Passive Aggressive make me very unhappy

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Aug 6, 2010.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    and is going to make SURE my husband has a very very upsetting time over the next few days.

    It seems if he is upset he goes and moves the fruit bars I like to the door of the freezer, where they melt. NOTHING can be stored on the door of the freezer because items there do not stay frozen.

    I had a fit last week and insisted husband defrost the freezer. He swore to me he did it.

    I finally got to the point I could move with-o puking and he has defrosted ONE shelf. The others are caked with ice over 2 inches thick.

    He also told me he had asked my parents to borrow a lawn mower because our broke. I found out that he has not spoken to either of them, or to Wiz about it.

    He is at the store right now. My headache is back full force, which was why I wanted the popsicle (Edy's lime fruit bars help when my stomach is upset and are OFTEN the only thing besides crackers and coke that will stay down when I get a long term headache like this one.)

    In SPITE of, or because of, the headache, I am going to pitch a royal FIT. He IS going to borrow several coolers and a lawn mower from my family. If he won't call my parents he can dang well call his father and drive the hour to his house to borrow coolers. Won't be able to borrow a lawn mower so he will get to use scissors (NOT joking here) to mow our 3//4 acre lot. HIS CHOICE.

    husband is not working and is spending his days playing games on facebook and sleeping. I KNOW depression is a problem, but I have done the patient, babying routine, the talks, and even giving him chores like I was his mother.

    NOW he can deal with angry me. HE pushed until I gave him chores. Then he didn't do them - saying he would do them the next day. Then he bought the meat so that I would get sidetracked and he would be able to say he "can't" defrost the freezer because all the meat will go bad.

    To H*** with this. I am sick of the stupidity. He can dam well either use some common sense, or at the least do the very minor things I ask, or I can give him some MAJOR things to do.

    And I WILL.

    I really do NOT think asking to have my popsicles kept on a shelf instead of on the door of the freezer is a big thing, but apparently it is. OR he would rather have them melt than say he is upset about something. WHich is probably the case.

    He almost NEVER will say something bothers him. He just goes and ruins something small by doing something he knows the person has asked the family not to do.

    I think that IS the definition of passive aggressive, isn't it? He will not admit to doing it on purpose but it happens to way too many things that belong to whichever person he is angry at. The stupid thing is that ALL he has to do 99.9% of the time is to say that he is upset at something and I will explain why I did it, and work to find another way to handle it if I cannot stop doing it or change it right away. I rarely have a problem with this. RARELY. even KNOWING this he STILL does this koi rather than just TELL me.

    If you hear fireworks coming from Oklahoma, it is just me lighting the rockets I shoved into an orifice.

    Why is it that he can NOT remember "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." or "Happy Wife, Happy Life"?? They sure seem easy to remember.
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm sending you vibes of strength. It truly does sound like he needs a come to Susie meeting. Hang in there and stand your ground.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Thanks. I get so frustrated because a lot of the time I feel like I am his mother too. Granted, his mother is incredibly bizarre, but she is still alive. Does anyone else feel that way about their husband/so/partner ever? I have to tell him to remind the kids about chores if I am not there to do it. I have to remind him to fix veggies with a meal when he makes dinner for the family. He always fixes salad and/or a veg for himself but only enough for him. Other dishes he fixes enough for everyone for the meal.

    It is frustrating to see him whine if he has to do 20 minutes worth of work in a day that does not involve a computer game. I just don't know how to get through to him. But in the morning I sure will try.
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Susie... First of all... HUGS!!!!! I know exactly how you feel.

    Second - yup. You've got it right. Angry is good.

    What IS it about late summer that really messes up things?!
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm there with you. I hate hate HATE that the only thing that gets my husband moving is ordering him about. Right now we are on hour two of getting him to refill a prescription online that he was supposed to have done at the doctors office last month after having supposed to have refilled it by phone 6 weeks ago.

    "I don't need to refill it, I told the doctor at my appointment last month." I can see that the insurance company has not filled it. Go online. "I'm calling the neighborhood pharmacy which is closed and leaving a message to see if they are filling it, but their recording says they don't have anything for me." That's because they haven't gotten an RX for it, I can see that the insurance company hasn't filled it. Go online. "Play play play with my new I-Pad". GO ONLINE AND FILL YOUR PRESCRIPTION!

