Should we help?

Littleboylost

On the road unwanted to travel
Difficult Child has been out for a week. As you know we are away at a cottage. He just sent some horendoues texts wishing I had aborted him and it's all our fault and demanding to come home. Demanding not remoursful, not apologetic.

He now has said he is meeting his outpatient rehab counselor on Wed and not meeting with youth welfare until then either. He says he is hungry and that the food bank closed at 11:45 today. He says he has no where to stay and asked me to pay for a hotel for 2 nights.

What do I do. There are crisis line numbers I sent to him several times. I am feeling guilty.
 

pasajes4

Well-Known Member
If you send him the money or put him up in a hotel, will that be the end of it? Will it make you feel better? Will you resent helping him? It is entirely up to you. Do what you feel is right.
 

BloodiedButUnbowed

Active Member
If he is in active addiction and desperate for drugs, everything coming out of his mouth is serving the end of feeding the addiction.

Look at it that way.

Don't dig his grave. He has figured it out up to now. He will continue to figure it out until hopefully, he figures out that the only way is YOUR way.

He will survive. He is counting on your weakness and susceptibility to his manipulations. Don't kill your son. This is literally a battle for his life.

The more uncomfortable he is, the closer he is to hitting his bottom and truly seeking help.

Just my opinion but you can tell what it is LOL. Stay strong!!
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Tough one, LBL. Even though he was told this day was coming if he didn't change his ways, I'm guessing he wasn't expecting it to be so sudden. He was blindsided, and he IS young.

On the other hand, blindsided can be a very good motivator for these difficult children. He's been shown in rapid fashion what he can expect from the lifestyle he's chosen.

Plus, if he's been dealing and using like you say, he should have no problem couch surfing for a couple more days.

My gut reaction is that stepping in when he hasn't shown any remorse sends a mixed message after you've rocked him back on his heels, so you will lose a lot of ground.

It also might send the message to the youth welfare authorities about your willingness to help him, so that's maybe something to consider.

Your post came in while I was composing this. Glad you reached a decision. The important thing is what we can live with.
 

ColleenB

Active Member
LBL, I am so sorry your time away to relax and recharge has been interrupted.... it is so hard on the heart.

I would imagine you know what's best to do.... if it makes sense to ignore him right now then that is the right thing to do. You are the one who has to live with the decision and the consequences. I do hope for some peace for you both....

Take care xoxo
 

Littleboylost

On the road unwanted to travel
Turned phone off. Woke to dozens of texts and phone calls. It is very very difficult. He is at the juncture where we have always stepped in before. When he has come home nothing changes. So we must carry on and let this go on as nothing changes if nothing changes.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
So sorry you are going through this but I do agree with other posters. If you turn back now what will you have accomplished?

Your therapist is on board also and she knows the situation more intimately than we do.

It's hard to know what to do when you don't know what to do! I'm there too.

Hugs.
 

Littleboylost

On the road unwanted to travel
Thanks. I had a little cry and am now going to turn my phone off for the rest of the day. When we look st his communication it is very clear it is all still about manipulation. He wants his life his way no if and or buts. If he did truly want help he would be contacting the crisis lineand he is not. It is so very very difficult. Thank you for all of your support.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
I'm just so sorry. My problems with my son (now 22 and our only child) started about age 17 and suddenly...we didn't see it coming. But by 17 he'd left home for the first of several times. 17 is tricky...depending on where you live you may have no good choices you can legally make. Do look into that.

Over the last several years, I did pay for hotels a couple of times. We cosigned and paid for an apartment once. I did give money. I did buy food - not much and not all that often, but I did. Because that is what I had to do to live with myself.

I really wasn't helping him. I understand that now. But then, that's what I had to do for my own peace of mind. In my case, my son was out in the middle of winter. That made it harder. I could live with about anything but the thought of my son being in the cold and snow without a place to sleep. But it's August. I don't know where you are - but unless you live in Australia, it's not winter. He won't freeze. Unless they're diabetic or something, anyone can go without food for a day or two. It's unpleasant, not fatal.

I know how horrible the constant calls and begging and demanding can be. Be kind to yourself.
:notalone:
 

ColleenB

Active Member
Thinking of you and sending healing vibes..... you are strong and wise parents making a decision that must be heartbreaking but sounds necessary.
 

pasajes4

Well-Known Member
Lil, You have come a long way. I remember when you first came here. You were so despondent and smack dab in the middle of FOG.

You did what you felt was right at the time. Sometimes we need to do these things in order to be sure that we gave them every possible opportunity to get it together.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Lil

Thankfully I don't believe your son was on hard drugs if I recall?

I think when they are (like my son) we're more desperate to stop the madness and turn things around because their lives really are at stake. I'm writing this for myself too.
 

wisernow

wisernow
sending you strength. How hard they make this for us. However as you said if nothing changes, nothing changes. Expect him to up the ANTE. He is not used to hearing NO! He will survive and can figure this out if he wants to. But he cant continue to use you as his doormat. Hugs...this is hard hard stuff.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
Lil

Thankfully I don't believe your son was on hard drugs if I recall?

I think when they are (like my son) we're more desperate to stop the madness and turn things around because their lives really are at stake. I'm writing this for myself too.
You're absolutely right. We knew about pot ... and the synthetic which is so much worse ... but other drugs? We don't know. Frankly, I don't want to. But you're right. As desperate as I was to "fix" my son...I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if I'd known about more.
 

Littleboylost

On the road unwanted to travel
Hard hard stuff;

100% refusing to go to a shelter. Threatening to use heroin, he knows that is a big fear of ours. Not that snoring pills is any safer. Is in a rant and we have silenced our phones. He says he is broke and starving and needs enough money for a few nights in a hotel. The answer is NO. He is angry and manipulating and nothing more.
I know he is alive and not ready to change. He is pissed that's for sure. So we must be doing something right. Taking the canoe out for a long long paddle...Leaving the phones at home.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hard hard stuff;

100% refusing to go to a shelter. Threatening to use heroin, he knows that is a big fear of ours. Not that snoring pills is any safer. Is in a rant and we have silenced our phones. He says he is broke and starving and needs enough money for a few nights in a hotel. The answer is NO. He is angry and manipulating and nothing more.
I know he is alive and not ready to change. He is pissed that's for sure. So we must be doing something right. Taking the canoe out for a long long paddle...Leaving the phones at home.
My son is a fan of pills to and I heard that more kids die of pills than H. I'm not sure if that's true but someone else here may know....well not that it matters they are both EVIL.

You go paddle away and enjoy the serene that only mother nature can offer!
:bbq::swimming:
 

BloodiedButUnbowed

Active Member
You are doing the right thing.....you might want to ask the police to drive by your home to be sure he has not broken in during your absence.

Keep fighting the good fight!
 
Top