quick vent...why is it the parent's fault?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PlainJane, Aug 17, 2013.

  1. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    I've read a lot on ODD since my son really fits the diagnosis, but isnt officially diagnosis that ..yet...When I google ODD, I seem to find a large amount of informative sites that say or suggest that its caused by something the parent did, like "ineffective dicsipline" or my favorite, from a parent the failed to bond with the child...

    Well what I'd like to know is what if you have more than one child and all are fine except one? How do they explain that? I'm so sick of all these psychologists with their theories that still blame the parent. wtf....My other son is 100% normal, only my older son has all these problems. But somehow I'm to blame...
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member


    I think it has a lot to do with fit. There are many things in life, where it often is not about something being good or bad, but something being a good fit to that particular situation. It is very possible, that certain parenting style is a good fit to certain child with certain temperament and characteristics and simply doesn't work with the child with different temperament and characteristics.

    That is not fair! Not at all. But still sometimes the only way to try to help situation is try to learn a different, more fitting, parenting strategy and style.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    At least in the US, ODD is pretty much a garbage diagnosis without a lot of credibility. Psychiatrists rarely use it. It basically means "we don't know what's wrong." It is usually therapists, not the more highly credentialed professionals such as psychiatrists and neuropsychologists who blame the parents. Science is beginning to show a strong genetic link to mental illness and behavioral problems. Most of us on this board don't put much credence in ODD and it rarely stands alone. It means "defiant child." Ok, so WHY is the child defiant? ADHD? Autism? A mood disorder? A learning disability? it is better to look beyond ODD because all of our kids here fit ODD, but they all have it for different reasons and I don't think many of us are even trying to treat just ODD. It is meaningless by itself.

    If I were you, and live in the US, I would find a good neuropsychologist and have your child tested thoroughly. You won't be told it is your fault. In t he US, Neuropsychs tend to be the ones who do intensive testing. Even regular psychologists tend to stick more to talk therapy. The testing is key.

    Your son is an Aspie/Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) (same thing...spectrum kids). Because their brains are wired differently, they can not handle life easily and need interventions. I would fire any professional who says it's due to your parenting and find one who knows better. This is NOT your fault. It is different wiring in the brain that they are born with. Often it runs in the DNA, even if nobody older has been diagnosed (doesn't mean they didn't have it). Theories are guesses and not scientific and are always changing. Freud has all but been wiped off the map, as far as credibility.

    Hugs and stop beating yourself up just because professionals, friends, kissing cousins, teachers, the lady in the park, etc. may not understand brain disorders and people tend to blame you. They are pretty clueless.
  4. IT1967

    IT1967 Member

    I've never read anything that says ODD is the parents' fault. That's upsetting and I don't think accurate. :(
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I've read a LOT that links ODD to parenting.

    However... to answer the poster's direct question:
    My experience? In this case, ODD is a totally incorrect diagnosis. There is something else going on. Your medical team hasn't found it. School is probably pinning the blame on you and supporting a behavior-based label. But... it's probably something else. Could be developmental, could be MI, but... either way, those are not caused by parenting. You are seeing ODD-like behaviors. But the cause is different, and any interventions, accommodations, therapies and/or medications will be based on the cause rather than on the behavior.

    These are not likely to be your situation:

    Failure to bond causes Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), which can sort of look like ODD, but it's a lot more scary. Not necessarily current parents: may show up in older adopted kids, because of how their early years were.

    Ineffective parenting can cause behavior problems. Usually, there will be a pattern in the kids. One of a number in the same home might find other sources of support etc. and do better than some of the others, but it's not usual for it to be just one out of n kids in the same home. Not all behavior problems are ODD... either.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You hear it mostly from the less educated mental health professionals...talk therapists and social workers. In all my years of taking my son around and trying to get him correctly diagnosed, the only ones I heard ODD from were those who were not neuropsychs or psychiatrists. Actually, ODD never was even uttered by those two professionals. These behavioral disorders, unless we gave our kids knowingly a very chaotic early young life or drank and did drugs while pregnant, are NOT THE PARENT'S FAULTS. The mental health profession by and large is run by theory and old ideas die first at the top (Psychiatrists) and trickle down.

