Recommendations for rehab?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by startingfresh, Aug 22, 2018.

  1. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    After a good year of progress, my son is not doing so well. He quit his job, got a ticket for marijuana possession and most recently had a car accident and totaled his car (thank God he didn't get injured or injure anyone else). He is very depressed about the mess he has gotten himself into and realizing he is pretty low on choices has agreed to go into treatment. I think he needs some sort of inpatient where he gets away from his life and has a chance to work solely on himself. I started with my insurance company and they won't cover treatment for weed. Just not awful enough I guess. :( I want him to go to a dual diagnosis center where they can help with the depression and substance abuse far from the temptations that being home bring. We will have to move forward with self pay.

    I know many of you have been through this and I dug around for recommendations. Can someone point me to a place to start. I feel so uneasy going with just a place I googled. Thank you!
     
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think that most places that I know of deal with dual diagnosis nowadays - at least that was my experience but without insurance it is very costly.

    I think a faith based program is best and doesn't use insurance but they don't deal with dual diagnosis. They feel that many of the anxiety and depression stems FROM drug use and is not a reason they use drugs. I have found that to be true for our son but I cannot speak for anyone else.

    I'm sorry your son is not getting better. It's just not fair how some can party a little and be fine and my son just goes completely down the tubes.

    I agree getting him away from there is a good idea but in the end unless THEY want to quit, they don't no matter what we do.

    Is your son still 18? That is quite young.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree.

    My son has been in several dual diagnosis treatment programs. He responded in both because he was off drugs. He was transferred out of the first one, I think because they thought his problems were too serious. The second and third programs were fly by night. All of these were paid for by insurance.

    My son likes the idea of thinking of his problems as related to mental illness. Why? Because he loves the drugs. He will deal with short term abstinence...necessary while he is treatment...and as soon as he is out, resumes the drugs, which he sees as positive....

    He knows he is self-medicating, but he does not care.

    I agree with RN. I do not ever want my son close to me in any kind of sustained way, unless he completes a faith based program such as Salvation Army, even though I am not a Christian. I truly believe the issue is primarily drugs, and the way they come to live, and think while drugs have been the only important things in their lives. They really come to live like animals, in my view, and these long faith-based programs re-socialize them.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2018
  4. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    Thank you Copa and Rn. I am going to look today for a faith based program. I woke up today feeling like I have hit a turning point in this hellish situation with my son. He ran his car off the road the other night into a tree and totaled his car. When I went to the scene, I just couldn't remedy his story with what I was seeing. He was just off, more so than when he smokes. I was actually thinking maybe he had a concussion as he slurring his words from time to time and seemed unsteady on his feet. Officers didn't catch this and no ticket or arrest which made me think I was looking for trouble where there was none. He spent all day yesterday feeling desperately sorry for himself, saying how his life was just so much harder than everyone elses. How awful it is to not have car, a job, money. I finally let him have it and told him to take some ownership that perhaps his life was a [email protected]# show because he keeps making terrible decisions. That every single one of those things are things he is control of and he messed up. And weed being the number one stupid thing and all else follows. That perhaps if he lived life sober and saw through clear eyes what life has to offer, he might not be so depressed. He knows that when he starts talking about depression and taking his life, I shut down and back off and get back into helping him. This time not the case because I am haunted by what could have happened with the car. I kept seeing it over and over again and his behavior afterwards. Life with him gets so confusing because he does the craziest things and acts like its normal and i start to question and forget what is normal. Like you said COPA ...living like animals.

    So he decided to come clean to me. He admitted that he knows he is the one messing up his life. That he wanted to stop the weed so he decided to get Xanax from his drug dealer. That he took more than he should and things were murky after that. Over and over again, I am thinking how he could have killed himself or someone else. That I knew he was smoking all the time and yet he had a car. I have a feeling the story is leaving out some detail, like he has done this more than once. Alas, now I have a better idea of how much of a liar much son has become. How important drugs are to him.

    This started at 15 and he is now 19. He is a roller coaster. Up and down all the time. He will have months and months even a year of calm and progress and then seems to always go back to weed. Time to switch gears and find what is missing.

    Are the Christian programs less expensive than private ones?
     
