OMG - I cant this - really

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Steely, Sep 15, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just heard that Matthew is doing horrible again. "Unmanageable" they say. Now they have him on a desert walk for possibly days at time as a consequence. This is sounding more and more like boot camp. I am freaking out. What if he dies in the desert. I know irrational. But I am going there anyway. I need my baby to be OK. What if he is being pushed beyond his mental and physical capacity.

    Maybe this is not the right fit for him.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I was supposed to have the day off so that I could research more options for over 18 - and tend to my nervous breakdown, but instead my counselor called to cancel, and another manager is having a nervous breakdown because her husband deployed yesterday, so they called me in to work. I am so over and out and beyond mentally fragile, and I feel cursed.

    I am sending Matthew good vibes and positive energy right now........he can do this, he will be OK. He can do this. Please some counselor reach him, and help him find himself, his peace. Protect him, and make sure he is getting enough water, and the physical & mental help he needs.

    Please god, please. Help me through this.
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2008
  2. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You both can do this. I know he has BiPolar (BP) but the power of our minds and bodies at times like this is amazing. Maybe he will have a breakthrough? You have to hang onto any positive... keep searching for options. Do not get stalled on the negative. Push through this, it is just a point in time. It will pass.

    Huge hugs and good thoughts
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2008
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You absolutely can do this. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mom who has earned her stripes. Don't get sidetracked. You knew this wasn't going to be a quick fix for Matt, and he is going to have his ups and downs. This is a down. If you give it enough time, there will be an up. He has to learn that you won't rescue him forever, and that he will make decisions about his behavior that are good and bad with appropriate consequences. This is a safe place to learn that.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Steely! I can't imagine going through this. You HAVE to trust your judgement to try this method with him. Keep in mind that everything you've done up until this point has only shielded him, it hasn't forced him to realize that he's the master of his own destiny.

    You know in your heart that you've banged your head against a wall trying to teach him "consequenses, consequenses, consequenses!"

    Go relieve the upset "nervous breakdown manager". Focus on something other than him. I know it's hard, but you've got to try to detach for a bit and allow him to mature. It's a rough time for him, but if he's 1/2 as strong as you've been over the past years, he'll be fine.

    I'm praying, praying and praying for you!

  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Steely, You CAN DO THIS! The facility will not let anything physical go wrong. They are trying to teach Matt that he must take responsibility for his actions. He is able to do things that he does not want to do or think is too hard to do. They know how far they can push him. They know what his challenges are.

    You have a strong and special bond with Matt. That is good for you but at this time, Matt has learned to use that bond to avoid responsibilities. He needs to find away to be an individual and still have that bond of closeness with you. Most kids cut their links to their parents as a way of declaring independence - they usually refind the bond when they are on their own. A few can keep that bond and still grow independent - Matt needs to figure that out - How can he grow up and still have that awesome loving bond with mom?

    I think he is so closely linked to your love for him that he is waiting for you to "rescue" him. He needs to learn that it is far healthier for him that he handle his own life now.

    Growing up is so hard!

    Would that facility have parent counceling - are you able to talk to staff who can help you through this? They should be encouraging you when they have negative reports. They may have a timeline by now that they think will be needed "This is common - we see a turn around in most cases _________ and in the extreme cases, that Matt seems to fit, it can take up to _______________"

    Sending hugs to both you and Matt.
  6. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Steely,
    I agree with the others--you can do this. No, it isn't easy--and I am sorry that the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) feels they need to tell you when he is doing badly. Please try not to get on the roller coaster of emotions with him so that when he is up you are up and when he is down so are you. I know it is much easier said than done, I struggle with it a lot! I too think he is expecting you to come rescue him. If he is unmanageable enough or has to do some really tough things maybe you'll save him. I know that is what my dtr expected while at her Residential Treatment Center (RTC)--took 3 months til she understood I really was not coming to rescue her no matter how much she acted out or how much she cried on the phone about being miserable. It was one of the toughest things I had to do. In our case at least the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) warned us about this and also let us know that they could handle whatever she threw their way.

    You have been through so much, my heart goes out to you...

