Please help me :(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by HeartbrokenMum13, Dec 24, 2017.

  1. HeartbrokenMum13

    HeartbrokenMum13 New Member

    Hi everyone
    I feel so lost at the minute I do not know where to turn. My 13 year old son is a nightmare. He never used to be this way, we were so close and did everything together. Now I’m a dirty c*#t and it’s f you f this, he pushes me around and started to push my partner around too. He’s 6 foot tall and surprisingly strong for a child.
    He’s been in 2 secondary schools and is now set to attend a pupil referral unit in jan.
    I waited 2 years for an appointment at child mental health services, only to get zero help from them. In fact they made me feel as if I was to blame.
    I can’t enjoy anything anymore, he literally ruins everything- days out Christmas even as he does not want to join in with the rest of the family.
    I can’t have any kitchen knifes around due to keep finding them in his room and his general threats about stabbing us all, I also now have a lock on my door to go to sleep. Underneath it all I think he must be going through something or be very unhappy but I have tried everything- counselling doctors camhs talking etc
    He doesn’t allow anyone any sleep as keeps the house awake till 2 am most nights being defiant, if I turn the WIFI off he starts smashing the house up and causing a scene.

    His dad has just offered to take him on Boxing Day for good, to try to put more control into place. My son is a risk to himself and others and I do not seem to have any control over him anymore.
    But my heart is literally broken at the thought that he feel abandoned by me and upset, I grieve for the little boy I used to have. And I feel like a massive failure as a parent.
    Is sending your child away for the best? Or do I allow this to carry on until he’s seriously hurt me or someone else, or got hisself took away by authorities??
    I just don’t know what to do for the best.
    Wishing others a much happier Christmas than mine xxxxxx
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It is NEVER smart to keep a violent six foot tall kid of any age in your home. Doesnt matter if he is unhappy or not. He is DANGEROUS to all. He needs out of home treatment. I hope they have that in your country. Boxing Day is UK? Sadly, I have heard that the medical system there is a mess. Hope I heard wrong. He is not going to improve, if he can, just living at home with no services. I can't believe he was dismissed from having mental health services. Insane!

    I am so sorry.
     
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  3. HeartbrokenMum13

    HeartbrokenMum13 New Member

    What is out of home treatment?
    Yes I am in the Uk - and where the services are free,you find them very limiting especially for mental health.
    They would rather blame you and send you away. They said he was sitting up too late of a night and that was causing the bad behaviour after only speaking to us for an hour.
    It’s a nightly battle to do bedtime that leaves me feeling exhausted also having to work the next day. Iv tried everything. I do not feel that diagnosis was correct. My son is abusive and manipulative and thinks he can do as he pleases or we will suffer the consequences if we challenge him. That’s not tiredness in my opinion - i don’t know how to get help and I don’t know if he better off not living with me as I am clearly not able to control him. Even though I do actually love him with all my heart. I just want him to be healthy happy and safe.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Maybe someone from the UK is here and help. In the U.S. this would be taken seriously and diagnosed and there are many residential treatment homes for dangerous kids. Often the state will pay.

    If your country's mental health system ignores it, I am very sorry. I can only advise that you send him to stay with somebody big enough to handle him. Don't keep him at home.

    Love and hugs.
     
  5. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I’m sorry. You’re in such a difficult situation. For now, Merry Christmas. It comes one way or the other.

    Your child is in the troubles. That happened and is happening to all of us. It’s not because you failed your son, or because Santa hates us. Or our kids.

    So try and have yourself the merriest little Christmas that you can. We can all do that much right now.

    And we’ll commiserate and brainstorm and strengthen after.
     
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Have you ever called the police when your son has gotten violent or destructive? What happens, do they respond? Take him away to a juvenile center for a few days or hours? Any possibility of drug use?

    Are there other children in the home? So sorry you are dealing with this on the holiday.

    Ksm
     
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is very scary. I have truly been in your shoes with a violent son who was larger than I was and hated me.

    If he can go to his father's house, that is worth a try. At least you will be able to tell the mental health services that you have tried it. Often you have to be able to tell them you have tried everything before they take you seriously. I realize it will be hard for you to let him go because you feel that he is your little boy and you are sending him away. I truly know how that feels. At age 14, we had to have my son go live with my parents. Only 10 min away, but it broke my heart. It also probably saved my family from a MUCH larger tragedy such as a murder suicide. Even the cops thought we were headed there.

