School called AGAIN

[Kjs]

Well, after the other night I told school, do NOT call me. Gave them husband's cell number, informed them he cannot answer, leave him a message and he will return the call. Please do not call me.
Alex does not listen to me and I am not dealing with him.

I KNOW husband will NOT tell me if school calls or why. Still just can't get over the fact that he never told me the report card came, and never showed it to me. BOTH knew it came. I find things out that husband knew from LAST school year and never told me.

Anyway...About 2:30 phone rings. I look, yep, school. I let it ring, don't care if it is difficult child or not. Listened to Gym teacher leave message. (2nd day in a row) "Having trouble with Alex again today. Refused to get dressed again for class, when he did he had wasted a good 20 minutes. Had a fit in the locker room and then when I went to check on him he said I was GAY and a . I took him to the office and I am requesting he be removed from gym class".

difficult child and husband get home about 4pm. I went to bed about 3 or so. Three hours later I wake up, and notice the telephone's are all flashing. looked at husband and asked him if he realized that meant there was a message. He said he was aware of that. I told him he may want to listen to it as it is school again. difficult child pipes up and says, "oh, I already told dad what happened today". I just walked away. He plays it. Seems to be quite a different story than difficult child's. husband was either really irritated or pretended to be to apease me. I did tell difficult child (do not know if it is true or not) that if he is removed from a required class, he will be in mandatory summer school. (come on...gym. they are playing football. If someone came over and asked him to play he would jump at the chance.) i believe it has to be a control thing. He wants the control. Don't know.
husband is taking over school issues. He has no idea what is going on. Doesn't know what an IEP IS. Field trip info and money was due today, so last night I handed it to husband and said..this is due tomorrow. (he would not have done it). There is 1/2 day of school today. I bet husband has no idea. It is on the big sign in the front of school, it is on our calendar. I informed difficult child to walk home and come straight home. i will not return his phone.
He should be arriving home about the same time as me. I bet husband goes to pick him up after school.
husband never said another word to me the rest of the night. difficult child asked for a hug, but I am so empty, exhausted when i hugged him..It was just the motion. Still just felt defeated by my child. Didn't kiss him, or tuck him in. Haven't even been walking the dogs, and that was a nightly given.

 

[smallworld]

Please consider that control issues are quite commonly a reaction to anxiety and/or depression (a need to control is often a way to reduce anxiety about a situation). You need to talk to Alex's psychiatrist about all the difficulties he's having at school.

You also sound very depressed. I would recommend talking to your own psychiatrist about Strattera. It may not be the right medication for you.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Kjs,

Since you've become a member of this board, many of us have sympathized with your situation. At the same time, we have urged you to talk to your doctor. You cannot go on like this. You are in a constant down state because of the stress in your home. You have raised another child - you know if can be done right. It would be in your best interest to phone your doctor when you get off from work and make an appointment. If nothing else, it will give you someone to talk to face to face about what is going on in the home with difficult child husband. Anyone would be totally stressed given the same circumstances.

Please make the move to take care of yourself, please.

Sharon

 

[timer lady]

You sound so worn down. I agree with Sharon - time to take the attention off difficult child (for a bit) & start taking care of yourself.

We have all "hit the wall" at one point or another in the parenting of our little wonders. Over the last year, I've had to back away from both kt & wm & their ensuing chaos in a very big way. It just wasn't worth my sanity.

In the end, I'm stronger though still struggling. Parenting a difficult child is a challenge at best. If you don't take regular time to take care of yourself, it's a bust.

In the meantime, draw your line in the sand (for each of us it's different) for difficult child along with an appropriate consequence.

Let school handle school issues - school issues will run their natural course. difficult child refuses to go to class - he loses a favorite class (gym). Oh well. These are choices made. Even with his illness/disorder there is still a part of him that can make the right choice for him.

Your difficult child is of an age where he cannot be rescued from day to day choices - hence letting school deal with it.

Now, get some sleep, & find yourself help.

Something for you to consider.

 

[oceans]

Something is not right with difficult child. I think that I remember the psychiatrist suggested an AP and you have decided against using it? That is your choice, but an AP did wonders for my difficult child's ability to be calm, and communicate better. It did what the SSRI's could never do for him. You might want to consider giving it a trial just to see if it helps. You can always talk to psychiatrist if it is not working and stop the trial.

 

[Kjs]

I HAVE gone to counseling, I HAVE talked to my doctor. All they seem to be interested in is the 15 minutes I have, and see you next week! I have done this over the past 10 years on and off only to find the same results. Same with difficult child psychiatrist. He talks very fast, prescribes a new drug and says see ya. (board certified childrens hospital) difficult child therapist..not impressed. The ONLY person who can get through to difficult child, and is willing to talk to me anytime is the counselor from elementary school. She never pushes me to leave husband, she speaks to difficult child and reminds me how stressed he is feeling. Invites me over anytime, tells me to detatch and move on with MY life. But I don't HAVE a life. This is all I know. I would LOVE to feel wanted, I would LOVE to have a hug. I would LOVE to just feel appreciated. But, as my parents told me when I got married (and they liked husband..even though he has changed drastically since his OWN child was born..difficult child) They told me when i take those vows, I made my bed, and I must work things out.
They were maried 56 years. Never heard them raise their voice to each other. 6 kids..two groupings.

 

[Kjs]

What is AP? psychiatrist did prescribe Abilify (sp) difficult child refuses anymore medications. After reading about it, side effects sound scarey. didn't tell difficult child that.

 

[smallworld]

AP stands for atypical antipsychotic. Abilify, Risperdal, Seroquel, Zyprexa and Geodon are atypical antipsychotics.

