TAnne
New Member
Haven't posted in awhile in the hopes that things would get better (classic enabling delusion under my part) but I'm at my wits end. I'm sorry that this will be all over the place. I posted awhile back about my now 19-year-old Difficult Child and the difficulties I was having with him getting his life together. He's transgender (started hormone therapy in February for female to male conversion) and has a tendency to blame his all of his behaviors on society as a whole, including his inability to keep a job. Nothing is ever his own fault. I thought we had finally reached a positive turning point when he enrolled in vocational school in January and was doing quite well. I was so wrong.
The reality is that this kid has been enabled so long by ME, that he has no drive, no ambition, and no reason to work for anything. Jobs are inconvenient and he has a bad attitude, which is why I suspect he can't hold onto a position for more than 2-3 months at most. After he flunked out of college (I believe that's when I posted last), he spent the summer on his butt playing computer games or hanging out with friends rather than finding employment and figuring out Plan B, all the while getting free room and board, WiFi, an insured vehicle, and a paid cell phone by my husband and I. We talked about his need to contribute to the household budget and rent if he was going to stay with us, and he paid out a grand total of $120 in the past year. He hasn't contributed a dime to household expenses since last autumn, but has no problem stealing money from the change bucket that my husband saves up to pay for fun items or even petty things like the candy I ask him to leave alone because it's purchased as incentive for his 3-year-old sister's ongoing potty training. I constantly find hidden wrappers in his room. I know stealing candy sounds stupid, but it's infuriating to me that he steals candy from a little kid working hard to EARN that treat by staying dry. He's been confronted multiple times regarding stealing and continues to do so.
He's constantly telling his friends and his boyfriend how horrible we are, but has no qualms about sauntering into the kitchen after laying around all day to ask me what's for dinner when I've just busted my ass seeing patients all day. I've gotten to the point where I respond, "What are you cooking?" and he just laughs and walks away. Recently lying has become a huge issue, not that I don't suspect he's been lying to me for years, but several big things stand out.
*Yesterday my husband found vehicle damage to his work van (which is supplied by his corporate office) and sent me a text to ask me if there was any damage to Difficult Child's vehicle, as the paint color on his van appeared to be similar to Difficult Child's car. I went outside to check and found extensive damage to Difficult Child's vehicle consistent with hitting my husband's work van, however Difficult Child fabricated a story that he had been "backed into" the day before and that the damage lining up was "coincidental". According to his sister (my oldest daughter who is 22 and out on her own), he also hit an elementary school fence a few months ago and had recently been pulled over and ticketed for failing to use a turn signal. I had no knowledge of these events, and he's on our insurance plan.
*About 2 weeks ago he claimed to me that he had a miscarriage at the beginning of this month that required a hospital D&E but supposedly had no prior knowledge of pregnancy despite being approximately 14 weeks along. I had my suspicions a few times in the last few months and asked if he thought there was even a remote possibility that he could be pregnant, but each time I received answers of indignation and disgust, as if I was a horrible person for even suggesting the notion. Now I'm being told that he "misses the little girl he lost" and I should be more sympathetic to his plight. The father is unemployed, hasn't even graduated high school, and has been unfaithful multiple times.
*He took a leave of absence from school due to being "emotionally distraught" over the miscarriage, however it has recently come to light that he was forced into a leave of absence to avoid failing the current term due to absences and not turning in work, well before this incident occurred. He also quit a good 40-hour a week job that paid well only two weeks after starting to take on another position that pays more, but is ONLY on an as needed basis. He has yet to start that position despite quitting the other job over a month ago.
*He has absolutely destroyed his credit, overdrawing with banks and not paying the balances, racking up medical bills that we wind up having to pay because we go to the same family practice and will lose our physician if he doesn't pay. He's had so many suicide threats and ambulance rides from his friends calling for help that I was recently sued for over $2000 in ambulance bills that he refused to pay because he's still on our health insurance.
EVERY TIME I put my foot down and said that things had to change, he would talk about how his life was "falling apart" and threaten suicide. One of these threats landed him in an inpatient psychiatric unit involuntarily and he was furious that I was so fed up that I refused to visit. "But who's going to bring me clothes?" Yesterday after finding the vehicle damage I said I was done with all of this, and he didn't come home. Then at 0100 I wake up to someone pounding on my door and I send my husband to answer it with his handgun because we live in an area where homelessness and meth addiction are prevalent. Turns out it was the police department escorting my son home "for safety" because after I put my foot down again he made suicide threats on Facebook (in a post I'm blocked from seeing) and a concerned friend called police. He breezed through the house and went straight to his room while we stood there bleary eyed and speechless.
This is exhausting. It's putting a huge strain on my marriage, I don't feel it's a safe environment for my 3-year-old to witness, and we're at a loss as to what to do. I'm being drained emotionally, physically, and financially. My husband and I are constantly on edge, wondering who's going to call and demand money for his debts. We've already decided to strip the plates from the vehicle and we've cancelled the cell phone as well as eliminated access to WiFi, but now what? I want this kid out of my house but he has zero way to support himself and in our state I'd have to move forward with a formal eviction. He's still sleeping comfortably in be at 10:30 a.m. while I'm having to take a day off work to deal with the aftermath of his crap. I need help.
