Opinions on role model parents

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, May 8, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I often wonder why husband is the way he is. Alway taking difficult child's side, doing anything and everything for difficult child even if he should be punished. I don't seem to exist, now going on 13 years. I bet he slept on the couch the first 5 years of difficult child's life, "in case he woke up". He is a finatic about germs. easy child and difficult child have to wash their hands everytime they touch things. He has hand wipes everywhere.
    Anyway, I grew up in a home with two parents, we were active in sports, summers on the water beach home. Siblings are much older though.
    He came from a big city. Father was abusive. mother left when he was three, doesn't remember her. He remembers hiding under the bed so his father wouldn't beat him. Father was an alcoholic and died in a one car accident when he was a young teen.(pre-teen) Had no family, bounced around from friends homes to friends homes.
    Do you think because he never had parents that could be a reason why the two of us cannot seem to get on the same page? But things were so wonderful before his son (difficult child) was born. His only child and he was 42 when difficult child was born.
    Just another usual morning, trying to talk but seems like talking to the wall. And he is NEVER wrong. Just want to know why he can tell difficult child he loves him ten times a day, but I haven't heard it in about ten years. :crying:
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Playing amateur psychiatric. it sounds to me like your husband doesn't know how to relate to women...lost a relationship comparison when his mother left. Sounds like there were no other females around in his teen/preteen years. He most likely developed relationships with males by staying with them and perhaps learned a little trust after father was gone. He can relate to males, but not females. Did he ever have a female friend he talked about? (Not thinking prior girlfriends, but mother of friends he was staying with, etc.) Never having a mother (in my opinion) can cause big gaps in relationship forming. Since you can't go back and give him a mother, it may be up to you to patiently lead him into a parental role. You will have to tell him how to form a fatherly relationship rather than a "buddy" one. It is a common fault in parenting, that he wants to be thought of as a friend rather than an authoritarian parent. You will have to bring him along as a husband also. Sounds like a big job, but not impossible. These are just my ramblings, but hope you can take the time to sit down and express both (yours, his) feelings to each other and find some middle ground.
  3. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I just feel like I am parenting TWO difficult child's. My husband and my child. Seems like a constant battle, especially when they play each other on me. He did mention a friends mother very fondly. but she died. When my mother got sick,20 years ago he said that everyone he has ever cared about has died. he also told me long ago that he never wanted children because he didn't want to do to his child what his father did to him. He never ever told me about his childhood, he feels it is none of my business. A friend of his did when we visited his home town. He only once told me how scarey it is when adults drink and yell. How he remembered hiding under the bed when he was only 3. neither he nor I drink. I did have my days,,,,back in the days. I prefer coke.
  4. mattsmom27

    mattsmom27 Active Member

    I definitly am a believer in the interactions you do or don't see as a child helping form the adult you become, especially in relationships. The older I became as a child, the less love there was. It came to a point that probably from age 8 to when I started having boyfriends in my teen years I literally never once heard "I love you" and never once had a hug. Not a single one. I really struggled for a lot of my adult years. I wanted to hear "I love you" but when I did I didn't believe the words to be true. It took a long time for me to use those words with adults. Physical affection like hugging was also a huge struggle for me. I craved human contact but cringed from it at the same time. Until I had difficult child when I was 18. I have never struggled with saying I love you or hugging etc with my kids. I knew the day I learned I was pregnant that my child was going to know and feel and experience love to it's fullest. It was adult relationships that were a struggle for me. It was only when I realized I was truly deserving and worthy of love and affection myself that I could accept it and share it in adult relationships (partners, family, friends).
    I get so sad when I hear of men going through similar situations because I truly believe that many men struggle much harder than women to deal with issues like this. And inside they pick loving women because they want love so bad, but they can't always find a way to be an active participant in it. I hope that your husband finds his way to the truth of himself one day. It isn't easy. Not that it makes it any easier for you personally to live without what you want and need. Just a perspective from me really.

  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I would highly commend your husband for breaking the cycle of abuse. It is not easy when that is what you consider normal. It sounds like he has not gone there at all, but does need some parenting tips....does he talk to other fathers? Don't know that necessarily getting him to talk about his childhood is needed, but he needs to see what effective parenting is....he has no comparison, so is literally flying by the seat of his pants....

    Yep, its no fun being the only "parent" in the family, but in the end your children do respect the authoritarian, since in most situations they will need to learn there are lines they can't cross and they can't always do it their way....

    Good luck with "retraining".....