Selfish...

[Confused]

Me again. Besides my son's outburst yesterday when my daughter kept asking him to play his turn on the wii, and him stomping on the remote, then slamming doors and telling me he wanted to kick in my face twice, than said he was kidding. I have a question.I know kids dont always think to wish someone a happy birthday, but when nicely reminded of their great-grandafathers birthdays today, they refused to call him or go to his house. Only when my dad said they would be grounded, did the call him. They know my grandfather pays the bills, buys them things, pays for anything need and their school that they love so much. I know its hard to kids any child to wish an adult happy birthday, but if it doesnt have to do with my kids, they seem not to care at this point. So is this greed? They use to get excited and made a calander, cards etc ,now they say" yayaya just leave me alone". My grandfather is no angel, but has done alot for them. He was crushed tonight. How can I teach them not to be this way? I tell them " how woould it make you feel if no one visted you or wished you a happy birthday" they dont even reply when I say that. Uggh. Lots of fun huh? Oh, my daughter remmebered her dads birthday, and thought of emailing him. I said" Ok, go ahead,I wont stop you" You have a kind heart even though he does not wish you a happy birthday or marry xmas,or when he tells me to do it" So, she didnt write him. I know, I shouldnt have said that. Im just so tired of doing everything for them, when their dad rarely cares, and they love him,look up to him, and get excited overhim. Sorry,just venting as usual. I was trying to correct my spelling and wording here, and it will not let me! I dont know why not?

 

[DammitJanet]

Well...I think some of this is normal. I have three now adult kids and I am pretty lucky if I get something from one of them. One will probably get me a card and Jamie may remember to text...a day late...lol. They consider sending me a happy birthday on FB enough. Blah.

When my dad was alive we always did stuff for my dad for the major holidays...birthday, Xmas and fathers day. And boy were those hard to do because he had everything he could ever possibly want. In the end I discovered Incredible Edibles and that became my best friend...lol. He loved fruit and I could have that delivered and then I would get everyone on my phone and pass it around. My oldest granddaughter was only 4 when he died so while she really loved him, she didnt see him very often. She loved when she was with him and he always called her his princess and she would call him if she was here when I suggested it but it would never occur to her all on her own. Heavens she would have no idea when his birthday was. She doesnt know when mine is...lol. Its funny though, he gave her two really nice presents not long before he died and she will not even think of parting with them. One is a large outdoor swingset. We got it all put together about two weeks before he died and she wanted to call him and told him that she was swinging on the swing he got her and he talked to her so long that day. It was a really nice conversation. We would have never known he would be gone so soon.

 

[zaftigmama]

I have no idea what your childrens' particular issues are, but I do know that kids in general tune us out if there's too much nagging going on. But the birthday was something really important, and if they refused to do anything I would have done it for them and lied to spare my grandfather's feelings. You feel this need more acutely because he's paying the bills--yes, the kids should be grateful too but they're kids--so naturally more effort should come from you. Their bills get paid whether it's mom, dad, grandma, it's all the same to them. Your kids are still young enough that they don't fully understand--be glad they don't--it means you've been able to protect them from the financial upheaval that accompanies divorce.

And this:

Oh, my daughter remmebered her dads birthday, and thought of emailing him. I said" Ok, go ahead,I wont stop you" You have a kind heart even though he does not wish you a happy birthday or marry xmas,or when he tells me to do it" So, she didnt write him. I know, I shouldnt have said that.

It's totally understandable that you're frustrated, but you can't say this kind of stuff to your daughter. Vent here, vent to a friend, a journal, scream into a pillow, but don't bash your ex to your kids, even if he deserves it.

 

[InsaneCdn]

This is going to sound backwards and counter-intuitive. But... how much appreciation do you show your kids?
I know, I know. With a difficult child, some days (weeks, months, years...) there just isn't much to appreciate.
But if they don't GET it, they won't know how to GIVE it.
It IS a very valuable lesson... and it does take time and effort to learn it.

 

[Confused]

Dammit Janet,
Those edibles would also be perfect for my grandfather! I know, children can show love in different ways and stuff. You have wonderful memories though, even towards the end. I am sorry for the loss of your father. Thank you for your reply.

