She won't eat and mostly sleeps/a question for you...HELP

[Sue C]

Yesterday and today Melissa will not eat and sleeps nearly constantly. I know that's a sign of depression, but it's only been a few days so I don't know if it qualifies for true depression already.

She started applying online for a job yesterday, but their website stopped in the middle of the application/short test and wouldn't let her finish. So she got angry and once again went to sleep.

Today I have been swore at and a door slammed once, and she went to sleep again after only being up a few minutes. She had wanted money to go visit her friend 5-1/2 hours Up North who has a baby, is on food stamps, and recently had to get a restraining order for her husband to stay away from her. I said no. I have no job at the moment and am behind on a few of my bills, and I feel just awful about that. husband said maybe we should give her gas money to get up there and back just to get her out of our hair for a few days and maybe it would help her depression.

Would you give her gas money just to get rid of her for a few days???????????????

Sue

 

[Suz]

Would you give her gas money just to get rid of her for a few days???????????????

Nope.

Lying around and feeling sorry for herself for 36 hours does not constitute depression. I think 2 weeks is the minimum.

Sue, Melissa is just having another of her temper tantrums. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't engage in conversation with her until she is civilized.

To give her money to go away and not do what she is supposed to be doing (job hunting!) is to reward her awful behavior.

She should feel bad. She blew it. Let her feel it.

Suz

 

[Suz]

Depression screening test.

Suz

 

[Sue C]

Thanks for your input, Suz. I know she is moping around because of ex boyfriend. I still hate that he will see her when HE wants to but other than that, he does not.

I took the test and answered it how I THINK Melissa would answer it. It came up with moderate to severe depression. I took the test for myself. It said moderate depression. YIKES!

Sue

 

[Suz]

She's also moping because "what goes around, comes around" and she's getting smacked in the *fanny* with consequences (the tickets/fines, etc) right now.

If you think she's depressed, take her to a doctor for a professional evaluation. Do NOT give her money to run away from her problems and put you further in the financial hole.

Suz

 

[TYLERFAN]

Yep!!!!!
Then I would make it a condition that she attend therapy the minute she gets back.

Blessings,
Melissa

 

[Hound dog]

I wouldn't give her the money. Sure, you might get her out of your hair for a little while, but she may come back worse.

If you're really worried take her in (if she'll cooperate) and have her evaled for depression. But odds are this is more of a situational depression type thing. With some prompting from you she might pass through it just fine.

But if you give her the money, you'll be sending her the message that if she acts like a big enough PITA you'll do what she wants. And believe me, that is not what you want. I have a friend who does this to her mother, it's not a pretty sight.

 

[PonyGirl]

Sue, I know it hurts to see your daughter acting in such pain. If she wants true help, she will get it. I would not hand her money to run away. Tempting tho that may be, as the others have said, it simply rewards her bad behavior.

Plus, you can't afford it right now. End of story.

(((Hugs))) to you! I know you're really struggling. Please try to detach from her, she's a bit toxic for you right now. Do something nice for yourself!!

Peace

 

[KFld]

If you are already having trouble paying your own bills, then I wouldn't give her money to escape from life right now. She needs to be looking for a job and straightening her life out and a few days visit to a friend is not going to fix that. Yeah, it will give you a few days of peace, but then she'll be back with the same problems. You need to tell her that being swore at and her arguing with you because you can't afford to fix her, is totally unacceptable and she needs to get her but in gear and help herself because you can't do it for her.

 

[PonyGirl]

Sue - I have a better idea! Use the money you would 'give' her and YOU & husband go visit a friend, instead! :grin:

Peace

 

[KFld]

That is a terrific idea. This way you can get away from her for a few days, and enjoy yourselves.

This poses a question. If a difficult child wines, swears and yells and there is no one around to hear it, then is he or she really wining, swearing or yelling??? :rofl:

 

[ScentofCedar]

No, Sue. Don't give her money. Remember that everytime we do give them money, we are teaching them that we will give them money the next time, too. In a way, giving them money when their behaviors escalate enough is teaching them to behave badly more quickly the next time.

However you respond, you will be teaching your daughter something about what to expect the next time.

Sending strength, Sue ~ I know how tough days like this can be.

Barbara

 

[Sue C]

Thanks, everyone. Melissa still has barely eaten anything and mostly sleeps. When she is up, I hear her call Brandon and beg him to let her see him and then she yells at him, hangs up and throws her phone. The trouble is, if he would say let's get together, she'd be all happy and nice and off she'd go with him. Brandon had asked her to the movies about 3-4 nights ago, now he doesn't want to talk to or see her. But when it is convenient again for him, I'm sure he'll call her and she will jump. It is nauseating.

I've been watching AIM for her best friend who lives near here to be online, but she hasn't been for days. She is busy with her baby and her husband who just got back from Iraq. They are having marital problems, so I'm sure she has enough on her plate. But she has always been a good friend to Melissa, so I thought if I could at least get her to call her to say "hi" it would be a good thing.

Melissa has not applied for any jobs as far as I know. husband and I are not going to pay her 3 credit card bills, and we are not going to pay her 2 disorderly conduct tickets and vandalism ticket. She is going to learn a hard hard lesson.

She told husband yesterday that she wants to live at home this coming semester. We don't want her here. But we know if she goes to school, she will fight with Brandon and probably get kicked out. Her grades will suck again. But living at home, she will still fight with him and probably get bad grades. (not sure what to do)

Sue

 

[Lori4ever]

You're really in a tough situation! I hope it gets better!

 

[KFld]

I know first hand how awful it is to watch your child continue in such an awful relationship. It's much easier for me now, because difficult child doesn't live home and I have no contact with his girlfriend right now, so I haven't had to witness the unhealthiness, except for when I hear him on the phone with her when he's visiting, but I just try and walk away and refrain from commenting. To me the saddest part is that they feel they deserve, or it's normal to be in this kind of relationship. That is the part I could never figure out. I always feel that if my son would have a healthy relationship with someone else, he would see what it is like. I don't know if he's ever had one to know the difference.

 

[Sue C]

Well, Melissa got up around 10 am and is actually still up 2-1/2 hours later. She ate a donut (she's a thin girl). She said NICELY would we give her the gas money to go Up North to visit friend if she cleaned her bedroom. I said no. She asked if friend could come down for the weekend with her baby if friend could scrape up the gas money to do so. I said I guess so IF YOU CLEAN YOUR ROOM AND BABYPROOF the house (the baby crawls). She is waiting for friend to call her back.

She is presently watching TV and has not applied for any jobs online. I told her she needs to do that today. She said "yeah, yeah." So, for the moment, she is not yelling or swearing at me. Much easier to detach about not giving her money. :smile:

I also had called her best friend this morning and asked her to please call Melissa sometime today. She has not called in days. She is having marital problems with her husband, but she said she would make the time. I wish she could come over to visit Melissa, but she said she's leaving this afternoon to drive back to Texas with her husband to his Army base there. Then she's flying back in about 3 days. She wants to live up here in Wisconsin with her parents. (another screwy situation)

Sue

 

[Sunlight]

sue, how about doing nothing at all? let her handle it. simply tell her you are there when she wants to talk and let it go. no money, just a roof and food. let her learn from this by going thru it.