Pure venom

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, May 19, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest


    Where to start....

    difficult child came in here and asked if easy child has gone to the store. Yep, he went last night. She complained that he didn't get her any of her ziti. I told her that I sent easy child to get her so I could ask her what she wanted, but she wouldn't come. She said she was still mad at me and didn't want to talk to me. Told her I was still angry with her, too, but I was still going to ask her what she wanted from the store.

    THEN she tells me she doesn't even know what I was so upset about!!! She said, "Would you rather I just keep it all inside and not say anything and end up hating you?" :faint: :surprise: :stopglass:

    I told her she had no right to speak to me that way. That she has no responsibility around the house and I asked her to do one small thing and she was out of line. She told me that she was tired and she didn't want to do something that I was perfectly capable of doing. :faint: :surprise: :stopglass:

    Then I brought up her schoolwork. How we had a deal when I agreed to let her do this online school that she had to keep up with it. Of course, that's all my fault. I never help her. Correction. I take too long to help her. She said she tells me she needs help and I "take my time coming in here because whatever is on tv is more important". That's really interesting because I *might* watch 4 hours of tv a week and it's always in the evening. She's going on and on and on about how I never help her, I'm always this or always that.

    I just got real quiet and didn't say a word. Inside my head is spinning and I'm just seething. Then she asks me, "Well, aren't you going to respond."

    So I did. It went something along the lines of: "I never come in and help you? That's BS, Wynter. First of all, I'm always in here with you when you do your work. I might walk out of the room for a minute or two, but I'm always sitting right here with you. You don't want to do the work. You want to argue about how it's too hard, you can't do it, blah, blah, blah before you even look at the lesson. You have teachers you can call for help. They have daily online classes that you don't want to attend and when you do attend you don't want to participate. It is your schoolwork and your responsibility. I am happy to help you. I will not battle with you everyday anymore about doing your work. Bottom line is I'm not going to be the one that fails; you are."

    She got quiet and I didn't look at her. Then, crying, says to me that she hates living here and do I even realize that the only time she cries is after she talks to me. Told her I was sorry she has such a horrible mother. She said she is, too.

    Is she too old to put up for adoption?

    NOTHING is ever her fault. Everyone is supposed to bail her out. We are all here to make life easy for her while she just skates on by.

    I've tried so hard to parent her and to help her, guide her. Have I really failed this miserably? I have no idea where to go from here.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I am totally serious about what I am going to tell you. It's not a secret, it's really not meant to be funny at all. It is more of a survival tactic. And I'll take the heat from anyone who wants to come to my house, ANY day of the week and battle words with my son when he's on a rant and oh how many people can I make feel sorry for MEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee today binge.


    Foam earplugs. Ipods are too obvious and the little foam things are hidden by your hair. It does not STOP all the sounds - and being fair at lip reading and sign language, and study of body language it's really NOT about blocking them out - ti's about TONING them down. And they help.

    I've never let Dude know I had them in - and he has gone on some 3 hours plus rants - and I was told to IGNORE him - and then I have to hear almost IDENTICAL to what Wynter said to you - it's like there must be a manual and we can't get a copy. There must be headings for each parental dis.

    1.) How to get under her skin with a look
    2.) How to give them a migraine
    3.) How to perpetuate a fight over nothing
    4.) Air how it can be fouled
    5.) Hair pulling - watch your mom go bald
    6.) Insanity - it's for everyone
    7.) Watch what happens when you
    a.) threaten by picking up car keys with no permit
    b.) tell them the world is harder today and they didn't have to live with
    gang violence.
    c.) Say BUT DONNA GOT HER nipple pierced - ways to get your tongue
    8.) Throwing things - NOT JUST FOR TODDLERS IN A HIGH CHAIR!!
    9.) Tantrums - Getting what you want with WHINE

    And I think their book just goes on and on and they read it like a Harry Potter Series - a new book comes out with updated **** in it each year they get older because we get wiser so they must get tougher.

    Sending you earplugs to desensitize your hearing - it really helps - I was surprised how much better I was able to respond to Dude without the shrieking and damage to the little hairs in my ears.

