Yes. Things like this are 100% the RIGHT thing to do. Anything that takes your mind off the situation for a bit, allows you some breathing room, clears your head... Find ways to work these things into every single day. You have earned it.
Overwhelming Pain
- Thread starter Freedom08
- Start date
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
Oh my! When my son is up to being his no good self ( he can be a decent human when he wants to), I am a baldheaded, cross-eyed, bucktoothed, flat chested, knock kneed, flat footed, hunchbacked spawn of Satan himself.
He seems to forget that I am the only person on the face of this earth that gives a rats @&& about him.
He seems to forget that I am the only person on the face of this earth that gives a rats @&& about him.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
PASA, please do not talk bad about me behind my back. And I am big-busted FYI.
COPA
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
PASA, he never forgets for one second.
He feels he needs you too much. How in the world could he ever acknowledge it?
He is on the road to be a man.
I too feel for you. You have sooo much on your plate. I agree with what the others have said and I'm glad that you read the detachment literature here. I also agree about avoiding (big time) their social media. A possible exception would be if you feel their life is in danger. That's about it. I'm not kidding. Not much good can come out of it. Your adult child is just that...an adult. I too would limit contact. Consider what you might be willing to offer your daughter...counseling, doctor visits (confirmed only), etc. But, I wouldn't be too available or generous to someone who is falsely accussing me of horrible things.
If she has worked and failed and if she clearly has a mental illness diagnosis and sees a doctor for this regularly...maybe she should apply for disability. But such things are serious business and in my humble opinion, should be treated as such.
It sounds like you have little support. Have you considered counseling for yourself? Good grief, you would have to be a robot to not be shaken up by this. Under the circumstances, it's a positive that you work from home, but the flip side of that, is that you don't have co workers to distract you with simple chit chat. I definately would consider counseling, if you are not doing so already.
You didn't cause this and you can't fix this. She has to make the personal decision to get appropriate help and to live her life in a healthy manner.
Consider contacting Runnaway Bunny if you are using a name that is very close to your actual one. I'm almost certain you can change and/or alter it.
Come here as often as you need for ideas and support. Please be good to yourself. What do you like to do? Like getting the Starbucks coffee...do more of that!
Blessings.
If she has worked and failed and if she clearly has a mental illness diagnosis and sees a doctor for this regularly...maybe she should apply for disability. But such things are serious business and in my humble opinion, should be treated as such.
It sounds like you have little support. Have you considered counseling for yourself? Good grief, you would have to be a robot to not be shaken up by this. Under the circumstances, it's a positive that you work from home, but the flip side of that, is that you don't have co workers to distract you with simple chit chat. I definately would consider counseling, if you are not doing so already.
You didn't cause this and you can't fix this. She has to make the personal decision to get appropriate help and to live her life in a healthy manner.
Consider contacting Runnaway Bunny if you are using a name that is very close to your actual one. I'm almost certain you can change and/or alter it.
Come here as often as you need for ideas and support. Please be good to yourself. What do you like to do? Like getting the Starbucks coffee...do more of that!
Blessings.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I for one am excited for her. She is on the road to make her own life. Let her.
I am guessing that some of your pain is guilt. I made this mistake. I felt that if my son was suffering or mad at me, or gossiping about me with my neighbors, that it was my fault. That had I been a better mother, he would not be doing these things. WRONG.
My son can do whatever he wants. It is a free country. He is an adult. He is responsible for his behaviors and choices. It has nothing to do with me even if he says it does. I get to decide for myself how I help him, or not. I get to decide how I feel about myself. I get to define myself.
You are giving your daughter too much power over your feelings and your sense of yourself.
At the same time it seems you may have not have accepted fully that her decisions are hers to make. Her lifestyle. Her friends. Her behaviors. Hers not yours.
I know how hard this is. I am in the same spot as you. You are doing better than I am, in fact. Give yourself credit and go about making the absolute best life you can.
Your daughter will come back sooner or later. I would start now thinking about what kind of boundaries you want.
Believe me, this online pan handling making up stories will soon run dry.
It is really all about you now. She did you a favor by her behavior. She made it clear cut.
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Lil
Well-Known Member
I don't know if it will help, but on my good days, I try to plant firmly in my mind that my son is legally an adult and entitled to make (stupid) adult choices. Then I repeat the following:
1) When I was his age I didn't call my mother every day. I didn't tell her everything. She was there if I needed her, but mostly I was living as I chose and finding my own way.
2) Not too long ago it wasn't that unusual for kids to take a "gap year" right out of high school and travel Europe if they had money or backpack/hitch hike across the US if they didn't. They survived.
3) Kids this age need to separate from their parents. It's easier for them than it is their parents, but it's necessary.
I know that our situations with our difficult children are different than the "typical" kids. But those 3 things are still true. Ours may go about it the wrong way...but they are still accomplishing the separation that is necessary.
1) When I was his age I didn't call my mother every day. I didn't tell her everything. She was there if I needed her, but mostly I was living as I chose and finding my own way.
2) Not too long ago it wasn't that unusual for kids to take a "gap year" right out of high school and travel Europe if they had money or backpack/hitch hike across the US if they didn't. They survived.
3) Kids this age need to separate from their parents. It's easier for them than it is their parents, but it's necessary.
