while we were trying to get rid of the diaper, he used to play with his stool.
That's not necessarily abnormal, although sometimes we feel a bit concerned by it. easy child as a baby once painted the inside of her crib with the contents of her nappy.
Thank you for the detail in his early problems. Yes, the relationship break-up has to be considered, but sometimes it's easy to blame everything on that and not consider a possible coexisting problem. Similarly, it's easy to blame something else when it could just be the break-up.
In this case, though, pen grip is mentioned as being a problem - that isn't the relationship's fault.
Your description of the behaviours - I am amazed that Asperger's has been ruled out and would want to know why, since there seem to be very many hallmarks of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some form. I have noted that sometimes some specialists have very fixed ideas on what constitutes Asperger's or autism, and these fixed ideas are often very inflexible (I guess! - they ARE fixed ideas!) and also differ from the way others are diagnosing it. Asperger's is still very subjective in how it is diagnosed. For example, I am in Australia and my kids have been diagnosed through a slightly different process. In the US, difficult child 3 might get a diagnosis of Asperger's rather than autism, because some specialists see Asperger's as the correct label for ALL high-functioning autistics. I've even had specialists here describe difficult child 3 as Aspie, because he can talk. In other words, if he has language, he's Aspie. But he was diagnosed when his language was very disordered, which means by that logic the diagnosis changed once he acquired language. This goes against most understanding of autism, which is that it is for life. However, the diagnosis doesn't mean that the person can't learn to adapt and pass as 'normal'. But when they do, they still need to be given credit for the constant effort they have to put in, in order to cope and seem to be fine.
Back to your son - think about how the world must seem to him, from his point of view. I can't say what is really going on in his head, but I can guess and hopefully get close. The poor eye contact - sometimes it's because they don't understand the visual cues from the face and find looking at a face distracts them from what the person is saying. Sometimes it's a control thing - they find looking at a face a bit confronting and a bit scary, because the other person is looking back. I remember as a young child, being scared of a friend of my mother's because the lady had thick, dark eyebrows and silver hair - the contrast made her seem to have a cranky expression and I was scared she was cross with me. But if I didn't look at her, I was more comfortable with her talking to me. Despite this, looking back and even with modern diagnostic guidelines, I don't think I would have got an Aspie diagnosis. I might have come close, though. I'm sure I had Aspie traits.
Back to your son again. Other issues - I'm sure he has some sensory problems, from what you describe.
At 2-3 years old he was having very long-drawn-out tantrums. Unusual because at that age kids tend to not hold on to things for very long. But in Asperger's, and also in otherwise normal but very bright kids, they are capable of holding attention for a very long time, on something important to them. The brighter the kid, the more likely it is for them to have something they want very much and to feel injustice keenly. What they perceive as injustice, that is. If the tantrum is about something they feel they have a right to, and you haven't explained you reasoning (thinking, as most adults do, that you can't reason with a child of that age - and often you're right) then you get the long, noisy, upsetting tantrum. Oh, yes. We went through with when easy child 2/difficult child 2 was about 10 months old. She WOULD NOT have her afternoon nap but instead would sit there and scream in rage at having been put in the crib. I had put her in the crib because I could see she was tired, rubbing her eyes and yawning. She needed a nap. But she didn't know how to sleep and got so enraged that she couldn't sleep. She would be falling asleep while raging, sitting there with eyes shut and swaying but mouth still open and screaming. Then she would fall asleep sitting up, fall over and wake as her head hit the pillow. The screaming would then begin again and we had to go through this over and over.
I tell you this to explain - sometimes the tantrum can't be avoided, especially if the child is too young to understand an explanation (or to accept it).
Your son objected to going to pre-school - this is normal, if he finds it upsetting or if he dislikes what happens there. I can't say what was happening there but it is important to try to find a way to help him deal with pre-school, even if it means trying to work with the staff to make the experience less stressful for him. Something was going on there that he found difficult, and he was trying to tell you.
Other things you describe - the special interests, the odd gait, the anxiety (you haven't mentioned it, but it is there), and especially the noises - oh yes, Asperger's certainy seems to fit.
The noises - from my experience, you can't stop these. The best you can do is help him change to something that is hopefully less intrusive. Please don't punish him for noises, it is not only too difficult to stop, but if you try to make it stop completely, they break out somewhere else. I see this as a stimulant, or self-stimulatory behaviour. There is some voluntary control, but only limited. They often do it unconsciously, but it seems to help them soothe themselves. The more you make the child anxious about needing to be quiet, the more anxious the child feels and the more he feels he needs to make some sort of noise. It IS different to the tics in Tourette's, but the difference is subtle.
I suspect, especially with the marriage breakup, you have been using a lot of traditional strict parenting in order to not only maintain as much control as possible, but also to be SEEN to be a good strict parent according to old school rules. But this can make a child like this a lot worse and greatly aggravate discipline issues.