  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think it is a good sign that they are telling you when Matt is doing badly. They aren't sending him off into a forced hike through the desert without your knowledge. It's a part of the program that you are aware of and you are in touch with them as to what is proceeding. If you found out four months down the line that this had happened, I would be more concerned.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just wanted to add support. I agree with the others- but I do wonder- did they put him back on his correct dosage of medications? I would be concerned if MS's were suddenly stopped and he's getting punished like this because he got unstable. What did they think would happen. But maybe I missed it or forgot- maybe he is in on good medications. If that's so- just hang on and hang in there- I know he went in as your boy, but maybe he'll come out as a man!!
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2008
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Steely, my daughter was in the mountains. She had the joy of moving rocks from one pile to another over and over and over. My beautiful, fragile was doing hard, manual labor! Labor that they had convicts do in the '20s but was declared cruel and unusual punishment! Did I want to rescue her? You better believe I did. BUT I DIDN'T. Not because I didn't love her but because I did.

    She needed to succeed. She needed to see that there were consequences for her behavior. I sent her to her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because she was out of control, violent, stealing, running away. Matt is violent -- far more violent and dangerous than my daughter was.

    You did your research. You thought this was a good fit for Matt. Let them work their magic as long as they can. Work on finding a way to allow him to stay there or to move him to another facility. Do not rescue him. Do not try to save him from his consequences. He needs to learn that you won't do that. He needs to know you will be there for him for support, to say the soothing words but not to save him from himself. He needs to learn how to do that himself.
  10. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Sending good thoughts and many (((((((hugs)))))).
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Continuing to pray daily! ((((hugs))))
  12. ML

    ML Guest

    One of the things I am learning in my recovery program is that my son has his own higher power and it's not me. It's a balancing act and letting them go is hardest thing we'll ever have to endure in this lifetime I am sure.

    You are doing the right thing. I know it's hard but it's time for you to take a leap of faith and detach for a little while.

    I'm thinking of you. Hugs xoxoxo ML
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Steely, just remember that however Matt is doing - is his choice entirely. He can choose how well he does there.
    Don't worry about him so much. He is capable of taking care of himself. He will be OK.

    Start worrying about you and what you can do to help yourself cope.

  14. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I can't say it any better than it's already been said.

  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't want to hi-jack Steeley,s thread, but I like this ML:

    I think I'm going to start introducing that concept to my son because I see it as a statement that can help him come to an understanding, too!
  16. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Steely, others before me have already expressed it beautifully. I will only add that I'm saying prayers and sending many hugs. You CAN do this.
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Steely, DON'T charge to the rescue. You have done it too many times before - that could be why he is misbehaving now, to find one way or another to get his mother to come in and take him away from all this.

    Have you ever watched those boot camp programs on TV? Seen the interviews with the parents? Boot camp is not just for the kids, it's for the parents too. And not just for respite - ALL involved have to learn different, better, ways to interact.

    Your son is almost an adult. That means that his bad behaviour HAS to change, or he could find himself behind bars in prison. Not good - it does tend to cut back on his options to be President eventually, for example.

    Your behaviour has to change. One minute you're afraid of him because of the way he attacked you, the next you want to drive down and rescue him, to bring him back home, then you miss him because he's so far away (and refer to him as your baby, etc) then you are seeing more balance and stepping back.

    It's okay. You ARE a loving mother, you DO care about your son, but you have to let him face his own responsibilities at last. You don't have to demonstrate to the rest of the world how much you love your son. You don't have to feel guilty for shoving him away from you when he hurt you - you sent him into a place of healing.

    Steely, they won't let him die in the desert. It's very bad for PR, to begin with.

    He needs to change. Therefore you also need to change, in order to be able to adapt to the man they eventually send back to you. You CANNOT react the way you have been doing, until now. Your responses need to be considered, clear-headed, balanced and unemotional. I know this isn't easy when you're still so very traumatised by what you have been through, especially in the last year. He has also been badly hurt by all of tis too, as you have shared with us.

    So leave him where he is, as long as you can (here's hoping they bend the "he's over 18" rule when the time comes). And in the meantime, see to your own healing, on as many fronts as you can.

    He has a job to do.

    So do you. If you feel it's too much for you - that would be understandable. So reach out for professional help, and take control back in your life. You have been too long without it, and you need to have the strength to grab the steering wheel again. And to also have the sense of direction to find it.

    I have been there, done that. Not with exactly your circumstances - but there have been times in my life when I felt so out of control, I could not find the way out and knew I was in too-deep water. I needed help to find which direction to go, so I could finally get within reach of controls again. It can be scary to grab control back, but it also was very healing once I forced myself to keep my grip tight.

