Now I'm the Bad Person

[Jeppy]

It's time for the back to school clothes shopping, always an ordeal. I took a week's vacation off work to deal with it. So the week is gone and difficult child has a total of one pair of shoes bought. That's it.

He wouldn't start going shopping until Thursday because he is a procrastinator. Now he says without new outfits he won't go to school and of course somehow that is my fault and I'm the bad person.

He won't leave the house until the evening because he insists on sleeping in and taking a long time to get ready including an hour or more shower. Last night we got to one store and it was closed already. Now I'm the bad person because I should have known we would get there too late (no, I don't keep record of when all the stores in the area close - this one is freestanding and doesn't follow mall hours).

I give him a budget and he selects the clothes since he is 15. He chose $145 shoes and when I discussed the high cost with him he assured me he would supplement the budget with his own funds. Turns out the shirts he wants now are in the $50 to $60 range so he doesn't want to use up all his own funds. So now I'm the bad person because I don't give him enough money for clothing.

Last night driving home he was blasting the A/C in the car so high that my hands were turning numb. (I'd brought a sweatshirt to wear knowing how fussy he is about temperatures, but didn't think to bring gloves in August). So I insisted it be turned off and he then threw a fit, pulling his leg back and repeatedly kicking the dashboard hard where the air bag is (possibly damaging it, I don't know) while I was driving. I yelled stop and reached my right hand over to restrain him and now he says I struck him and he is going to report me to DCF for child abuse. So now I'm the bad person.

Grrrrr! I don't know if I can handle taking him this weekend for more clothes shopping, and I told him if he wants to go to a foster home go ahead and call DCF. I am so sick of dealing with him at this point and of him trying to make me out to be the bad guy.

 

[Jeppy]

Oh, his clothing allowance is $490 (he spent $210 of it last spring when he lied and said some of his clothes were damaged and couldn't be worn - then I found out he was wearing them and they weren't really damaged - so I subtracted that from his $700 total). Also, he wears his clothes so loose that everything from this year still fits and is in good condition except a couple pairs of jeans are frayed at the bottom.

 

[BusynMember]

My daughter is 13 and she's not a difficult child, but she also wanted a "clothes allowance" and to go shopping for school clothes. Well, we don't have enough money for a "clothes allowance" and told her so without guilt. I always tell her she can babysit and use her money for clothes. When my kids turn 16, they have all gotten jobs. I don't do expensive clothes. If they want them, they have to work to pay for the labels. And I don't care if they think I'm mean. All of my kids know we aren't made of money so if they whine, they're talking to the wall. We do the best we can.

 

[DammitJanet]

Jeppy...you are not a bad person. Your son is being a brat. His diagnosis's are not an excuse for this behavior. That amount of money is enough to clothe several kids! He is darned lucky! He should be showing gratitude instead of attitude!

I do understand the shoe drama. My youngest was my clothes freak. I remember him and I having a meltdown in a show store over a pair of Timberland's when he was around that age. He wanted this pair that was about $120 in this exact color of tan. I found one pair on sale for $45 in a slightly different shade. Nope, wouldnt do. We both threw down in a fit to match all fits and he left with no shoes...lol. I think we scared the sales people! He didnt need shoes either. I told him that unless he was going to actually use those boots to go out and do construction work in them, no way was I going to spend that much money on a pair of boots! His dad didnt pay that much for boots and he worked every day in construction...lol.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry he is just a brat about this. It seems to me like it is time to tell him the budget is $30 or $40 period. Then you can take him to a Goodwill, Salvation Army or other thrift store.

There is NOTHING wrong with used clothing other than the style isn't the latest and greatest must have fashion.

If aat all possible give him the small amt of money and tell him that is it for the school year. then let him do all the shopping and paying. Do NOT add socks, underwear, shoes or anything else onto that small amount of money.