A highly intelligent child tends to want a lot more self-determination than an average kid. Add in Aspie traits and you get an even greater push for self-control. Often at an age where self-control seems a distant dream, especially if the child seems to have social problems and impulse control problems.
A child with sensory issues plus social issues is trying to avoid situations that aggravate anxiety and make him feel bad. I don't know what his particular sensory issues are, but I'll give you examples again:
Picture a child who finds sudden loud noises scary. A child who finds certain pitch of sounds painful. A child who is very aware of every vibration, of every footstep, of distant construction work. Put such a child in a crowded room full of squealing children shouting, calling, yelling excitedly - the child is going to feel off-balance, afraid, maybe angry and upset. He won't know what to focus on and to listen to, and may find it hard to pay attention or to sit still when required. Socially he can't cope with other kids in his space. Or he might not understandsocail boundaries and in trying to make friends, he might get right in someone else's face. Or another kid accidentally knocks over his tower of blocks and he is sure they did it on purpose to upset him. Everything in this child's world has to be checked for safety and to make sure it won't suddenly do something unexpected. He feels he can cope better if only he has a say in what happens around him; but instead he is surrounded by anarchy, by a lot of individuals all doing what THEY want. The adults or the children - it doesn't matter, to this child they are all the same, they are all intrusions into his space with their own unpredictabilties.
However, this child wants to fit in, he wants to have a friend and to be a friend. But he doesn't know how. So he chooses his favourite thing in the world and ties to talk about it with the person he has chosen who he thinks could be a friend.
Adults around him try to control him and his actions and he resents this. They respond by scolding him or getting cross. This shows him how to express disapproval, so he begins to behave this way when he feels angry or out of balance. This way perhaps, he feels other people will take notice when he feels disapproving.
The more people get cross or angry with him, the more he will copy these tactics and use them in return. This is why you need to change tactics with a kid like this - you need to set the example of how you want this child to behave, and you need to do it BEFORE you expect better behaviour.
An older child with problems like this, is someone you can generally talk to about it. One of the first things that you need to explain to such a child, is "We don't know why this is the way it is for you, but it is not your fault."
The second thing you need to explain is, "You are different. That is OK, but it might help you understand why some things seem more difficult for you. it is because they ARE. But that just means you have to find a way to do it. We will help you. And you may find that some things are actually easier for you than for other people, so it's never all bad, or all good. It just IS."
Your son won't answer a question if it's too difficult - that fits. I had forgotten this, but we had this with both boys, difficult child 3 especially. It was a combination of the required answer being too abstract, plus the request not being properly understood.
What these kids don't always understand, even if their language is not delayed at all, is anything abstract, anything not very clear, anything subtle. Sarcasm is very bad, because the words don't match the situation or the facial/vocal expression. Think about such a child's communication in terms of internet communication. Sarcasm doesn't work online. Similarly, a lot of abstraction needs more explanation.
A child is throwing a ball inside the house and accidentally breaks his mother's favourite jug. The child says, "Sorry, Mum."
The mother replies, "Sure, son. It's something I live for, to have a ball thrown around my kitchen and have it knock over my favourite jug. And you think an apology will put the jug back together?"
If the child recognises that the mother is being sarcastic, he will understand that his mother is NOT happy with him. But an Aspie child might even 'hear' permission to keep throwing the ball around. At the very least, it has given the child mixed messages. Snd you need to be VERY clear.
For years I had to make sure I never said, "You're right," but instead said, "You're correct." And now I do it all the time to everybody. Especially to a young child who is learning the difference between right and left, you have to avoid any double meanings. The child can have a college-level vocabulary, but not understand WHICH meaning you intend.
His father's history of having a bad temper - that could fit with an undiagnosed borderline Aspie, or similar. It may help explain that this isn't out of the blue, but it doesn't nail anything down.
Now I'm going to go back and read what everybody else has written.
Your concern about ODD - there are no pills, no formal treatment as far as I know. What I've been told about ODD is that it is untreatable and incurable. Not a helpful label therefore.
So my response - I ignore labels of ODD and instead look to how the child is thinking and feeling, and work from there. "Explosive Child" methods really do make a huge difference and from my observation, a kid who otherwise would meet the criteria of ODD can be managed differently (using techniques that allow the child to have input and control) with the parent stepping back form authority figure, to the child's supporter and helper, and almost miraculously, you can see improvement. No pills, nor formal treatment. Just a different way of managing the child.
I just got to the post where you have asked if the odd could be due to the separation. A very good question. Yes, it could be. But a great deal of what you describe (the odd gait, the 'little professor' talking about the Solar System - I used to do that!), the sensory issues - that is not the break-up, I'm sure. It's possible that at least some of the anger could be the uncertainty of life after the break-up. It does happen. I have seen it time and time again. But there is I believe something else underneath which needs a different approach. The family therapy is a good idea, it will help. But it is not the only answer.
You mentioned you live with your parents and they are a great support. How do they feel about this diagnosis? And how do they feel about D and his problems? Do they blame it all on the break-up? Or do they feel there is something else born in the child which needs to be identified?