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am glad no one was hurt.but course he could hsve been.killed or killed a child. And yes I was there.My daughter had three horrible accodents.
    In one she owed a lady $14,000. That was right before she went straight. We let her pay and pay the woman for years. She had not been.using our car. It was because she had driven a friends car (idiot who lent if ro her) and could have killed a child or herself or both.

    This is the only thing I judge here and I dont expect to get any stars for bringing it up. Again.. Stars are not my goal however.

    How can we expect them to be eventually good citizens and do the right thing while we feel.so sorry for them that we buy and fund their cars for any reason? How is this different than us getting drunk and driving? We need to tske responsibility too. And if they kill somebody because they are intoxicated and driving due to our pity or hope they will get to work.are we at fault too?

    I think we are equally at fault and I did it myself until my daughter blew up our van and the kids had to scurry out of the flames and the truck was totaled. Everyone could have died. Its a miracle.nobody was hurt but I felt guilty. I had let her use our car, ,helped with insurance, she paid for gas. She never drove our vehicles again.

    It didnt completely keep her off tne road but WE never ever helped her drive after that.

    We locked the keys in a firebox. We didnt pay for her insurance. At least we were not at fault if intoxicated daughter killed someone and it was not our vehicle given to her with our blessings.

    She was eventually told to stop using, go to a hospital (we had not heard the word rehab...my family didnt use drugs) or leave. Her choice. Of course she left.

    Two other stupid "friends" let her use their cars while she was uninsured and on meth and cocaine. We didnt know her drugs of choice but her friends did .She got into accidents both times and they were her fault. She hurt a woman and not until she had been straight for three years and was in college did her dad pay off the lady. Until then Daughter kept paying slowly while she walked to and from work in the cold. The last accident scared her. The woman could have been killed and she didnt drive again until sobriety. My daughter had a heart. It helped her.

    I dont understand how so many good parents put keys in the hands of addicts. I have read this accident story over and over on this forum. If you want to give them transportation, get a bike or .train or bus pass or pay for Uber. Would you go out in your car in their impaired conditions? Why help them drive on Xanax, Valium, pot, alcohol, meth, cocaine,, heroin, or anything that impairs them that you are unsure of, etc. Buying a car, paying insurance, gas, and praying wont stop a tragedy or death. If you wouldnt drive in that condition isnt it the same thing to help them do it?

    Now if they buy and pay themselves you cant stop it. But if you do it, you own it. I owned it when my daughter blew uo.the car engine with three peers in it. I felt like I had done it!

    Please understand that a car could kill him or another or make things worse. Its too late for them to ever emotionally recover if they kill a baby or anyone. Impaired driving is the cause of 50 percent of every accident. Look it up. Why is your adult immune?

    I am the only mom I ever read about here who stopped helping an adult child drive. I dont get it. I never will. I dont bring it up much, but I dont want your kid dead of a car accident or in the grief of killing another. We have to do the right thing too.

    Ok, I love you all and off my soap box and puzzled once more. My daughter walked a lot. It didnt kill her. She quit in fact. She learned to take the bus too. But mostly walked. She says it helped her recovery.....walking a lot, even in Chicago winters. She never got sick from walking in the cold.

    I am done now. I love you all and your kids too and too want your kids as safe as possible. I do know two adults who worked at Applebees with me who rode bikes to work even in Wisconsins winters. If it got impossible they took cabs or called co workers for rides but usually biked.

    A car is a guided missle and not a neccessity even if it stops our adults from being able to drive to the dealers house faster or the next drug party. Which I suspect my daughter did a lot. We drove her to and from work after her accident or she got rides. She liked working so not having a car didnt stop her. There are ways beside a personal car.

    Love and loght!
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2018
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    OK I have had way too much experience with rehabs so here are my thoughts. I have never been involved in a faith based program so I cant really speak directly about those. I will say I think it really makes the difference if the person themselves is invested in going and feels they have some choice in the program if possible. This is the main reason we have not looked at faith based programs, my son strongly considers himself an atheist and I know he would have major issues with any faith based program. Knowing his beliefs I think in some ways it would be disrespectful of me to push a faith based program when I know it would be contrary to his own belief systems.

    My experience is most programs say they are dual diagnosis.... but generally focus on either substance abuse or mental illness. I think there are very few that are truly dual diagnosis.