New clothes are NOT something anyone has a "right" to. And if he is ever to learn from this it will be smart to make the lesson that being a spoiled brat who throws tantrums will mean you get cut off of the family money supply. Period.

Kids who are in custody for various reasons do not get anything CLOSE to that much $$ for clothes for a YEAR. My son spent 4 months in a psychiatric hospital and boy did my eyes get opened up! A couple of times when I visited him I noticed cuts and tears in his clothing. He also had one pair that itched and drove him nuts. When I came to visit and give him some other clothing the staff said they would prefer if I did NOT give them to him

He had been purposely damaging his clothing and was supposed to work to earn new clothes (in stead of working me over emotionally until I caved and bought the new stuff!).

At 15 this behavior is just going to get worse. LOTS worse. Keep a phone on your person so you can call 911 if he tries to hurt you. Or your home. You need to adjust to being called a "bad mommy" or a "mean" one. When my oldest went through that routine he lost a LOT of privileges very very quickly.

So my suggestion is to drastically cut the clothing budget. Do what you can to ignore his tantrums. If he has a lot of clothes that still fit then maybe he doesn't really NEED new clothing. Be prepared for him to break some stuff. If he starts call the police and have him taken to a psychiatric hospital. If you don't do this stuff then he will NEVER stop treating you this way.

 

[Jeppy]

Thank you all for your support. When he turns 16 I will hold him responsible for most of his clothing since at that age he can get a job readily. Also, at that age if he says I won't go to school since I don't have new clothes it doesn't matter since he can legally drop out. Right now I am struggling to keep him in attendance.

It is very hard for me to know if it is just brattiness or something that requires hospitalization when he gets out of control. His father is paranoid schizophrenic and has bipolar disorder. So to the extent those are genetic disorders, difficult child might have or get them. The psychiatrist said at this point we can't tell if difficult child's behaviors are pre-schizophrenia or something else. therapist says she can't tell either; I guess in some cases it can only be diagnosed in hindsight.

 

[mstang67chic]

Brattiness or diagnosis related.....the next time he does something like kicking the car while you are driving....pull over. If he doesn't stop, call the police. Being like that in an enclosed MOVING vehicle is a danger not only to the two of you but to others on the road. If he's still acting like this when the police come, request that they transfer him to the nearest hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. If it is diagnosis related, they will either do something or at the very least, you have a paper trail. If it's not, a little scared straight by the cops can't hurt. Same goes if he does this at home. If he gets violent (against people or things), call the police. Whichever is the reason behind the behavior, it can't be tolerated and something needs to happen.

I notice on your signature that difficult child is ODD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Who has diagnosed him with these? What kind of psychiatrist and therapist do you see currently? Honestly, it sounds as if he needs a full neuropsychologist evaluation. ODD is usually one of two things. A) It's a diagnosis for when the doctor has no clue. B) It is rarely a stand alone diagnosis so generally there is something else going on. With his behavior and genetic history, I would lean more towards the BiPolar (BP) which CAN be diagnosis'd at his age. I would request a full neuropsychologist for him and see where that leads you.

 

[compassion]

I want to share that this sort of behavior is symptomatic of my daighter's diagnosis of bi0polar disorder. It is a daily constant stuggle to manian money boundaries with her!!! The raging/blaming this is so draining!!!!
I found I was (still sturggle with this daily) esily manipulated by guklt, pity, and fear. Now we have 3 therapists to help us deal with her plus two supports groups/sponsosrs (Al-Anon and FA) , plus this board, plus the Child and Biploar Foudation board, support group0s.
How I am coping with the back to school stuff is she gets a set amount of money per item. She relaly cannot proecess the big picture like $490, it will be gone in an hour. I had husband take her to get one pair of jeans, she has 5 she will eweear, on epackage of undrwear, one package of socks , and also one pair of shoes. It helps that she is in a program that there is a sort of dress code, they weathe center's T-shirt, and no holey,baggy jeans .
I CANNOT reason with her when she gets like what you described. Ican uphold the limits though. She keeps pushing them all week and keeps hanging up on me,but I am very proud of me, I did NOT CAVE IN!!!!
My daughter is funcitoning much, much lower than her crhonilogical age, she is more like a youg elementray student, so it takes a lot of fimrness and calmess, and patience.
The main thing I ahave foudn iscsonistent boaundaries. Also, medication adheerence. She requires an anitpsycotic and a lmood stabilizer ans she still is not fucntioning really high. It has taken awhile to have more ralsitic expectations.
Keep coming back here. I would suggest checking out CABF and NAMI. Compassion