    Don't let ANYONE tell you it's your parenting. If anyone tells you that, FIRE him/her and find somebody who has a better understanding of mental health and neurological issues. Just like all fields, there are the good, the bad, and the clueless. And NEVER listen to a teacher or Auntie Sally who raised three perfect kids because she spanked them! Teachers are educators, not medical diagnosticians and Aunt Sally got lucky that her kids listened to her...had nothing to do about the spanking behind the woodshed.
  7. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the ffedback. Its so frustrating because difficult child who will be 6 in a week, has been going to doctors and therapists since before 2 years old. His Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis is from 2 years old and his doctor is not sure if thats the case...but we just keep plugging along. I spoke with a parent the has a daughter with the same behavoirs as difficult child, even the really strange ones that the doctor cant seem to figure out and her daughter now 18 ultimately ended up with a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis.

    difficult child fights about everything. He even baits people into fights. husband sees this too.

    This morning at breakfast we had oatmeal. I served him. He ate some yogurt first. I said to him " the oatmeal is still hot so wait a few minutes to eat it"...so he stopped eating his yogurt, and took a bite of the oatmeal and burned his mouth, and yelled at me "why didn't you tell me it was hot!?"

    He actually burned himself to do the opposite of what I said (Wait to eat oatmeal) and to yell at me for not warning him when I did.

    That is sick, I cant see that being Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). He will do anything to do the opposite of what he's told and to fight. Now even his own safety doesnt matter to him when he is making sure he doesnt "listen" to anyone's "orders".

    I really like his doctor but I have a gut feeling that Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is not it, or maybe isnt the only issue. He is friendly, charming and manipulative. He does not have the social presence expected with a child on the spectrum. I cant put my finger on it. My gut says a personality disorder...narcissistic...if he were an adult he'd almost fit that. Even husband agrees that it is scary how manipulative he is for 5 years old. We both would never have believed a child could be like this...difficult child is like something out of the good son. Don't get me wrong, he's not violent, thank god, but I could see him lying about..say a teacher doing something inappropriate to get back at them for bossing him around...I'm probably jumping the gun with that...I just dont know how to change his behavoir, the way he's going ...

    I mostly blame myself. My parents blame me. None of thetherapists or docs have blame me..but I keep thinking I could have stopped this if I held him more or something...I know that sound crazy...but I just get stuck in the what if place...then these websites out there say its caused by the parents, that "we" disliked them from birth...and thats not true. Why wouls I ever dislike a baby? difficult child wasnt even a crier until about 6 months, then the meltdowns started and never stopped. But I still wonder if I could have changed something, and those websites just reinforce that guilt.
  8. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Is there any chance your difficult child has AD/HD and just heard the bolded part - "the oatmeal is still hot so wait a few minutes to eat it"?

    I can see my difficult child doing the same thing and wonder if he could just be spacing out or thinking of something else and doesn't hear all of what you are saying. ???

    My difficult child seems to hate using and listening to a lot of words. The fewer the better in his mind. Seems my husband is that way too - so maybe he is tuning a lot out.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jane, did you read the websites that say blaming parents is bunk? Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), ADHD, etc. are not caused by too little cuddling. Remember, anyone can say anything on the internet and there are a lot of incompetent people writing articles on it. I think it would be good if you got a second opinion.

    Suggestion: Detach from Mom, if she's blaming you. If she is a big force in your life, naturally you are hearing her criticism every day...don't give her that power. There is absolutely nothing good about listening to her make those comments. I'd cut down contact with her and make a strict rule that if she brings up your parenting, you will gently but definitely end the phone calls or visits. Then do it. She has no business making her own daughter feel like crapola. That goes for cousins, aunts, uncles, "helpful" friends, teachers (they are not mental health professionals) and your neighbor down the street who fixes cars for a living. There is nothing you could have done to change the different wiring in his brain and and I'd look for supportive care...neuropsychs are good and so are most psychiatrists and some therapists who understand differently wired kids. If they start to blame you, they can't help you or your child. Run for the hills :)

    p.s.--Neurologists do not diagnose childhood disorders unless they are epilepsy and other more concrete things. They don't do the same testing as a neuropsychologist. Neuropsychs do the most intensive testing in this country. Psychologists, for some reason, don't seem to test much at all and, if they do, they cut it short.