Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Echolette, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    my 16 year old showed me a text from difficult child last night..."I'll give you a free bag or $5 for every new customer you bring me, k"

    I went from shocked to nauseated to now...very very very angry.

    I tried to post on an anonymous hotline to the police, but the service was dead.

    I told my ex, who sent difficult child a text saying he loved him but that he had to stay away from every one in both our households until he is clean and in a halfway house or he will call the police.

    I sent him a facebook message saying he is disgusting.

    So much for detaching with love.

    I'm just trying to settle my burning anger/disgust/grief/despair. So far a 5 mile run didn't do it...talking to ex didn't do it...sending message only made me worse...

    I think it is back to posting, time, and I'll meditate later this morning.

  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Oh Echo. I would be furious. So rock solid angry. I am so sorry. He is in the taking-10-steps-backward-mode.

    Like SO said to me last week: He isn't done cookin'...when I asked, what in the world is it going to take? I mean really, it's insane, your difficult child and my difficult child. Totally stupid.

    I totally agree with your ex and the boundary he set. I love that he was able to say he loved him but...

    Echo, remember, he is in the grip of an awful disease. He is sick, Echo. He is going to have to find his own way through this, as you know. 10 steps back, and then maybe, 12 steps forward. Just like us.

    And now, you are going to have to go through the stages of grief again. Again.

    Shock and denial, pain and guilt, Anger and bargaining, depression, reflection, loneliness, and then, finally, into more acceptance. Just let it flow, Echo. You have to walk through it.

    You are already doing what you need to do with the 5-mile run, Echo. Keep moving forward. You will be okay. Feel your feelings and be kind to yourself. Just keep on.

    You need flowers, Echo! Lots and lots of flowers. And start cooking, Echo. You like to do that. Take a nap Echo. Sit in silence, if you can and when you can.

    Echo, look up and out. Right now the other shore is a long way away, but you can see it, can't you? It's there. I promise. Keep moving toward it.

    I am so sorry that you are in this place. I am so sorry that difficult child is in this place. I just want to shake him.

    You are here with us. We are here for you. We are circling the wagons, Echo. We're here. Keep posting.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Circling you with light and love......
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Echo, I'm so sorry. I would be furious beyond words. I too think your ex is right.

    That is not your son, that is the addict that has taken over. Until addict steps down, no contact is the only way to go.

    And I would definitely put this at the top of my "Remember This" list the next time difficult child asked for help.

    We are here for you.

    This really sucks.
  5. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    So sorry Echo, and so sorry for your 16 year old.

    He showed you the text Echo, he didn't consider doing anything else with it. Focus on the other 3 Echo, maybe they need you right now, need you to be strong and need you to show them how to do it, how to detach from their brother, leave him to his disease for now, not let him corrupt them, love him at a distance. You can do this Echo, you can deal with this and, as COM says, look for the far shore and make your way there.

    More rude tennis today?
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2014
  6. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Hi echo my wagon is late joining the circle, had group this morning. I'm so sorry he has done this to all of you. What a horrible position to be put into. You are obviously a great mother that your 16yo could feel safe bringing this to you. My kids would have deleted it or been out spending the money they got from hooking up all their little burnout friends.

    You got me beat here I would have jumped straight to furious, and the nerve of him to involve his sibling in this toxic nonsense!

    You showed more love then I could have mustered up, I would have snagged that phone from my teen and gone to the police department to find out where and when their undercover officer wants to meet up with my kid as his new customer.

    You and your ex did well, you need to keep your other kids safe from him right now. It's time to reestablish and fine tune those boundaries with him (and if he won't respect them time to build a big brick wall) Not much else you can do but keep the rest of the family safe.

    sending hugs and positive energy

    Anger management ideas- roll up the car windows turn the music up and scream, tearing up old phone books or going hedge clipper crazy on a bush or tree that I want gone, times I will grab a piece of scrap wood and just pound nails into it or drill it full of holes (hand drill no power tools until you calm down) and last but not least breath (think word "calm" on inhale and "down" on exhale)
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry ECHO, what a terrible sucker punch you received.

    Sending you hugs and prayers for your family.

    Good for your 16 year old to tell you the truth.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You are all better than I am. I wouldn't care if he had a disease or mental illness AND a disease if he tried recruiting my other child. I'd probably need a long, long break from him. Some older drug using kids DO try or succeed in getting their younger siblings to take drugs and join their rotten world. Misery loves company. But there are also drug users who tell their siblings, "If you ever turn out like me, I'll kill you before you can do it."

