One more adventure for difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Apr 8, 2013.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    difficult child leaves a week from tomorrow. He's scheduled to fly from Newark to Phoenix and then Pheonix to Salt Lake City. He has 45 min to make his connecting flight in Phoenix and I'm most nervous about that part. The airline knows he may need help and they have it noted on his ticket so I hope that helps. I will call the airline again to make sure they know he has some disabilities and needs help finding the connection. Ugggh - I just really want this to go as smoothly as possible. I'm expecting the worst but praying for the best!

    Anyway - before difficult child leaves he gets to have one more "adventure" here in NJ. The OTA was putting him up in a motel while he waited for the bed at Safe Haven to open. Well the bed opened Friday. Although they are aware of difficult child's plan to go to Idaho next Tues the OTA has decided not to renew the motel. difficult child is being taken to the Safe Haven for 7 days tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. While I'm glad he won't be on the streets I'm anxious about him being moved yet again into yet another new situation. He seems fine with it since he's "bored" at the motel (my God!!!) but I'm a nervous wreck. I just can't wait for him to get to my dad and be able to settle down.

    I am on full anxiety high alert and I know I won't be able to relax at all until this is over and he lands safely in SLC next Tues. From there he'll take a bus up to Idaho Falls where my dad will pick him up but that's minor compared to flying across country alone. Ugh! But I know he can do it - he's proven that he's smart and resourceful - and I know this is the beginning of a new start for him. I'm just so nervous that something will happen along the way.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a ride you've been on lately JKF, a roller coaster for sure. Perhaps in the next week, designate at least a few minutes a day where you can take a few deep breaths and stop the relentless worry, just for a little while. I know it's hard. My suggestion to you is that once he is with his grandpa and safely tucked in his new life, you take a spa day, go make an appointment to have a massage, a facial, whatever soothes you and relaxes you...........lets hope this is the last of the big dramas and you can once again get back to your joyful, peaceful self. (((HUGS)))
  3. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

    Stay in touch with your dad about the weather - if you've lived around here at all, you know that those spring rains coming out of the PNW can be dreary days, or intense-short duration blizzards. :) Colorado just had one yesterday, and it swung through here too. Tomorrow's supposed to be in the 70's, but right now the mountains around our valley are all white. :)

    I'm in the part of NV that's closer to Idaho than Vegas, and I'm a little envious of your dad's drive. Gorgeous scenery! And best of everything to y'all.
  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    RE: I can't wait to have a "me" day next week once this is all over and everything is said and done. I'm a total mess and I need this to end. I feel like I'm going insane. I feel like since he's returned I've gotten tangled up in this whole thing again 10 fold. It's so much harder to detach when your child is *right there* in front of you deteriorating. It was much easier when he was in PA and I didn't have to see him so often.

    I'm trying not to worry but I'm having extreme anxiety over all of the "what ifs" that may or may not happen during his trip. So first, "what if " difficult child loses his ID before he leaves next week? I know he definitely has one bc he showed it to me but he gets really agitated when I ask to hold onto it until the flight. Uggghh! Next, difficult child is a little on the heavy side at moment. His weight fluctuates but he hasn't been eating properly and has a tendency to binge eat. Although homeless, he still finds a way to do that. Definitely has gained some weight over the last couple of years. So "what if" he doesn't fit in the plane seat? (I *think* he will but he may need a seat belt extender). "What if" he misses his connection in Phoenix? "What if" he can't find his bus once in SLC? Ugggh! I am seriously freaking out.

    He was taken to Safe Haven today and will stay there until his trip next Tues. I hope he stays out of trouble. "What if" he steals? "What if" he gets kicked out?

    These "what ifs" are seriously driving me nuts and I literally can't stop obsessing. Usually I can calm myself down but I'm at the point of no return right now.
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2013
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Awww, JKF, I've done that kind of catastrophizing too, it comes with the challenges of mothering our kids and it is so stressful, I hear you. I understand you will be doing this to some degree for awhile, but you might consider interrupting those thoughts in various ways........go to the gym, take a walk, do yoga, meditate, get an acupuncture appointment, take a bath, get that massage today and one method I know that can work for shifting the thinking is when you are in the midst of the worry thoughts, think of things you are grateful for, make a mental list of gratitude, that shifts you into a different brain pattern and begins to create some calm. You may have to do it a number of times, but it can help.

    If any of the what if's do actually occur, you know you can handle them when it happens. Right now, in this moment, he is okay.

    As always, I wish you peace and send gentle hugs your way............
  6. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Ugggghhh just found out there might be a problem with difficult child's probation. He's on ARD probation in PA for the theft charges and owes a hefty fine. He hasn't paid any of it so they might not ok him to leave NJ. They allowed him to come back to NJ bc he was supposedly threatened by gang members but they may not allow him to go to Idaho.

