Really need advice.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Beanner, Oct 8, 2017.

  1. Beanner

    Beanner New Member

    My Son had a very bad summer, well a really bad past year, but this summer he wen inpatient at Children's for depression. Once he got out things seemed to be getting back on track and he started dating "C". Then he started slipping back. Not because of "C" because he is a stubborn child who wanted to be mad at his parents After two attempts to hurt himself,in August I called the police and forced him back into the hospital, where after he attended a partial program for sometime. It is taking sometime and a lot of ups and downs but I have seen more of the "old" Son since that program. Here is where things get tricky for me. He decided to break up with "C". She also has problems with depression and has attempted to hurt herself a couple of times. So she is very sad about the break up. Since they didn't date long, and I was focused on trying to get Son better I did not know much about "C". I knew her parents were divorced, she lived with her mom and her mom's current boyfriend and sees her dad a couple times a week. I knew that because of the attempts to hurt herself she was not suppose to be left home alone and a couple times Son had called about curfew since her mom had not come home on time. I know a couple time Son stayed the night at the house because the mom was out so late I did not want him driving at 3 or 4 in the morning. Since they broke up she has called me because she feels so alone now. What I did not know is that her mom goes out drinking at night and the 4 in the morning thing is a normal occurrence. Now that Son isn't around to stay with her the mom is upset because this interferes with her going out. Her dad will not let her come live at his house because she does not get along with her dad's girlfriends son. Before I learned this I talked with the mom and said that I thought the PHP program would be good for "C" too, but I have a feeling that the mom was not going for it. Now I am unsure what to do.. I have a sweet girl who feels all alone, by what she has told me is alone and has no one she counts on and that is why she wants to hang on to Son. On the other I have a son who seems to want to move on, and I don't think she will do that if I continue to let her come to me when she needs someone. At the same time I can not just back away because I am afraid she is all alone and I am afraid of what will happen if I am not there for her. I do not know how to proceed. I was wondering if you could give me any advice or insight.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If she is under 18, call child protective services. There is nothing else you can do. This is not your child. You have no legal recourse. But you can make her mother meet a social worker who may want to help C. CPS would have the power that you do not.

    If she is over 18, you cant do anythig except be there to the extent that you want. She would be old enough at 18 to get help herself.

    You are kind to care.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I agree with SWOT. Your son is your child and it is sad this girl is in the predicament that she is in.

    There may also be a help line she can call in your area. This is not a situation that is going to improve over night.
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Your loyalty MUST be to your son. He has to know that he has your loyalty. If the girl is underage, call CPS. You may want to let your son know about these calls so that the girl cannot tell him that his mother wants them to be together or some other nonsense. You don't want her to twist this into some type of conflama and drive a wedge between you and your son. Plus he may know more about the situation than she is telling you.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  5. Beanner

    Beanner New Member

    Thank you for your advice. I have talked with my son. He did say he felt a lot of pressure to keep her from hurting herelf while they were dating. I did tell him that I agree with his decision and that was too much pressure for a relationship when he is just 17. I also said that we have worked hard to get him to the point he is now and we both know we still have a way to go. I told him that it was just the type of person that I am that my heart aches for "C" but he was my priority.

    Since I did not feel C's mom listened I ended up e-mailing her father and he seemed more open. My heart still aches for her but I know that I can not be the support person for her.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Beanner

    It seems you are doing all you can. I agree that your priority is your son. He cannot be a crutch for this young girl as he is dealing with his own issues.

    You do not want to be the girl's "go to person" when things get tough for her. It's a sad situation, it really is.

    Hang in there!
     
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If you truly feel a need to do more, give the school counselor a call. They may be able to direct the girl or her family to more resources. I am glad her father listened.
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    They always manage to find the broken ones. I believe it is because aside from there battle with drugs they are soft sensitive loving people.

    My son was tangled with a girls who was a depressed anorexic who was self harming and suicidal. It was a terrible time full of distress, tears anxiety and struggle. He has let her go and she reached out to me. I empathized with her and explained she needs help and it can not be from me. I have provided community resources to her in the past and reminded her again where she could go to seek help.
    She has been threatening self harm and I have explained to my son that he has his own struggles and challenges, and he is not accountable for hers. As sad as he feels for her he can not stay with someone out of fear or pity.
    He has signs of maturity and did not seek to drown his emotions in alcohol or drugs. He has found another girl, Wash Rinse Repeat sigh.