    Hang in there. Be strong. You are now the mother of an adult.

  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I don't understand. How can I break free, and let him grow up, when the camp is telling me that he is too unmanageable and I will have to be the one to find him a new placement. Tell me how to break free and let him go when his medications are still all jacked up, and there is no dr on staff there. Tell me how to just ignore all of this when I am still the one that has to find him a placement. Tell me how to break free when he functions like a 14 year old, and any morale individual would see fit to find someone to act as an advocate on his behalf.

    I am trying to reach out to you all, and I understand that I have to let him be a man..........I GET IT. I get it is his choice to do what he is doing. I get it. But that leaves me no where. His own choices get him kicked out of another placement, and than what. Should I let him walk for miles down a deserted highway and hope he sees some lights?

    This happened the last time I posted about this, and I got all the same responses. And I understand them - but I do not see how they are realistic. If the camp discharges him he is in the middle of the mountains - someone has to take him somewhere.

    And I don't know if you understand how afraid I am of him dying. It is compulsively stuck in my head, because he was improperly restrained at a school once when he was 10, and asphyxiated, and almost died.

    I mean, I guess I don't really feel like you guys are listening to me. I really do get that I am supposed to detach. And I guess I get kind of tired of hearing that over and over when I post about Matthew. I get it. And I am trying. But do you guys get me? And what I am trying to say?

    For the first time on this board, I feel like some of you guys are not hearing me. You are assuming I want to rescue him. I don't. I am not taking him back home, I never even said that. I just don't know what to do with him. If he is doing horrible at the camp, that means I have to do something, and get him somewhere, and that is the part I cannot take. That is what I posted about!

    I really hope I can still post here and not be lectured about "breaking free" and being told I should "not worry" he is a man, or nothing will happen to him because it is bad PR". Are you kidding? Kids die all the time in bad placements! For God's sake, my sister just died and no one even knows why. People die!

    This is the second time I feel like I have gotten the detachment lecture, and kind of the pat on the head from CD, and now I am not sure I even want to post here anymore. I have always loved this board because everyone seemed to always understand and empathize. Now, I just am confused by most people's standard responses.
  19. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am sorry Steely. I did not realize the camp was talking about discharging because of his behaviour. All I heard is what they were having him do to try to reach him. What exactly did the facility say? Did they give a time line for this?

    Now I do understand, you are asking what the next step is if the camp does decide to discharge him without the goals of admission being met.

    In your search for this camp, did you come across other options?

    I know that his age is a concern that once he is 18, adolescent facilities will not take him so you may need to start looking at adult facilities.

    If his medications are still off, then that would be the first step. Find a psychiatrist who will get those back on track. Will the camp allow him day passes for medication checks? Can you request that he get the evaluation needed to provide the proper medications? Once his medications are right, they can continue their treatment plan?

    What ever happened to the discontinued medication situation? Is he back on any medications? You are correct that if the medications did not get set straight then the camp is not dealing with who they think they are.

    Again, I am sorry I misunderstood. I did not know you were facing his being discharged any day now with no goals accomplished and no place to go. I was giving advise to help you get through the camp.

    Please don't give up on us. We really do care and are trying to give support.

    I will continue to pray that he buys into this program so that you do not need to face the "what if" but I know you need to prepare for it if the camp is telling you to.
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sorry you feel so hurt, Steely. I think some of us just don't want to see you continuiing to grieve yourself to death. Quite frankly, I would be worried to death if it were my son. If I really thought he needed to be there, I would try with everything in me to do just what you have been doing, but if they can't keep him there, then you have no other choice but to do something, I think. See, I just know how all that works enough to be able to give you good advice. At this point in time, do you still have legal authority/responsibility of him? I get that you will always have some moral responsibility to advocate, support, or kick his rear when need be, but legally, can you admit him to another place? Can you pick him up and make him go into a psychiatric hospital or anywhere at this point?


    PS- I have tried to keep away from too much detail because I apparently missed some detail of how this transpired to begin with. It would help me, although I realize you have more important things to worry about than me, if I knew how it went from him being stable and doing well for a long period of time, to him becoming manic (?) or depressed and talking suicide and raging and pushing you down- and I don't even know how much of that I'm missing- and the next thing I picked up on, he's at a ranch in Utah. I honestly do not know what I would do in your shoes.