One last appalling post about 35. I will then give you all a rest.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Oct 7, 2013.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sunday he called me up and told me he was going to Urgent Care because his stomach is mush and hurts a lot. I figured he had irritable bowel syndrome and didn't worry about it.

    The next day, 35 calls me up and tells me not to tell his father, my ex, but that he lied to him and told him that he has an ulcer. Ex is allegedly mortified and so sympathetic and now is willing to not only keep paying for his legal bills for the lawsuit he won't win, but is going to pay for psychiatric care. Yes, 35 needs it, but ex would not have offered if not for the ulcer lie. Ex even feels like it is somehow his fault. He is going to drive down to be with 35 a few times before the hearing. He had not planned on this. What am I going to do since I know it's not an ulcer? A big fat nothing.

    Why, you ask.

    1/I have warned ex not to give out so much money to 35 and he never listens, although he grumbles about it a lot.

    2/I am not up for a confrontation and fight with 35 who has uttered threats to me. I really don't think he'd carry t hem out, but does anyone think their kid will carry them out? I'm afraid to intervene.

    3/It's really between him and his father, who I am no longer married to. And 35 is darn lucky I'm not still married to him because I would have a fit if I was married to a guy who is squandering so much of his money to 35, who is not even nice to him unless he wants something.

    On top of all that, ex has enough money and will not starve and 35 desperately needs to see a shrink. Yes, I'm horrible, but that is the way it is. Please don't moralize. It won't help. My mind is made up. Ex should know better than to trust a pathological liar and should ask for proof from the doctor rather than taking 35 on his word.

    I feel terrible for ex. He is 66 and has had a metabolic disorder that is very serious since age 27. He has no adrenal glands or thyroid, is diabetic and weighs maybe 100 lbs. He doesn't need the stress. But it is his decision too.

    I am using de-stress techniques from my mindfulness works and am meditating and working out even harder (I have literally gone from 162 to 117 from April-now. It's nice to be thinner, but part of that is not eating much because of stress and working out double hard because of stress). I guess that's the one silver lining to this plus the fact that I have consistently kept up my ability to enjoy my other kids, my sweet husband, my wonderful dogs, my activities and hobbies.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    No judgment, I think you're doing what is right for YOU and YOU are the one I am worried about.
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Hey, don't sweat on it. Not your responsibility and you are not lying to anyone.

    And heck, if my kid was in need of psychiatric treatment and only way to get an access would be lying and using kid's father's cash after deceiving him I would not guarantee I wouldn't be the one doing the lying myself.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Of course you're going to do nothing.
    What benefit would there be to telling?
    Ex isn't going to believe you.
    35 is going to get upset or worse toward you for telling.
    Telling will not get him more or better treatment options.

    In "kid" terms, in this case, telling would get all kids of people into trouble... and nobody out of trouble. You aren't going to make any positive difference to ex, to 35, or to yourself. You don't tell.

    On top of that, you haven't been asked. Keep your nose out of it. (JMO, of course)
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    It's not your issue to do anything about! It is 35's and ex's. Let them figure it out.
  6. Dancerat

    Dancerat Member

    Dear MWM,

    I think you are going down the same path decisions on this that I have decided to go down with difficult child's personal drama. I'm done with self sacrifice to be a better parent. At 20, I am done. My son keeps screwing up and sometimes I do nothing about it, because on that particular day, it would cause me too much stress to deal with it. Why should I sacrifice my personal peace and happiness for a day to get into power struggles, grief and arguments and drama to try and enforce rules? I've decided that if its going to cause this, I'm just going to ignore difficult child and his issues until I can choose my battlefield time. I just disengage and don't even think about it.

    In your particular case, I think disengaging is the best way to handle this. It's not personally affecting you financially or timewise, just emotionally, and that can be compartmentalized.

    On another note, I'm sorry you have to go through the stress diet, but I bet you look amazing. I'd love to be able to lose weight. I was always 127 until I hit 45 and then something happened and now I am at 174 (SUCKS!) and sadly, it's not thyroid.
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I am going to begin a consciously undertaken de-stress program, too. I'm really pleased that you have already taken these measures, and that they are working. That is what we need to do. I do, for sure.

    I think you have made the right decision regarding 35's medical needs. For all you know, 35 is not telling you the truth. Maybe, just wanted to start a little psychological drama for you? He had to know you would feel badly when confronted with the situation he presented.

    Holding a good thought for you, MWM. At least 35 will receive the help he needs, now.

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks to all. Oh, difficult child is telling the truth. I blush to think of the lies he has told ex through the years. I think he'd do the same to me, but I wouldn't buy his lies. I'd ask for proof.

    difficult child used to work for a really nutty man (not that difficult child is normal, but this man never let anyone take off work even for illness or he'd fire you. The only legitimate excuse he'd accept was if it was a family issue. He was very (cough) pro-family. His twin sons, ages 26, lived at home and he paid all their bills and bragged about it and always talked about how he lived with his mother until he was forty!!!) Anyhow, the only way 35 could get a day off was for an emergency with a family member thus he told his boss that his father, my ex who is paying his bills, died. Yep, he said his father died and he had to take a few days off. Something very morbid about this, no?

    Ex actually called ME about this For some reason, 35 had to tell his father that he told his boss that he was dead. I think he had to make sure his father didn't visit him at work...lolol.

    Guys, I'm not doing THAT well. But I'm learning. I think meditation, mindfulness training, and redirection are good methods of getting things off your mind. LOL, I'm wishing for the good ole days when he thought he was happily married and barely talked to me for ten years...lolol. It's insane with difficult children. Who dreams of the good old days when you never heard from your kid...lolol. That's where I'm at.
  9. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Just checking in. Wanted you to know I am reading along, MWM.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Cedar. Very much appreciated.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member


    Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. You're not horrible. You're wonderful for allowing this to happen. Your ex is wealthy and your difficult child needs help. Your ex's health makes it even more imperative that difficult child gets help. Otherwise when ex dies and leaves difficult child a chunk of money he'll binge himself to death.

    The only thing that I would do different - or more accurately "beyond" - what you've done is explain to difficult child that are are not going to tell his dad about the lie because you know how much difficult child needs the help and that you intend to compound difficult child's lie should it ever be thrown in your face by saying "I have no clue what you're talking about. I thought you had an ulcer." Be sure to explain that you'll never lie for him again for any reason, because lies are obviously a big part of his problem.
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I agree!!!! He needs help and the father has the money - win win. Stinks that out is brought about by a lie but hey, hopefully the outcome will be well worth it!!