would. He can be very annoying and although I think he is frightened enough not to be annoying right now, I don't know that she'd give him a chance.

    3/Drop everything and run down to Chicago. She told me not to, but it's hard for me not to. I'm not sure what I could do once I was there, but....? On the other hand I have two kids here and can't leave them for too long. J. and G. have a land contract on the house. The lease is up in May. I can't stay until May. The house is actually in J's name, but I really don't think she is up to the drama of throwing him out. And of course there are all those tenants rights, etc.

    4/Call my sister and ask her to go check up on J. Problem is, Sis doesn't know J. that well...they don't really have a relationship as we lived far apart for most of her life. J. has said she doesn't feel comfortable around Sis, even though Sis is really a nice person.

    I am stunned, not so much by the threat but by how desperate she sounded and how few good options I have. She said, "Mom, it's my life."

    Anything I haven't thought of? I'm halfway out the door and on my way to Chicago. by the way, I am NOT afraid she'll use drugs again. Unless it's to do herself in. She has already said she is not going back to THAT life no matter what, and that was yesterday and Is believe her.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    MWM, I think the answer is in her response "It's my life Mom."

    She's right and she evidently wants to own it. in my humble opinion it's time to detach a bit. There's no doubt she knows how fervently you love her and that you are available when needed. When she specifically asks for help...then it will be time to offer ideas of how she can decide to change/improve her life. Sending caring thoughts your way. DDD
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) out to both of you.

    I like the Dad option best, but she's really got to want to make a break. Once at Dad's she can start eviction proceedings to get G out of the house.

    No matter what option you go with, she really has to want this break. Do you think she's truly suicidal or is this a reaction to the fact that she can't envision her future without this guy? Or maybe a reaction to the fact that she may have to have a future without this guy?

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    What he is doing is abuse, pure and simple. He is manipulating her and verbally abusing her and emotionally abusing ehr and actually the throwing things could be considered property damage and if he isn't on the land contract then he might actually have committed a crime by putting a hole n the wall. Even if he didn't, it is STILL the cycle of abuse. He degrades her, hurts her (not physically YET), intimidates her by throwing things and threatening, then he is all apologetic and sorry and "baby I love you give me another chance".


    She NEEDS to see a therapist of some kind. It would be amazing if she would go to a DV center because they can truly understand and help her. Here you make an appointment for an intake appointment unless the situation is physically dangerous. You are cautioned to NOT tell your abuser about the appointment because generally they object and it can put you in grave danger if they know about the appointment. At the intake, you tell a therapist what is going on and the therapist tells you her take on the situation and what they have to help you. Here you do a certain number of indiv therapy sessions and then do group and indiv therapy. The abuser also is offered therapy if the survivor wants to discuss it with them (they help with that) and it is pretty much the same - first some indiv sessions, then group therapy for abusers.

    The tdocs are young almost exlusively. The ones here were excellent - professional, seemed to ahve good judgement, and they knew when to consult someone with more experience - and most tdocs in our area will help them if needed. This is ALL free - to both survivor and victim. They do help you get out if that is needed, and help with housing, food, legal fees, etc... as needed.

    in my opinion this would be a great thing for your daughter. Often we tell ourselves it isn't abusive or the cycle of abuse because we don't get hit. I told myself that for decades about gfgbro. Heck, my mother is STILL telling me that if I allow her to speak about gfgbro to me. I don't allow it because it isn't healthy for any of us.

    what do your calm, mommy instincts tell you? NOT the panicky OMG!!!!!! ones, the deep down, certain ones? What do they say you should do? in my opinion you should follow those.

    I am sorry the situation is so bad. Maybe it is finally bad enough for her to make some real changes? You might encourage her to go to meetings (AA or NA) because she is vulnerable at this time and those might be a big help.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks to all. I have an appointment. with my own therapist at 3...I got in for an emergency appointment. When you have borderline you freak out easily and it's best to have a listening ear and I was fortunate to get one.

    My daughter was not in any state of mind to listen to any of my suggestions. The DV option I have talked to her about before. Therapist too. She does not really trust them (she saw them when she was using drugs and felt she fooled them and that they are not very helpful). I can work on that when she is truly better. I feel sick to my stomach. J. has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone and I hate to see her taking about how one bad thing after another keeps happening in her life. And t hat she doesn't want anyone to help her (but she called me so many times that I don't think that's necessarily true).