    I don't know how to handle it. I know if it were me, I would need a long break and I'd be terrified that he'd ramp up his urging. And he would have got more than "you're disgusting" on FB from me. He did not have to make the decision to involve his sibling. What was the point?

    Only you know what your boy was before he took drugs. Sometimes drugs changes one into a sick person and a mean person, but sometimes they were never all that nice to begin with and they got into drugs which didn't help any. Either way, I would probably put this into the "I'm going to watch my younger kid's contact with this older kid until I can't anymore" category and I'd be too angry to see anything but red.

    I'm so, so, so sorry you have to deal with this. To me, it's just a step too much. And I think he did it partly to upset you and partly to get your other son as sick as he is. Many hugs.
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh I'm so very sorry to read this! How horrible, both for you and your daughter, but it's wonderful she came to you instead of just letting it go. I know I have no words of wisdom, but know that I'm thinking of you and sending good vibes.
  10. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    A few more details...difficult child stopped by the place of work of my OTHER teenage easy child son yestarday..difficult child looks like what he is, a crazy street person, so the other staff at easy child's job were disconcerted, and found easy child with a "some one who says he is your brother is here."

    easy child son said to difficult child "go away and do not ever come to my work again."

    I am left to assume that difficult child was planning to make the same offer to him.

    It was interesting how text-receiving easy child son told me. He couldn't tell me, actually, he had to just hold his phone out for me to see. First he showed it to SO. I asked what they were looking at, what it said, and easy child held it out to me silently.

    This morning I asked him to take a screen shot and send it to me, which he did.

    The saddest part was his brave answer to his stupid brother..

    all he said by reply was "no."

    to which difficult child replied "k".

    I will add that neither easy child is an angel...but there is a big line between an experiential teen who is basically a good kid (I applaud that approach to growing up) and a difficult child.

    BAck to me..

    Thank you, Child, for reminding me of the sequence of dealing with loss. I had forgotten it, and it is helpful to have it presented again. It makes it seem doable, manageable, surviveable. It helps to remember that I am part of a pattern of humanity.

    Thank you pasajes. I can always feel when the members of the board draw close in support. We all know what that feels like and how great it is.

    I think that has to be so. I have always been reluctant to dignify his drug use with the term addict...I think he glamorizes himself in a Rebel Without A Cause Angry YOung Man way by calling himself an addict...I think he is a dual diagnosis drug abuser...but what the heck do I know. And certainly, until drugs (and friends and living like a troll under a bridge) are out of the picture, no contact is the only way to go.

    He did. That must have been hard for him. And his other easy child brother, standing up to difficult child (although actually difficult child towers over difficult child, and is devoted to working out so he is quite an intimidating specimen). Still, when he told me...he had that "its all cool mom" look, and then his face crumpled and he said "it sucks that I have to deal with this." Today he said..."I just wish he would get hit by a bus, it would be so much easier."

    So yes, the wounds of a lifetime with difficult child run deep. I forget sometimes because the boy PCs, more than their sister, like to look they have it all together, its all cool, I'm fine with it, thanks mom, I love you. I forget their vulnerability. I forget that someday they'll be on a board like this late at night trying to figure out the root of their own issues, talking about growing up with difficult child...and with their mom!

    I did make sure to get some time alone with each of them last night. I don't think I'll tell difficult child's sister (twin). She lives 2000 miles away and is particularly vulnerable to his behavior. I don't think she needs to know, at least not acutely.

    My plan last night was to contact the police. I wanted to sleep on it. When I called my ex, difficult child's dad, this morning to let him know, he initially supported it then called back and said he didn't want to be responsible for difficult child going to jail. So instead he wrote the message about staying away.

    I went on line to the reporting system anyway, but the system has been shut down. I know it works because once a long time ago I reported the guy who was dealing to difficult child...and damn if the cops didn't call me later to tell me they had arrested him. But right now I'm not going to take it any further.

    I like this! particularly the hedge clipper. A friend of mine told me that he used to go into the basement and smash all the bottles in the recycling bin. I did that one night in my driveway...smashed all the bottles against a wall a few years ago. A neighbor called to tell me the kids were up to something...I said thank you, I'll take care of that (hahahahah my daughter is still mad at me for throwing her under the bus that way!!!)

    That is what it felt like. I was so stunned I couldn't even react.

    It is. On top of the lightfingered thievery, it is too much.