The reality is that this kid has been enabled so long by ME, that he has no drive, no ambition, and no reason to work for anything. Jobs are inconvenient and he has a bad attitude, which is why I suspect he can't hold onto a position for more than 2-3 months at most. After he flunked out of college (I believe that's when I posted last), he spent the summer on his butt playing computer games or hanging out with friends rather than finding employment and figuring out Plan B, all the while getting free room and board, WiFi, an insured vehicle, and a paid cell phone by my husband and I. We talked about his need to contribute to the household budget and rent if he was going to stay with us, and he paid out a grand total of $120 in the past year. He hasn't contributed a dime to household expenses since last autumn, but has no problem stealing money from the change bucket that my husband saves up to pay for fun items or even petty things like the candy I ask him to leave alone because it's purchased as incentive for his 3-year-old sister's ongoing potty training. I constantly find hidden wrappers in his room. I know stealing candy sounds stupid, but it's infuriating to me that he steals candy from a little kid working hard to EARN that treat by staying dry. He's been confronted multiple times regarding stealing and continues to do so.
He's constantly telling his friends and his boyfriend how horrible we are, but has no qualms about sauntering into the kitchen after laying around all day to ask me what's for dinner when I've just busted my ass seeing patients all day. I've gotten to the point where I respond, "What are you cooking?" and he just laughs and walks away. Recently lying has become a huge issue, not that I don't suspect he's been lying to me for years, but several big things stand out.
*Yesterday my husband found vehicle damage to his work van (which is supplied by his corporate office) and sent me a text to ask me if there was any damage to Difficult Child's vehicle, as the paint color on his van appeared to be similar to Difficult Child's car. I went outside to check and found extensive damage to Difficult Child's vehicle consistent with hitting my husband's work van, however Difficult Child fabricated a story that he had been "backed into" the day before and that the damage lining up was "coincidental". According to his sister (my oldest daughter who is 22 and out on her own), he also hit an elementary school fence a few months ago and had recently been pulled over and ticketed for failing to use a turn signal. I had no knowledge of these events, and he's on our insurance plan.
*About 2 weeks ago he claimed to me that he had a miscarriage at the beginning of this month that required a hospital D&E but supposedly had no prior knowledge of pregnancy despite being approximately 14 weeks along. I had my suspicions a few times in the last few months and asked if he thought there was even a remote possibility that he could be pregnant, but each time I received answers of indignation and disgust, as if I was a horrible person for even suggesting the notion. Now I'm being told that he "misses the little girl he lost" and I should be more sympathetic to his plight. The father is unemployed, hasn't even graduated high school, and has been unfaithful multiple times.
*He took a leave of absence from school due to being "emotionally distraught" over the miscarriage, however it has recently come to light that he was forced into a leave of absence to avoid failing the current term due to absences and not turning in work, well before this incident occurred. He also quit a good 40-hour a week job that paid well only two weeks after starting to take on another position that pays more, but is ONLY on an as needed basis. He has yet to start that position despite quitting the other job over a month ago.
*He has absolutely destroyed his credit, overdrawing with banks and not paying the balances, racking up medical bills that we wind up having to pay because we go to the same family practice and will lose our physician if he doesn't pay. He's had so many suicide threats and ambulance rides from his friends calling for help that I was recently sued for over $2000 in ambulance bills that he refused to pay because he's still on our health insurance.
EVERY TIME I put my foot down and said that things had to change, he would talk about how his life was "falling apart" and threaten suicide. One of these threats landed him in an inpatient psychiatric unit involuntarily and he was furious that I was so fed up that I refused to visit. "But who's going to bring me clothes?" Yesterday after finding the vehicle damage I said I was done with all of this, and he didn't come home. Then at 0100 I wake up to someone pounding on my door and I send my husband to answer it with his handgun because we live in an area where homelessness and meth addiction are prevalent. Turns out it was the police department escorting my son home "for safety" because after I put my foot down again he made suicide threats on Facebook (in a post I'm blocked from seeing) and a concerned friend called police. He breezed through the house and went straight to his room while we stood there bleary eyed and speechless.
This is exhausting. It's putting a huge strain on my marriage, I don't feel it's a safe environment for my 3-year-old to witness, and we're at a loss as to what to do. I'm being drained emotionally, physically, and financially. My husband and I are constantly on edge, wondering who's going to call and demand money for his debts. We've already decided to strip the plates from the vehicle and we've cancelled the cell phone as well as eliminated access to WiFi, but now what? I want this kid out of my house but he has zero way to support himself and in our state I'd have to move forward with a formal eviction. He's still sleeping comfortably in be at 10:30 a.m. while I'm having to take a day off work to deal with the aftermath of his crap. I need help.
