She is minimizing her addiction and drug use

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by PatriotsGirl, Jan 5, 2015.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    We had a moment of weakness over the weekend and husband and I discussed if perhaps having Connor there with her would be best for both of them. Only because the place is so secluded and secure in the middle of nowhere. We thought as long as she is there working the program, we would feel safe with Connor there.

    So I called this morning to talk to one of the caseworkers and ask some questions. THEY said no - not right now anyway and we would revisit the question again in 3 months. They said having her son with her would be a distraction (I do agree) and that they are really having to work with her right now because she keeps minimizing her addiction and drug use (Now that is irritating. I want to smack her in the head!!! Minimizing??? You were doing METH while caring for your son and you want to minimize that???? WTH??).

    So after I heard that, I completely agreed that she needs to focus on treatment. She will earn an overnight visit with him on February 13th and hopefully she will have come further along by that time...
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    She will always be a drug addict even when she quits using. I know that, given time and distance from our addicted loved ones, we begin to soften towards them. Keep your resolve about not allowing Connor to suffer because of her potentially deadly conduct.

    I have seen first hand the damage done to children that have been through the repeated cycle of reunification and subsequent removal from drug addicted parents. That repetition causes an emotional disconnect in these children that even the best therapy in the world cannot erase the damage. These children will frequently begin to have serious behavioral problems and legal problems.

    This will not necessarily be the case with your daughter, but it is something to keep in mind when considering what is in the best interest of that precious baby.
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Thank you - I need that reminder!!! You are SO right, the time away DOES make me soften towards her and I DO need to think about that precious boy. He has had a rough enough start in life...

    It gets really hard raising a toddler again and I think that partly contributes to it to be honest. But I can't be selfish. husband and I just need to get a babysitter and get out this weekend - we need a break (my son just agreed to babysit this Saturday night so we can go out). We NEED a break to refresh...
    • Agree Agree x 6
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It is hard and it is not fair. I think that you are a HERO. I have so much respect and admiration for all of the grandparents who step up to the plate when the parents won't.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG I completely agree with them.....put away your weakness and stand firm, remember she is still an addict. And yes try to get a sitter and go out with husband. Make some time for yourself.
  6. I agree that Connor should be with you. Remember that there can be a lot of drama during the early phases of any drug rehab. You know that she turned to drugs at some point but you cannot be 100 percent sure what caused it. It can be something hurtful which demands that she is alone when she confronts it. If it is not your daughter who creates the drama it can be one of the other patients. It is not an environment for Connor.

    She might be talking about minimizing her drug use now but give her time. A lot of addicts believe that they can control use of something which they buy without labels and knowledge about the strength of the specific amount they want to consume. She will realize it at some point. With a little luck before she can leave the program without suffering legal consequences but in the end most addicts come to the right conclusion: They need to stop all together!

    It took my brother 3 stints at rehabs and 10 years. She will be there - someday. Then Connor can have the mother he deserves.
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • List
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I believe your daughter is basically a good person who will lick this. As you know, it takes relapses and time.

    Having said that, I agree that Connor needs his time with you two and not the hope that Mom may get it together before s he does. Sounds like your daughter is in EXCELLENT hands. They get her. That is so important. Apparently it is hard to sell them a snow job.

    I still think everything is looking thumbs up and I'm not an optimist. I think your daughter will decide once and for all to give up the drugs.
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • List
  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I can hear the exhaustion in your post. I agree with the rehab that she doesnt need him there right now. It has got to be hard but she needs to get centered and own up to her issues before she deals with more.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    We are definitely going out this weekend! And it won't cost much. :) husband and I had tickets to see John Pinette at the comedy club and the show was a complete disaster - it wasn't very long after that he died. Anyhow, we were on will call from that show and never used the tickets. It was from before Connor was born so I wasn't sure that we would still be on the list but we were!! John Heffron is coming this weekend so we are going to the Saturday night show. :)

    Well off to pick up the little man from daycare... :) thank you for keeping me grounded everyone. I really need these reminders...
    • Like Like x 7
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I received a call from her caseworker yesterday introducing herself. :) She did tell me that most women minimize their issues at first and to just give her time. She said difficult child is being really positive and doing good. She has confidence that difficult child is going to get what she needs there. Goodness, I really like this place. Can you believe they only started charging money in 2012??

    I also got a letter from difficult child yesterday - they are allowed to write letters during free time on Friday nights. The letter was extremely positive, she wrote how much she truly loves it there, the people there and her roommates. She did write that she hopes one day we will reconsider Connor coming there to be with her. She wrote how she wants him to grow up to be a Godly man. She has always been pretty religious and this place will definitely build on that. Heaven knows I would rather her be addicted to God than drugs!

    I plan on telling her that she needs to focus on her recovery right now. We will re-visit the topic of Connor coming there after she has moved up in levels but we will work with her caseworker on deciding the right time for that. husband and I do both agree that if she is doing really good months into the program that we should consider Connor being with her there. But not right now. Right now she needs to focus on herself.