  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Sorry you have had such a hard night- or more than one night. I don't know the answer- but from the past couple of threads you have started, it sounds like you are trying to reason with someone who is not thinking or dealing with things rationally. Sometimes when difficult child is this way, I just shut down from him (for a short period) and tell him that when he can discuss things rationally, I will be more than happy to discuss it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it pushes things to a different point. Even when it pushes things to a different point, it might lead to him becoming a little more honest with himself, then me, albeit it will be after a meltdown or a rage. I guess, I am saying that it sounds like something is "brewing". There have been a couple of times that I have told difficult child (and stuck by) that if he shuts down, then I shut down- I don't cook dinner, do laundry, etc. I tell him there is bread and p-nut butter and jelly and he's old enough to make himself a sandwich. Given that he is an adolescent boy with one growth spurt after another, this typically brings things to a head within a day. I am sure there must be a better way- but I don't know what it is right now.

    I am sorry you are so frustrated- I can see why you would be. Hang in there. Be prepared- it sounds like something is stirring...
    like a rage and then a meltdown and then a talk to get to the root of the problem.
    Oh, now I see- she is going through the raging hormone-total independence-so why aren't we doing everything for them-age- just like my son.


    I'm waiting for Star's book.
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I understand Wynter has a disorder and some of this is not under her control, but she is way out of line.

    She needs to understand (as my father used to say) which side her bread is buttered on. It may be time for her to have a reality check about all you do for her.

  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Sounds alot like my easy child diva at that age (Don't be too scared, but she is still like that - I wasn't good at parenting it out of her)

    Your difficult child's ""Would you rather I just keep it all inside and not say anything and end up hating you?" is something I have always thought about with my kids. I often said I would rather know what they were thinking than not. (And even though she was allowed to let it all out, my easy child still ended up hating me.)

    I didn't do this with my easy child but I wish I would have tried. Tell her you always want to know what she is feeling but she needs to learn how to tell you in a respectful way. I am working on this with my difficult child. I have learned that kids can be respectful in how they vent (wish I knew that 8 years ago when easy child started). After a disrespectful vent, say, "Can you repeat that in a more respectful tone? I want to know how you are feeling but I do not want to feel like you are attacking me."
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My deepest darkest thought is that kids should be buried at around age 11 or 12 and dug up at around age 22. They simply are not fit to be around during those ten or so years.

    I like the foam earplug idea...may have to invest in some myself though I rather effectively tune out everyone when I dont want to hear them.

    I think I would institute some form of logical consequences here. Treat her the way she treats you. Dont do a darn thing more for her than you legally have to, stick the ear plugs in and let her whine. She can walk to the store to get her own ziti if its that important to her. Or put up a grocery list form on the fridge that people can write things on that they notice are needed in the house. Institute a bit of do to get so she can earn money for her extras that she wants above the basics you will provide. Let her learn what needs versus wants are.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    OK, something just clicked with me.

    In Wynter's mind, maybe HER idea of "mom helping me with homework" is not the same as MOM'S idea of doing it.

    She can physically see that you are there. She KNOWS that you are there next to her. But her complaints are "it is too hard, I don't get it, I can't, etc." Perhaps she is waiting for you to do it for her. And in her mind, THAT is "help". She does not want to know how o help herself, she wants you to do it for her, and THAT is her interpretation of help. So any actual help that you are giving to her, she is not seeing as help at all. Know what I mean??
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Shortly after I posted this, I went to her room to talk to her. She was lying on her bed, but not crying. I told her that tomorrow we would just start over...clean slate. She started to argue with me and I told her that I didn't go there to argue, that I was still very angry and didn't want to talk about anything other than what I came to say. Repeated the clean slate thing. Told her that she would have to buckle down to get her grades up to pass, but that I was more than willing to sit with her and help her the entire way. But, I told her that if she started yelling at me, arguing with me about doing her work that I was going to stop helping her. Asked if we had a deal. She said No. I said Fine and left her room.

    A few minutes later she came into the kitchen and got a sprite and stormed out of the room. But, I thought I heard movement and turned around and she had come back and was standing at the counter fidgeting with things, running her finger around the top of the sprite can. I asked her if there was something she wanted to say.

    She said that she doesn't try to argue with me and that she doesn't know how to say what she needs and it just comes out the way it does. We talked about presentation....how to use 'I' statements as in 'I need' or 'I feel' as opposed to 'You always' and 'You never'. Talked about her taking responsibility for her own stuff instead of blaming it on other people. She said she understands but that she gets so frustrated with school work that she just wants to take someone's head off and she doesn't know what to do. I kinda tossed that back at her and told her that when she screams at me because she's frustrated then *I* feel like I want to take someone's head off. She seemed to understand that then...how frustrating it becomes for me, too.