 

[Confused]

zaftigmama,
Your right that kids generally tune us out. I guess your right, my grandfather has done alot and he is having health problems, so I got more hurt and such than usual. On the making something myself or giving it from them, he said "if they can't come down and give it to me, than dont you dare bring it, its not from them,its your idea" So, we quit doing that. Your right, money problems can lead to divorce in some cases.

Your right as well, that was the first and last time I have ever said anything about their father. I always sugar coat why they cant be in the car while their father drives drunk, (they ask and I say" because sometimes it makes people feel funny and I dont think daddy feels so good, we need to care for him and you kids) why certain things are the way they are for their dad etc.. I also praise their father ( when conversation comes up) by saying" how smart he is in his studies," and "how well he is at his job" etc. Their father always says to my kids "its all your moms fault, she's ugly and stupid,etc ". So, that day, I did something I thought I never would,and said that. I had a talk with her and told her I was wrong and Im sorry. I will never do that again. Ever. Thank you

 

[Confused]

Insane Cdn,
No no, your fine Your right, you have to understand the whole picture before anything else. Ok, Im glad you asked actually, because maybe you can tell me some other ideas! I have always been one of those moms to put love notes in their lunch boxes daily,(Ok until they kept demanding me to quit because I was embarrassing them) I still put notes in their rooms. Example, they just made flags for their school from glitter,glue and crayons. They did a great job I told them and wrote them a note with the glitter that I love them. I always hang their pictures up everywhere in the house too. I spend time with them and interact with them, I let them make decisions even for me ( you should see some of those lol) and I praise them how sweet,smart,talented good job etc they are, how much I love them,I hug them, tell them they are so special to me. (daily) I also, do little things like making little gifts for them, making up new games to play. On their birthdays other holidays I put alot of effort into them, not just money wise, but personal wise. I always encourage them lets make stuff and do stuff for others, who should we help, we also read the bible and talk about emotions and so on. I do act this way in front of my children, to show them. Sorry so long, I think I put most of it, maybe not detailed.Oh this summer my children and I are going to work with the humane society as well as working somewhere to help others in need- not sure where to go with that one.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Every try volunteering at the nursing home? Esp. your daughter... old folks LOVE to have people read to them... for many, their eyes don't work well enough to make reading enjoyable, and others just love the social interaction of reading and then discussing...

It's another way to learn about appreciation. Some of these old folks show it, and some don't. Helps the kids see both sides... as well as receiving it from "outsiders" which has a major impact.

 

[Confused]

Thank you, you have a great idea! Sorry I sounded harsh when I wrote this.

 

[AnnieO]

When I was a kid (and even now, LOL) my Mom would send my gparents a card/flowers and add my name...

I sometimes do the same thing, though I will prompt kids to sign a card. For my parents, husband, me - we all go out to eat - so they have an OBVIOUS in their-face reward and reminder.

I write birthdays on the calendar and hope. At least this year husband remembered. The kids... Not so much (Onyxx did, but we had fam counseling the day before and were discussing weekend plans...). In fact up till this year Jett SWORE husband's birthday was Feb 28... or Feb 8... because bio would tell him the 28th then on the 17th would change it to the 8th so the kids never wished husband a happy birthday. We got around that by just celebrating on whatever day we had them that was closest - BWAHAHAHAHA! And, so that is how we do it now. This year husband and Onyxx both had b-days on Saturdays so it was easy. Mine will be too. But Jett's will be a Wednesday, so... We'll do it the following Saturday, probably.

 

[Confused]

StepTo2,
That dinner idea is a great idea! We usually dont do cards anymore unless they make it with glitter because my grandfather is blind. But ya, I would sign there name but my grandfather is picky and said if they cant bring it they didnt mean it and forget it! My grandfather lectures alot, so, I know it doesnt help. Hmm, we all love going out to eat, so , a belated dinner is a great idea! Dates are not my best memory either. Thank you! Happy birthday early to you all!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Thank you, you have a great idea! Sorry I sounded harsh when I wrote this.

Hey. We've all been there done that around here. Some days, we just don't have any COPE left in us.
Which is why we make another trip to the WELL here on the CD board... <grin>

 

[Confused]

Thank you InsaneCdn! You have given me a great idea! Since I need to start posting in the one for 6 year years and up-General? I keep messing the names lol! I am making one last post of my son- all the positive sides!