    I hadn't thought of that...it may well be so. I do think he envies his easy child siblings, all of whom are better at school and life than he is.

    I DO need flowers! I hadn't thought of that! lots of flowers, with lots of scent!

    It is really nice that you remember I like to cook.

    And all the other suggestions are the right way to go as well.

    That is a good image. I think I will print that out and put it by my computer. The shore is there.

    and again, reinforced.

    haha. no, one must be in the right mood to be saucy. I did play hookey from work and met up with SO for a quick dip and 15 minutes in a lawn chair at a local pool. That was good.

    I'll go home, stop at a farmer's market, cook a little, walk the dogs, buy out the flower shop (there is a great one at the end of my block), have a glass of wine.

    I'm gonna pretend I only have three kids for a while. That feels like a relief to me.

    with much affection and gratitude,

    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    First, I apologize for identifying your son as your daughter. :)

    How sad. This broke my heart. It's hard to see even your difficult child suffering...it must be even harder to have to watch your other kids suffer because of them.

    That does sound like a plan. I hope you have a peaceful evening.
  12. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Lil, the value of taking the time to respond FAR outweighs the non-issue of gender misidentification!

    Thank you for reading and walking along with me.

  13. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Ouch, Echo.

    It's always better to know the truth of our situations. Your child is going a wrong way. A mother's love cannot touch, heal, or change the path an addicted child must walk to overcome his addiction. You have been given a precious opportunity to protect and advise your younger children.

    I did not protect my youngest.

    Yes Echo. It's a betrayal. That's the nature of addiction. It's not wrong to love your addicted child. We need to acknowledge the truth of the paths our addicted loved ones are walking and protect ourselves and our other children...and you are doing that, Echo.

    It's not the child that is bad. It's the situation.

    Hope dies hard Echo. Love your son, yourselves, your life. Thank your lucky stars that your child came to you.

    Holding you and yours in my heart tonight, Echo.

  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh ECHO, it's a tough nut all around. Surround yourself with flowers, the aroma of a good meal, have a nice glass of wine and revel in how loved you are............. and allow yourself to rest in that knowledge for tonight, for tomorrow...........hold on to that thought...........

    We're all holding you in our thoughts and prayers...........we know just how you feel right now.........you're not alone....... we're all here.........
  15. RBMom

    RBMom New Member

    ECHO, so sorry to hear about what your difficult child is trying to do but glad to hear that your 16 year old was brave enough to let you know. I can't offer much advice since I'm still new on these forums except to continue to surround yourself with the love of your SO and your other children. I pray that things will improve.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Just thinking of you today, friend, and hoping today is a better day. Lots of hugs.
  17. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    thank you, Child. Honestly, the support of the board got me through the day. I had a totally unproductive evening that involved way too many carbs and sweets, went to bed early, and woke up feeling a bit better. Have the day off today and am working around the house with the help of my easy child boys.

    The power of the board to provide solace, comfort, support and even sometimes guidance is awesome. These days are so much easier than equally bad ones in the past. Bless you all.

  18. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Cedar, I"m not sure that is right. I am pretty committed to the idea that intention and good thoughts and being kind or thoughtful in your own mind isn't enough...in the very end it is about what you do. You are your acts. difficult child is his acts. I"m not finding much space for love or kindness or even anger or hate in my heart for him right now. Just...nothing. Like he is already gone, just a bad sad memory.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  19. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Hi echo, still here with you. I get it! My ex was the love of my life, but the fact is something inside him is broken... the damage was done many years before I even met him. Even though I still love him, think of him every day and pray for him I will never be able to get past the damage he did to me, my family, my world. I doubt I will ever here the song "my favorite mistake" Cheryl Crow without thinking of him.

    For all of us maybe instead of thinking of people as good/bad maybe we should take it a little broader and start thinking along the lines of dented or broken. We all hope that with enough love, understanding, the right therapy or medication we can fix what is broken in our kids but the fact is some people are just born broken.

    My 17yo child was inconsolable from birth, was over a year old when crawled for the first time, about 5yo before anyone could understand anything she was saying. She is a good person and has a kind heart that is why I haven't given up on her. Her father though is broken and even though I love him I have to give up on him or I wouldn't be able to heal and get on with the rest of my life.

    throwing another log on that fire to help keep those coyotes out and sending more hugs and positive energy

  20. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you Echo. Glad you are off and spending time with your easy child's today. Hope you have a good, uneventful, day. :)