    Of course,t he only real answer is that I have to let her do this herself and whatever she does s he does. I don't believe I have the power to stop her from hurting herself if she wants to and I think that a stay of 48 hrs. in some mental health facility will only make her more suicidal. She will not consider any medication long-term because of her old drug habits, but maybe I can suggest getting something to calm her for now...just while she is going through all this with Jerk.

    Jerk has always had anger issues, but it seems as if he is getting worse and worse as he refuses to get treatment, although he readily acknowledges needing it. My only consolation is that J. was very careful not to have a child while she was in school and now that she is just starting out in her field. She doesn't want to have kids until/unless she knows Jerk is "the one." I hope she can break from him and survive doing it because he will never be anything more than what he is.

    Even though I am choosing not to go to Chicago because she doesn't want me to and because I have a family here, I will NEVER forgive myself if anything happens to her. I will think I SHOULD have gone there....(sigh). If anyone had told me that having kids is so hard, I would not have had any.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad you got an appointment and talk it out with someone you trust. Caring thoughts. DDD
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    {{{hugs}}} I hope you appointment helps you sort things out and that your daughter is feeling more upbeat soon.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs to you and easy child.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sorry she is dealing with this but I think you are doing the right thing. If she needs you she will tell you. You guys are close and if she really wants mommy, she will call mommy. Or come to you for a short stay. That might be what she needs in fact. A few days at home with you to snuggle and lick her wounds.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks all. She called me while I was with the therapist and the therapist told me to talk. She was much better, but still stressed over having to live with him...I am not sure what she is going to do. I always expect her to break if off and so far she hasn't. But each time he screws up, she gets closer to it. She is going to see her father this weekend and her best friend tonight. But it is going to be volatile until she either decides to give him another try (which I hope she doesn't) or she tries to get him to move out. I found out the house is in both of their names, so she can't evict him.

    Janet, she can't come here now as she just started a job and can't take off. Too bad. I'd love to have her.

    Thanks all for listening!!!!! Hugs to all!
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs))))) to both of you. I hope she is close to seeing how toxic he is. She can get an atty to help if she needs to get him out. Given that he has been violent and throws things, she may be able to get a restraining order to keep him away from her. I would suggest she keep her cell phone in a pocket so she can dial 911 if she needs to at any time. Have her call the police dept non-emergency number to see if they have a registration for cell numbers to tie them to her address. Here they do - you tell them your address and cell numbers and if a 911 call comes in that no one speaks on or they hear yelling and stuff smashing about, they go to your home address to see if you are okay. It owuld let her speed dial 911 and NOT say anything if it would set him off worse.

    Can you ask her if he has a gun in the home? If so, can she get it while he isn't home and get it OUT of the house? That owuld be a big worry for me with a rage-a-holic. Yes, they can hurt you with anything, but a gun seems to make them feel bigger and badder than the cops a lot of the time.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911


    You know - You can't MAKE her go to DV counseling - BUT nothing says that YOU can't go to a local domestic voilence shelter and pick up some phamplets and literature, send it to her - talk to them about the situation and get some information for yourself to get better educated on how to help her, what to say.

    Sometimes the first step in DV situations for families is to become aware of WHAT an abuser is about. Basically a large BULLY - with a circle of violence and a time-line of that circle. If you understand his circle and time line - you can be able to point this out to her -sort of like you PREDICT what will happen/when and it helps her understand and see - OMG Mom is right - look it's happening all over again - OMG she's not psychic it just happens - there is a pattern....maybe I SHOULD read those phamplets.

    That may help - there is always the chance that she'll chuck them in the trash while she's still involved with him - and of course there is a chance that she'll get local help for herself.

    Just a thought. My help started with ONE poem - WHY SHE STAYS. It was like - HOW IN THE HELL can someone else know what I feel about THIS guy - and by the way - I did try to commit suicide over my x too - hanging seemed to be my way out. Never got the rope over the rafter in the barn - but I'll never forget the look on the horses face when I fell. It took me nearly 12 years from that point to get out.......and HE nearly killed me more times than I could count. So it sometimes takes a long time for women to figure it out. But you never know what can be helpful.

    Hugs for both your pain.