    That being said I do have some general thoughts about looking for rehabs. First talk to your insurance and see what programs they cover in your area. One of the best rehab experiences my son had was through our insurance, when my son decided himself he needed treatment. I think generally insurance will cover only 30 days... and yeah I dont think they cover only marijuana addiction, but it sounds like there may be more going on than weed with your son. Also programs that take insurance will talk to the insurance companies, so if your son talks to them they may be able to get insurance to cover treatment.

    I think one important question to ask is what happens after residential treatment. Most programs will work with sober living houses to varying degrees. The biggest problem is that most of these, in my experience, kick you out if there is a relapse.... and given that relapse if often a part of the recovery process that is a problem. The program my son is in now does this totally differently and it is making a huge difference.... he has had 2 relapses... but is once again seeming to get getting back on track with the relapses being very short in duration.

    I have no idea where you are located....but my son has been in treatment in florida, california and the northeast..... so if you are looking at specific places in any of those areas and want to PM me that would be fine.

    TL
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We also took my son's car away when he was using. We sent him out of state without a car to sober living. After many months sober and taking college classes and working and living with a roommate we gave him his car back. We saw progress.

    He then relapsed. Went back to treatment. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

    We took the car away each and every time. We kept thinking it was the last time.

    It's a process that parents have to go through. It's a dangerous one, I agree.

    But how many adults have a few drinks after work and drive home or something similar. Go to a Christmas party etc. It's really not any different in my opinion.

    We take Uber when we go out and plan to drink but not everyone does and when I was younger I was also irresponsible like many young people.
     
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Nobody should have a few and drive home. But its different in my opinion to be at least half yourself than plastered. Not much better but better, the less impaired you drive or they drive. It was a no brainer to us that she never drive our cars again. She would have needed three years sober and no reward...buy your own car. That is indeed how she got her first car. She bought an old one, paid insurance and gas. She was around 21 and not very mature, so it can be done.

    It is not ok to drink and drive and it is not okay to help them drink and do what else and drive and if we helped them drive that way, how is it not our fault too?

    Did our parents knowingly help us drive when we would be drinking? If so, shame on them too.

    There are tons of drunk drivers out there. I live in Wiscinsin and I know. But every drunk driver is a potential killer and a criminal as it is against the law and if you kill someone while drunk its murder. So just because Uncle Jack drinks at a Christmas party and hits the road, does it make it okay for us to deliberately put our impaired kids on the road too? Their parents?

    My answer is then if our kids die in an impaired accident or kill someone else, blood is also on our hands.

    Uncle Jack is driving because he bought his car, insures it, puts gas in it etc. Nobody can stop it, but hopefully an alert cop who throws him in jail and takes his license. Our impaired kids drive because we help them do it. How is this okay?
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2018
  9. sushideluxe

    sushideluxe New Member

    I am sorry for your struggles with your son.

    I don't know if you have ever considered a therapeutic wilderness program for your son. Because he is over the age of 18, he would have to agree and buy into the idea. The program my son just went through has a separate program for young adults. I would be happy to share information with you offline as I'm sure it would violate some rules to discuss it here. I think it would help him get to know himself better and get to the root of why he is self medicating to the point of addiction. We were extremely happy with the program.
     
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    As far as a kid using and having a car and using. I totally agree with you on principal RN... however I was fooled ( as I think many parents are) because my son was working. I knew he was using sometimes but I thought he was doing it when he was alone and in his room... and not when he was out working. Actually in general I dont think he was using when he was working but he was thinking about rehab and wanted one last hight and went and got drugs, used and drove.... and crashed into a telephone pole. He was found by the police totally out of it and was arrested. I was completely horrified and so entirely thankful that it was a one car accident and he didnt kill someone. Like you said that would have been on my head and I dont know how I would ever have gotten over that. Really I don’t. And I don’t know how he would have dealt with that either. Instead he totalled the car, lost his liscence and spent a couple weeks in jail until he got into treatment. Now he is trying to do what he needs to do to get his liscence back.... and talks about when that happens and he is working saving money for a car. I am expecting he will want us to help him get a car..... but my feeling is we went down that road and it is not a risk I am willing to take again. I am just so thankful no one was hurt.