Rough Couple of Days....

[DaisyFace]

difficult child's birthday party was this weekend....so the chaos started on Friday.

On Friday, difficult child was really upset because her day did not go the way she wanted. Her hair didn't stay styled. Someone criticized her fantastic singing voice. AND an acquantaince (who suffers from depression) had the nerve to be in a bad mood. How DARE these things happen when difficult child was expecting gifts and celebrations at school!

On Saturday, difficult child was upset that she had to spend more than $8 to purchase food for her party. What do you mean I have to buy drinks and snacks? My friends don't eat very much - can't they just do without???

On Sunday, difficult child was upset because Mom didn't make arrangements to take difficult child to the mall. Doesn't Mom know that difficult child wanted to go shopping? How DARE she not drop everything for difficult child! and, o yeah, she forgot it was Mother's Day....so Happy Mother's Day - now why can't we go to the mall?

Monday - our MST worker, Ms Ally came to the house to meet with husband and I. We had a discussion that, essentially, my parenting style is too "wimpy" - that I am not requiring enough of difficult child.

My position is that it is not worth my sanity to go 20 rounds over dirty dishes night after night after night - I would rather wash them myself and have a peaceful evening.

But husband and Ms Ally agreed that something has to change around here and that difficult child needs to take on more responsibilty for household chores. Well, great. And since Ms Ally does not live here and husband works very long hours - guess who gets to enforce this new policy? Yep - ME.

So, difficult child arrived home from school in a bad mood because her friend with depression still hasn't "gotten over it".....and husband launches into a speech about how difficult child is 16 now and needs to start taking some responsibility.

With that, he sits her down at the computer and begins prompting her to fill out online job applications. "OK - here you go....put your name here...and the address...do you have your references?" etc etc

difficult child is none too happy...so when dinner was ready difficult child exited out of the application and shut down the computer. When dinner was over, she went quickly to her bedroom and began playing music very loudly. Chores? Undone.

husband was angry - but said nothing...

Until the boyfriend called at 8. husband answered the phone and told boyfriend that difficult child may not come to the phone because she had not done her chores.

A rage ensued. difficult child screamed and growled and called husband names and told him "You know better than to mess with me!!!!" This went on for about 40 minutes...and then started all over again when the phone rang again at 8:45.

So everybody is upset - but we all need our sleep....so after difficult child seems to be settled...we go to bed.

First thing this morning, husband tells difficult child he wants to talk to her.

He APOLOGIZED to her for last night.

WTH????? He's SORRY?????

And basically their conversation was that now WE have ruined difficult child's whole day...and anyway....she KNOWS this new policy is all MOM's idea and the whole thing is ALL MOM'S FAULT!

So....guess who gets to deal with the aftermath when difficult child arrives home after a day of B*tchin and Moanin to her friends about what horrible abusive parents we are and how we need to be killed?

That's right...

ME!

Well great.

This should be JUST wonderful!

 

[AnnieO]

Call Ms. Ally and let her know. BEFORE difficult child gets home.

Your husband and mine have soft spines where their daughters are concerned...

 

[Jena]

hi

mst worker sounds good yet she's right and i'm looking back on mistakes i made with easy child/difficult child whatever she is and realizing some in that area. not enforcing enough chores etc. because i too didn't want the battle.

the awesome thing now is you have this woman. i suggest also giving her a call and setting up a mtg. with just you husband and her. he is trying he's just having a hard time being the "heavy" clearly. as you said you both have to be on the same page. Great thing is you can use ms.Ally to sit down and spell it out for him.

your right you don't want to be the only bad guy, you need husband beside you in it. don't give up, mst sounds good!

((hugs)) i'Tourette's Syndrome soo never easy..... especially i've come to learn to undue things behaviors or patterns learned. kids usually get worse before they get better. hang in there!!

 

[donna723]

I really have no advice so I won't be much help. But I was just trying to imagine what MY dad would have done to one of us if we had ever dared to say something to him like, "You know better than to mess with me!!!!" OMG! It wouldn't have been pretty!

 

[DaisyFace]

Call Ms. Ally and let her know. BEFORE difficult child gets home.

Step--

I think this is a good idea....so I called. No answer.

Turns out, the MST workers are off today in observation of "Confederate Memorial Day".

Great.

 

[AnnieO]

REALLY.

Well... It started out good...

Ugh.

 

[shellyd67]

My husband has a soft spine when it comes to difficult child too. It is so frustrating ... (Hugs) DF

 

[PatriotsGirl]

UGH. Not fair to you.....(((HUGS)))

 

[Shari]

Ya know what? While I understand follow thru is SOOOOO important - husband dropped this ball and you can't pick it up. Its not your ball. I'd call Ms Ally and let her know what happened and until she gets back to you and tells you how to handle the situation, you're gonna go back to status quo, and that's survival mode to avoid the hades and drama difficult child creates when YOU are the ONLY ONE who confronts her. In a house with 2 cops on patrol, you will NEVER succeed if one is dirty.

 

[Jena]

lol soo true shari.

when i used to work in that in home crisis team, we were like 3 steps up from mst. the dad's alot of times would do exactly that drop the ball. other times they would be at work and claim that as their excuse why they didnt' follow through on the "plan". what the protocol thing used to be was the mst, or in our case the waiver case manager would call a mtg. with both parents and not the kid. redefine the roles and really talk to the dad in a way that didnt' seem like everyone was ganging up on him. Yet in a way that stated how incredibly important his role was in the changing of the behavior of the kid.

they basically stroked his male ego, and honestly it had results. It always happened this way the first time out, whereas most times the dad would drop the ball and the mom would be the brunt or heavy. yet once that mtg. occured things fell into place. Than after parents and worker were on the same page they would bring the kid in.

do they have an emergency number to call to help de escalate the kid in case situations happen at home and the worker can't be contacted? we had that, it helped a little because the difficult child knew that others were holding her/him accountable for the actions not just the parents.

hope today after school goes well for you

 

[susiestar]

I always HATED this kind of thing. husband would not respond to anything Wiz did and then suddenly would blow up and say all sorts of things. then he would go to work and I would have to cope with the rages and groundings and whatever. When husband got home and I was fried his answer was that I made it too "complicated" to discipline Wiz and he just wouldn't get involvedf rom then on. Until a week later whne he went off again.