 

[Jeppy]

I certainly understand acting much younger than one's chronological age. Lately I have found him scribbling on the walls and made him clean up and/or paint over the scribbles. Can't wait for school to start back up so he has less time to do stuff like this.

He is seeing a therapist (finally found one he will actually talk to after numerous tries); had one visit with a psychiatrist who ruled out anything requiring medication. I will ask the therapist about a neuropsychologist evaluation at our next meeting week after next.

I don't have a cell phone to call from in the car but certainly could call from home if he destroys property again, though he has gotten better at that lately. He does try, but very intermittently.

 

[mstang67chic]

I have to kind of chuckle at your psychiatrist. I'm sorry but unless your one visit was hours long and consisted of all sorts of testing....one visit is NOT enough to determine any kind of a diagnosis. When you ask about more testing, if either the psychiatrist or therapist blows you off....find one who won't. There are good ways of finding docs to do this testing and honestly, I don't know them. I know others here do though. If no one posts a response about it on this thread, you may want to start a new thread asking about how to go about doing that.

 

[KTMom91]

Yep. been there done that. And I would say tough patooties on any new clothes for right now. My standard phrase was "Not my problem." You can't get up to go look at clothes? Not my problem. You want expensive stuff? Not my problem. Get a job. You're calling DFS because I tried to restrain you from kicking my dash? Not my problem. I'll wave goodbye as you head out to foster care.

You are not the bad guy. Don't let him guilt you. He's being a huge brat.

 

[Iamwipedouttoo]

I went through this a few weeks ago with my difficult child and my other kids so I feel your pain!

I set a clothes allowance for each child based on what each needs not what each wants and if it turns out they don't need anything I still will buy them (or give them the $ to buy) a two-three new shirts and one or two pairs of jeans. I do not feel that after kids stop growing there is any need to revamp an entire wardrobe just because it's the beginning of school.

This year, I asked each of them to go through their clothes and shoes and to make piles of what did not fit and what they didn't wear anymore to get ready for the school year. They all had a week to go through their stuff.

Well, difficult child decided it was more important to go out with friends, talk on the phone or spend time on the computer. As I was going through my son's things like was planned she announced that she wanted to go shopping with a friend of hers the next day and demanded to know how much $ I was going to give her!

I told her we still needed to go through her things. She pitched a fit and said just forget it and stormed off to make plans with her boyfriend. I was proud of myself for not giving in just because the shopping needed to get done!

I'm a bad person for asking her to go through her things I guess!

I didn't say another word about it and the next morning she came to me and told me she had gone through her things and wanted to know when I could go through them with her and then asked me to take her shopping THAT day (apparently friend fell through)!!! WTH?!

I told her I could go shopping with her the following day and while she pitched a fit for awhile, saying I never do anything for her, I'm so mean, etc., I stayed strong and told her it was that or she would need to wait until a day during the week. She stormed off again but eventually showed back up saying tomorrow would be fine.

As a side note...difficult child started working last summer and has a job now during the school year, as well (she quit her team sport ) so she's really learned the value of a dollar now that she actually earns her own money. This has helped tremendously with the amount of $ she demands...and purposely losing or destroying what she has...now she realizes how hard we have to work for what we have!

(((hugs))) Sometimes kids can be frustrating!