    He's at Safe Haven and can stay there if this Idaho plan doesn't work out right now. And you know what - I'm ok with that. Yes - I purchased a ticket already but it was only $126.00 so if he can't go and I have to take a loss than so be it.

    difficult child is furious. It's everyone else's fault but his. The probation officer never picks up the phone, he was homeless, he has no money, etc. Also he's bored, he hates NJ, he has nothing to do here. OMG!! I reminded him gently that he committed the crime and this is a part of the consequences so if they deny his request he has to stay. He didn't like that at all. I suggested that he try to call the PO tomorrow and I will do the same. They may grant him a transfer bc it's a great opportunity but if not it is what it is and he has to deal with the repercussions of HIS bad choices.

    If he has to stay here he needs to comply with the shelter rules and take medications and get counseling. If not he's on his own. I have to stop this enabling pattern that I've fallen into again RIGHT NOW! I can't keep doing this to myself and my family.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, another fly in the ointment, but you sound okay JKF, you don't sound tied up in knots, you sound resolved, calm and determined to stop worrying about him. You've done an amazing job of providing him with options. He has only himself to blame for this snafu and he is in a shelter now, so he is safe, for the moment. And if he makes other bad choices, there is nothing you can do. Maybe he can work towards going to Idaho, get a job, pay back what he owes, do the right thing and leave on good terms instead of running out of town........ It's time to let go and accept what've done a wonderful job throughout, it's time to focus on you now.........hugs to you............
  8. JKF - I totally understand the awfulizing and catastrophizing thinking that we can get wrapped up in. It is so hard.

    I hope things work out for difficult child and he can go to Idaho as planned but if not then I hope he realizes that the result is a natural consequence of his own actions. They always seem to blame others.

    I think you have done a great job of trying to help your difficult child and remaining somewhat detached at the same time. It is such a fine line and so difficult to balance. Especially with a difficult child because they seem to take advantage of kindness and help and manipulate it into more than it should be.

    *Crossing my fingers that the PO gives you the answer you want to hear today and that difficult child can hold himself together to stay at Safe Haven for the time being.
  9. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Well difficult child talked to the PO and he said he can go - IF he pays $695 first. So it looks like difficult child is not going right now. Sigh - it is what it is. I mean to me it doesn't make sense - here's a homeless kid in a shelter with no job and no resources and he has an opportunity to go start a new life and make money to pay his fines but he can't go. I guess it's just the way the "system" works. Such a shame.

    difficult child is not taking this well. He hung up on me after I told him I'm sorry but I don't have that kind of money. I know he's disappointed and so am I, but this is one of the consequences he has to deal with due to his bad choices and decisions.

    He can still go to Idaho someday but for now the plan is on hold. In the meantime MHA is going to make sure he starts taking his medications again and help him apply for benefits and disability, etc. I'm sure that he's going to have a hard time dealing with this but at least at Safe Haven there are counselors and support for him.
  10. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    One idea, don't know if you think it's appropriate:

    If you tell grandpa about this situation, and the money involved, do you think he would advance the $ and make difficult child work it off in labor, etc.? If you think that's a possibility, and you think that Idaho is a better environment, maybe that could be worked out.
    However, if you think there's a good chance that difficult child will go to Idaho and mess up with-grandpa and leave him high and dry or do something to really upset your dad, then I'd just as soon leave difficult child at Safe Haven.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    You know CJ - that thought did cross my mind but I really think that difficult child needs to stay at Safe Haven and work hard to pay that fine himself. He needs to realize and understand that this is his responsibility due to his actions and if he wants to go to Idaho bad enough he'll have to work hard and take care of his fines. I honestly feel that if the fine is paid FOR him he'll think he "got away with it" and I can't see him working hard to pay anyone back if that happens.

    So at least here he's in Safe Haven and it will be a condition of his probation that he remain there, get counseling, take medications, and comply. If he doesn't want to do that it's on him. I just can't do anymore to help. I've reached the end of my rope and I need to climb back up to where I was before I allowed this to take over my life again. I know I jumped the gun when I agreed to the Idaho plan and bought the ticket but it was more out of desperation because he was on the streets with nowhere to go. I'll be taking $127 loss for the plane ticket but it is what it is.
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you are making a wise choice to allow difficult child to own up to his past mistakes, pay for them, get his life in order and then get what he wants. You stepping aside is a very healthy move, you've done all you can do. I think it's much easier to detach when you feel that way, you know you've turned over every rock and now you're done. I felt that way too, I did EVERYTHING I could and then one day, I was just finished, but not from anger or frustration, it was from the knowledge, deep in my heart that I had done all I could for my child, and now she really was on her own. I had to reach that point within myself and then, I was free of it. Not to say all the worry went away, it didn't, I still work on it, but not so much anymore, slowly after that moment of clarity that I had reached the end, it all got a lot better, it all got easier and my worry level just decreased and decreased until it is almost gone. I use all the tools I've shared with you, gratitude, sending love, deep breathing, acupuncture, exercise, prayer,'s all about self care, the focus is on me and that made all the difference.