I ask this because even the most supportive of families can often be in denial about something wrong with someone they love. This can make it more difficult until they learn to accept things. I've had friends and family insist there was nothing wrong with my kids, "they just need a spanking now and then," which if course was not the answer! Not that I was sparing with spanking. But by then I was realising it wasn't working. I can look back and see tat to outsiders, it did look as if I had been letting my kids do what they anted, letting them run wild and doing nothing. The trouble was, I held a very tight rein but with the boys and especially difficult child 3, it just didn't have an impact.
What finally worked was when people saw the problems for themselves. I dropped in on a friend on the way home from difficult child 3's pre-school and mentioned that we were looking at the possibility of Asperger's (then). She insisted, "There's nothing wrong with him." He was 3 years old and sitting on her lap.
So I said, "Ask him about his day, then."
So she said to him, "difficult child 3, what did you do today at pre-school?" [this is like your son not answering questions he finds challenging]
difficult child 3 responded with, "Bird. Water." He got off her lap and ran to the window.
ODD can be the result of environmental factors. In fact, I believe it is, in most cases (if not all). The environmental factors generally are the interaction between that child and adults in that child's life. If a child begins to feel constantly at war with the people around him, he will develop oppositional behaviours purely in self-defence. it is NOT a child choosing to be difficult out of sheer enjoyment of being naughty. I HATE the name, because it is misleading and causes more harm, I believe. It develops in the same way that siblings can argue back and forth, "It is" "It isn't!" "It is!" IT ISN'T!" Until when one says "white," the other automatically says, "black" on principle, in self defence.
So yes, environmental factors are important. But these are environmental factors superimposed on an underlying problem. That underlying problem could be the break-up, at least partly (it does cause uncertainty) or it could be something like ADHD, or it could be bipolar, or it could be Asperger's. Or something else. But it doesn't matter exactly what it is - if you can change the environmental factors (ie change the way you handle him) then the ODD behaviours should begin to ease. Use "Explosive Child". The counselling will also help.
Do not blame yourself in any way. as parents we do what we have to do. Children adapt. Even Aspie children adapt. Chances are, you going back to work has given your son the best chances possible.
Like you, I was a working mum. I was a stay-at-home mum for my last child, difficult child 3, and he is also the worst-affected. However, I found that he did better when I put him into child care. Plus I found him so exhausting (and I am not well) that I put him into a local child care place, part-time. From what I understand now, I believe I did the best thing I could have done for him. He had a lot more stimulation in his life especially socially, so he was socialised much earlier than he would have been otherwise - always a good thing.
I worked full-time when my first three children were born and they went into child care (long day care, too - from 8 am to 6 pm) from 14 weeks old. They thrived then and later, as a result of that early socialisation. easy child especially when she began school, was in a classroom full of other kids who had also mostly been in long day care from a very early age. her teacher wailed to me, "I have a classroom full of leaders and no followers!"
Years later easy child is still a leader.
Because my older children were in long day care from an early age, I could see the difference in difficult child 3 given the same environment. He simply did not take to it the same way. There would be times when he would find somewhere quiet and get away from the other children. He didn't come when he was called - he wasn't being disobedient, he just didn't recognise that he was being called. so look after yourself, because the best gift a parent can give yo their children, is a parent who is well and happy.
Guilt will only slow you down and reduce your effectiveness as a parent. You have no reason to feel guilty at all. After all, you have identified a problem in your son. You have come here. You have been looking for help for you son. These are not the actions of an inferior parent.
So forget the past, look to the now and the future. I believe that the vast bulk of your son's problems, if not all, are due to something inborn. There is an environmental overlay which is simple the result of you trying to be a good and consistent parent, plus possibly some distress over the departure of his father. But you cannot completely control his environment. Therefore you have no reason to feel guilt for what you cannot control. That includes your need to go back to work when you were either a single mum, or the breadwinner. Or even one of the breadwinners.
If your going back to work and your relationship breakdown were the cause of all this, then why not a great many more kids?
Think back - when did you first notice problems? And of those problems you noticed, how many other children in the child care centre showed the same problems?
So do your best to dump the load of guilt. It's weighing you down and serving no purpose.
As for what you can do for D now - work on the problem areas with therapy. Do what you can yourself - after all, you spend a lot of time with him. That is good - use this time well. Read books together. Play games together. Use these as currency and reward - this is what was given to us as a technique, by difficult child 3's therapist. To use my time with him, playing a computer game (which he likes) as reward for achieving certain goals (having an entire evening with no tantrums). Plus we did our best to help him avoid a tantrum, by watching for the warning signs and doing our best to avoid them.
We've been through a lot of therapy with difficult child 3. But what has done the most good, is what we do at home with him. Sometimes it's following through on what the therapist has set up. Sometimes it's what we have worked out ourselves (including reading books like "Explosive Child"). And a lot of it is difficult child 3 himself and his constant efforts to, as he put it, "get better at pretending to be normal."
Marg