    Not psychiatric medications, but still. If you need them - and he does - you need them. And everything is this way! ARGH!
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I know. It's been an interesting evening around here, too. Hugs.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    When we married I told my husband that I would happily be the mother of our children, but he was a full grown adult and I would NOT be his mother too. He learned very rapidly that if I have to act like his mommy to get him to do what he needs to do, then I will treat him that way in ALL aspects. He couldn't have it in just one. He KNOWS that it he climbs so far into that computer that he won't do anything else then I WILL render the computer inoperable until his attitude and behavior become that of a full grown man.

    I have only had to make the computer unusable twice. I have also used quite a few of the Explosive Child and Love & Logic methods on him. They WORK.

    Of course my mother's advice to newlyweds is also handy.

    Use simple, one word commands. Lots of praise. Turn away and ignore them when the behavior is bad.

    Just like training a puppy. She even admits she got the wording for her methods straight from a dog trainer!! If it works on my father it can work on anyone. Just don't tell them where you got this new way of handling them!!

    (Funny as this sounds, I am NOT joking. She gives it at every bridal shower! It always brings a chuckle and knowing nods from the older married ladies.)
  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I hate, hate, hate PA behavior.

    This is going to sound odd, but when I have a migraine and can't stomach anything else a McDonald's plain hamburger makes my tummy feel better. No idea why. You would think it would make it worse.

    Hope you feel better soon.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Real fruit pops make me feel better too but I like grape. Also for me it has to be real ginger ale. When I get to be feeling a bit better I can make a combo drink of ginger ale and Sunny Delight.

    I dont know what it is with men right now but it must be the moon alignment or the stars or something. I have been so sick for so long and in so much pain lately and all Tony wants to do is come home from work to bemoan his position of breadwinner. I want to buy him a trophy that says "14 Hour Days" and "100 Degree heat". I realize that he works hard and long days. I know it is physically demanding. I appreciate him greatly. I worry about him constantly. I dont know how to get him to understand that our situations arent mutually exclusive. He acts like I am so lucky and that I couldnt possibly know what he goes through. Well, I would give anything to be able to work again and I dont think he would want to be in my situation either. He doesnt like needles...scared to death of them in fact. I dont think anyone would willingly be in my position.
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Wow, Susie, I am really sorry. Your hubby needs a job like YESTERDAY. I love the internet, but this is a scenario that is becoming all to common.


    And I, also, feel like husband's mother. The kids and I cleaned up our home to have a party for difficult child 1 Saturday night. easy child 1 and I cooked and prepped for a party for about 100 people. We were the ones that picked up, and will be the ones that finish pisking up.

    And husband had the gonads to carry on about how well his daughter listens to him at said party to some poor soul and how he'll beat her butt if she doesn't...and he sent her to bed at midnight and I was the one that jumped her butt and took the plug in off the tv at 1:30am when I found her up playing Wii.

    So yeah, I am the mother of five. One may never grow up and leave the nest.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    He does need a job like yesterday. But no one wants to hire a 50 year old white guy. Every place he goes to sends him off to fill out an application online. I am going to try to get him to find a headhunter to help him find a job. He is very well qualified and becoming very well depressed also. Thankfully the university is gearing up so there will be some temp jobs and he may be able to teach a class or two and MAYBE the univ will actually start filling some of the jobs that he has applied for. I do get frustrated when he won't try to seek out the people who are actually hiring for the univ jobs. He makes an AWESOME impression and at the univ it is one of the requirements for being hired.

    It is hard for all of us.

    Janet, I totally know how you feel. NO ONE would pick to be in my position, especially not me! Whatever it is that is going on, my health is worse than it has ever been, with the medications barely able to keep me from screaming sometimes. I don't talk about it with husband or the kids because they have no way to understand an each of them would end up freaking out. Soooo not what I need right now.

    I am PROUD to say that he did eventually get the freezer defrosted. He worked on it the second night until 1 am. Jess and I turned it back on and put the food back in so it would stay cold (it cools itself in about a half an hour). He waited until 5 the next day to start again, but he did get it finished. I wasn't up to putting the food in so he had to. He really whined about that, but I ignored him.

    At least it got done!!! Now I have to start on him about the lawn. I really hate parenting a 50+ year old man. He could be a grandpa for crying out loud!!
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL about the grandpa thing.

    I got chewed out last night because I didnt have supper made. Honestly, my brain was mush, I couldnt find anything he bought the day before except a bag of maple flavored sausages and I didnt think he wanted them for dinner! I think I heard him say he bought hot dogs and bologna but not sure. My brain is getting foggy right now with the methadone. And the worry about todays little injection. Im trying to stay calm but still worrying. I did do the dishes but after that my back was killing me so I went and laid down then he called me to come pick him up. Sigh...I simply couldnt think about dinner in there