She's gone....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MichelleLynnFl, Aug 3, 2017.

  1. Thank you to each and everyone of you for reaching out and helping me with my daughter. (((GROUP HUG)))

    Was a huge, emotional day today and after all the tears, after all the worry, the biggest shock was actually getting to this homeless shelter and seeing the people she will be hanging around with, sharing sleeping quarters with...it broke me to the biggest tears ever. These people are truly the homeless, the drug and alcohol addicts. What is she thinking that gaining any sense of freedom from our rules, that this is better????

    I want to tell all parents going through issues like mine, hard as it is, follow through. Out of all her 25 years, enabling her, this has been my most freeing experience with her yet.

    I love her to my very last breath but wish that it did not take so many years to get tough with her and keep enabling her to continue her lifestyle. In our love for our children we overdo, over coddle, be there for every little scrape, bump, bruise, scrape and have conditioned our kids to rely on us. That was my fault, I did it all.

    A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders tonight, I will sleep like a baby I am sure of it.

    I thought the worst all day long about this shelter, horrified at the conditions I saw. Know what my daughter text me?

    "Hey it's not bad at all here please you 2 don't worry about me this will be a good thing"

    I ask, what's so great about it?

    "It's chill a lot better than some places Ive been by far!"

    So this place is chill. She is with the kind of people she loves to be with, against my better judgement.

    If they are going to be and continue who we don't want, nothing...even good hearted parents.....will stop.
     
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  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I'm glad for the text she sent you. There are a lot of physically disabled people in shelters, so maybe if she starts helping take care of then, it could be very rewarding, and might even inspire her to become a CNA.

    I hope it all works out.
     
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    ML or is astounding that we weep while they get defiant and gloat. Drug addled brains are not clear headed. We see with clarity which is why it haunts us so. You did the right thing! Sleep and let go and let the universe control her destiny. Enabling is so difficult to pull away from. As mothers we just end to heal every wound our children face. Addiction can not be healed with a kiss and a bandaide. No matter how much we want them to get better it is not in our hands. Stay strong!
     
  4. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Hugs to you. I remember being in a homeless shelter with my husband and I survived. Definite eye opening experience and I got myself situated. That was 30 years ago and even thinking about it makes me wonder how I got there. He was abusive and all things bad but I was hard headed like my daughter now. Just wanted to say I understand. Get some much needed rest I'm sure.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    These are the sort of people she knows from using. What is bad to us, truly is not bad to them. We cant compare.
     
  6. Had a very restful night and awoke refreshed and for the first time, not stressed.

    She had text me last night and this morning. She is free to stay until she finds a job, they have to be out at 7am and can return 6pm but they have a building to hang out during the day. 3 meals a day, laundry on premises, bus stop right in front of building. Seems too good to be true to me, wow.

    They also set her up right away for mental counseling at 9am this morning and tells me she is going to this appointment.

    I really, really hope this works for her. It's all up to her now. Wash my hands of the whole enabling her.
     
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  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Great news Michelle!

    I think you need to pull back now. I think it would be best for both of you. A constant stream of texting will keep you too connected and you need to be free from the stress and worry.

    I think this is just what she needed and will be great for her.

    I am still in contact with my son's Program Director at the sober living he left on Monday and he said (about my son leaving) that he believes everything happens for a reason. There is a goal for all of this. He has been clean for 5 years and is working on his masters after being an addict for 7.

    I found some comfort in his words. Maybe you can too?
     
  8. RN, oh I do intend not to keep the texts going but had to know certain things. Crazy me I know. :) But now that I have gotten all the answers, am at peace with the whole situation.

    She is in the best possible position for herself, given an advantage that alot of our children are not getting, just truly surviving on the streets. Hopefully she can understand and accept this possible life changing gift she has been given.
     
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  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are very strong. Have a day of peace knowing Daughter is safe.
     
  10. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    This is so good to hear, MichelleLynn - for you and for your daughter. You know she is safe and at the same time, you are now free to enjoy YOUR time. Now you can safely take some steps back and move forward in a positive direction.

    I am praying that your daughter takes advantages of all of the services/programs that are available to her.
     
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    So glad you got some much needed rest. It sounds promising for your daughter.

    ((HUGS)) to you...............
     
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My daughter would prefer to be homeless, couch surfing or living in her car rather than compromise her personal sense of freedom. She cannot tolerate living with rules nor does she have insight into her own behaviors; nor does she "future think." She lives in the moment, reacts to whatever happens rather than trying to plan for anything.... and chooses a lifestyle that I would find scary and stressful. Somehow she survives. It has taken me a long time to let go and accept that this really is her choice. I spent years getting her to "level ground" paid for everything, had everything fixed, did everything to get her on the right track. The minute I stopped, she would quickly spring back into her former life and expect me or someone else to fix it all.

    She is currently living with a friend. The pattern is that at some point, the friend will tire of her and massive drama will ensue. The "friend" will steal her stuff. She will be evicted or somehow forced out. She will move somewhere else after a brief couch surfing experience and then spend a few months blaming the former "friend" for stealing her stuff and evicting her. She justifies not changing or looking for a job or doing anything to shift this by staying stuck in the drama and chaos that the former living situation caused. This has happened so many times, it is predictable.

    I am not involved this time. I am completely out of the loop, I don't ask questions. She and I have a clear understanding of our roles (after years of me figuring it out and setting boundaries.) Perhaps as a result she will change. I don't know. At this point I don't even think about it anymore, it is what it is.

    As you and Madonna have recently come to, they are not like us, they do not want what we want, they have their own agenda for themselves, it may be manipulative, or cunning, or any kind of behavior....... and we can judge it till the cows come home....however, it is their life to lead however they see fit. Once I began understanding that and letting go, I accepted it. The guilt and the fear began to dissipate as I stopped enabling her. There is nothing I can do to change it. Once I let go I felt that she and I were both free to be ourselves and do what we want. She is not unhappy. She is not afraid. She is where she chooses to be.

    It is very liberating to arrive in acceptance. :)
     
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  13. I am very hopeful...for her. Because no matter her choice, right or wrong, it's all hers to make now. Recovering, as you said it is very liberating. Today has been my most peaceful day in a long, long time....even my 2 chihuahuas have slept the day away instead of being on alert.

    She did text me one more time and said that she caught the bus and was going to go look for a job.

    And even earlier than that, she text that she met with her mental health counselor and they are starting a different medication on Monday. *slaps forehead*. So it takes a complete stranger to get her to do what I wanted all along?
     
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  14. mamato3

    mamato3 Member

    I'm happy to hear this and I'm happy you have peace with your decision. I can't imagine the strength it took, but I agree that it was necessary.
     
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