Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
difficult child came home drunk last night. He and his girlfriend tried the "run from the door to the bedroom" trick (like we all didn't try that ourselves). When I got upstairs, he was passed out in bed, and she was trying to hold a garbage can under him while he horked. /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/sick.gif
Turns out he had at least half a fifth of Vodka on an empty stomach. Luckily (tounge firmly in cheek), she was driving that night - perfect little thing that she is, she wasn't drinking.
So we cleaned up the mess, moved him into our bedroom to keep an eye on him, and she started to leave. I finally "talked" with her about the fact that this will kill him eventually, if he doesn't get some help. At which point she laid into me and said "Why talk to me? You think I'm just an enabler!"
Duh. I said "You're right". She responds "I don't enable him. I don't buy his drugs or booze. I don't help him get it. I can't tell him to stop. How does that make me an enabler?"
My reply: "Because you allow it to happen. And no, you can't "stop" him from doing anything, but you don't have to let him know you approve of it. By simply saying "I can't stop it, so I won't risk my relationship with him to disagree with him", you are enabling him - because you are tacitly approving his behaviour."
I'm getting the silent evil-eye, so I continue...
"If you love him, and you know he's doing something harmful, you have a responsibility to at least tell him of your concern and disapproval. And it doesn't have to be a 'change or I'm breaking up with you' threat. It can be an 'I love you, don't want you to die or ruin your life, so please get help' discussion".
She finally replies "Do you think he'll listen to me if I say that? He doesn't listen to you when you say that."
I reply "Even if you think he won't listen, is that any reason to stop telling him? At the point you stop telling him you disapprove, when you stop voicing your concern, when you turn a blind eye to what he's doing to himself, he will see that as your approval. Can't you see that?"
She replies "It hasn't worked for you".
I reply "How do you know? We have detached enough to accept that we can't stop him from doing these things, nor can we force him to change. And we can't kick him out. But at every turn, we let him know that while we love him, we do NOT condone or accept what he's doing as 'right'."
"We don't tolerate certain behaviours in our house or around our family, and he as some basic responsibilites that he must meet to get basic family benefits in return. But we NEVER give him what he truly wants from us - acceptance of certain life choices he's made. And we don't give up because you never know when he might, just one time, be receptive and actually ask for help. If you give up trying, why should he try?"
At that point she had nothing to say. And at that point, I realized that I had become a different person as well. Last year, I would have been a complete wreck. Now, I can simply accept what is, affect or protect what I can, and move on.
I don't know what will happen today. girlfriend is already back at the house tending poor, hungover difficult child. Guess she didn't get the message, but then again, it took a while for me, too.
Should be an interesting day. But on the bright side, this is the first time we've had a major episode and I didn't melt down, nor did I get angry (which works, but never lasts). This is different.
Maybe I am learning a little?
:smile:
Mikey
Turns out he had at least half a fifth of Vodka on an empty stomach. Luckily (tounge firmly in cheek), she was driving that night - perfect little thing that she is, she wasn't drinking.
So we cleaned up the mess, moved him into our bedroom to keep an eye on him, and she started to leave. I finally "talked" with her about the fact that this will kill him eventually, if he doesn't get some help. At which point she laid into me and said "Why talk to me? You think I'm just an enabler!"
Duh. I said "You're right". She responds "I don't enable him. I don't buy his drugs or booze. I don't help him get it. I can't tell him to stop. How does that make me an enabler?"
My reply: "Because you allow it to happen. And no, you can't "stop" him from doing anything, but you don't have to let him know you approve of it. By simply saying "I can't stop it, so I won't risk my relationship with him to disagree with him", you are enabling him - because you are tacitly approving his behaviour."
I'm getting the silent evil-eye, so I continue...
"If you love him, and you know he's doing something harmful, you have a responsibility to at least tell him of your concern and disapproval. And it doesn't have to be a 'change or I'm breaking up with you' threat. It can be an 'I love you, don't want you to die or ruin your life, so please get help' discussion".
She finally replies "Do you think he'll listen to me if I say that? He doesn't listen to you when you say that."
I reply "Even if you think he won't listen, is that any reason to stop telling him? At the point you stop telling him you disapprove, when you stop voicing your concern, when you turn a blind eye to what he's doing to himself, he will see that as your approval. Can't you see that?"
She replies "It hasn't worked for you".
I reply "How do you know? We have detached enough to accept that we can't stop him from doing these things, nor can we force him to change. And we can't kick him out. But at every turn, we let him know that while we love him, we do NOT condone or accept what he's doing as 'right'."
"We don't tolerate certain behaviours in our house or around our family, and he as some basic responsibilites that he must meet to get basic family benefits in return. But we NEVER give him what he truly wants from us - acceptance of certain life choices he's made. And we don't give up because you never know when he might, just one time, be receptive and actually ask for help. If you give up trying, why should he try?"
At that point she had nothing to say. And at that point, I realized that I had become a different person as well. Last year, I would have been a complete wreck. Now, I can simply accept what is, affect or protect what I can, and move on.
I don't know what will happen today. girlfriend is already back at the house tending poor, hungover difficult child. Guess she didn't get the message, but then again, it took a while for me, too.
Should be an interesting day. But on the bright side, this is the first time we've had a major episode and I didn't melt down, nor did I get angry (which works, but never lasts). This is different.
Maybe I am learning a little?
:smile:
Mikey