    I salute you JKF, you are a phenomenal warrior Mom with a soft and loving heart whose learned a great lesson in acceptance. Go have that massage! (((HUGS)))
  13. Well, he didn't get a NO from the PO, he got a yes with a condition - that he pay his fine. So, he is delayed a little bit but he can still do it if he really wants it.

    Now it is time for difficult child to do some footwork and take care of his business so he can get what he wants.

    I also think you made a wise choice and I hope that once he calms down that difficult child will see it too. It is a natural consequence for his past behaviour and now he has to deal with it, walk through it and come out the other side.

    I'm with RE - time for that massage, hot bath, glass of wine - all of the above. :)
  14. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Omg so this just keeps getting better and better. The case worker at the MHA called. Apparently there is a problem with difficult child staying at Safe Haven past Tuesday bc they slotted the bed for someone else since he was originally going to leave for Idaho. He may wind up back out on the streets!! The caseworker and her supervisor were both extremely rude to me. I fought back and said we had a housing plan in place (plane ticket and all!) and it fell through bc his probation officer said he can't leave the state!! How is that MY fault??? They asked why I can't support him and why I wont pay his fines? What??? My god! This is f'ing nuts!!! He has to refile for general assistance bc he missed one appointment and that may take up to a month so he may go back to the streets if they don't figure something out. She demanded that I get his medical history together ASAP and fax it to them so they can dispute his SSDI rejection. Ok no problem but the lady was basically yelling at me.

    I was hysterically crying before after i hung up but now I'm pis*ed! Big time!
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Well... put this in the "stupid idea" category... but... if the streets is the only option being provided by MHA... can the PO put him in jail for not paying his fines? would that be better than the street?
  16. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    IC - here's the thing. He's not technically behind enough to be in violation. He's ordered to pay $40 per month and is one month behind. He has to be behind for 3 months in order to have a violation. They want $995 (not $695 like I originally thought!!) as a cushion bc Idaho is so far away and if anything happens it would be hard for them to "go get him".

    The MHA thing is not set in stone. Im not sure if they can really make him leave since this is not his fault. I will be fighting back on this one 100%. I'm going to call the PO tomorrow again to see if he has any suggestions since difficult child's housing is now in jeopardy. Perhaps he has a suggestion or maybe can work something out so difficult child can go. If not there are other organizations I can call. Actually I will do that anyway.

  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The old "too good to get help" and "too bad to not get help" conundrum.
    We (warrior moms) have been there 1000 different ways.
  18. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

    Boy am I angry for you. I had this whole mental conversation on the phone and was about to share it with you - but realized you are stressed enough that "angry funny" is more likely to get you crying more. So all I can give you is empathy.

    Stupid (anti-)social worker. Sometimes I wish I could get someone like that to yell at on a bad day.
  19. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Ummm nerf? I'd be more than happy to give you her number!! Lol

    And I'm always up for funny of any kind so don't hold back. I was only crying before out of complete and total frustration but now I'm furious! I'm back in "fighting mode". Tomorrow I will be on the phone with everyone I can call including the state mental health division.

    The MHA supervisor was such a b**ch to me. I still cant believe it! Yes - I realize the housing plan fell through. If it was up to me he'd be out there with my dad. Trust me! But even if I wanted to, I don't have the money to pay his fine and neither does he so he's stuck here. I can't imagine how they would put him back on the streets because of that. I don't think they will. However, what I do think they will do is find any reason to get rid of him at this point. She specifically said make sure he follows the rules and told me she thinks he won't make it there due to how strict they are and that if he gets kicked out he'll be back on the streets. Sounded like a threat from her snotty tone.
  20. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Well it's morning - my least favorite time of day for many reasons. I wake up literally sick to my stomach every morning knowing that the battle will continue.

    I barely sleep anymore. Even with the Ambien. I have such weird, disturbing dreams riddled by the presence of difficult child and my mom who passed away 8 years ago. I don't always remember the exact dreams when I wake but I do remember bits. I'm so exhausted yet my heart is pounding out of my chest so even a half hour more of sleep is impossible.

    Not sure where to start today. I'm guess I'm going to start getting difficult child's medical records together like the MHA asked. I just don't know anymore.

    Uggggh time to go be sick and start my never ending day of hell all over again.