    I am looking forward to the family counseling. Is that weird? But I really do want to break the cycle in this family and I will do whatever it takes. Still need to find some therapy for myself close by...and figure out when I can go. All I do is work and take care of Connor - I don't know what free time is anymore! I can't even get to the gym for my yoga classes. :( Someday...
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 4
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG Even though our family education was emotionally draining I can't imagine how we would have gotten through that time without it. I'm happy to hear all the positive things about the placement.
  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Good to hear the caseworker saying that difficult child is working hard for her recovery. I'm sending prayers for continued strength for you.
  13. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    PG, I totally GET IT!! "Me" time is basically non-existent right now.

    Funny, our difficult child always said all she did was work and take care of her baby. Ironically, she worked 25-30 hours/week and her days off were during the week and GS went to daycare full time. husband and I really do work full time (and then some) and had him every Sat and Sun while difficult child was at work. We never had a day off. I thought I was tired then...

    Now we have this extremely active, adorable 3 yr old little boy full time. Now I really know tired! We do make sure to carve out time for us now and then, though. I'm lucky enough to have a decent relationship with his other grandparents and they live nearby so they usually take him 1 day every couple weeks for the day. And we decided to have a cleaning service come every other week so I don't have to spend the time cleaning on the weekends. It's worth the cost!

    It is so important to have that little bit of time in order to keep your sanity!

    I'm so happy your difficult child is where she is and doing the right thing. That's terrific the case worker is in contact. All I have to go on is what our difficult child tells us. And since the trust factor with me is zero, I don't believe anything. husband seems to think she's on the right track, though. Unfortunately, I'm usually right.

    There was an episode of Modern Family where Phil and the kids were teasing Clare for always being right or having to be right. She said "I don't always want to be right, I just live with the wrong people." husband now calls me Clare :)

  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    SM - I swear we are living parallel lives...I really wish we lived close so we could get the boys together and have coffee!!

    His other grandmother is a kuckoo and lives in Florida - we want her to stay there. From what I know, the other grandfather is a good guy but we have never met him. We do know the other grandfather's sister quite well as she works with my husband and has for years. She is his assistant. :) She is a wonderful great aunt to Connor and she has offered to babysit but we are just really funny about who we leave him with. Our son babysits every time we need a sitter and he really doesn't mind so we need to take him up on it more often. We do pay him. :)

    I also have a cleaning lady that comes every other week - she is coming today! I LOVE cleaning day!! It would be impossible for me to do it. Connor is attached to my leg when he is home. I can't even cook dinner most of the time. His mom was like that as a baby, too. My son was far more independent and could just play by himself...

    I have started taking super B-complex vitamins again - I need the extra energy these days! :)
  15. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    If I may ask. What does your cleaning lady's clean? Do they do dishes , laundry, or just basic cleaning? I need to know for my own personal reasons.
  16. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    PG-That would be so awesome if we did live closer together!

    My GS goes back and forth between being what I call "velcro baby" and playing independently. And you never know from day to day which it will be!

    One good thing is he's a little Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and very dependent on routine. Most days when we get home, he goes straight in the highchair while I'm fixing dinner and getting the dogs out and fed. I'll give him the iPad or a toy to keep him preoccupied. And unfortunately (sometimes fortunately), he is hooked on his "programs" on Nick Jr so that's always a distraction while I'm running around taking care of everything.

    GM-they do general dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms, floors, etc. No laundry or dishes. Just the basics. I spend a few minutes every evening cleaning up any dishes and putting things away so everything is nice and tidy for the next morning. husband is great as he does most of the laundry these days. He never used to but he's taken that somewhat off my plate. Although he can't fold a shirt to save his life :)
  17. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    because I want to get a cleaning lady again and not sure what I can or cannot ask her to do
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Depends on who you get and what arrangements you make.
    I know people who have a cleaning lady who just does the kitchen and bathrooms - and that includes "reasonable" dishes (i.e. not that 2-day-old baked-on pasta pan), cleaning out the fridge (doesn't throw stuff away, just cleans, and puts questionable stuff on a single shelf).
    Laundry is trickier...
  19. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    No dishes or laundry - basic cleaning. But she only charges 40.00 every other week. I know there are housecleaners that will do more for higher pay. I wouldn't want anyone doing my laundry, though...I am funny like that. :)
  20. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    SM - same here!! There are days where he is happy playing in the living room while I cook but lately - whoo - velcro And he has been whiny, too! Though daycare says he is never whiny there. I guess I am the lucky one that gets it. LOL. One thing I can count on though, when the Hot Dog song comes on from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, he will stop whatever he is doing to go out to the living room and dance! He is just starting to get into the cartoons on Disney Jr and Nick Jr. :)

    husband has always done the dishes and laundry - I clean up where and when I can, but I am the major caretaker of Connor, of course. I can't go without a house cleaner though. Not anymore. And I adore her - she has been here through all our difficult child drama so I consider her a friend, too. :)