    So, we got that out there. Still have to work on handling these issues, but it's a start. I'm exhausted. Drained.
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like my house...seems like anything I do, say, or think is wrong, and then I get total attitude, complete with eye rolling and b!tchy tone, over basically nothing at all. This afternoon she got mad at me for singing to the rat. Then she decided to do a load of laundry (since I don't do anything anyway), and the suggestion that she not wash anything but black with Hubby's new black pants, so nothing would be stained, and my offer to zip and button the pants while she put the other stuff down was met with incredible rudeness.

    Hugs to you. I'm hoping I can last through another year of this.
  10. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Sorry. I know how you feel. You try and try and try and get nowhere.

    Sometimes I think to myself, "Why does difficult child hate me? All I have done is tried to give him a good life. I have done everything for him. Does he know the sacrifices we have made so........" I remind myself that he has a mood disorder and isn't capable of thinking as rationally as I am but it still hurts.

  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    This sounds so familiar.
    I love Star's list! :) :) :)
    All I can say is detach, detach, detach.
    Also, if you saw Dr. Rosemond's column this weekend, it was a similar issue but with-a 4-yr-old. He said parents have to have a sense of humor and just walk away. He gave the ex. of a kid who wanted to move out, or have his mom and dad move out, and the response would be something like, "Okay. I'll get a huge mansion with-a swimming pool and every now and then I'll invite you over, and we'll have parties, but in the meantime you have to go to sleep."
    Then walk away. No more conversation. No taking it personally.
    Since Wynter is delayed and has emotional issues, she is not going to act at all adult-like for many yrs. She may get ticked that you "don't take her seriously," but it will help you keep your sanity.
    Please grow a rhino skin. And get earplugs.
    Take care.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    As Fran says, "Do to get."

    If she isn't doing anything, she shouldn't get anything. Not even sprite. Water is a fine drink.

    raising kid can really suc&. I like the barrel idea some days.


  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I thought I'd die laughing at the you want me to hate you comment. I think I would have said YES! I understand Wynter is going through all the hormonal stuff and that she really does have some issues. However, she needs to understand that she doesn't have the right to talk to you any way she chooses. Getting frustrated is not an excuse. As hard as it is for our girls, they need to learn to control their mouth. If they don't learn it at Wynter's age, they're going to have a hard time surviving as they get older.

    You, my dear, are a wonderful mother. I think many of us would have at least seriously considered knocking our child's teeth out rather than wondering what we were doing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. It is the age, the issues, not the parenting.

    I'm glad that she at least admitted that it is frustration talking. It is a shame she couldn't have the common courtesy to apologize for her behavior. I think until you got a sincere apology, her little world would come to a screeching halt. No Sprite, no Ziti, no Sims or non-school computer time, no TV, no cute little gloves or black outfits. If she insists on making you miserable, the least you can do is reciprocate. Sometimes we really do need to use that shovel to get the message across that we are there for them, we do do things for them, that we do love them. (Kind of like my turning my daughter into a tenant. It wasn't fun but it did let her see just how much I did in fact do for her and how much I really did care.)
  14. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I'm going through the same thing with my 11yo. I don't do anything for her. In fact At times I will tell her come talk to me, ask me again, in 5 minutes when you can talk to be with respect/nice. Sometimes it actually works other times it doesn't. Let me tell you though, we're talking high levels of disrespect like F* you, shut the F up, etc... very very foul language! When the cursing steps in there isn't any "come back and talk to me in 5 minutes". It's a done deal! Period!

    As for the homework help, yes, it could be if you aren't doing it FOR her you aren't helping. Mine was just like that until I flat out said I am NOT doing it for you. I will help you but I'm not doing it for you. I had to literally break it down into tiny tiny step by step, me being there each minute to help her though. She doesn't process things even for the normal 11 year old emotionally or otherwise. We've finally got that figured out but what we haven't solved is the piece of "does she get it, if she gets it does she even care". That is the biggest puzzle piece to be yet be solved and THEN maybe we'd really be able to help her out much better other then limping along as we are now.