I know that our situations with our difficult children are different than the "typical" kids. But those 3 things are still true. Ours may go about it the wrong way...but they are still accomplishing the separation that is necessary.
Echolette
Well-Known Member
last year, when Difficult Child was couch hopping and sleeping rough and working as a bike messenger and as a dishwasher, and I was horrified, my SO pointed out that if he were doing THE EXACT SAME THING in Europe and calling it a gap year I would be very proud.
Good point. And valid.
We didn't call our parents because there weren't cell phones, so we had to work stuff out on our own. When I was 17 I was an au pair in France...my parents got three letters from me, on trifold blue paper. Other than that, they had no idea what I was up to (and it wasn't all good, believe me).
It does help sometimes to remember these things.
Too much contact is too much contact.
Echo
Let her alone, ignore her and do other things to forget. Go to Starbucks every day. She absolutely knows you are going to be this upset...it's fun for her. She's going to need you quite soon, let her find her own way, she'll come back to you. But hopefully not until she gets her act together. Tell her she's a smart girl and you'll sure she'll figure it out when she calls you in dire straights, possibly tomorrow. Maybe someone is at the door and you can't talk right now. You have to not let this behavior proliferate by being so sad and willing to give her your blood. (ok be sad but don't wear it on your sleeve for her to see) Fake that you are happy she is making her life work on her own (when she calls you). Stop working too many hours...it's all about you now, get a mani/pedi, etc
Freedom08
Member
Last night was better. Easy child and I went to his sports practice and I was able to socialize a little which made me feel better. He has practice and games every day this week and the distraction will help. I was able to eat dinner after hardly eating all day which was good. I tried very hard to stay in the present with easy child. I don't want to look back 4 years from now when he graduates and regret letting this destroy me.
Work didn't go well and all I wanted to do was call in sick but these feelings will be here tomorrow and the next day etc. I was able to fall asleep easily but not stay asleep very long. I hope to get a nap in before work otherwise it's going to be a very long night.
I do remember what it was like when I was her age. I pulled away from my parents and moved out at 19 then all the way to the west coast when I was 21. They would cringe to know everything that went on in my life between 18-22. I sometimes wonder how I didn't drive them totally crazy.
(My screen name isn't anything close to my real name if anyone was worried about that ).
I will post more later, have to get the younger one to practice . Thank you all again for the advice and kindness.
Work didn't go well and all I wanted to do was call in sick but these feelings will be here tomorrow and the next day etc. I was able to fall asleep easily but not stay asleep very long. I hope to get a nap in before work otherwise it's going to be a very long night.
I do remember what it was like when I was her age. I pulled away from my parents and moved out at 19 then all the way to the west coast when I was 21. They would cringe to know everything that went on in my life between 18-22. I sometimes wonder how I didn't drive them totally crazy.
(My screen name isn't anything close to my real name if anyone was worried about that ).
I will post more later, have to get the younger one to practice . Thank you all again for the advice and kindness.
Freedom08
Member
Ugh. Just stated a post and lost it all :-(.
This week has been a roller coaster of emotion. It's been minute to minute of being okay and not okay. I am still checking her social media and KNOW I have to stop. It's not doing me any good because every time I see a depressed tweet I freak out and worry if she will harm herself. I called her this morning and she sounded okay but who knows. She's out of one of her medications and said she is calling the doctor today but I don't know if she will. I want to swoop in and fix it for her but I am powerless to do anything. There are so many resources for trans people where she is but she needs to find them on her own. Anything I suggest will just have her running the other way.
I am a fixer and I always have been. Heck I even got into a profession that requires that my whole workday is fixing complicated situations. Often with a immediate deadline and sometimes several issues at a time. I can't fix this and it's making me crazy. I wish she would come back closer to us. She is 700 miles away without a real support system with people she hardly knows and it's frightening. I know she does not want to live with me but she has friends in our town and support system AND her old therapist. This living like a nomad is something I just can't understand. How long can she go from place to place???.
I am not sleeping well at all. I can't sleep not knowing if she is safe. I have to get over that and I am so tired all the time but when I turn the light off I can't sleep.
This place is a godsend. I have an appointment with a therapist next week and I'm not looking forward to it but know it's necessary . Im just exhausted
This week has been a roller coaster of emotion. It's been minute to minute of being okay and not okay. I am still checking her social media and KNOW I have to stop. It's not doing me any good because every time I see a depressed tweet I freak out and worry if she will harm herself. I called her this morning and she sounded okay but who knows. She's out of one of her medications and said she is calling the doctor today but I don't know if she will. I want to swoop in and fix it for her but I am powerless to do anything. There are so many resources for trans people where she is but she needs to find them on her own. Anything I suggest will just have her running the other way.
I am a fixer and I always have been. Heck I even got into a profession that requires that my whole workday is fixing complicated situations. Often with a immediate deadline and sometimes several issues at a time. I can't fix this and it's making me crazy. I wish she would come back closer to us. She is 700 miles away without a real support system with people she hardly knows and it's frightening. I know she does not want to live with me but she has friends in our town and support system AND her old therapist. This living like a nomad is something I just can't understand. How long can she go from place to place???.
I am not sleeping well at all. I can't sleep not knowing if she is safe. I have to get over that and I am so tired all the time but when I turn the light off I can't sleep.
This place is a godsend. I have an appointment with a therapist next week and I'm not looking forward to it but know it's necessary . Im just exhausted