I finally asked husband how exactly he thought I was supposed to handle things when HE grounded Wiz for a MONTH (at age 9 or 10) for sneaking out to watch tv after we went to bed and then he went to work and left me at home with Wiz with nothing to do but bug someone. Esp as when husband came home he was on the computer or watching tv instead of supervising homework or baths or dinner or doing dishes or laundry?Exaclty HOW was this "parenting" our difficult child?

The Love and Logic book was what it took to get through to him. Maybe you and husband need a copy of Parenting Teens with Love and Logic and to work/read through it together with Ms. Ally.

 

[KTMom91]

I'm sorry, DF. It really hoovers to have to be the bad guy all the time, especially when you get no backing.

 

[timer lady]

husband & I spent many many hours finding our way to the same page with tweedles dee & dum. It's a difficult place & not at all unusual for mum to be left holding the bag ~ I know, preaching to the choir.

With my darlin ktbug, she doesn't get to have a boyfriend or calls from anyone not on my approved list at any time. Mostly because of her skewed thinking but also because she needs to pitch in a lot more around here. DF, our girls keep talking about how grown up they are; the actions don't fit the words.

I hated being the one to shoulder most of the new "initiatives". I prepped myself & kt or wm before dinner was over. Reminded whose turn it was to do dishes; stayed in the kitchen & gave a helping hand when necessary. It took a bit of time yet my twins can clean the kitchen. It will never be to my standards unless I stay in the kitchen with kt.

Long story short, do not implement one iota of the plan until husband is on the same page & will back you or you are able to tag off to him. You & husband may have to spend a couple of weeks working on that. If that doesn't happen, young difficult child will start triangulating the entire situation. My Ally will hear one story, husband will hear another & you will hear something totally different from the first 2 stories.

 

[DaisyFace]

UPDATE:

Ms Ally came over today and I gave her a run-down of everything that happened. She didn't seem the LEAST bit surprised...

She did assure me that we would work on husband's parenting (as well as mine) and "fine-tune" things a bit. This makes me feel good because husband is a really great guy - but he's a guy...and so much of how he handles his daughter seems to be typical guy stuff. Get mad, blow up....cave in the face of tears...try to make it up to her...

I feel better now that I've been heard.

I think Ms Ally is going to help us come up with a better plan. Whether it will work with difficult child ? I guess we'll see...

And if new parenting techniques don't work - I feel like Ms Ally has a brain and will be able to pull in more resources.

So I'm feeling very hopeful today.

 

[Shari]

Hopeful is good. I like hope.

 

[jennd23]

You are so lucky to have someone like Ms Ally around! I hope y'all are able to find a solution that makes things liveable at least.

 

[DammitJanet]

DF...Have you read up on exactly how MST works? ms Ally is going to be there as your BFF to stand right behind you and have your back while difficult child wages her war. She is going to bring all of difficult child's life onto one page...school, parents, community, church, grandparents, everyone or place she goes...will have the same goals, rules and consequences for difficult child. It will basically make it so difficult child cant triangulate everyone. Now do expect difficult child to scream bloody murder at first...lol.

 

[Steely]

Just wanted to send hugs. I was for the most part always a single mom with Matt, so I didn't have any one else to blame but myself - but I was totally the one who opted for doing the dishes myself over a 20 minute screaming match. Wimpy and weak, I am sure - but I had to have sanity at certain times.
Hugs and peace.

 

[Nomad]

This stuff is hard. I am WELL acquainted with the notion that it is easier to just do certain things yourself than put up with a raging difficult child. But with the exception of very rare/extreme situations...try your best not to go "there." Get family support and proceed with logical consequences. AND shake out your emotions. Be like a cop who gives out a ticket. He or she does not get all upset about it. He doesn't say "This ticks me off that this woman has the audacity to speed in my area." "Omg! Now, she is thowing a hissy fit and crying. It's just easier for me to walk away than give this old broad a ticket." NOPE. He keeps a neutral face, writes the ticket, hands her the ticket, gets in his car and walks away. You can do the same.
Stick to your guns. And if your difficult child digs her heels, then dole out a logical and appropriate consequence. Do not ground her for a year. But try to make the punishment fit and be associated with the "crime." For example, if she blows off cleaning her dishes for so long, that you feel YOU have to do them, then you can give her a couple of extra household cleaning duties and she can be grounded until they are done. Be creative...but again, have the "punishment" fit the "crime."
Another thought....re-negotiate this chore to a certain degree.
Perhaps she can only wash her own place setting (not negotiable), but then help you with something else in the house. You might ask her what she would like to do to help the family instead of washing dishes. If she makes the decsion, maybe she will more consistent about getting it done in the future.

 

[DammitJanet]

DF....about the dishes...I just thought of something that I tried here that I saw on a tv show and might work wonders for your house with your daughter.

Dont you just have 4 people at home? Ok...go buy 4 different colors of plastic bowls, plates, cups and get plastic silverware.

Each person gets their own color. Let each person wash and dry their own stuff and take it into their own room. If she doesnt wash her own stuff, she has to eat off dirty stuff. put away all your good dishes under lock and key.