old member looking for advice


New Member
Hi everybody. I haven't posted for, I guess, 2 years. I still come to check you all out. I like to see how you all are doing, plus it is the kindest site I've encountered.

My (former I think) difficult child, went through an EGBS, had a good deal of issues including somatic disorders and trichotillomainia, but really pulled up after she was 20. I still think she is a wonderful girl and we have a good relationship. She is my stepdaughter.

My question to you is, she is asking us to bail her out of $$$ again. We are supportive, but she has dug a huge hole. She wrote an e-mail to her Dad, who has helped her out before, asking for his financial advice, before she files bankruptcy.

$11,000+ in credit card debt.

Dad is tougher than I with bailing her out, but he is still her Dad and it is really tough for him.

I've done a bunch of research and thinking and think she should file. Goes against every grain of my being...but what are the alternatives? Her family bails her out, yet again?

I don't really know what the way to go is here. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Oh, and she is a really good, hard, dependable worker. She works retail. Pretty much minimum wage. I wish she would sell on comission, but when I pushed her to do it she said she tried to sell jewlery at a famous chain jewler...and they were going to hire her...but she was on the credit list for being a dead beat. Sigh.



(the future) MRS. GERE
Elmo, this site looks like it has great advice.


As an ex-banker, I would encourage her to do whatever she can to avoid filing BK. In the old days it would follow her for something like 11 or 13 years---can't remember which now, but it's a very long time...particularly since she doesn't have a good reason for it.

I would also encourage her to sell whatever she can and use the proceeds of the sale to put down on this balance. The site mentions CCS, which, in the old days, used to be a good way to renegotiate bills and bill paying.



Active Member
my older son was 41,000 in credit card debt. he was advised by his lawyer to file bankruptcy and he did that a year ago. my son is 29.

his credit is fried for a while but he is working, saving money again. there was no way he could have paid that back.


New Member
Thank you, Suz. It is late here, but I'm going to check the site out and go to bed and think.

I guess I'm showing my age, but I think filing bankruptcy is such a rotten thing. We are quite detached from former difficult child's bad decisions, but this is such a bad move for her. And, we also know that she is manipulating us. Just sucks all the way around. We are proud of her for working, but she is still steering herself into the ditch with debt and bad choices in men. We are supportive, but detached.

Oh, well. Thanks. I'm going to check out the site.


New Member
Hi...thanks for taking the time to answer!

I think my daughter and your son have something in common.

After thinking about this, a lot...I think bankruptcy is the thing for her. There is NO way she can dig herself out of this hole. She already tried the credit counseling and bailed on that...so she either has to pay current balances or...??? I don't know. I naievly (sp) asked my husband if we could just advise her to call and negotiate payments, but he said it is so far past that...the debts have been sent to payment company things. Oh, I just don't even get how bad this is.

I don't want to fix this for her. I know we have done that 2 times before. I just want to help her deal with this so it doesn't happen again. Uggh.


Well-Known Member
Bankruptcy does not have the social stigma that it once did years ago. I filed many years ago due to being left holding the bag on some debt because I signed for a family member. It was very painful for me to go through.

Anyway, I know that the laws have changed recently. It does wreck your credit. No one will even consider her for anything credit wise for years. That may seem like a good thing now, but what about 5 or 7 years from now? It stays on your record for ten years. Now that employers, insurance, etc do a credit check, it may have an unintended impact.

She can negoiate with her creditors. They can reduce the debt. It will still effect her credit, but it will only be on there for seven years.

I would advise you not to bail her out. This is a lesson that will, unfortunately, have to be learned the very painful, hard, way. This will open up another opportunity for her to run up the credit cards again. And it might be a lot more than 11,000. I knew someone who did exactly that when her Dad bailed her out of 10,000 in debt. She had to file of BK for over 25,000 a year later because she lied about cutting up the credit cards.


New Member

Thank you for your reply.

No, we are not going to bail her out. I know my husband will not. It's just very hard. I feel for him more than her.


Active Member
Hi Elmo,

I remember you. :smile:

From an experienced "bailer" here my thoughts are to let your difficult child pull herself out of this...with some sound advice from mom and dad. If I'm not mistaken a bankruptcy is on a person's record for 7 years now. There are other ways such as legally setting up payments.

It is hard for us to stand back and watch them go through the pain but I have learned (after a very long time) that pain is an incredible teacher...teaches something we cannot.



New Member
Yeah my sisters hubby screwed things up for them, and I beleive they filed bankruptscy. The bank she wanted to work at as a teller said she would have to waite 5 yrs.

She is still yopuong, and may find someone in the future with good credit that she can settle down with. She will learn a lesson in the meantime, but still have a fuiture.


New Member
Hi Cookie, Hi Jen...

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Just talked to my husband and he said he would pay the amount due IF my former difficult child says she will give up her expensive apt and have a plan.

I already know where this is going. I don't blame my husband at all...I just don't think this is going to be helpful in the long run.

Looking at the positive side (what else can I do?) if he does pay off the minimum payments and she does get a grip....

Hmmmmm... that didn't even convince me. I'm still looking at that credit site that Suz gave. It is a good site for info, but taking me a while to go through.

Well, I have the entire afternoon to mull this over. If former difficult child tells her Dad that she just "can't" give up her expensive apartment, he will tell her he's out.

Maybe we haven't detached as much as I bragged about.


Well-Known Member
I am not sure about everywhere but I know that employers are
checking our credit for future employees....even young ones. The
thinking is "if they overspend then they are apt to be impulsive
and apt to steal".

by the way we were shocked to find that the bills that were not paid by
easy child/difficult children insurance are totally his responsibility as he was 18 at
the time of the brain surgery. I am an experience businesswoman
and salesperson. I was unable to convince the hospitals that since he is brain damaged and has been unable to work, that they
should at least put the bills on the back burner until he made
enough progress to meet a payment plan. NOT!

So he has "deadbeat" credit and one of the hospitals even suggested that he file bankrupcy. Yikes. We live in a rough
world. DDD


Active Member
11K might sound like alot, but it's really no different than a 60mo car payment.

It really doesn't sound like difficult child WANTS to change her spending habits.

Filing for bankrupcy would put a damper on her credit for a LONG time. difficult child's have a great way of never seeing the future but only the right now.

Consumer credit service used to be a corporation we would recommend to young folks who were caught with big spending habits.

Too many of these kids are trying to keep up with "The Jones's" and the Jones's are making way more than they are. Giving up that nice apartment, credit cards, eating out, name brand clothes and purses, pedicures, and whatever is more than they are willing to handle.


New Member
DDD, yep they check credit now for all jobs. My husband hires people and he says it and a drug test are the final things after everyone agrees to hire someone. I don't think our kids have any idea how messed up they are making their lives. Plus, now they Google you! So if you are a dum-dum and put a stupid picture on MySpace you won't get a job either.

Sunny, that is interesting about the fact that $11,000 is like a cheap car payment. Problem is, it is not so easy for my former difficult child. Plus she HAS a car payment like that.

I'm going to let husband take care of this and detach. I really appreciate everyone's help, here...I'll keep reading if there are more replies, but I'm going to let my temp login exprire.

Thanks, everyone.