(PMT) Parent Mgmt Training

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,

Negotiation or duelling solutions usually takes place when concerns are not being addressed, meaning examing concerns , putting them on the table and then brainstorming for solutions . The difference between concerns and solutions is crucial in CPS
Most of the work must be done oput of the moment. it needs practice and also a paradigm shift in the kid that his needs will be served in a win-win situation. It means spending one on one time connecting , chatting , perspective taking , reflecting.
You can talk about ' timing' , what is a good time or a bad time to discuss things or get things done , if he is worried that his needs will not be adddressed , what does that mean to him , is he worried that you will forget , these are the type of questions you can explore with him and come up with a plan for eg writing it done on the planner. I would rather work with my kid this way than try and manipulate him with incentives , consequences etc
time outs , withdrawing priveleges - a sure way to world war 3
Allan

 

[VidQueen]

Jules,

I just wanted to add a little to what is already a lot of good advice. I wanted to give you some ideas for NOW.

My 5 yo difficult child sounds very similar to your son. I have gotten to the point where I can turn her defiance around in less than a minute. Mind you, I have to do this 2 to 5 times daily, but I can do it.

First, let me share my most recent discovery; activity. My difficult children activities were on hiatus for three weeks and her rages got worse and more frequent. It took someone from this forum to make the connection for me. This week she started swimming two days a week and gymnastics one day a week. She hasn't had a single rage in 8 days (defiance daily, but I can deter that). So, if your son is able to participate in group activities, go for it. If not, play active games with him whenever you can. (avoid any activities that result in a "winner")

Ok....the NOW. When my difficult child starts getting defiant my first reaction is to oppose her. This will always make it worse. Stop opposing your oppositional child. Does that mean they get what they want? Of course not. I will either redirect my difficult child, remind her of a goal or get her to think that what I'm wanting her to do is her idea. Example; my difficult child just started Kindergarten. Huge change; didn't go well for weeks. Her teacher had to restrain her a few times when I dropped her off. One day, I told her that her teacher wasn't allowed to see or hear me; so we had to tip toe down the hall to her class. My difficult child just loved this. I'm sure we looked silly, tip toeing to class, but when we got just outside the class room my difficult child said, "Wait, Mommy, my teacher can't see you! I have to go in by myself!". She's been great ever since.
It takes creativity, it takes patience, it takes thinking outside the box. But, yes, it can be done. My difficult child has been raging and defiant for 4 years; I've been able to help her through the defiance 80% of the time for about a year now (and the times it went out of control, I thought about it later and I had broken my own rules....I opposed her instead of redirecting her).

I hope you can find a way to help your child get through his defiance. Once you have a breakthrough and you learn the tools that work with your child, it can be really amazing. I stopped one earlier this evening by reminding my difficult child that if she went two weeks with no rages we would add a double swing to her swingset. She turned it off instantly. (You can create meaningful goals/rewards that don't cost money: Bake a cake, camp in your living room, have a sleepover, fingerpaint, watch a favorite movie (with popcorn, of course!)....the list is endless!

Good Luck...and remember to tell your son you love him EVERY DAY. Even when he's misbehaving.
Jen

 

[TiredSoul]

Thank you Jen!
I made the same connection about activity that you did. He does really well when he is busy busy busy. We are on a break from swimming lessons right now too - he usually goes Tues/Thurs, then has Scouts on Wed, Roller Hockey on Sat eve. He LOVES to be busy. He would love to be involved in something every single evening. Right there that goes against what husband and I like. We like low key, peace & quiet, sitting around doing nothing - and that does NOT work with our difficult child. I try to remember that and keep him in things that keeps him busy and he likes to do. I just wish there was a way to get what we all want.

I tell him several times daily that I love him and remind him that I will always love him on the good days as well as the bad days.

I think you are right saying to "stop opposing" him. It is probably naturally what husband and I do. husband is VERY oppositional by nature. I think that is where the CPS model works - you have to stop and think and deal with things in a different way.

Allan,
I always follow thru with what I tell difficult child we will do. For some reason he has this fear that he won't get what he wants or get to do what he wants unless we do it RIGHT NOW. I think it is an anxiety or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) thing - he used to never want to use his paper, pens, glue or whatever because he didn't want to run out for fear he would not get more. I have no idea how he came to be this way because I always get him more. He never has to go without. I think it is a feeling of being out of control for him. I try to get him to tell me what he is afraid will happen if we don't do it now - I sometimes think he feels like he might forget if we don't do it now. Maybe we should write it down on the calendar or something when we plan to do it - so he doesn't have to worry about it.

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. I really appreciate it.

 

[Wonderful Family]

This is a great group - I do read a lot at various times to catch up and I've learned so much. You've been given a lot of advice and suggestions - all excellent ones.

We still have a very long way to go with our difficult child and I don't have time to post all that much too often; but this question tugged at my heart a lot because I remember just how much we struggled when difficult child was little and we just wanted to know what to do! Nothing else mattered.

In the end, husband and I ended with a list of difficult child do's and don'Tourette's Syndrome and a very low key (e.g., boring) personal life just so that we could survive. Our difficult child needed age, maturity, and most importantly, medical stability before he could really have any positive response.

Our son has been hospitalized; although at an older age. Scary as it was, it ended up being one of the best experiences for him. Although we went from doctor to doctor for years with no answers (common), I often wonder what he would be like today if he had been stabilized much earlier on. It's worth the price now to keep seeing doctor after doctor for your difficult child until you start to see positive results - whatever the diagnosis is. And don't be afraid to politely disagree with doctors; they always seem to like to think Mom is exaggerating.

Although there are no easy answers; the most important thing I can tell you is that all the time outs, discipline, rules, and high expectations that were not met at younger ages (still usually are not or only partially); does seem to have had an impact on our difficult child now that he is older and somewhat stabilized; he just couldn't do it when he was younger. He has remembered them - and our difficult child actually does care; alot.