CAmom
Member
We've been undergoing weekly family therapy, and, during our session last week, our son made some comments that took my breath away.
A bit of background: When we became aware of our son's marijuana use back in his freshman year of high school, all heck broke loose in our previously-happy and peaceful home. We went through the gamut of emotions as I'm sure most parents do... shock, anger, despair, etc.
As my husband became increasingly frustrated with our son's defiance of our values and house rules, he became more and more verbal about his feelings, telling our son to leave at one point. Finally, during one of our nastier confrontations, he lost control, and things got physical. Although the incident was relatively mild in nature, I was completely shaken as my husband has always been an extremely patient and easy-going man and, in our 30 years of marriage, I had never seen him act out physically in anger. It hurt me terribly to see this directed at our son.
I, wanting to protect my 'baby' and keep the peace (in other words, enable our son) basically took his side over my husband's. As a result, my husband completely backed off and gradually became more and more emotionally withdrawn and passive in his dealings with our son, allowing me to take over. Basically, over time, I took on my husband's role as the 'head of the household' while my husband watched from the sidelines.
So, back to the therapy session... in the context of a discussion about our son's feelings of respect for us as his parents, he said that he wanted to tell us something 'honestly.' He went on to say that he thought his dad should 'man-up and give me back my strong father figure.' He went on to say that he wanted his dad to 'show me an angry face when I screw up.' He then turned to me and told me that he wanted me to 'back off and let dad be my dad...you be my mom.'
I can't tell you how absolutely staggered we both were, hearing this from our 18-year-old! I had no idea that he had even noticed the gradual shift in 'power.' And, instead of being pleased by the fact that his dad had completely backed off in terms of authority and discipline, leaving that to me (which basically meant he could do just about anything he pleased without much in the way of consequences), he was disturbed rather than pleased by it, and, as a result, my husband and I both lost his respect.
I shared this very painful story in case there are any other moms out here (Mikey's wife comes to mind) who are making the same huge mistake I did. It just serves to reiterate how true it is that children/teens want and need that strong authority figure in their lives to draw those lines in the sand and mean it and that, deep down, they really don't respect a parent who allows themselves to be used as a doormat.
This was a real eye-opener to me and my husband, and I only hope it's not too late...
A bit of background: When we became aware of our son's marijuana use back in his freshman year of high school, all heck broke loose in our previously-happy and peaceful home. We went through the gamut of emotions as I'm sure most parents do... shock, anger, despair, etc.
As my husband became increasingly frustrated with our son's defiance of our values and house rules, he became more and more verbal about his feelings, telling our son to leave at one point. Finally, during one of our nastier confrontations, he lost control, and things got physical. Although the incident was relatively mild in nature, I was completely shaken as my husband has always been an extremely patient and easy-going man and, in our 30 years of marriage, I had never seen him act out physically in anger. It hurt me terribly to see this directed at our son.
I, wanting to protect my 'baby' and keep the peace (in other words, enable our son) basically took his side over my husband's. As a result, my husband completely backed off and gradually became more and more emotionally withdrawn and passive in his dealings with our son, allowing me to take over. Basically, over time, I took on my husband's role as the 'head of the household' while my husband watched from the sidelines.
So, back to the therapy session... in the context of a discussion about our son's feelings of respect for us as his parents, he said that he wanted to tell us something 'honestly.' He went on to say that he thought his dad should 'man-up and give me back my strong father figure.' He went on to say that he wanted his dad to 'show me an angry face when I screw up.' He then turned to me and told me that he wanted me to 'back off and let dad be my dad...you be my mom.'
I can't tell you how absolutely staggered we both were, hearing this from our 18-year-old! I had no idea that he had even noticed the gradual shift in 'power.' And, instead of being pleased by the fact that his dad had completely backed off in terms of authority and discipline, leaving that to me (which basically meant he could do just about anything he pleased without much in the way of consequences), he was disturbed rather than pleased by it, and, as a result, my husband and I both lost his respect.
I shared this very painful story in case there are any other moms out here (Mikey's wife comes to mind) who are making the same huge mistake I did. It just serves to reiterate how true it is that children/teens want and need that strong authority figure in their lives to draw those lines in the sand and mean it and that, deep down, they really don't respect a parent who allows themselves to be used as a doormat.
This was a real eye-opener to me and my husband, and I only hope it's not too late...