    Your son is headed toward seriously harming someone. How will you feel if he uses that knife on himself? Even if he harmed you first, you could forgive that eventually. Moms often can. But if you kept him at home and he turned the knife on himself, you would not be able to forgive yourself. You would beat yourself up forever for not letting his father have a chance to try to turn him around. You have to take this situation as seriously as it warrants. Just because the mental health people are blowing it off does not mean it is not serious. They are not in your home to see how bad it is. We have been there and we know he is very close to hurting someone.

    There was a Mom who was here a couple of years ago. Her son was too fond of knives also. He was in and out of trouble for several years. Finally, at about age 14 or 15, I forget which, he stole her car and took it for a joyride. The cops were called. They followed the car home. The boy ran in the house and grabbed a knife. The end of the situation was that the boy died. His mother ended up choosing to follow him about a year later. I may not have all the details exactly right. His age may be off a little. I know he was not 16 yet. His mom was a friend of mine on this board. She did all she could think of that was acceptable to her to help him. She couldn't get past some personal issues to accept certain types of help. I know that was a problem for her after his death.

    Don't be like her. Accept all the help that you can. If your son's father is not unsafe to be with your son (likely to beat him, or get him on drugs, or something similar), he may be the person to help him. I know that my father was one of the people my son needed to help him. My dad had just retired from teaching junior high. I worried that my son would hurt one or both of my parents. They thought he wouldn't. I had to let them try because I had to try everything I could. It sounds like you are at the point where you need to try all you can. Your son might need his father's influence right now. It doesn't mean you cannot insist that he see you once a week or however often you feel works for you.

    The other thing I think you should do is to write a Parent Report. This is a document with ALL of the information about your son, good and bad. You create it with an outline created by Moms who were on this site long before I came along. The PR is one of the most powerful tools you can have because it keeps all the information at your hands when you are at an appointment. You can answer all the questions in a moment or so, which makes those appointments so much more effective. You can tell a doctor why a medication didn't work, and at what age your son first pulled a knife on you. All of the information is in there. It takes some time to create the PR. It will need to be done over a couple of weeks, not all in one day. Then when you go to see a mental health doctor, or even if you need to call the police because he pulled a knife on you, you take your PR with you and it helps impress the seriousness of the situation on them.

    I always took a printed copy with me. Why? My son's was a couple of inches thick and it looked impressive. It made his problems seem more serious and kept them from brushing things off like he was being seen for acne or some other minor issue. Of course part of the reason it was so thick was because I had 2 extra copies with me, just in case I needed to give a copy to a new doctor. I just didn't need to tell anyone else that. Neither do you. An electronic copy is also good, but sometimes you cannot send a copy easily to a doctor electronically depending on their software. You can always hand them a printed copy and let them scan it in.

    I hope some of this helps. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I can tell you some other tips and tricks I used to get better care for my son, but I will send those to you on a private conversation. Also on a different day because my kids are starting to wake up!

    Merry Christmas!
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    HBM14
    Welcome and do know that you are not alone. I have been struggling with my son since he was 14/15. Many of the same issues you are facing and the cure for my sons behaviour was drug addiction. It still is. I am not saying that is the issue with your son.

    I agree your son is a danger to you and yourself.

    Like you I live in a country where the NHS is social Health and free. It is absolute crap when it comes to Mental Health. It is like they are taught to deny you access. No professional in their right mind after hearing your story would not set forth to seek help for your son but blame you.

    I have fought and struggled and battled my way to getting my son the help he needs. He is now 18 and since 16 we could not force him into any help program without his consent. All be it that he is a definite harm to himself and others. Our health services state he has the “Right” to be a drug addict and even kill him self if that is his choice. As a nurse I find this sad and revolting. Canada isn’t much better than the UK for health service.

    You have to advocate for yourself and your son and do it with a sense of urgency so you can get him the help he needs ASAP before he comes to an age where he has choice. This is not normal teen anxt. There is something else at play here.

    A very Merry Christmas too you. Please know you are not alone. If that is the one gift you receive this year.

    Many of us live under lock and key in our own homes.