 

[KFld]

Sounds to me like you never found the right counselor if you feel they didn't give you the time you needed. It's not always easy to find a good one, but they are out there. It also sounds to me like you need to MAKE a life for yourself. You have to start doing something for you to make you happy. First of all you have to make sure you get the sleep you need or you won't be able to handle anything. I know it's not easy, I lived on lunesta for months when my difficult child was at the height of his difficult child'ness and living home, but getting a good night sleep did wonders for me and how I was able to handle my own life, which in turn helped everyone around.

I would just turn all dealing over to husband. If the school calls, save the message and let him know there is a message for him. Sounds like your husband refuses to believe what anyone is telling him about husband. Gee, the entire school must be nuts huh?? They call daily, different teachers and staff in fact to tell you what difficult child is doing wrong, and husband chooses to believe difficult child and for some reason doesn't seem to think these things he is doing in school are any big deal. Step back, let natural consequences take place. Let the school deal with it, suspend him, whatever it takes, and then he can sit in summer school. If he skips summer school, he'll stay back. I found that once I accepted the concept of natural consequences, my life became much less stressful. I didn't have to worry about decisions for difficult child, because they were made for him by his behaviors.

I would start searching for a good counselor, whether husband is going with you or not!! Take my word for it, once you start feeling better about yourself and taking care of yourself, your family will see this and their reactions to you will become much different. It will actually scare them that you could do this for yourself, in spite of what they are doing to you. When I first started going to alanon, my difficult child hated it because I learned very quickly how to not allow him to manipulate me and run my life and he didn't like that, but he got used to it and will tell you today that it made a huge difference in his recovery (8 months clean this month I might add :smile: )

 

[Kjs]

smallworld. i see your difficult child 1 & 2 are taking lexapro and Lamictal.
lexapro is what psychiatrist gave difficult child, but immediately he was not sleeping, awake most of the night. He took him off after only 6 days. He gave him 10 mg's. then he went to remerom said it would help him sleep. We stayed with that for about 4 - 6 weeks and things just went completely down hill.

Does the lexapro cause sleeplessness? If you don't mind me asking, what is the dosage of Lexapro and Lamictal.

 

[DazedandConfused]

They told me when i take those vows, I made my bed, and I must work things out.
They were maried 56 years. Never heard them raise their voice to each other. 6 kids..two groupings.

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I just wanted comment that you are a grown woman, now. Your parents, though I'm sure mean well, came from a different time. You know, like a time when spousal abuse was a "private family matter". I'm not saying you should do ANYTHING marriage-wise, that is your choice. Being married 56 years does give some wisdom, but I'm alway taken back when that sort of comment is made.

Especially, the "you made your bed" one.

When I first began to take notice that something wasn't right with my difficult children and I was complaining to my Mom about the stress of it all, she made the comment, "Well, YOU are the one that wanted children"

My Mom is usually a very nice lady, but sometimes will let a zinger slip. I let her know, in quite very plain terms, that Yes, I wanted children, but I had no more CHOICE in them being difficult children than I did having an abusive tyrant for a Father that left me traumatized for years simply because my Mom married very young to get away from my mentally ill Grandmother.

(((hugs)))

by the way: Son takes an AP and it has been an godsend.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I keep reading in your posts how you just wish things were different. You wish difficult child was normal, you wish he was your baby again, etc.

I would urge you to take a look at the thread on the parent emetrius board, about having to rearrange your life. It has to deal with acceptance.


And then, I would read the one about Billy bob joe beth. Just to laugh a little.

 

[DammitJanet]

I would really urge you to consider the abilify. I know your son doesnt want to take another medication but abilify is a pretty good medication and works well for many kids on this board. My son was on it for quite a while. You still have a say so on what your kid takes or doesnt take. It really isnt up to him.

I also take umbrage to what your parents say about making your bed and laying in it. No one needs to stay in a marriage that is devoid of love and affection. Life is simply too short.

 

[smallworld]

Kjs,

medications for difficult child 1 (120 pounds): Lamictal 200 mg; Lexapro 5 mg
medications for difficult child 2 (61 pounds): Lamictal 125 mg; Lexapro 7.5 mg

difficult child 2 is stable. We're still tweaking medications for difficult child 1 (he's still depressed). In both cases, we started Lexapro at 2.5 mg and increased the dose by 2.5 mg after a couple of weeks. Lexapro comes in 5 mg tablets, and we use a pill splitter to cut the pills in half. in my humble opinion, 10 mg Lexapro is too high a starting dose. It sounds to me as if the 10 mg Lexapro was causing hypomania in your difficult child. A lower dose might be better. Because Lexapro CAN cause sleeplessness, especially at the beginning, our psychiatrists told us to give it in the morning.

 

[nlg319]

I'm only going to say what others have been suggesting. I really think that YOU need to feel better about yourself and that will change how people in general will react to you. Believe me, I have been in the darkest places of depression. But when I can focus and think clearly,(which for some reason has been the past weeksince my psychiatrist increased my effexor), my difficult child's respond better. I have to try really really hard every day, and some days I just can't do it, but I know that I can't runaway. I've already tried that...it didn't work. The problems were still there when I came back. But now I do let my husband know when I need a break, and I take it! He's not always great about it, but I NEED it to survive.

Please think about that. You're not alone in this.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

You know, that is such a good point (nlg319). I know that I have bad days, and Pixie feeds off me on those days. It is just the two of us, and I have nobody to hand her off to, so it took a long time for me to recognize that she was reacting to my depression. I am aware of it now. Not to say that I don't allow myself a bad day now & then, but I make a conscious effort to be as consistant as I can as far as she is concerned.